One Penis Policy

Even though you're poly, your husband has a one penis policy and also can't even stand you commenting on a cute guy on the street?

For me, one of the big benefits of being poly is the basic ability for both my gf and me (who are both pansexual and gender variant, btw) to comment on cute people on the street without getting all bent out of shape. :p Heck, that's a good thing for even mono couples to be able to do.

I'd say it's time to negotiate. Maybe get counseling, for yourself, or both of you, if he'd agree, to help navigate the waters. You can't really practice healthy poly with low self esteem. Also, most women don't like to practice poly if there's a OPP, since that is inherently sexist.

Your h is so insecure about practicing poly he wants you to pretend you're never even attracted to a man, and even has issues around you possibly being penetrated by the clit of a transwoman? (Many transwomen don't like to penetrate someone with their clit anyway...)

I'd say his hurt and his being bent out of shape is his problem. You do not have to kowtow to his attempts to control you. You could make your own decisions and let him deal with it as best he can. Maybe he will learn something. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll continue to be freaked out by the inadequacy of his penis. Maybe he'll learn that his penis and skills are just fine. Maybe he'll improve his skills and start working out as well.

You make your choices, he makes his. You don't have to tamp yourself down to boost his ego. If you're really poly and want the freedom to choose your own partners no matter their gender, you'll be miserable until you are firm in needing that need to be met.
 
I am a supporter of the OPP when it is used as a mutual agreement between partners. Everything is a negotiation in relationships. I know a lot of people view the OPP as misogynistic but I think it goes way deeper than that. Its a major deal to be able to get a partner to agree to an open relationship, if there are stipulations attached to it, is that not better than closing the relationship back up, or risking drama and heartbreak by demanding everything? I'm of the mind that since you are bisexual, why not take advantage of your superpower and enjoy the freedom you have been given while keeping things agreeable and safer feeling for your partner? Yes in some ways it is treating him as fragile but don't we all want to protect our loved ones and relationships from hurt and drama?
 
Greetings polylady,

You seem to be looking for a way to make your partner change his mind (about the OPP and men in general), yet by your own description he is stubbornly determined to stick to his position and be hurt and offended (to punish you?) for even bringing it up. I'm afraid it's going to be hard for anyone to think of a solution to your dilemma. I can't think of one.

I guess you have four choices:

  • Break up with your partner,
  • Magically make him change his mind,
  • Have penetrative sex with another man (or a trans woman) and let the chips fall where they may,
  • Obey your partner.
I suppose one thing you could try is meeting with a poly-friendly counselor. Go as a couple if he'll do it; if not, just go yourself and get some professional counseling about this. Maybe the counselor will know of some way to make him change his mind.

It's no secret on these boards that OPP's are a generally bad idea, but it's your partner, not Polyamory.com, who you need to convince. I guess you could show him this thread (and other threads -- do searches and tag searches for OPP and "one penis policy") to prove to him that general poly wisdom frowns on the idea of an OPP. Do you think if you "won the argument" with him, that would make him change his mind? cause sometimes when people see the proof, they just come up with an excuse to dig their heels in even deeper.

It would be good for him to overcome this jealousy/low self-esteem, but he can't do it if he isn't willing to try. :(
 
I am a supporter of the OPP when it is used as a mutual agreement between partners. Everything is a negotiation in relationships. I know a lot of people view the OPP as misogynistic but I think it goes way deeper than that. Its a major deal to be able to get a partner to agree to an open relationship, if there are stipulations attached to it, is that not better than closing the relationship back up, or risking drama and heartbreak by demanding everything? I'm of the mind that since you are bisexual, why not take advantage of your superpower and enjoy the freedom you have been given while keeping things agreeable and safer feeling for your partner? Yes in some ways it is treating him as fragile but don't we all want to protect our loved ones and relationships from hurt and drama?

I'm a major supporter of a one vagina policy. (Said with tongue firmly in cheek.)
 
I'm a major supporter of a one vagina policy. (Said with tongue firmly in cheek.)

Ditto.... When her boyfriend starts having sex with men then he can ask for a OPP.

But he heterosexual and isn't attracted to men you say... Well *gasp* she is bisexual and is attracted to both genders.
 
My ex had a 1 penis policy. Didn't work for me so when I got with Nate I made certain that he was okay with me having both male and female partners. I kind of feel like if I can't be with someone of the opposite gender then its really not fair for the other to get that that
 
I am a supporter of the OPP when it is used as a mutual agreement between partners. Everything is a negotiation in relationships. I know a lot of people view the OPP as misogynistic but I think it goes way deeper than that. Its a major deal to be able to get a partner to agree to an open relationship, if there are stipulations attached to it, is that not better than closing the relationship back up, or risking drama and heartbreak by demanding everything? I'm of the mind that since you are bisexual, why not take advantage of your superpower and enjoy the freedom you have been given while keeping things agreeable and safer feeling for your partner? Yes in some ways it is treating him as fragile but don't we all want to protect our loved ones and relationships from hurt and drama?

Just because she's bisexual doesn't mean ahe will find female partners. I never did as a married poly woman. Pretty much the OPP my ex had guaranteed I wouldn't have other partners
 
He is limiting you to avoid addressing all the reasons for why another man in your life threatens him.
He imagines another guy will diminish his sexual hold on you. And as long as you do comply with his rule, it reinforces another likely subconscious worry in him - that a guy will assert his will on you and affect decisions you make. He has no reason to think that unlikely. After all you're currently tolerating your primary's control of you.
This also shows he has a very typical misconception of intimate relationships between women. He doesn't see them as real or deep. He can't conceive of a woman being capable of influencing decisions in you the way a man can.
He can't overcome these things with a partner who exhibits all he fears by being controlled.
 
You will see all kinds of reasons for why the opp is considered wrong. But I will still holding on to the fact that's the major reason why I understand it is because I think a lot of guy are grossed out by the thought of semen and penises other than their own being near the woman they love. I really think it comes down to something as simple as cooties. It does for me at least. Probably some homophobia in there as well.
 
Your penises and semen are icky concept is also rooted in misogyny. If they are so icky, and a woman being in contact with a penis and semen makes her icky to you, then you having sex with any woman is an act of aggression. You sully them, ruin if you will, for any other lover as though she were a product for one use only. Any takers there after are now "gay?" because you intrinsically altered a woman by touching her with your penis?!?
Think on it buddy. You just made your penis out to be some agent of biological warfare.
 
Well, Viccenzo, while I agree with you, at least graviton admits to being a homophobe and afraid of "cooties" like a 7 year old.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
 
As a policy, I dislike anything like that, OPP, OVP, monogamy, etc. You only want one lover? Fine. You're a woman who only wants one guy? Okay. It's when that is forced on you AS A RULE that I take issue. I have a defacto OPP. It takes a lot for me to get interested in a guy and wouldn't fit into the life that my partner and I are building together. But I'd be pissed if he TOLD me I couldn't ever have another guy (and, occasionally, I've had male playmates, or MFF threesomes not involving him). It's also POSSIBLE I could eventually have another male partner.
 
Indeed. It's a frustration of mine because I don't deal with partners who hold these beliefs. It tends to lull me into believing its an old, soon completely discarded misconception.

Then a rock somewhere lifts and out it comes rearing its "icky" semen soaked head.....:eek:
 
Sounds like a condom for the person grossed out by semen is a great compromise.

But graviton said it's not just the semen, it's also the penises themselves being anywhere near his partner. Men are so afraid of being thought of as gay (still! in this day and age) that the mere idea of another man's penis being in their sphere is triggering.

To be fair, it seems quite a few lesbians won't date bi chicks because of a similar penis aversion. They don't want to come near a pussy that has had a penis near or in it lately, or ever. That penis taints the pussy apparently. Oh the magical powerful phallus!
 
^I'm sorry but reading the last paragraph cracked me up.
I don't get the policy and never will because I think every reason displayed so far makes no sense to me. Other than "not in my backyard" but that attributes the partner to being some sort of property...
All fine and good if it's a woman, but gosh damn if it's another man it's all of a sudden a travesty.

Reminds me of the gamer discussion of why a lot of guys play as female characters :rolleyes:.

I would like to read a few bi guy perspectives though, just to see if anything differs.
 
Hetero here, so can't help with that. I do live in a two-penis household and it hasn't icked me out yet.
 
I have a defacto 2 penis policy because both of the guys feel overwhelmed by the idea of me having another man. There isn't an ACTUAL agreement in place, but I'm not rushing out to find another man either. Sometimes I wish I had one that was comfortable enough with one of the current guys (and vice versa) for us to do threesomes, but really, that is HIGHLY unlikely to ever happen and it's more of a random fantasy for masturbation then anything else.

As a bisexual woman I actually prefer to consider lesbian women as possible partners; because too frequently the bi women want to be partners with me and one of the guys. The guys and I are SO different in our tastes in women it's just unreal. Whereas lesbians are not interested in the guys, so if I express an interest, they respond with positive or negative vibes without their interest in the guys coming into play.

That said-we don't have a one pussy policy. The guys are free to date other women. I would just prefer not to be pressured into dating the same woman.
 
Your penises and semen are icky concept is also rooted in misogyny. If they are so icky, and a woman being in contact with a penis and semen makes her icky to you, then you having sex with any woman is an act of aggression. You sully them, ruin if you will, for any other lover as though she were a product for one use only.
It's only misogynistic if one actually does that, though, instead of what I'd see as the much more reasonable and less cognitively dissonant choice: staying celibate for life.

I, too, find penises and sexual acts involving them revolting and am deeply disturbed by the thought of one coming into contact with someone I love; however, I would never agree to any sexual act involving that thing between my own legs, either.

So, yeah... for my own life, I obviously pretty much consider straight gals right out on the field of partner-compatibility. I just don't see that working, we'd be fundamentally orientationally incompatible. To gel with me on a partner level, a gal will have to either be asexual, or pretty damn far towards the Lesbian end of the Kinsey scale. (And being fully, consciously aware of this extreme limitation on my "dating pool" rates as a good thing, IMO. :))


With R., I have to admit that I did think about asking for a "zero penis policy" (she's not 100% Lesbian, she just strongly prefers women over guys). In the end, I came to the conclusion that choosing against such a policy is the ethical way to go - it's her free choice to do what she wants, and I have no right to impede that freedom. It will be my responsibility to end the relationship if her choice were to cause me more stress and discomfort than I could handle - and if so, then without blaming her for it - but it'd be completely out of line if I took away that choice of hers beforehand. She knows I couldn't be cool with it, but it remains her free choice (and we both are aware that if it happens, my disgust is unintentional collateral damage).
 
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