So, I'm currently living with my girlfriend, "Jane". She is married to "John", but John lives in his own apartment. John and Jane lived together for 5 years prior to my relationship with Jane (monogamously). I now live here with my 17 year old daughter and her 15 year old daughter. My sons come over regularly and all of the kids get along great.
For some reason, I get resistance from building a positive relationship with my Jane's daughter, "Jill". I know her well enough to know that she's hot and cold about just about everyone she knows, but I feel as though Jill is much more "cold' with me than anything. She started out being a proud poly child once she wrapped her mind around it. She told a lot of friends at school about it and even had me and her mom host her birthday party sleepover.
However, Jill has lost some friends to polyamory. When some of her friends shared our lifestyle with their parents, they were no longer allowed to be around Jill or our household. Some of these friends were long time friends and this hurt her badly, even though she doesn't show it. She has, however, become very vocal about how much she doesn't like polyamory and wishes things could go back to the way they were before it all began.
Jill has a strong resentment for me (in my opinion) because I'm the thing that "changed" her life in the way that she no longer wants to be a part of. Jane and I are both in agreement that there is no "going back" at this point. This is how her mom, John and I live. I think another reason that Jill is resenting me is that her mom now spends 4 or 5 nights a week (depending on the week) away from home. Jill now has a new boyfriend in the picture that gets 2 nights a week as well.
I'm trying to build a relationship with Jill since we do spend so much time together and I'm trying to also co-parent Jill since Jane is not home so much and I am the only adult figure in the household. However, we've only been living here a month and I'm still not sure what my co-parenting limits are. I do know that if Jill wants to have company over or wants to go somewhere, she is to call her mother and not ask my permission because I could not give it. Jane also will not let Jill's friends spend the night unless it is on one of her nights to be home.
I feel bad for Jill. This has to be hard on her, I want her to understand that I get why she feels the way she does. But, I want her to understand that I am not going anywhere and I am here to love and support her just as much as her mom would. I just can't get close to her.
Example: Tonight, I was thinking it would be a cool little trip to go to Kings Island for a short trip (go up one night, get a hotel and go to the park all day long). Kings Island has some great discounts going on and I thought we could swing the trip financially. I asked Jill what her thoughts were of herself, her mother, myself and my daughter going on a Kings Island trip. Jill said quite bluntly, "Well, I don't know, I would rather just go with my mom."
Ouch.
Have any of you had to help parent a partner's child and the child was not in favor of the relationship/lifestyle choice? Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I must not be the only one who has gone through this and I'm open to any suggestions as to how I can overcome Jill's resentment toward me so she can see what the true benefits of being a poly family child are.
It's quite a cool thing to have more than 2 "parent" figures that love you and you can always count on. This is my vision, anyhow.
There's many examples like what you see up there, but I feel like I "have no parenting authority".... which makes me feel like a babysitter sometimes and that frustrates me. I tell Jane that I feel that way and she thinks I don't care for or want her daughter with me when she is away from home. It's not that, I just think that she would need to give me some authority in Jill's life so that I can be respected as a "parent". If Jill knows I can't make any decisions, why would she ever respect me? She's started to push boundaries and break rules. Jane's rule is that I don't handle it, I call her and she will call Jill and take care of it. Jill says, "What, did he call and tell on me?" then she becomes more angry with me and refuses to talk to me or come out of her room.
It's funny, as I sit and write this, I think of what needs to happen, so... I'll share my thoughts and I welcome ANY AND ALL feedback.
Jane needs to spend more quantity of time at home with Jill. At least see her for some time each day. It's hard for her to go 5 days without seeing her mom. Also, I need to be given some power to do some of the parenting when Jane is away. I think that Jane should expect & trust that I would make the right choices in Jill's life knowing how her mother would handle the same situation.
Wow.. this was a novel. My apologies and my appreciation to those that actually read this and offer me some suggestions.
For some reason, I get resistance from building a positive relationship with my Jane's daughter, "Jill". I know her well enough to know that she's hot and cold about just about everyone she knows, but I feel as though Jill is much more "cold' with me than anything. She started out being a proud poly child once she wrapped her mind around it. She told a lot of friends at school about it and even had me and her mom host her birthday party sleepover.
However, Jill has lost some friends to polyamory. When some of her friends shared our lifestyle with their parents, they were no longer allowed to be around Jill or our household. Some of these friends were long time friends and this hurt her badly, even though she doesn't show it. She has, however, become very vocal about how much she doesn't like polyamory and wishes things could go back to the way they were before it all began.
Jill has a strong resentment for me (in my opinion) because I'm the thing that "changed" her life in the way that she no longer wants to be a part of. Jane and I are both in agreement that there is no "going back" at this point. This is how her mom, John and I live. I think another reason that Jill is resenting me is that her mom now spends 4 or 5 nights a week (depending on the week) away from home. Jill now has a new boyfriend in the picture that gets 2 nights a week as well.
I'm trying to build a relationship with Jill since we do spend so much time together and I'm trying to also co-parent Jill since Jane is not home so much and I am the only adult figure in the household. However, we've only been living here a month and I'm still not sure what my co-parenting limits are. I do know that if Jill wants to have company over or wants to go somewhere, she is to call her mother and not ask my permission because I could not give it. Jane also will not let Jill's friends spend the night unless it is on one of her nights to be home.
I feel bad for Jill. This has to be hard on her, I want her to understand that I get why she feels the way she does. But, I want her to understand that I am not going anywhere and I am here to love and support her just as much as her mom would. I just can't get close to her.
Example: Tonight, I was thinking it would be a cool little trip to go to Kings Island for a short trip (go up one night, get a hotel and go to the park all day long). Kings Island has some great discounts going on and I thought we could swing the trip financially. I asked Jill what her thoughts were of herself, her mother, myself and my daughter going on a Kings Island trip. Jill said quite bluntly, "Well, I don't know, I would rather just go with my mom."
Ouch.
Have any of you had to help parent a partner's child and the child was not in favor of the relationship/lifestyle choice? Has anyone experienced anything like this? I feel like I must not be the only one who has gone through this and I'm open to any suggestions as to how I can overcome Jill's resentment toward me so she can see what the true benefits of being a poly family child are.
It's quite a cool thing to have more than 2 "parent" figures that love you and you can always count on. This is my vision, anyhow.
There's many examples like what you see up there, but I feel like I "have no parenting authority".... which makes me feel like a babysitter sometimes and that frustrates me. I tell Jane that I feel that way and she thinks I don't care for or want her daughter with me when she is away from home. It's not that, I just think that she would need to give me some authority in Jill's life so that I can be respected as a "parent". If Jill knows I can't make any decisions, why would she ever respect me? She's started to push boundaries and break rules. Jane's rule is that I don't handle it, I call her and she will call Jill and take care of it. Jill says, "What, did he call and tell on me?" then she becomes more angry with me and refuses to talk to me or come out of her room.
It's funny, as I sit and write this, I think of what needs to happen, so... I'll share my thoughts and I welcome ANY AND ALL feedback.
Jane needs to spend more quantity of time at home with Jill. At least see her for some time each day. It's hard for her to go 5 days without seeing her mom. Also, I need to be given some power to do some of the parenting when Jane is away. I think that Jane should expect & trust that I would make the right choices in Jill's life knowing how her mother would handle the same situation.
Wow.. this was a novel. My apologies and my appreciation to those that actually read this and offer me some suggestions.