Am I polyamorous?

catbird

New member
I'm not sure at all I belong here.

My situation is my wife doesn't relate to me the way I need. She has a tendency to shut me out with book reading. This has been going on for seventeen years now. I try to love her the way she likes. I don't know that she 'gets' love.

It reaches a point where you have to save your own life. In this case find someone who will fill in the blank spaces in your marriage. I'm a faithful kind of guy, really don't like having to do this, but feel I must find someone in addition.

I don't know about that though. There is so much about it that could end in heartbreak. My wife and I have talked though, about the problem. That doesn't help. I don't see an alternative. I have no wish to hurt her. But I want love, and don't think it's asking too much to have.

If one of your threads already discusses this well, I would be most grateful to have it pointed out. I rather gather that cheating on one's spouse isn't what you guys do. If I don't have a place here I understand. Perhaps I need a site for marital problems. I don't know anymore, except that I want love.

catbird
 
Poly is about love. Not about not having love but expanding it. If you were to identify as poly then you would need to have the best possible relationship with your wife before finding more partners. Poly is not about filling in the gaps but expanding what you have already.

It sounds like you are ready to move on from your marriage. Not easy, but necessary sometimes in order to live to our best possible potential. Yes, a site for marriage advice might be better, but you also may find, in reading here, that you will learn something of what you should do next in your life.
 
I'm not sure at all I belong here.

My situation is my wife doesn't relate to me the way I need. She has a tendency to shut me out with book reading. This has been going on for seventeen years now. I try to love her the way she likes. I don't know that she 'gets' love.

It reaches a point where you have to save your own life. In this case find someone who will fill in the blank spaces in your marriage. I'm a faithful kind of guy, really don't like having to do this, but feel I must find someone in addition.

I don't know about that though. There is so much about it that could end in heartbreak. My wife and I have talked though, about the problem. That doesn't help. I don't see an alternative. I have no wish to hurt her. But I want love, and don't think it's asking too much to have.

If one of your threads already discusses this well, I would be most grateful to have it pointed out. I rather gather that cheating on one's spouse isn't what you guys do. If I don't have a place here I understand. Perhaps I need a site for marital problems. I don't know anymore, except that I want love.

catbird

Oh, wow. I really am tempted to respond to you not because I am poly, I am not. I was just intrigued by the lifestyle.

I want to respond because your wife sounds like me. I am so sorry....

I did this to two husbands. I just was not into sex, it wasn't either husband, it was me. They had a hell of a time processing that, as did I. I don't blame them...and it wasn't them...wasn't their fault at all, it was me.
I told them this, too. The first tolerated me....and eventually, I left him...long story, and it did NOT turn out well, believe me. I feel guilty about it to this very day.

The second, he had affairs. I left him, actually not because of the affairs, (but I was pissed, actually what annoyed me was the fact that he didn't tell me...I think if he did, and we had a great healthy relationship otherwise..I think we'd still be together) but because of other issues.
He's a good man, I do care for him, but we have no relationship at all, however we are still legally married. I have full custody of our son. He (the ex) lives with a woman who is very nice, and I think they have been together for about-um, 5-6 years?

When I came across this...I couldn't help but think, if we both had known about this, would we have still have been together? I don't know. See, we had other issues...so-not sure.

I have been in therapy for this and other emotional issues....some of it had to do with the lack of sexual desire.
I think perhaps there might be a physical reason, too...not sure. I never really looked into that.
Now, there's no point, I have no SO at the moment. If I ever were to have another one, I'd have to get some tests done...or perhaps they wouldn't care. Who knows?

Would your wife consider this solution- I mean the poly thing? I wish I had any advice...I don't. I just wanted to say that I suppose I could relate in some sort of way? I hope you get the answers and support you need..
 
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Poly is about love. Not about not having love but expanding it. If you were to identify as poly then you would need to have the best possible relationship with your wife before finding more partners. Poly is not about filling in the gaps but expanding what you have already.

It sounds like you are ready to move on from your marriage. Not easy, but necessary sometimes in order to live to our best possible potential. Yes, a site for marriage advice might be better, but you also may find, in reading here, that you will learn something of what you should do next in your life.

Poly is about love. Not about not having love but expanding it.
Well, there you have it. You answered my question-I wondered....will something like this have worked for the ex and I?
Looking at it that way....no, it wouldn't have worked....but then again...I do love the ex...but the sexual desire isn't there, not like it is with most people. And it's not him. So....dunno. But the-what?-emotional closeness was there at one point.
If that makes sense...
 
thanks

Thank you redpepper and phoenix762. I have no idea if my wife would go poly, and as you say I don't think now would be the time to ask. Yes, I will browse here.

Thinking about having more than one lover has been a lot to think about. Seems like in American society if a woman has more than one man she is called all manner of awful names. The same for a man bedding more than one woman. Why? Because they are able to love more than one person at a time. Why isn't that thought of as generous?

A parent may love child (as a parent of course) and spouse at the same time, and that is loving more than one person. But take multiple lovers and it's a threat to the church and the government, can ruin a person's career or even family. I DON'T GET how our society became this. Even in the Bible neither the Hebrews nor most of the other peoples were monogamous. Where did this come from?
 
Everyone belongs here if they have thoughts, questions, or feelings of polyamory.

I have two thoughts on your situation.

The first is that if your wife doesn't understand love, she most definitely will not understand polyamorous love. Polyamory requires the loving support of partners who want your happiness and are willing to do hard work on their beliefs and feelings in order to encourage your full potential of happiness.

The second is that adding another person to a broken relationship is just sucking them into your pain. You're absolutely right that it reaches a point where you have to save your own life, seek your own happiness. I don't feel that bringing someone else into your life to so-called "fill in the gaps of your marriage" will do that. I think it will bring to your life more pain and anguish than joy and happiness.

A lot of people don't know how to love. It's something we learn as children and is very difficult to learn later in life, although it can be done. Before looking for a new girlfriend, I would try marriage counselling to communicate that your needs are not being met and to see if there is the possibility within the relationship to meet those needs. If not, it may be necessary to admit that you need to leave the relationship in order to save your happiness.
 
Here's my thought based on my life.. Some of this will pertain to you and I'm sure that some will not. My husband and I have been married 2 years and together 3. He was very up front when we started dating that he was interested in a poly lifestyle. At first he wanted to experience 3 somes and occasional random hookups. Not exactly the poly lifestyle (while the random hookups). I am not into women as much and wasn't really feeling the whole 3some thing especially in a new relationship (I still feel that way). As far as a poly I had told him that in order for anything like that to work we needed a strong relationship first. The subject has been dropped for 3 years and just recently been resurrected. I still belive that in order for a poly to work your primary should be strong. I don't think that you should go into a poly relationship because your marriage now isn't working. This is just going to lead to confusion and resentment.

I know I am new to this and technically I have never been in a poly relationship. Though being how my husband was upfront front the beginning, I have had 3 years to learn about this, myself, our marriage, and relationships in general. Our idea for a poly is that we would have someone else to fulfill aspects that maybe he or I can not. His idea of what he wants has also changed in 3 years. We now have a family and we know eachother much better and are still learning. He no longer craves those random hookups or the idea of a 3some. He respects me much more and respects what I need and want. In turn I do too. I have known that this would eventually be an issue in our relationship if I was to just turn my back to what he wanted. Any relationship takes work and compromise. I have been given the time to think about it. Though I was never closed off to the idea comepletely.

Now that we are speaking about it again, we are trying to figure our boundaries, complications, and what we want. He has even said that another couple would probably be the best of us. I agree. Right now we are trying to wade through all of this, the what ifs, and the rules before we even think about finding another couple. If your wife is already tuning you out and communication is broken down I don't think she would be very open to an alternative lifestyle as this.

As I have learned recently sometimes the best thing in life is clarity smacking you in the face. Maybe you just need to be upfront with her and tell her where you see your marriage sitting at. That might be a better route then telling her you want a relationship with someone else. I hope this helps :)
 
If one of your threads already discusses this well, I would be most grateful to have it pointed out. I rather gather that cheating on one's spouse isn't what you guys do. If I don't have a place here I understand. Perhaps I need a site for marital problems. I don't know anymore, except that I want love.

Ideally this isn't something anyone does in any relationship. But as with any relationship, it CAN happen and does.

As for belonging, sc is right. Everyone has a place here. Its a discussion group about polyamory. Period. I have in the last little while questioned my being on here. As I am not in a current poly relationship. But I keep coming back to the fact that I have in fact and do in fact romantically love multiple people...regardless of my current relationship status :)

One thing you will learn on this site, regardless of your status is great methods of communication, which you can hopefully use in your life.

:)
 
I don't see an alternative. I have no wish to hurt her. But I want love, and don't think it's asking too much to have.
Take it from someone who's been cheated on: Don't. It's a miserable experience for everyone involved.

Suggest an open relationship if you think there's a chance she'll genuinely go for it. If there's a chance counseling will solve your problems, knock yourself out. Otherwise, just leave. She doesn't deserve to be lied to and you won't enjoy doing the lying.

Besides, even if you cheat and she finds out and doesn't leave, it certainly won't improve your home life and you'll just end up spending more and more time with someone else until you finally do decide to leave.
 
Take it from someone who's been cheated on: Don't. It's a miserable experience for everyone involved.

Suggest an open relationship if you think there's a chance she'll genuinely go for it. If there's a chance counseling will solve your problems, knock yourself out. Otherwise, just leave. She doesn't deserve to be lied to and you won't enjoy doing the lying.

Besides, even if you cheat and she finds out and doesn't leave, it certainly won't improve your home life and you'll just end up spending more and more time with someone else until you finally do decide to leave.

Take it from the person who has done the cheating...it scars you and if you know better (which you do) avoid it at all costs. Better off to leave her in my opinion.

If you are at the breaking point then say something, ask for an open relationship or whatever but don't cheat. You can't undo it.
 
Take it from the person who has done the cheating...it scars you
My wife, who did the cheating, would tell you the same thing. It's been 5 years (read: ancient history) and she still gets emotional about it every once in a while. 'Miserable' really isn't a strong enough word for it.
 
I still get miserable and draw a tear and it was about 20 years ago... at a time in my life where I would be forgiven for such a thing as I was young! it's just plain bad news all around except it made me grow up, smarten up and be responsible for how I act and treat people.
 
He has even said that another couple would probably be the best of us. I agree. Right now we are trying to wade through all of this, the what ifs, and the rules before we even think about finding another couple.

May I ask what your motivation is for seeking a couple? I only ask because I've seen that blown up a lot, and it's practically a policy of mine to specifically avoid dating couples.

I had a friend recently have her heart broken when she and her partner started seeing this other couple. Her partner and the wife really hit it off, and my friend thought she was hitting it off with the husband. Then when her partner and the wife went to run an errand, he made a move on her and they made out in the car. Meanwhile, the husband was basically breaking up with my friend. Obviously that relationship lacked communication (it eventually came out that the husband was not polyamorous, just trying to go along with it because his wife was poly).

Just seems like dating a couple has a lot more room for complications.
 
I'm not completely certain what polyamorous is. If it means sleeping with a man and a woman at the same time, that isn't for me. I think I'm capable of loving more than one woman at the same time. I also think most humans are naturally the same way, that is, can love many of the opposite sex.

I have no idea how monogamy became so popular and so established in society and history. It is equated with morality, loyalty, doing the right thing, being Biblical, being correct, with true love as opposed to being untrue, and all that is good about relationships. And actually none of that is necessarily true. Even the ancient Hebrews took more than one spouse.

I suppose all of this is very nice but doesn't take social realities into consideration? I've lived with my wife for 17 years now, and we're both nearing sixty. I don't have any illusions about finding someone else to love if I leave her. Women are sweet to old men, but treat us like their fathers. I suppose it must be absurd that an old man should want to act like a young man, try to - I don't know. Follow my heart, I guess.
 
I'm not completely certain what polyamorous is. If it means sleeping with a man and a woman at the same time, that isn't for me. I think I'm capable of loving more than one woman at the same time. I also think most humans are naturally the same way, that is, can love many of the opposite sex.

It means knowing you have the ability to love multiple people.

I have no idea how monogamy became so popular and so established in society and history. It is equated with morality, loyalty, doing the right thing, being Biblical, being correct, with true love as opposed to being untrue, and all that is good about relationships. And actually none of that is necessarily true. Even the ancient Hebrews took more than one spouse.

Blame the catholics...those guys screwed up everything :) :p

I suppose all of this is very nice but doesn't take social realities into consideration? I've lived with my wife for 17 years now, and we're both nearing sixty. I don't have any illusions about finding someone else to love if I leave her. Women are sweet to old men, but treat us like their fathers. I suppose it must be absurd that an old man should want to act like a young man, try to - I don't know. Follow my heart, I guess.

As a guy into D/s you might be surprised at how many women love older men. There are entire sexual and romantic fetishes built around age difference. There are lots of women interesting in 50 to 60 something men :)...you might just have to know where to look.
 
AK, it seems he isn't interested in the daddy thing... Or did I get that wrong? I wouldn't put it past me today. I got that he wants to be treated as a young man and thinks that might be impossible. I don't think so personally. It seems age has no bounds in poly. You are the age you act and its more about connection and common interest.

I do suggest you do some more reading on here though in order to familiarize yourself a bit more.
 
As I have learned recently sometimes the best thing in life is clarity smacking you in the face. Maybe you just need to be upfront with her and tell her where you see your marriage sitting at. That might be a better route then telling her you want a relationship with someone else. I hope this helps :)

Thank you pyxiegrl, and to all who are trying to respond to me. You have all been very kind and tolerant, and I'm sincerely grateful.

I know my wife, and am trying to be as generous about her as I can, but I've been upfront with her before, to no effect. Now recently she has suspected that I'm searching for another woman, and it has woken her right up. She is doing the best she can to be more affectionate but reaches a barrier. I don't know how many here are familiar with the women's movement? Darla is this state's treasurer of N.O.W. Was active and vocal for women's rights 40 years ago, marched and shouted for years and years, continues active now.

She sees most of women's problems coming from men. That may or may not be, but she finds it very hard to truly love a man, however much she's motivated. I'm not sure either she or I can win here, no matter if we so want it to work.

I don't know if you nice folks will believe me. I didn't want to go to even these extremes.

-----------------------------

AK, it seems he isn't interested in the daddy thing... Or did I get that wrong? I wouldn't put it past me today. I got that he wants to be treated as a young man and thinks that might be impossible. I don't think so personally. It seems age has no bounds in poly. You are the age you act and its more about connection and common interest.

I do suggest you do some more reading on here though in order to familiarize yourself a bit more.

-----------------------------

Thank you very much for your information, Ariakas, and you too redpepper for advice. I very much want advice, and truthfully don't know if interested in the daddy thing or not. It involves at least one other person and can't be all about just me. It's about being gentle to someone who can be gentle back.

Yes, Moderator, I will read here as you suggest. You folks seem really level-headed. I think love is about that, too. If you really have love, a level head is what you achieve.
 
Yes, Moderator, I will read here as you suggest.

mmmmmm MM I love an obedient man... :p you made my knees buckle there for a sec...:D maybe you need a mistress? instead of being a daddy?

I know my wife, and am trying to be as generous about her as I can, but I've been upfront with her before, to no effect. Now recently she has suspected that I'm searching for another woman, and it has woken her right up. She is doing the best she can to be more affectionate but reaches a barrier. I don't know how many here are familiar with the women's movement? Darla is this state's treasurer of N.O.W. Was active and vocal for women's rights 40 years ago, marched and shouted for years and years, continues active now.

She sees most of women's problems coming from men. That may or may not be, but she finds it very hard to truly love a man, however much she's motivated. I'm not sure either she or I can win here, no matter if we so want it to work.

I don't know if you nice folks will believe me. I didn't want to go to even these extremes.

My mother was a women's rights activist in Toronto where I started my life. My childhood was filled with rally's, meetings, bra-less women and my mum talking about lesbians hitting on her. A whole lot of smoking I remember too, back in the day when people actually smoked in small rooms with children playing at their feet. Not so common now. I remember some women complaining that we were there, but that was always short lived as my mum was always quick to put them in their place. After all, they were women and motherhood is a huge part of that for quite a few women.

She also equates much of her hardship in life to what men have done to make it difficult for women. Sometimes I think it's hypocritical bullshit. SHE created a lot of it and creates just as much for others.

She pushed my dad the most with her ideals ... and this is where I am triggered by your post. He bore the brunt of her anger and resentment towards men. I think a lot of men did from that generation. I hope it isn't so much the case now, but she still puts the whole, "I am a woman and therefore don't have as much rights as you" thing over his head. She claims he still doesn't get that, but all I see is a way to make him feel defenseless in his argument.

Recently she had a big blow out and claimed that she hasn't loved him in years and that she only stayed because of us kids and for his money. He chose to ignore it and chalked it up to what he has always heard... very sad. I was livid, she has no reason to stay for us and hasn't since I was 16 when I left home... it's bullshit. It's bullshit what she created from man hating as a younger woman... there is no equality in it at all. All I see is the same kind of imbalance.

On that note I have not considered before that this might be a psychological issue. Has your wife talked with anyone about how she has had trouble loving? Perhaps if you were both to go to see someone about it, it might bring you closer together? If a primary relationship is not strong before bringing in new lovers it can cause the primary relationship to burst apart. There is nothing like poly to bring up issues that are easy to keep under wraps when there is just two. It might be in your best interest to work on the two of you first.
 
redpepper

redpepper, you have been a very nice person. Yes, a mistress is what I'm looking for! Aren't you guys at this site telling me that's a bad idea?

No, I knew you were making a joke. :) I love a woman with a smile or grin that won't quit, and hope very much that you're female. :p

Yes, the days that you're describing were bad old days in some respects, and for many who weren't born yet or didn't live through them it would be difficult to persuade them of what it was like. Down here in the states the whole country was up in arms over Vietnam and the draft, people were losing their heads completely over politics on one side or the other, or the other, or the other, etc.

You may not believe this, but my wife has a graduate degree in psychology. She's resistant to counseling, or has been in the past, I think because she thinks she's immune to emotional problems because she studied! Isn't that something?

If I were in your shoes I would think, "OK, catbird is just bullshitting now, he's saying anything to keep his thread going." Nope. And I'm not trying to deride my wife either, it's just that mental immunity is a little hard to know how to approach. I keep my heart open to her and remember that my love for her isn't over and shouldn't be over. My idea isn't to turn away from people here, not to leave her or anyone in the cold.

The idea is generosity. And the idea is also to be generous to MYSELF after I've been generous to everyone I know. God, I sound really sorry for myself don't I? Uh, you know what? I haven't had a hard life, not a truly hard life, but it has been a really interesting life, in the Chinese sense of the word. I'm not sure what I'm writing about here. Don't really know my own heart, because if I did it wouldn't keep springing surprises on me.

So you're into obedience, Ma'am? I never willingly obeyed in my entire life that I recall. I wasn't born a rebel but was made so. I'll bet you are achingly compelling! catbird
 
Haha, yes I'm female catbird. Female and dominant for sure. Mono is enough of a sub for me at the moment however. Well him and a couple of others in a casual way.
I like what you say about being generous. It reminds me of the "relationship theory" thread. Maybe you will find it useful?

I understand what you are saying about your wife thinking she is emtionally immune. My mother has in the past also. We had a huge blow out this past fall when we came out to her that has moved her out of that a bit. She realized that she is not a good communicator as a result and is now looking to us for books and chats about how to communicate. We have been studying and practicing "non-violent communication" (lots written about that in the communication thread).

My mum is a social worker and thinks that our lifestyle is harmful to our child. She still hovers over us waiting to say "I told you so." lots written about that on the "redpepper needs help" thread.

I hope some threads will help (sorry they all relate to me, there are many other really good ones if you do a search) in terms of helping your wife understand how sometimes closing ones mind off from change leaves you in the past when everyone else is in the future.

My mum struggles right now to catch up to what has been happening in the world as far as relationship dynamics are concerned. The light bulb went off when we came out, or shortly after when we weren't talking to one another, and now there is no way but learn and grow or stay in the past and feel like an old woman who is out of sync. Her new growth is making her feel young and vibrant again as she has learned from those that are younger and benefitting from her hard work as an activist.

We all have so much to learn from one another don't we, no matter what the age.

Because I hardly ever hear appreciation for those who have gone before in terms of the work they have done to make life easier for me and more just, I just want to say thank you to all the women, and right now your wife, who have put themselves out there the best way they knew how. *hugs* *cheers* and thank you.
 
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