Dating Married people

redpepper

Active member
Does anyone have any advice on dating married people?

I am seeing a woman right now who's husband has also started seeing someone almost at the same time. We have all known each other for over a year and were all friends before this. The husband met and started seeing someone immediately. It went very fast and they spend a great deal of time together I am lead to believe. While me and his wife hardly spend any due to circumstances that are beyond her control and that I have a busy life.

I am trying to organize my time differently so that I can see her and even talk to her on the phone or chat on line, but it is very difficult. We don't have similar schedules and both have kids and houses to take care of and I have a husband too, a boyfriend and other commitments to people romantically and otherwise.

My frustration lies in that I want to be there for her, but I am unable to be. Not only that I am not sure if I should be. I know she needs someone to talk to about everything that is going on with her husband, but as we are all friends I'm not sure that should be my roll. I have listened and given her my thoughts, but come away feeling as if it might not of been a good idea.

I find myself unable to decide what, if any, my roll should be and frustrated right along with her that he is able to see his new girlfriend whenever he wants pretty much. All this while we struggle for the shortest of texts during work hours or otherwise.

Any thoughts? experiences? questions?
 
Wait, is RedPepper posting on the "New to Polyamory" board? hmmm... I wouldn't have considered you a newbie. :)

Also, I'm a little confused that you're asking for advice on dating a married woman... when you're a married woman... you know first hand what things generally work and don't work in that situation, right?
 
Wait, is RedPepper posting on the "New to Polyamory" board? hmmm... I wouldn't have considered you a newbie. :)

Also, I'm a little confused that you're asking for advice on dating a married woman... when you're a married woman... you know first hand what things generally work and don't work in that situation, right?

Well I'm new to this and don't want to presume I know anything about it if I haven't experienced it before. Everyone I have dated has had no kids and is unattached thus far in terms of a primary relationship in the form of a marriage.

I am married yes. I hadn't thought of it that way, strangely enough lisbeth. I will think on what I would want more I guess. Could be helpful, thank you.

I should probably not assume what I want is what she would want. I will have to talk about it more. If we ever get a chance!
 
I prefer to date married men. I am married myself, and I only want secondary relationships where we see each other now and then. By sticking to men in solid, healthy poly marriages, I can try to avoid starting a relationship with a guy who needs more than I can give him.

A married couple will, or should, always have less time for outside relationships than for their own. They are the priority. It sounds like those two may not have a very well established agreement as to how many dates per week are okay, or so forth, which may be a yellow flag.

As someone from the outside dating one of them, you have to accept the fact that their family life comes first, and that you and her enrich one another's life - but she cannot complete yours or give you everything you need. It sucks not to be able to spend as much time with someone we love as we'd like to, but we have to accept what our poly partners are able and willing to provide. If that's not enough, then you could seek out other people to date to satisfy your romantic/social needs.
 
I prefer to date married men. I am married myself, and I only want secondary relationships where we see each other now and then. By sticking to men in solid, healthy poly marriages, I can try to avoid starting a relationship with a guy who needs more than I can give him.

A married couple will, or should, always have less time for outside relationships than for their own. They are the priority. It sounds like those two may not have a very well established agreement as to how many dates per week are okay, or so forth, which may be a yellow flag.

As someone from the outside dating one of them, you have to accept the fact that their family life comes first, and that you and her enrich one another's life - but she cannot complete yours or give you everything you need. It sucks not to be able to spend as much time with someone we love as we'd like to, but we have to accept what our poly partners are able and willing to provide. If that's not enough, then you could seek out other people to date to satisfy your romantic/social needs.

Ok, being the woman in question here I want to assure you that my marriage has well established agreements. My husband happens to be away for work quite freqently. Right now he is away and has met someone there who will be eventually be moving to the same city we live in. So they are able to develop their relationship pretty much free of restrictions whereas RP and myself are struggling to find time to spend with each other because I have to find sitters ect to get out of the house. I hope that clears up some of your concerns.

-Derby
 
Great to have both parties to the question on the forum!

"As someone from the outside dating one of them, you have to accept the fact that their family life comes first..."

Yes, that's the way it works for me in dating a married woman. But as Derby implies, situations are fluid. Usually there are complicated scheduling and responsibility aspects which mean that parity is not possible -- and for me, this is in a situation where the marrieds are retired and the singleton is without children or extensive family responsibilities.

I can't really imagine the complications of a full suite of two-households-plus-kids...!

So far the assumption I work under is that the central relationship must be nurtured. As the boyfriend it's not my primary responsibility -- that belongs to the husband and wife -- but it is my responsibility to avoid stressing or undermining it in any way. And to contribute to it in what ways I can.

But RedPepper, you already know this stuff already.
 
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Ok, being the woman in question here I want to assure you that my marriage has well established agreements. My husband happens to be away for work quite freqently. Right now he is away and has met someone there who will be eventually be moving to the same city we live in. So they are able to develop their relationship pretty much free of restrictions whereas RP and myself are struggling to find time to spend with each other because I have to find sitters ect to get out of the house. I hope that clears up some of your concerns.

-Derby


Well I have to admit that I am jealous! One of the ladies on my derby league just got a new girlfriend and now you two! But I am happy for you, all 3 (or 4, I don't know the other GF yet). I wish I had a girlfriend. I wish I had time to go find one! I don't even have kids and I still can't seem to fit in a social life. I guess I might have to give up sleeping.

Why don't you just have RP visit you at your house until things are less hectic?
 
That is the plan for Thursday YGirl :D. Plus we're only looking at another 3 weeks till my husband is home and things get more flexible around here for me. Although I have to admit that 3 weeks seems like forever when you're in the middle of it!
 
GOOGLE CALENDAR!!!!! is my sanity!

Heck, I even schedule in me time on there, lol.
 
I really dont have anything for you RP. Accept for a hug of course;)

Ive decided to not date married ladys. That decision may change at some point but for the time being....

Although LR and I are doing well in our relationship Im not at the point that Im even looking for anyone else. Of course I wont turn away fate. If I find someone that is meant to be then I will open the door to them.


Going to go cook some dinner.... Get things ready for Easter. Got some extra kids over for the weekend so want to set up some fun things for them to do.



Peace and Love
Maca
 
Well, dating marrieds...

This week I got word that my car needs repairs that will cost far more than the vehicle is worth and I should really look for a new one, at a time when my savings are down due to expensive dental work. And my microwave died, and my grown son is pestering me for petty cash.

Then my married GF, L, told me that our weekly date night needed to be Friday instead of Saturday. But I had just signed up for a dance class on Fridays which took the center out of the evening. And she had appointments earlier in the day which precluded an afternoon date. She asked if she should pressure her husband, D, to change plans but I said no, don't push -- you guys are the central pillar, and I don't ever want to disturb that. But I was disappointed.

Bummer week.

So out of the blue L calls and says how about seeing her twice this week? D himself suggested she and I have a proper date night on Thursday, and since she still wanted to be out of the house while he had his date, maybe she could come to the dance lesson with me?

Well, YEAH!

So right now on Saturday morning I'm seriously happy: I cooked a nice dinner and we watched a movie on Thursday, then on Friday we ate at a restaurant and danced and had a late evening that ended in a wonderful heart-to-heart pillow talk session.

These people! Their love and generosity overwhelms me. And it confirms my belief in the feedback loop: because the central relationship between L and D makes so much possible for me, it's natural that I want to support it wholeheartedly; and since I strongly support their marriage they seem inclined to be generous in giving me time with L.

Everybody wins.

I suppose that my "wisdom" (ha!) as an starry-eyed n00b dating a married poly would come down to that: Build it such that everybody can win.

Easier said than done, I suppose. God, I'm lucky.
 
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I think Mono would share the same experience eugenepoet, although it hasn't been like that for a few weeks and I am very frustrated. He gives and gives and gives to us and circumstances have made it such that our private time is limited. Working on it.
 
:)

Women are so much more work!

Seriously, though (OK, I was being serious before) RP, Enjoy your abundance of love and be careful not to lose sight of the fact that you are so well-loved that there isn't time enough in a day to drink it all in.

I am especially excited for the two of you because I know you have desired a special woman in your life, and you are all friends. I'm sure its frustrating to feel blocked, though. Hugs to you and Derby, you too. I'm with Y-envious. :)

-R
 
Polynerdist has a great view of time. He says sometimes it works out that it "is our time" where circumstances allow for an abundance with one partner. Next month I will be heading across the country for two weeks for my job. This will create some time for other people in Redpepper's life. This will essentially be "not our time". So instead of focussing on the negative of my absence, there is the positive outlook of focussing on other peoples' availability with abundance:)
 
Had a series of interesting conversations with Dude over the last few months re: being with a married woman.

I believe it started with a conversation of wedding rings. I was surprised to learn that he actually consciously notices whether a woman he is interested in talking to is wearing a ring or not. I seriously NEVER pay attention to this - if I am interested in talking to someone I talk to them. It seriously never occurred to me that there may have been instances where someone may have approached me if I wasn't wearing my wedding band and then decided against it. My gut feeling is that, since I am never "actively looking" for a potential partner marital status is irrelevant - just looking for a good conversation, whereas, when he is operating in "single guy mode" each encounter for him was rated for "potential partnerness".

Recently it occurred to him that he should probably re-evaluate this strategy - since every time he has actually been involved with a married women (with the full knowledge and consent of her husband - although he never heard the word "polyamory" until he met me) it has worked out REALLY well (I am the 3rd married girl he has been with - the first two sound more like FB/FWB situations), while his "single-girl" experiences have universally ended poorly. My take is that happily married women have already learned how to have/maintain a "good" relationship and bring this "skill set" to the table. (Go us! ;))

As an aside - for the first few months of our relationship I held him at a distance - being convinced that this could only be temporary until he found a "real girl" of his own. He has now convinced me that he is in it for the long haul and has no intention of going anywhere in the near future. He is open to the idea of seeing other people but only if they are okay with us continuing our relationship. I did point out that this will severely limit his dating pool - he says he doesn't care. (Now, if he finds other married women open to dating him I think this greatly increases the chances that they would be ok with him continuing to see me - I just don't know how many of us are around in our area :confused:.)

JaneQ

PS. Good thing resurrecting old threads isn't frowned upon here ;)
 
PS. Good thing resurrecting old threads isn't frowned upon here ;)
Better yet, it's encouraged! Much preferred to add to an old thread than ask the same questions over and over in new threads! I like that about this forum. There can be such great info when we look back a little at what others have struggled with before.

As to the topic, the potential for dating married people always makes me a little apprehensive, just because I know there will be rules or boundaries they have that will affect me. So, until I know what they are and whether I can live with them, I tend to hold back in feeling any attraction toward a married guy.
 
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