Venting/Ranting/Letting the crazy talk out of my head
wishing that this side of me was something i could set aside... wishing that the repressing of it didn't hurt just as much as repressing how i feel for T...
all the while hoping/knowing that there will be something that gives at some point in the future... just wish i knew when (and whether it will be my sanity that goes first
)
still WW is right - there hasn't been a single month since this has been brought up that something hasn't happened...
Valentines day T popped back into fb and changed his pics, this week he opened it up so i can see his wall (with everything deleted except for a comment he had left on my status the year before... "receptive" ) - and yes i can see the dates on his damn pics now... stupid me for being curious about the change, he deleted a huge number of prof pics he had used over the last few months and now there are only four - all of which are significant... one was mentioned in my letter, one reminds me of a comment he made about how he would love someone in my situation from afar, before everything blew up. the other two were both put up on Valentines day, one is a lonely/thoughtful character... and the other is a close up of himself...
if i could just let go then i bloody would... i hate hurting WW, and I hate feeling like this... whatever this feeling is... the thing is though... WW and I aren't talking about it anymore... he is so right about him not getting to have a break from thinking about it.... but at the same time if I notice something and it bothers me - he wants me to talk to him about it... I can't bloody win... he seems to be using the lack of settle time as an excuse to not progress/even think at all about it, in any way... and I am starting to feel resentful... and I hate that.
It's not his fault that I am like this... It's not his fault that I didn't discover this about myself until we were already in love, and until I was already in love with someone else. BUT - It's not my fault either... If I had known I would have been walking around with flashing neon signs - arrows pointing to my head saying "guaranteed to drive you crazy" (okay maybe a small exaggeration there
but i wouldn't have been hiding it - i would have been upfront about it)...
I'm not asking him to change who he is, I am asking him to accept this about me... I think I have done pretty well in respecting how he feels, I have given him as much space about it - within the limits of still maintaining open and honest communication - as I can, and I haven't been pursuing the other relationship... I HAVE maintained my position of loving them both.
I am at a loss of what to do... and letting it go? as i said - I would if i could... and to me if I COULD just let it go... it wouldn't say much for the quality and strength of my love... If it were absolutely clear that T had moved on, didn't want anything to do with me... that would hurt but it would give me no choice but to move on... as it is, with him popping on and off msn... and the changes on fb (particularly as they are so out of character and ARE essentially his version of screaming to the world)... leave me torn... I WANT to sort it out, I WANT to have this work, I WANT us to work it out together...
It is also as frustrating as all get-out that WW has essentially made it a condition of me talking to T (or vice versa), that T talk to WW. I get it - but it is not a helpful thing, I think.
I believe that T allowed himself to start falling in love with me because he thought he was safe... that I obviously loved WW so much, there was no chance of me returning his feelings... and then when it became apparent that I did...and worse what I wanted... he panicked, and also allowed guilt to consume him about betraying his friendship with WW (which I don't think would be the case if I didn't return the feelings... interesting concept there), but he had fallen too far himself and now cannot himself walk away. because of all that - I don't think he has the first clue about how to talk to WW... and WW has no interest in talking to T. and I am eating my just desserts...
sorry for the long rant - if anyone has the magic code of how to switch my heart off ... let me know huh?? please feel free to discuss my thoughts... i am feeling down and need some empathy... but really need some new ideas to help work through this - cos mine obviously arent working.
and RP (and anyone else with awesome tag recalling skills) - if you read this one - i would be most pleased with some tag search ideas... i am up to speed with most of the recent threads - if there are some older ones (12mths +) on similar topics I have probably missed them (and apart from the more active members I haven't delved into too many blogs).
specifically... how do i help WW take another step or two - or at least allow me to communicate with T (yes - if T is willing, but the key for me at the moment is having WW okay with the idea and actuality of that)?
or conversely, help me find ways to let go AND find peace inside myself (which also needs for me to feel accepted by WW)??
*tootling off now to occupy myself in something thoroughly random... in a blatant attempt to stop focusing on this particular white elephant*