Re (from
Post #104):
"There is no good reason why my husband should be forbidden from dating this woman. I'm not comfortable with it, no. But even I realize that asking him to stop seeing her is unrealistic. That's why I'm trying other tactics, so that he ends up believing that he made this choice of his own free will."
You realize, of course, that this is the one thing none of us here can help you with. Giving suggestions on how to get rid of her, without being held accountable, would be giving aid in an endeavor that was both unfair and dishonest. This other woman has done nothing wrong to deserve to be driven out, and your aim is to drive her out without admitting you want her out. In polyamory, we strongly advocate honesty (as well as fairness). The only advice we could, in good conscience, give, is to admit to your husband (and possibly to the other woman) that you're finding you just can't cope with the poly situation. Then you would need to figure out, as a cooperative effort with them, what to do about that. The next step might be a poly-friendly counselor.
I realize, of course, that 'fessing up like that is not on your list of "willing to do." Therefore, all I can tell you is that your present course of action seems to be the most effective one I can imagine, for the outcome you are seeking. If anything will drive this other woman away, your repeated demands that your husband see less of her, cloaked as concessions you need even if you don't need them, will probably do the trick. After all, why should the other woman subject herself to all that? I'm somewhat surprised that your husband is going along with all this; how much could he want this other woman if he's willing to participate in driving her away? It's his choice, though, as well as his judgment call.
As I said, I am saddened by the situation, and really stumped (at least for the moment) about how I could really help. I think right now you should just think about whether the victory you seek is really the kind of victory you want, and if it isn't, what some of the other options might be.
I wish you no ill (though I also feel bad for the other two people involved here, especially for your husband's girlfriend). Please give some thought to the course you're on, whether you can look in the mirror when it's all over, and whether you'll really be gaining the husband you want.
That's all I have for now.
With concern,
Kevin T.