Anxiety - Not ready

Sooo, wild orchid and the hunter have invited us over for a BBQ on Sunday. When the invites were happening yesterday I honestly thought it'd be postponed for a bit or wouldn't be so soon (original invite was for Saturday).

Kids are invited too and the hunter's OSO (other significant other) will be there too. It didn't hit me until now that I'll be the "oddball" there. And I don't think I'm ready for this. :confused:

I understand my metamour and her husband would like our families to be super close and they are very wonderful people but all of a sudden my anxiety is up and I realize I'm not ready for in person love share (being okay with watching my partner be all kissy with my metamour). I know some love this but for me personally I am just not there,yet. Maybe I will be and maybe I will never be.

I'm feeling really pressured by outsiders to become this poly-like family (is that it) community. I just don't know how to tell our hosts I'm not ready. Yes that's it, just tell them. I've already told bassman I can't go, just am not there mentally for that. I know it's only a BBQ and playing board games, but really? The Hunter will have his girlfriend there, wild orchid is in so much NRE with bassman that based on past experience my boundary in person request wasn't respected then and I just don't see it being respected now either.

If this was after my busy work season and I hadn't just got over my issues this weekend, maybe I'd be ready but I'm not.

Is it wrong to not want to get close to everyone, at this time? Is this moving super fast or is it normal speed? I'm a pleaser but when I do things I'm not comfortable doing, well then it causes a huge fight between bassman and I.
 
Is it wrong to not want to get close to everyone, at this time? Is this moving super fast or is it normal speed? I'm a pleaser but when I do things I'm not comfortable doing, well then it causes a huge fight between bassman and I.

If you aren't ready, then the time isn't right.

Talk this TO DEATH before doing it if you're at all unsure:
What level of PDA are you comfortable with in front of you and the kids?
What level of PDA are you comfortable with in front of you when the kids aren't there?

I went through something similar when P, M1, and I were invited to our first get-together without kids, and it went horribly wrong. Awful miscommunications, a perception that M1 was receiving the lion's share of the attention, that P wanted more of a "girl on each arm" and I wanted to avoid being "put on display" as opposed to just enjoying a party with P. It went badly, involved some friends ostracizing P, and it took a lot to pull ourselves out of the aftermath. There is still some bad blood between some of my friends and P/M1, and this still leads to drama today.

I hope your situation wouldn't go THERE, but if you're at all worried about it, make sure you have your ducks in a row before you go. The BBQ, with kids and other partners/metamours around, is no place to find out that it's going badly.

Good luck!
 
Its fine for you to never want this.
 
If you aren't ready, then the time isn't right.

Talk this TO DEATH before doing it if you're at all unsure:
1-What level of PDA are you comfortable with in front of you and the kids?
2-What level of PDA are you comfortable with in front of you when the kids aren't there?

Thanks YouAreHere!

In response:

#1 - at this time, in front of pnutt the 8 year old boy NONE besides a hug. Our oldest has had the poly talk and in all honesty NONE for her too since she's bothered by her dad and I kissing in front of her.

#2 - I've been fine in the past with them sitting next to each other when we went out to eat as they were on an official date and even being naked in her hot tub together. But my in person compersion has changed drastically since my surgery in Dec and it's like I'm starting all over again. I think a hug, kiss (not make out) in front of me at this time I can handle, but not more than that.

But this is almost a "poly couples" get together and I only have bassman as my couple....just not ready for it.
 
I'm feeling really pressured by outsiders to become this poly-like family (is that it) community. I just don't know how to tell our hosts I'm not ready. Yes that's it, just tell them.

This piece resonated with me too.

I'm really not a "big poly family" person, and I really, REALLY felt pressured to be more to my metamour than I wanted to be.

She wanted a BFF/sisterly relationship. P loved the idea of all of us being close and one big happy family. I just felt on the outside, thinking, "But I don't WANT this."

I told M1 that the only way we'd ever *get* closer was to spend one-on-one time together - that the "big family" moments wouldn't do it and I needed to try to get to know her better one-on-one. Problem with that was, she took that to mean "the more time we spend together, the closer we'll get" and that wasn't necessarily the case. I thought it was just opening a door that may or may not lead to us getting closer. The miscommunication led to my feeling like everything we did together was a milestone toward a goal ("are we friends yet?" "Are we friends now?" "Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?"), and it didn't feel natural at all.

After some months into this, I finally had to sit down with the both of them and say that this wasn't working for me. I wasn't sure we'd *ever* be that close. She didn't "click" with me as a BFF, and I've never been able to force a close friendship. I felt pressured into it, and it was really bringing out a lot of negativity in me.

She was disappointed. I think she felt that we were closer than we were because we tend to regularly get together (the three of us) and have discussions about what's working, what's not, and work through a lot of difficult emotions at these talks. But on her end, what seemed to be confiding and opening up was really just the things I needed to talk about at these meetings - more due to the situation, not seeing her as a confidante.

We agreed to let things be what they are. Not BFFs, but more like casual friends who occasionally talk about "the hard stuff" due to the situation we're in together. There is MUCH less pressure now, and I have much less "big poly family" anxiety (except when the holidays roll around, apparently).

Anyway, to not cut a long story short at ALL (sheesh), you may not be up for a "big poly family" situation, period. You may not be up for being that close to your metamour. That's okay. It's okay to be close with them, too. It's not okay to force it, because it won't be genuine.

You will definitely need to talk to Bassman, but you may need to clear the air between you and Wild Orchid as well, as maybe your expectations of each other don't match up.

Hang in there! You're doing a good job taking your own internal temperature here - I made the mistake of saying "Well, let's see how it goes" and then having it backfire badly. Keep prioritizing and taking care of yourself while being compassionate toward the others and you may do a better job than I did. :eek:
 
Ya know-I think sometimes people really struggle with accepting that we are individuals. Yes-even if we are poly, we are still INDIVIDUALS.

GG and I don't do pda. We never really have. We do hold hands sometimes. We will peck a kiss on one anothers forehead if one of us is leaving.
But we really don't do pda. It's just not a part of OUR relationship.
On the other hand-it doesn't bother him to see me being affectionate with Maca.

Maca is VERY into PDA (always has been). He's a touchy/feely/kissy/huggy guy. However;he really can't handle seeing pda beyond hugs and a kiss between me and anyone else.

I don't really see any of those things changing and I don't think that they need to.

We do all live together, so we have a lot of time together. As the hinge, it's my job to pay attention to the needs of both of my partners and ensure that neither is being put in the position of extreme discomfort because of a lack of foresight by me.
We do bbq's and dinners and bday parties and family nights with the kids and we've even been known to go out just the three of us. But I make it a point of acting "the lady" in situations where they are together, and not being overly physically affectionate. Because it makes them uncomfortable.

I think your partner and your metamour need to realize that YOU are an individual and YOUR comforts need to be taken into consideration regarding how everyone acts in a group function before group functions are put on the table. But-that also means that you need to state your preferences clearly and concisely.
 
I think your partner and your metamour need to realize that YOU are an individual and YOUR comforts need to be taken into consideration regarding how everyone acts in a group function before group functions are put on the table. But-that also means that you need to state your preferences clearly and concisely.

That is it exactly LR! My partner, bassman, and I discussed this yesterday when I picked him up from work and again before he headed over there for his overnight. He completely understands and although at some point in time he'd like for me to "hang" with all of them, realizes I am not ready and also acknowledges I may never be ready.

But before he left, I wanted to make sure he's clear with wild orchid on this. That for me and the kids, if we all "hang out" together PDAs are off limits and no sneaking off to a bedroom or the garage either. Not at this time...the future, I can't promise anything and the future may have to look like the present. I'll find out when we connect tonight after I'm off work. So tentatively we're on for Sunday but I'm still thinking even if she agrees that I have limits, she can't follow through and I just don't want to be in that situation.

I'd love to hang out etc, but last time he stated clearly to her my boundaries, what I was comfortable with, etc and some where (he read to me what he sent her about my limits and it was not vague, very clear) it got lost in translation or just plain disrespected or testing my limits in person which caused a huge fight on the long icy drive home that annoying night back in Dec. I don't want that to occur again. Otherwise I'll just say "fuck it all. I'm done with this relationship" and part ways when we can afford to. That is not what I want but I want my boundaries respected as I respect theirs.
 
. . . tentatively we're on for Sunday but I'm still thinking even if she agrees that I have limits, she can't follow through and I just don't want to be in that situation.

I'd love to hang out etc, but last time he stated clearly to her my boundaries, what I was comfortable with, etc and some where (he read to me what he sent her about my limits and it was not vague, very clear) it got lost in translation or just plain disrespected or testing my limits in person which caused a huge fight on the long icy drive home that annoying night back in Dec. I don't want that to occur again . . . I want my boundaries respected as I respect theirs.
Well. If your boundaries are made clear to her, and she oversteps them, you don't just tolerate and endure it and then get mad at Bassman later. You need to speak up when it happens. And so does Bassman - why doesn't he look out for and defend the agreement he makes with you, in the moment? You could say, "Please stop that. I've asked that you not do that, and it makes me uncomfortable that you've ignored my request. If it happens again, I'm going home." And he can reiterate to her that this is a boundary he wants her to respect. She needs to know you mean business and that Bassman is in solidarity with you about it - when it happens, not a day or a week later.

If the situation is such that you wouldn't be able to actually speak up like that, agree on a secret signal with Bassman to let him know if you are uncomfortable or upset. Then he will know the line's been crossed and can take her aside to tell her to quit it.
 
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Well. If your boundaries are made clear to her, and she oversteps them, you don't just tolerate and endure it and then get mad at Bassman later. You need to speak up when it happens. And so does Bassman - why doesn't he look out for and defend the agreement he makes with you, in the moment? You could say, "Please stop that. I've asked that you not do that, and it makes me uncomfortable that you've ignored my request. If it happens again, I'm going home." And he can reiterate to her that this is a boundary he wants her to respect. She needs to know you mean business and that Bassman is in solidarity with you about it - when it happens, not a day or a week later.

If the situation is such that you wouldn't be able to actually speak up like that, agree on a secret signal with Bassman to let him know if you are uncomfortable or upset. Then he will know the line's been crossed and can take her aside to tell her to quit it.

NYC - oh I like that. Never even thought about that. A signal is an excellent idea. THANK YOU!
 
I think it's really important to realize as people that what we think are boundaries and what are actually boundaries are important. My brain doesn't always work well so I'll clarify.

Okay, so both hubby and boyfriend are stating they are uncomfortable with share time, living together or anything THAT close. Yet both say the closest they would be comfortable with is say, sharing a duplex. Hubby, me and kids on one side, boyfriend on the other. So in their minds, this would be comfortable for them. Yet, I don't get super excited and start looking for duplexes. Why? Because the reality might be different. Things need to go in stages.

Hubby calls it emotional yoga. He hears the phone and knows it's boyfriend. At first, uncomfortable and leaves the room, not sure if I need privacy or if he wants to hear anything. The next time the phone rings, less uncomfortable. Like stretching, he know doesn't care and sometimes won't even ask if it's boyfriend or a work friend because he just honestly doesnt' care!

So, you are uncomfortable now with this level of interaction. So don't do it! If you do want to try and build up to it, that's fine, that's your choice. Just try to remember uncomfortable is not a no, it might just be emotional yoga, if it's TOO uncomfortable or painful, yes, pull back, don't want to pull an emotional muscle. ;)

Maybe it's a level of interaction you will NEVER want, and that's fine too. It's awesome that you are willing to entertain the idea. So discuss it, discuss what level of interaction you are willing to start with, I like the signal idea as well, kind of like tapping out when your energy is spent. If afterwards you relax and can look back and say, "Okay, well I could probably give that another go at another time and do better." Then great! You are stretching! If you look back and go, "Okay I never ever ever ever want to do that again!" Then fine, that's the point where stretching can be dangerous and hurtful and you stop.

Everyone is flexible to a different degree.
 
I understand my metamour and her husband would like our families to be super close and they are very wonderful people but all of a sudden my anxiety is up and I realize I'm not ready for in person love share (being okay with watching my partner be all kissy with my metamour). I know some love this but for me personally I am just not there,yet. Maybe I will be and maybe I will never be.

The only reason my GF and I have ever considered being with other people was specfically to watch each other do it. It's a turn on as far as we are concerned. The anxiety is natural, it's a new stange thing. You gotta learn how to grab that energy and push forward. There is nothing to stop you and nothing wrong with any of it. If your relationship is strong nothing can destroy it. You can always watch some porn relating to the situations to kind of prep yourself. I hope this helps.
 
I think it's really important to realize as people that what we think are boundaries and what are actually boundaries are important. My brain doesn't always work well so I'll clarify.

Okay, so both hubby and boyfriend are stating they are uncomfortable with share time, living together or anything THAT close. Yet both say the closest they would be comfortable with is say, sharing a duplex. Hubby, me and kids on one side, boyfriend on the other. So in their minds, this would be comfortable for them. Yet, I don't get super excited and start looking for duplexes. Why? Because the reality might be different. Things need to go in stages.

Hubby calls it emotional yoga. He hears the phone and knows it's boyfriend. At first, uncomfortable and leaves the room, not sure if I need privacy or if he wants to hear anything. The next time the phone rings, less uncomfortable. Like stretching, he know doesn't care and sometimes won't even ask if it's boyfriend or a work friend because he just honestly doesnt' care!

So, you are uncomfortable now with this level of interaction. So don't do it! If you do want to try and build up to it, that's fine, that's your choice. Just try to remember uncomfortable is not a no, it might just be emotional yoga, if it's TOO uncomfortable or painful, yes, pull back, don't want to pull an emotional muscle. ;)

Maybe it's a level of interaction you will NEVER want, and that's fine too. It's awesome that you are willing to entertain the idea. So discuss it, discuss what level of interaction you are willing to start with, I like the signal idea as well, kind of like tapping out when your energy is spent. If afterwards you relax and can look back and say, "Okay, well I could probably give that another go at another time and do better." Then great! You are stretching! If you look back and go, "Okay I never ever ever ever want to do that again!" Then fine, that's the point where stretching can be dangerous and hurtful and you stop.

Everyone is flexible to a different degree.

This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.
 
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.



Many many people like the idea of living together. Eventually. The thing is, that may not work for everyone. I'm a puppy pile kind of person. I'm good sleeping in a bed or hanging out in a group and cuddling, the more the merrier! Of course, my love language is physical touch, so be a cuddler and I'm in! :D

I guess for me, I learned that there's what you picture, what you hope for, and there's realistic. Neither of my guys would be comfortable sharing a home with other men. Not because they would always be butting heads about who is the MAN of the house, but the opposite. Finding a way to have their own space and not infringe on the other. It's just the kind of men they are. Since the idea of all of us living together would mean both of them constantly uncomfortable in their own home, heads down, apologizing when they enter a room, I'M more comfortable with us not sharing a home! Really it's just taking into account that what YOU want is not necessarily what everyone else wants! Everyone is different.

Actually, I hear a lot of people unhappy with feeling like they are 'only secondary', yet I have a friend that when she found out we were poly decided to look into it. She's single, career driven, brilliant and in a large city. She met a couple, started dating the man, became friends with the woman and finds that it's the perfect situation! FOR HER. She likes not having to have a primary responsibility in a relationship. So really, totally about the individuals involved, not about what one person wants.
 
Many many people like the idea of living together. Eventually. The thing is, that may not work for everyone. I'm a puppy pile kind of person. I'm good sleeping in a bed or hanging out in a group and cuddling, the more the merrier! Of course, my love language is physical touch, so be a cuddler and I'm in! :D

I guess for me, I learned that there's what you picture, what you hope for, and there's realistic. Neither of my guys would be comfortable sharing a home with other men. Not because they would always be butting heads about who is the MAN of the house, but the opposite. Finding a way to have their own space and not infringe on the other. It's just the kind of men they are. Since the idea of all of us living together would mean both of them constantly uncomfortable in their own home, heads down, apologizing when they enter a room, I'M more comfortable with us not sharing a home! Really it's just taking into account that what YOU want is not necessarily what everyone else wants! Everyone is different.

Actually, I hear a lot of people unhappy with feeling like they are 'only secondary', yet I have a friend that when she found out we were poly decided to look into it. She's single, career driven, brilliant and in a large city. She met a couple, started dating the man, became friends with the woman and finds that it's the perfect situation! FOR HER. She likes not having to have a primary responsibility in a relationship. So really, totally about the individuals involved, not about what one person wants.

Everyone keeps talking about reality with this stuff. I think most people are just so envious of others and full of themselves that they cannot bare the though of happiness. I will def get there. It is a reality It will happen. I remember thinking I would never find a girl to fall in love with. Sigh......I love people. I wish everyone the best all the time.
 
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.

I appreciate that your opinion works for you and for your situation, but I've found the word "should" to be extremely damaging when I use it to tell myself that I "shouldn't feel this way" or "should feel this other way." It minimizes what I DO feel until it all comes out in a volcanic eruption of emotion.

For me, this type of relationship wouldn't work. Or, I'd have to REALLY REALLY get along well with my metamour. I have no interest in sharing housing, as I don't want to limit my actions in my own home (walk around nekked if I want? SURE! Let the dishes pile up in the sink for a day when I'm feeling lazy? SURE!). For me, living as a family wouldn't be easier at all.

And if my partner and I are dealing with a problem that doesn't involve my metamour, I have no interest in dragging her into the middle of it (and I'm happy to not be dragged into the middle of their issues). If it's something that impacts all of us? Sure. Let's all get together and talk.

Not to give you grief here - just wanted to state that although your "shoulds" may work for you, they may not work for someone else. See the above "we're all individuals" post by LR. :)



(Obligatory Monty Python reference: "No we're not!")
 
Everyone keeps talking about reality with this stuff. I think most people are just so envious of others and full of themselves that they cannot bare the though of happiness. I will def get there. It is a reality It will happen. I remember thinking I would never find a girl to fall in love with. Sigh......I love people. I wish everyone the best all the time.

Wow, that's really judgmental. People are saying, what works for you and your group works and go for it! Just that it doesn't mean it works for everyone else. Just because you have discovered YOUR ideal doesnt' mean it is THE ideal and to say so is rude and demeaning to others that don't share your opinion. Telling someone they are just jealous or afraid because they dont' want what you want? Is a big red flag for me. It shows a disrespect to others around that may not share your beliefs or goals.
 
Everyone keeps talking about reality with this stuff. I think most people are just so envious of others and full of themselves that they cannot bare the though of happiness. I will def get there. It is a reality It will happen. I remember thinking I would never find a girl to fall in love with. Sigh......I love people. I wish everyone the best all the time.
The irony is that an overwhelming need for a closed OPP would tell most of us we have serious personal or relationship issues. Not to be envied.

People also suggested the most successful way they know to achieve a closed OPP which was dating separately but it triggered you and you shut down.
 
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.

Honestly I find this statement offensive.

What works for you doesn't work for me.

I am very happy with my life. My happiness and that of my husbands would not exist with us all living under one roof.

My guys have no urge to share deep emotions with each other.
 
update

bassman and I discussed this in more detail last night. I started fretting about not being respected as it seemed on Tuesday night when we discussed this he said "i'll compromise and just not be in this environment". Well that's not what I was looking for in a resolution. I really do enjoy their family and do want to be in a group family environment. I asked more questions about did he actually discuss with wild orchid or not (he did). Can they respect no touching, disappearing while we (bassman, our children and I) are there? Yes he said but he's worried that if I see him giving wild orchid some "look" I'll loose it. Looks I am okay with in this family environment just not disappearing, leaving me full of kid duties while they wonder off for a make out session. For now, we've agreed to table it. See how I'm doing in a few weeks. Basically if the thought of interacting causes me physical anxiety (which it did Monday) then we know I'm just not ready, yet.

It felt good to know my fluid boundary is respected at this time and as I'm able to acclimate to more in person interactions, we will try it on. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.

bassman also thinks that once I'm involved with another this whole anxiety feelings will disappear. I can't say it will or won't and who knows, he may then have "anxiety" of seeing me with another.

as far as sexually seeing each other with another. we've been there in the past and neither of us felt negative feelings, really enjoyed it, got super turned on; but then again, it was all about sex and not love.;)
 
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