Having a hard time letting go....

Snic85

New member
I don't know what to do. My ex dumped me a week ago. We where together for about four months. I know that may not seem long, but I feel like we had something really special. I felt like he was the first person that has truly understood me. He seemed okay with the fact that I am married and even met my husband about two weeks prior. Two days prior to the break up, he talked about how much he cared for me, loved me, and would do anything not to loose me.
So he gave me a few reasons why he broke it off. He divorced about 9 months ago, it was mutual. He said that he needs time to heal and work to improve himself. He does have depression and self esteem issues. He said till he fixes his issues, he can't have a "deep relationship" like ours. He also said that by breaking things off now he is protecting himself from getting hurt and after some deep thought he has decided that poly is not for him.
The breakup was a completely a surprise to me, everything was going so good. The only thing he ever indicated was that he wished he would have met me first, before my husband.
I haven't heard from him since, it's been a week. He said he needs time to heal from this and would like to be friends in the future.
I have never felt the pain that I feel now. It's really taking a toll on me. My husband is surprised at how hard I'm taking this. I am trying so hard not to contact him. He refuses to see me in person, says it's too difficult for him. He even dumped me in a text message. He said he couldn't bare to see me cry and didn't think he cold go through with it face to face. How cowardly!
I want to fight for him, but he has made up his mind. I don't know if I should try to fight or just let him go.

I did send him an email telling him how I felt, two days after the break up. All he said was that he balled his eyes out while reading it.
 
Let him go. Yeah, the text break up may be cowardly, but he's being honest with himself.

The pain, well that's because a break-up during NRE is just as hard as if you were breaking up and being together a year, 10 years, 20 years...your heart/mind just hasn't lost those endorphins from this new romance.

I experienced this mildly last October when a boyfriend turned out to only want nsa from me. I got a bit too emotionally invested a bit too early. For some weird reason it affected me in such a devastating way, I had to go work out a lot to get those "sad" feelers out of my system and to move on.

You can't "fight" to keep him...he's made his decision. You can only accept it and be friends or accept it and move on and never be friends.:(
 
I imagine the fact that you had no clue that this was coming made it much harder on you than if you'd had hints along the way. Part of what you are feeling is probably shock. If he'd periodically expressed doubts, you would have somewhat prepared yourself for the possibility.

On the flip side of it, if he's been divorced just 9 months, I am sure his personal feelings in general have not had time to settle. I imagine he wanted to be that guy who was ready to be with someone, who could be poly, but I am betting he really doesn't have any feel for what he wants - except for the self-doubt and pain to stop.

Anyway, I am sorry. :(
 
You are so right about feeling shocked. I told him that he should have expressed his concerns. I wish he would have let me in, it would have made things easier if i would have had a clue.

I imagine the fact that you had no clue that this was coming made it much harder on you than if you'd had hints along the way. Part of what you are feeling is probably shock. If he'd periodically expressed doubts, you would have somewhat prepared yourself for the possibility.

On the flip side of it, if he's been divorced just 9 months, I am sure his personal feelings in general have not had time to settle. I imagine he wanted to be that guy who was ready to be with someone, who could be poly, but I am betting he really doesn't have any feel for what he wants - except for the self-doubt and pain to stop.

Anyway, I am sorry. :(
 
I can realy understand the pain and frustration about this. I have no usefull things to say, that would help u since i am struggling myself and i am very new to this poly thing.

It seems like the BF is not ready (yet or will never be) and that is diffecult to change. As said before: he probably wanted to be ready for starting again, for closing the period of divorcing, but he is not ready. Question is how you can deal with this... Your husband, is he able to help u? Me i find that the most lonely part of polyamory. I cannot always share my ups and downs with the BF with my husband for example cause i have to respect his feelings. Nobody knows about my BF cause it is not accepted in society, so not the first thing to tell. So at times of hurt it is a lonely kind of hurt. I remember for example the frustration i felt whit a miscariage; having to accept something i don't want, i cannot control... It was more or less the same hurt/frustration. The only difference is that when that happend everybody that knew, was supporting, helping. So in this case, i think you will have to look for how you can help yourself. And that is what i find a beautiful thing about poly: it makes me stronger, more independant, it is more intimate between me-husband-bf.It forces to solve problems and issues in between that you cannot deal with somewhere else. Hope you can find a way like that also.

Good luck!
 
Depression and self-esteem issues? Yes, I've dated that, several times.

My experience has been, a guy who is depressed and feels worthless in some way can be a very sweet, attentive, wonderful partner, until eventually it dawns on him that if he's worthless and you really care about him, then maybe you're not so great yourself. (I am not implying this is true, but that is how their tiny little minds work, the guys with low self-esteem.) And then he's going to treat you like shit (like dump you in a text message). You may have gotten off easy after only investing four months of your time. Maybe you'll be smarter than me and it will only take you one of these guys to learn to seek out happy, emotionally healthy people.

I am sorry you are hurting, but I can promise that you WILL feel better in time. The heart is a really resilient muscle.
 
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Honest my ass! Then why did he reactivete his profile on the dating page we met on. He obviously lied about needing to be single for a while. Maybe lying makes him feel better. He's pretty damn good at it. I've never dated someone who could lie so easily to my face and I not pick up on it.

Let him go. Yeah, the text break up may be cowardly, but he's being honest with himself.

The pain, well that's because a break-up during NRE is just as hard as if you were breaking up and being together a year, 10 years, 20 years...your heart/mind just hasn't lost those endorphins from this new romance.

I experienced this mildly last October when a boyfriend turned out to only want nsa from me. I got a bit too emotionally invested a bit too early. For some weird reason it affected me in such a devastating way, I had to go work out a lot to get those "sad" feelers out of my system and to move on.

You can't "fight" to keep him...he's made his decision. You can only accept it and be friends or accept it and move on and never be friends.:(
 
Honest my ass! Then why did he reactivete his profile on the dating page we met on. He obviously lied about needing to be single for a while. Maybe lying makes him feel better. He's pretty damn good at it. I've never dated someone who could lie so easily to my face and I not pick up on it.

Well now that changes everything. Definitely not a guy I'd fight for or pine over. Once a person can lie they mostly can never stop.:mad:
 
Don't fall in love with a fantasy.
 
Honest my ass! Then why did he reactivete his profile on the dating page we met on. He obviously lied about needing to be single for a while. Maybe lying makes him feel better. He's pretty damn good at it. I've never dated someone who could lie so easily to my face and I not pick up on it.

I doubt it's as sinister as all of that, but I understand how the breakup emotions work. It's FAR easier to move past someone who is not a part of our lives any longer if we are not pining to have them back. So, we assign villainy to their character to make it easier for us to rationalize moving on. It's pretty normal, though I'm not sure it's actually very healthy.

Here's how it sounds to me:
He met someone he liked and they dated.
She (I'm guessing, I don't know the genders involved) was married but it was all in the open, so... whatever.
He has some lingering feelings about his divorce, some emotional issues that weigh him down, but this girl feels good and he's glad to have her.
Then he meets her husband...
This poly thing is now very real and he has to come to terms with the fact that he is "sharing" this girl with her "real" love.
It eats at him for a couple of weeks and then he can't stand it anymore.
He texts a breakup, tries to explain, tries to give her the answers he thinks will ease the shock and pain for her.
After a short while he puts his dating profile back up. Maybe as a distraction, maybe hoping to fill the void he thought he'd already filled... but definitely not going to entertain the idea of poly any time soon.​

Throwing around "coward" and "liar" seems like a defense mechanism to avoid feeling emotions related to loss. It's ok to miss him and to long for what could have been. You don't need him to be a bad guy to get over him.

Break ups suck the big one. Sorry you're going through it and I hope that you can maintain honesty with yourself and grow from the pain.
 
That is very possible. Maybe I'm not your typical girl. I want the truth no matter how brutal it is. If someone lies to "protect" my feelings, I'm hurt even more once I find out it was all a lie, and its like reliving the pain all over again times ten. He knows this, but I think it makes him feel better if he believes that he is saving me any pain.
When you break up with someone, it should be done in person and you should be honest, and allow questions. It allows them closure, and they can move on faster. I feel like I was denied that.
Their are cases where a text would be okay... Like if it was just a few dates or it's an abusive person.

Your right about making him the "bad guy", I handle anger better than I do pain.
Honestly, he's not a bad guy, we had a very happy and easily going relationship. We didn't even have our first fight yet. The way he broke up with me is the only selfish thing he has done. He saved himself the pain and heart break by not doing it in person, and left me confused and with unanswered questions.

I doubt it's as sinister as all of that, but I understand how the breakup emotions work. It's FAR easier to move past someone who is not a part of our lives any longer if we are not pining to have them back. So, we assign villainy to their character to make it easier for us to rationalize moving on. It's pretty normal, though I'm not sure it's actually very healthy.

Here's how it sounds to me:
He met someone he liked and they dated.
She (I'm guessing, I don't know the genders involved) was married but it was all in the open, so... whatever.
He has some lingering feelings about his divorce, some emotional issues that weigh him down, but this girl feels good and he's glad to have her.
Then he meets her husband...
This poly thing is now very real and he has to come to terms with the fact that he is "sharing" this girl with her "real" love.
It eats at him for a couple of weeks and then he can't stand it anymore.
He texts a breakup, tries to explain, tries to give her the answers he thinks will ease the shock and pain for her.
After a short while he puts his dating profile back up. Maybe as a distraction, maybe hoping to fill the void he thought he'd already filled... but definitely not going to entertain the idea of poly any time soon.​

Throwing around "coward" and "liar" seems like a defense mechanism to avoid feeling emotions related to loss. It's ok to miss him and to long for what could have been. You don't need him to be a bad guy to get over him.

Break ups suck the big one. Sorry you're going through it and I hope that you can maintain honesty with yourself and grow from the pain.
 
So what if he did it by text message. It is his life to live. He doesn't have to play by your rules.

You were perhaps his rebound relationship. Maybe he thought he was ok dating a married woman but he wasn't. So what if he is looking again guess what that is none of your business.

Let it go.. It was only a few months. Guess what this is what happens when you date. Go read message boards like on plenty of fish, loveshack, or etc. Add in being married it makes it teen times harder.
 
It isn't about playing by anyone else's rules. We each have an idea of how we want to be treated. He did what he did and she can have an opinion of his behavior. It's interpersonal relationships, not baseball.
 
Yeah and he is allowed to run HIS side of the "relationship" how he sees fit.

She is lucky he even dumped her via text message. He could have ignored her existence and just faded out without an explanation.

It was a 3 month relationship. He made it clear he wasn't happy in a round about way as stated by the OP in other posts. The ex BF had concerns about dating a married woman. He decided it wasn't for him.

Guess what when you date single mono men this is the risk you take. He doesn't owe her anything more than what he gave her. I don't blame him for the text dump. The OP states over and over that he knows that she wanted XY and z. Well that isn't what he could give her so he did what is best for him. We have only heard her side and as the old saying goes there's her side, his side, and then the truth.

Getting dumped sucks. You just have to suck it up and get on with your life. It took me years before I found Murf. Dated a lot of men outside my marriage before him. You learn not to fall so fast. At three months you probably haven't even farted in front of them and you are still on your best behavior.

If it was a longer relationship then I could see the Ops point.
 
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You do have some good points. I actually wanted to slow down in the relationship for this very reason. I didnt want it to get serious, I didn't want to fall for him, I didn't want to let my guard down and get hurt. He pushed for me to open up and let him in, he wanted more. He's the one who wanted to move fast.
The lesson that I have learned is not to let a guy push me into a relationship that I am not ready for. I don't know his reasoning for being pushy, maybe he needed to know that he could be loved again after his divorce, maybe it was real for him, maybe not, or maybe it was a fanaticy.

When he stated on a few occasions that he fantasized about me being his, I should have known something was wrong, but I thought that was normal for someone was new to poly.

Yeah and he is allowed to run HIS side of the "relationship" how he sees fit.

She is lucky he even dumped her via text message. He could have ignored her existence and just faded out without an explanation.

It was a 3 month relationship. He made it clear he wasn't happy in a round about way as stated by the OP in other posts. The ex BF had concerns about dating a married woman. He decided it wasn't for him.

Guess what when you date single mono men this is the risk you take. He doesn't owe her anything more than what he gave her. I don't blame him for the text dump. The OP states over and over that he knows that she wanted XY and z. Well that isn't what he could give her so he did what is best for him. We have only heard her side and as the old saying goes there's her side, his side, and then the truth.

Getting dumped sucks. You just have to suck it up and get on with your life. It took me years before I found Murf. Dated a lot of men outside my marriage before him. You learn not to fall so fast. At three months you probably haven't even farted in front of them and you are still on your best behavior.

If it was a longer relationship then I could see the Ops point.
 
Unfortunately I think your exbf was on the rebound and your were his rebound relationship. Honestly I avoid being anyone first anything.
 
I have thought that could be it, but what is a true rebound? He went on a dating spree before I came along, and slept with two people. Nothing lasted more than a few weeks and some became friends.

I won't be anyone's first relationship after a divorce or break up again.

Unfortunately I think your exbf was on the rebound and your were his rebound relationship. Honestly I avoid being anyone first anything.
 
Every experience makes us..., well, more experienced. I doubt that any of his of his behavior was designed to hurt you. That said, I imagine the person he lies to most is himself.

I know what it is like to feel deceived and hurt, but over time logic has come to rule emotion, and distance has allowed me be more objective. It will be true with you as well.
 
The lesson that I have learned is not to let a guy push me into a relationship that I am not ready for.

What did he do to "push" you to fall in love with him? He said he wanted a deeper relationship and that "pushed" you into profound intimate love of the ages with him? No one can push us into feeling love for them, if anything it generally causes the opposite reaction.

I'm not trying to pick on you, I really do get why people (myself included) are drawn into this blame game. Again, I suggest moving away from figuring out reasons to make him the bad guy. Anger is really great at covering up real emotions like fear, but that's all it does... cover up what is really happening.

When he stated on a few occasions that he fantasized about me being his, I should have known something was wrong, but I thought that was normal for someone was new to poly.

This is a HUGE red flag that someone wants to cowboy your relationship; basically trying to poach someone from their other relationships. It is also a red flag that is not usually picked up on until the mistake has been made at least once. Personally I wouldn't beat myself up about missing this one if I were you, some of these lessons require the mistake to be made before we can learn not to make the mistake.

If we are calm and rational enough to listen, people are often telling us their expectations. Unfortunately NRE makes this much harder (and impossible for some people). I expect that the next time you hear someone tell you they want you to be your only one, a little alarm will go off in your head and you will have some follow up questions for them.
 
Was he your first relationship outside of your marriage? I know I took my breakup with the woman I opened up my marriage to be with VERY HARD. I was only with her for five months, but I had invested so much emotionally (and wreaked havoc in my marriage) that when she began to pull away (not because she wasn't comfy with poly, for reasons having nothing to do with me) I just lost it.

It's almost like, being married and mono so long, I had forgotten how to just relax into a relationship. I hadn't opened my heart and mind to anyone but my husband in so long, it was almost like being a stupid, vulnerable teenager again.

I did not get the (IMHO) fairly clean break you got. Mine was messy, prolonged, and traumatic and still hurts to think of it. Now that I'm a bit more experienced "dating while married" I think I'm better equipped to deal when someone I want wants out of a relationship with me.

Don't listen to anyone who invalidates your feelings just because it was only 4 months, you are allowed to hurt. But you need to let it go. Don't chase him, don't contact him. Don't try to change his mind. I speak from experience, here. It won't work, and it just keeps you from moving on.
 
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