We're THIS close to giving up on poly altogether.

We've been working on healing from Adrian's violent departure in March, Violet, Lana, and I - and it's been difficult. Lana basically shut down completely. Would spend days on end in her room, wouldn't talk to us, no matter what we asked it was always "I'm fine, nothing's wrong" - no matter how much we tried.

In September we found out Violet was pregnant. In October she miscarried.

Lana withdrew further, and we found out after basically browbeating her into talking to us that she had also had a miscarriage at about the same time.

This put a lot into perspective! She hadn't even told us she thought she might be preggers! Long talks ensued. The first in MONTHS.

And then she... Left. She would take her car and disappear for days. We knew there was another guy she liked - I encouraged her to branch out, find herself.

Longer story short - we caught her lying to us, witholding information, and - in an open, poly relationship - CHEATING!

All we asked was that we be kept in the loop and not lied too. Frankly that's the ONLY requirement ANY of us have with the others; we had spoken with her specifically about this other guy and her intentions with him. She lied, she slept with him and lied some more, she kept things from us and lied some more. And now she's spreading crap to people we know, claiming we never loved her, we abused her (WHAT?!) and that she never lied to us about anything - we only claim that because I'm jealous of the other guy (the one I talked her into dating..?), and is interfering with our social circles and even Violets work!

Violet and I are tight as ever, but the strain of Lana - the kindest, sweetest girl we've ever known - pulling this crap after everything we went through as a triad with Adrianne, after the disaster with Anne...

We're pulling the plug. There are 2 people we both would love to explore things with but neither of us has any faith left after this. We've been with Lana about a year and a half, known her for 3-4 years, and we don't know who this person is all of the sudden. Not setting myself or ourselves up for any more of this.
 
I'm sorry, HMA, that things have been so hard and that partners have not lived up to their word. I certainly get why you are pulling back from poly.
 
I'm sorry this was such a terrible experience for you, but this doesn't mean you should give up on poly relationships if you really enjoy them. It wasn't polyamory's fault that this woman lied. A red flag is a quiet person who can't open up. If you find someone in your life whom you have to "brow beat" to talk, acknowledge that warning.

As hard as it may be, this is a perfect opportunity to better yourself. What signs did you miss that would have helped you see this person had some real emotional dysfunctions before getting with her? How are you dealing with the pain? Are you allowing yourself to feel the pain and to work through it? Do you feel guilty in any way? Why?

From the sounds of it, you aren't the one at fault, and I certainly hope any guilt you may feel goes away quickly. Don't let her very obvious problems with herself interfere with your choices to love in whatever manner you feel is right for you. Take some time, treat yourself with love and kindness, cry on someone's shoulder a bit, and remember who you are.
 
We're pulling the plug. There are 2 people we both would love to explore things with but neither of us has any faith left after this. We've been with Lana about a year and a half, known her for 3-4 years, and we don't know who this person is all of the sudden. Not setting myself or ourselves up for any more of this.

Maybe the harem type of arrangement doesn't really work for you. It seems like a situation just ripe for imploding, especially that they've pretty much all been younger than yourself. If we go back and read over your threads, it seems it has always been so full of drama. If I were you, I'd consider just developing relationships with women to whom you are attracted, but not be so focused on having them all live together and involved with each other. And branch out, pursue different types of women, with diverse professions and interests.
 
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NYC - please don't use the 'harem' reference; after what happened in one of our old threads it's flat out offensive. I'm still more than slightly pissed about how the admins handled all that as well; especially deleting other member's inflammatory posts & leaving my (sometimes our) replies.

With Anne, things went the way they did, those here who read about it from mine & violet's side have their own opinions. Whatever it was, she lied & we ended it.

With Adrianne - the drama was unreal, especially since she & Lana fought like 10 year olds (Literally. It was pathetic.). The insane drama that that whole situation brought about spilled over a bit here, so nobody is ever going to really understand how and why things went the way they did. In the end, it was again lying that finally ended it.

But Lana has always been a different case. No "moving too fast" questions. No personality conflicts (once Adrianne was gone, lol). No cowgirl issues. She lived with us as a room mate for ~18 months during which time we all became very close friends. During that time she was in no way sexual or romantic with either of us. When she decided to "opt in" to the relationship, it almost an easy and natural progression - she told us she had been thinking about it for a long time (a whole year actually) and it made sense to her on every level. We had grown to really love her and were certainly not averse to the idea!

The Adrianne debacle was hard on all of us. "Harem" crap aside - Violet & Lana liked her, saw the connection she had with me, and were all for it. None of us were looking to add another girl, including me. It just happened, and everyone was on board. When the fighting between the girls started and I got put in the middle of every petty fight (and some of them were too petty even for the aforementioned 10 year olds) it put incredible strain on all of us. I made the decision to end it with Adrianne to save our triad despite the unfairness to Adrianne and myself (without going into all the detail again, both Violet and Lana openly admit after the fact to this now as well as to some disgustingly underhanded crap that I always suspected and they always denied). It was a horridly painful experience for all of us and I have struggled with the resentment it fostered toward the two women I was still with. But push come to shove, in the end Adrianne did some things that made the breakup flat necessary anyway, regardless of her feeling justified.

I left a LOT out of the OP. No need for tons of detail. What matters is that after everything we've been through together and everything Violet & I have done & tried to do for her, Lana flat out betrayed us both, especially - and intentionally and awfully - me. We don't even know this girl anymore. We always knew she'd spread her wings some day, that she would change and grow as a person.

But literally just a couple of weeks spending time with old friends was all it took after YEARS with us. A few weeks and her speech patterns changed. Her work ethic changed. Her social habits changed. She started ditching work to get drunk with these people. Suddenly she was calling everyone "bro" and "dawg" (you cannot possibly understand just how out of character that is for her if you don't know her), and I mean everyone. She would pass on social events and holidays with our mutual friends and with us to hang with these people. She started gambling for the first time in her life. Her bills - including those she's responsible for in our house - started falling behind.

All of our mutual friends started wondering aloud to us and to her what was going on. She would get terribly offended every time anyone mentioned that she had changed since hanging out with these people, insisting that she wasn't that shallow and was her own person. She started pulling away even more.

And through all of this, we have tried nothing but to be supportive. To ask what was up, how she was feeling, what she needed from us. She literally shut us out.

And now the story is that we neglected her, ignored her feelings, left her alone for days (WE apparently left HER alone for days, in HER room, behind the door SHE kept locked) when she needed us. We wouldn't even have sex with her (let it suffice to say we haven't been sexual with her since September and it was NOT either of our ideas and in fact was something we approached her about numerous times). She felt unloved, unwanted, unneeded, left out, cast out. This is what she's telling people.

And then the thing with the other guy. She DID bring it up with us. ONCE. We discussed it. Agreements were made on both sides - HER idea. Weeks later after no updates, I asked about it. We talked for almost an hour. Agreements were reaffirmed. Reassurances given. Again - all brought up by her. She absolutely still wanted to be with us. She still loved us and considered herself our girlfriend. She did not want to leave us or move out. She was more committed to us than anything in the world and she was sorry she'd been gone so much, she would make sure to be around more, and not locked in her room.

Less than 2 weeks later - during which time we literally laid eyes on her once, talking on her phone as she ran in, grabbed some things from her room, and left - we find out what she's been telling her friends about us (see above), that she's been fucking this guy and lying about it. When confronted, she flat lost her shit. Accusations flew that we'd never heard before - that made no sense. I kicked her out of the house. She immediately started telling everyone we knew all kinds of lies and crap.

We are done with people who can't be honest and communicate. Violet and I will do our thing and go from here.

I believe in poly - academically. Poly is real and good, but people can't really do it no matter what they say. Social conditioning or whatever - everyone we know that is in poly has had horrible experience after horrible experience when all is said and done. We'll still play with others sexually I'm sure - we're both wired that way for sure, and THOSE relationships have never burned us. But this devotion to multiple partners does not work.

People hide things, even from themselves, build resentment, feel bad, etc. And when they know it's all about communication and think they're feelings aren't valid - they bury them and it gets worse. We've seen it 3 times now 1st hand and dozens of times with others we know.

It makes for good books, and bad relationships.
 
In your experience and from your own observations, poly may not work for you, but please do not make any overarching statements that poly doesn't work in practice.
 
I apologize for using the word "harem." I didn't mean it in a derogatory way, I should have said "communal" or something like that. I don't recall the old thread, but I just have a memory of you posting about lots of fights and drama between the women you lived with. I didn't realize "harem" was a hot-button word for you. My bad.

I am sorry to hear everything crashed and burned, but with the right people who are mature, honest, and dedicated to making poly work, it does. From what I've read here, it seems that when there are more than three people involved, the key is not moving in together too soon.
 
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I am sorry as well that you are hurting this much and that things turned out this badly. But I have to second BrigidsDaughter to not write poly off in practice generally.

I think that there is some valid truth in NYCindie's words, concerning the number of people moving together. I am in a three person arrangement. From my point of view this was possible because my husband and I knew each other for so long, that we could be still comfortable in our relationship with each other, not stumbling over little personal insecurities and such, because we just know each other, to try and make this work with a new person in our life. The time all three of us have known each other on a friendly basis helped as well. But even so, imagining to add yet another person into this mix seems like a really difficult process to me. It would be way to early, because another person would mean another point of view, different needs, different problems and the like, and it is difficult enough to handle things on the stable basis we have got now, because things are just so new and will stay like this for years to come.

If I were to make an educated guess, it will take us at least another 5 to 10 years till we could think about doing this again. This may be different in an arrangement where you don't entangle the lifes of the persons involved this much, but I would think of it as too early to add another totally involved person into such a live-in situation as ours.

These are just my observations, maybe I will see this as inappropriate when time will prove different to me. I hope you will heal and find new security in your remaining relationship.
 
"Poly is real and good, but people can't really do it no matter what they say."

Wow dude, seriously? I guess I'll just discount the last 2+ years of my life and the ongoing awesome, honest relationships I'm involved in then, musta been an illusion.

Or maybe healthy poly just isn't possible when you handle things like this (from your old merged blog):

"Different things work for different people in different situations. Some people move fast, some move slow; some operate in the moment, some are more methodical. Most of us here move fast and work in the moment; always have, always will. There are upsides and downsides to each and every unique way to work. I readily ackowledge the fact that a speed bump hit at 5 mph is a very different experience than that same bump struck at 50 or 75 - but some people just can't drive 55, ya know? So you build a vehicle designed to handle large bumps at high speed, and fix whatever breaks. In my experience, those that drive slow to prevent damage also tend to take forever to repair things, lol. I drive fast, and fix shit fast when it breaks so as to get back on the road. :shrug:"

Almost everyone who's been doing poly a while and gives advice cautions those involved to go slow. If you're not willing/able to do so, is it any shock it goes poorly?

And what about this facet of your history (also from your old blog):
"Previous to this, I'd been a "serial monogamist" who couldn't figure out why his relationships always went bad, and why when I fell in love so completely and so hard I never felt fulfilled."

So, if mono doesn't work and poly doesn't work, that leaves... ???

No one deserves to be lied to, and it sucks about what happened with your OSOs. But aside from any issues with moving too fast, I'd be willing to bet it was them who were the problem and not poly, and that if you'd dated them each separately, serially, you would have still gotten drama and lies from them, just manifesting in different ways.

Why the heck would you come here just to tell us that our lives are impossible? What purpose does that serve? Try telling it to these people, for a start: http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-217-14040-bigger-love.html?current_page=1
 
NYC - in a thread that got a little heated later on, a "well respected" member here essentially accused me of being a womanizer living out a harem fantasy. The admins decided to delete that and many other VERY insulting and inflammatory comments directed at me when I came here looking for support.

For some of teh newer members to this site; don't believe for one second that this is a truly open discussion board; disagree with the wrong person in the wrong way and you're gone. Amazingly, I wasn't banned when my temper flared - but any and all trace of what some others said to me was erased.

I am still "poly". I fall truly and deeply in love with more than one person at a time. But no - it doesn't work in reality, not in this society. I'd love to see that change - I really would. I'd also love to see fewer than 50% of mono relationships end in divorce.

Fact is, we're all quite fond of throwing THAT figure around to defend the poly lifestyle - but let's be honest - even on this forum, what's the failure percentage of poly relationships? A quick tally of who I know IRL an what I've read here over the years says way more than 50%.

So let's be real: Poly is something we'd like to see recognized and respected. But it ain't any better than anything else.
 
Sorry to hear thing imploded. It almost sounds like Lana needs to be evaluated for possible depression and/or other mental or substance issuses (just my personal opinion). Unfortunately, I've seen this before, some people don't handle things well when they want out of a relationship. Instead of just breaking up with their partner, they feel the need to make themselves appear a victim and things tend to go viral, leaving those they claimed to have loved asking WTF.

There's nothing wrong with taking some time to step back and just concentrate on you and Violet for a while. Lets face it you guys have had some really hard blows this last year. Having identified as poly in the past it's very likely you may find your self facing it again in the future, just try not to move them in:p.
 
NYC - in a thread that got a little heated later on, a "well respected" member here essentially accused me of being a womanizer living out a harem fantasy. The admins decided to delete that and many other VERY insulting and inflammatory comments directed at me when I came here looking for support.

For some of teh newer members to this site; don't believe for one second that this is a truly open discussion board; disagree with the wrong person in the wrong way and you're gone. Amazingly, I wasn't banned when my temper flared - but any and all trace of what some others said to me was erased.

I am still "poly". I fall truly and deeply in love with more than one person at a time. But no - it doesn't work in reality, not in this society. I'd love to see that change - I really would. I'd also love to see fewer than 50% of mono relationships end in divorce.

Fact is, we're all quite fond of throwing THAT figure around to defend the poly lifestyle - but let's be honest - even on this forum, what's the failure percentage of poly relationships? A quick tally of who I know IRL an what I've read here over the years says way more than 50%.

So let's be real: Poly is something we'd like to see recognized and respected. But it ain't any better than anything else.

You're criticising the system because a couple of people couldn't handle it. The lesson? Some people are pretty shit. Get used to it.

Whether it's a harem fantasy or not is irrelevent, the fact is you moved things along too fast, and got bitten. When the two (Adrianne and Lana?) were going at each other like children, that's a case of a leopard showing its spots.

The fact is, you talk about driving fast and repairing quickly, but building live-in relationship systems isn't the DRIVING of the car, it's the BUILDING of the car. You have to make sure all the pieces fit together so that they move in harmony, otherwise you won't be able to drive it at all. Fall in love quickly, fine, get into relationships quickly, fine but if you want to have a drama-free life, then you can't just throw people into a house and expect everything to go fine. It takes time to REALLY know what someone's like, and you took to making decisions within the throes of NRE, and then backwards rationalised it as you making fast decisions because that's just who you are.

Also not totally related, but if the posts insulting you got removed then that was most likely because they WERE directly insulting you. That's how a moderation system works, posts that are against the rules get removed if they're flagged for moderation.

Anyway, I'd like to point out that almost ALL of my relationships have ended, meaning I have, in your mind, a 100% failure rate (or close to it). However, not everyone measures relationship success by the time it lasts, but by the effect it has on us. It's not about it being better than anything else, it's about making the things we want THE BEST THAT THEY CAN BE. If I'm poly, then I want to know how to make poly relationships the BEST RELATIONSHIPS THEY CAN BE, whether they last for a week or the rest of my life. In fact, YOU are the one trying to make this into a mono vs poly thing, when the fact is that YOU didn't take the necessary care to ensure your relationships were steady and secure. Good screening is PARAMOUNT to the success of ANY relationship, mono, poly or otherwise, and that is where your problems started. But instead of learning your lesson, you come on here and try to spout your nonsense about how poly doesn't work. Two girls in your life couldn't deal with poly (but if you were looking you would've seen all the signs that they were clearly demonstrating) and now suddenly it's an absolute "noone can deal with poly." Get off your high horse.

You can't blame yourself for what happened, and you can't blame polyamory for what happened. All you need to do is be MORE careful when opening your heart to someone else, if you choose to do so again. But coming online to attack polyamory on a polyamory forum is not going to win you any support.
 
So let's be real: Poly is something we'd like to see recognized and respected. But it ain't any better than anything else.

Well, of course not. It would be silly to assert that poly is better than anything else, straight across the board for everyone. That's like expecting everyone to fit into the same size clothing. It works for those who want it to work and make the efforts to make it work, and for whom it feels right. And for many, many people, monogamy is the ideal and perfectly satisfying choice, for all the same reasons - it feels right, and the people involved work to make it work. Nobody gets it all for free.

If I recall correctly, all or most of your girlfriends have been strippers generally much younger than yourself. Perhaps limiting yourself to being involved only with young women within a certain social/professional circle is where you made your mistakes. Maybe there was competition there, immaturity, or a negative influence seeping in from their work environments which, let's admit, are not the healthiest, no matter how balanced someone is. That is why I suggested that, if you do want to have poly relationships in the future, date different types of women, maybe even your age or older, and in different professions, with various life experiences, and don't have them all living with you. Poly can work.

In the meantime, I hope you recover from the emotional impact this has had on you.

And to agree with Zylla, I also don't see a relationship ending as a failure, never have, whether poly or mono. Relationships are all learning experiences.
 
I would say from my readings on this board that:

1) explosive and painful endings to troubled poly relationships (I would term this a "failure") are common (but not inevitable, could instead end up with option 2) for people that are new to poly,
2) fulfilling relationships that eventually end amicably (I would NOT call this a failure by any means) are common (but not inevitable, could instead end up with option 1) for people experienced in poly, and
3) relationships that last in the "long-term" (let's say more than three years) are rare (more common for experienced people, not impossible for new people) but certainly do happen.

In my partners' lives (G&E) I've seen this pattern of moving from failure to success -- their first poly relationship, an open triad, ended terribly. They made a lot of common mistakes, like moving their new partner in too fast and crossing boundaries. They then withdrew from poly, strengthened their marriage, and reached back out with a new wisdom and new approach, which has now led to what I have personally found to be a very healthy, honest, and functional poly vee that I wouldn't choose to edit out of my life for the world, even if it does eventually end.

Saying that poly doesn't work because it didn't work for you or your friends is a cop-out. If you know a lot of polyfolk and they've all had disastrous relationships I'd wonder if they're a very mature and healthy social circle to begin with.

After their failed triad, Eric (see sig line) said more than once "poly doesn't work". He doesn't say that anymore. He just didn't understand himself and other people well enough to make it work before. Much easier to blame the whole concept than to look within for the reasons things failed, but self-examination is the only road to progress.
 
my experience

I guess we are the not normal then. We met this couple back in 2006, through AFF (swinging) at the time. we hooked up with them 1 night and then it was quite a number of months before we hooked up again. Then things started to progress.

A little over 4 years ago 1 half of the fourple fell in love with the other my wife and her BF, And not too long after i fell in love with my gf (my wifes, bf's wife) lol. We celebrate on anniversary this coming summer as 4 years in a true Poly relationship.

And there have been ups and downs but ....

Now there is talk about the 4 of us moving in together. but that will probably be another year of talking...

Did i start this looking for Poly, no. Am I happy we found this? Absolutely.
 
To qualify my statements here my wife and I are only beginning to explore the possibilities of a poly relationship. I (John) am the one commenting here but may draw some on our shared experiences, while our experience here is short we have many years of real life experience!

I'm now for married the third time and incredibly happily for the first time I should add, finally having grown enough to appreciate it. I've also been involved in several long term interpersonal relationships prior to now. Frankly no matter how hard I try I can't find a single relationship that I didn't contribute to the ending of!!! I alone am to blame for the poor choices/contributions I made on my behalf, I own my part in negative behavior that contributed to the end of those relationships. In reality it takes two...three, four or more in this case to tango!

I have yet to read anything but railing against poly relationships, not any potential mistakes made by the OP, I find one sided rantings immediately suspect but the bitterness, hurt and anger are obvious to everyone reading this thread. ANY form of interpersonal relationship is open to failure, it's the people and not the form that bear the responsibility for the failure and EVERYONE contributes in one fashion or another to that failure whether they can see/accept it or not.

It's best to begin an introspective search, a self inventory if you will before flinging blame to the wind, it seems the egg always blows back in our face if we don't! JMHO

I hope your pain is short lived and that you all find eventual happiness once the hurt passes! John
 
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Zylyla - Get over it? Of course. That's what we all have to do eventually, with every petty thing that happens every day. If that's how you want to be about it, than every response to every thread on these boards that's about someone's problems should be "get over it". It's the only REAL advice there is, because it's the only universally applicable behavioral necessity.

"Whether it's a harem fantasy or not" IS irrelevant, but for the reasons you state; it's irrelevant because A. - that's not the situation, and B. - because that possibility and whole issue only arose as an insult on these boards.

NYC - this is not the first time you've made some really brash assumptions about the women in my life based on their age and profession. It was presumptuous and rude then, and it is now.

Firstly - no, not all of them were dancers. For that matter, not all of them have been all that much younger than I am, in fact some have been older. You ASSume a lot, and frequently, starting with the ASSumption that what little you read here is everything you need to know to make your pronouncements. I lurk a LOT here. I am certainly not the only one you do this to.

Secondly, regarding those that ARE in that line of work, you know NOTHING about their job, what it entails, or how they handle it. Every aspect of that particular line of work varies TREMENDOUSLY from club to club within a city, even more from city to city within a given region, and even more dramatically from region to region. This is based on type of club, the way the owner/managers run said club, the other girls in a given club, the local laws, the county laws, and state laws. Even if YOU have worked as a stripper - which you have VERY obviously not - than you STILL would have no idea what the FUCK you were talking about unless you'd been a dancer in the same club and under the same management as they have. Throw in how things in the industry have changed over the years, and frankly someone who danced in the same club under the same managers 10 years ago has absolutely no idea what it's like now. In other words - get off your high horse about age and profession already.

*Unless you're completely correct, in which case I submit all females of your age and in your line of work are superior, judgmental people who make pronouncements based upon incomplete information and inaccurate assumptions.*

swimmin' - this thread and my commentary in it are not indicative or representative of everything that has gone on in fact or internally. It is a thread created to vent about one thing specifically and point out some others.

poly4 - congrats. I truly hope that it lasts and lasts and all goes well. I wouldn't go blending 401k's though. Just sayin'.
 
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NYC - this is not the first time you've made some really brash assumptions about the women in my life based on their age and profession. It was presumptuous and rude then, and it is now... Firstly - no, not all of them were dancers. For that matter, not all of them have been all that much younger than I am, in fact some have been older.
Oy veh. Misunderstood again. I did say "all or most." And I said "if I recall correctly..." and "maybe if..." which are not concrete statements. I was going by memory. So I just tried to see where that idea came from:
...(I'm 13 years older then Violet and Lana, 10 years older than Adrian) and the fact that they're all insanely hot and their profession. They're all 3 strippers...
Violet has been stripping on and off since I met her ... Lana has also 'danced' on and off for a couple of years. My last ex was also on and off with it for 7 years and counting. I have several good friends and couple of other exes in a couple of states who either have in the past or still do... I love strippers, always have.
Sorry I misremembered. ???
You ASSume a lot, and frequently, starting with the ASSumption that what little you read here is everything you need to know to make your pronouncements.
Okay, so you're calling me an ass. Big whoop. I'm mature enough to not have any attachment to the opinions of an anonymous stranger on a message board, even though that wasn't nice. So I was wrong, okay.

Secondly, regarding those that ARE in that line of work, you know NOTHING about their job, what it entails, or how they handle it.
Well, you are wrong about that. I don't share everything about myself here, either.
In other words - get off your high horse about age and profession already.
I think you are so sensitive about the shit other people have given you about dating strippers that you are misreading my comments altogether. It's not about being on a high horse and looking down at strippers (I don't). If you primarily dated librarians, I'd have said "branch out," too.

None of this debate is really the point, anyway. You focused on that part of my posts instead of the part about moving lovers in too soon, which others here have reiterated as well. Most respondents have been trying to say that it isn't poly itself that doesn't work, but how you go about it and the people you choose to involve yourself with. Some see themselves as "wired" for it, and some do not. Some can make it work and some can't. But it is not polyamory per se that is the problem.

Maybe casual sex or swinging works better for you, and poly does not, and that's fine - but poly does work very well for many people out there. Again, I am sorry you've had so much drama and heartbreak since the last time we heard from you.
 
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Not really wanting to get into a pissing contest over who said what, and ready to admit I haven't read all of your blog through, this comment by Violet stood up for me:

"And frankly, I'm a god damn stripper. Manipulation and lying is in my job description." (Sorry, I don't know how to quote from another thread)

Be as it may, I think your experiences of poly have been coloured by the fact that the women you have been involved with have either very quickly moved in together with you, or have been living together with you at the point where you started your involvement. That is not how most polyfolk do relationships.

Also, if I understood correctly, all the three of your involvements besides Violet have at least started out with the assumption that they would be triads, a notoriously difficult relationship formation.

Also, did you have a D/s dynamic with Lana? I think having a live-in triad with D/s dynamics would land pretty high on my list of "Impossible poly stunts to pull", and I'm impressed it lasted as long as it did.
 
Sounds like it's a good time for you and Violet just to focus on the two of you for a while. Maybe there is poly in your future and maybe there isn't. I hear that you're really upset with the whole poly thing at the moment but it might not be time to write it off all together. You've said that you know that you're capable of loving more than one person intensely at a time. I wager that all of the relationships you've had up until now have been to prepare you for what life if going to throw your way next.
 
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