MFF Triad Went Horribly Wrong-Help Needed

I don't think it went terribly wrong. I think it is great they both want sex together with you and without. Well in my poly relationship triad. I wouldn't want a women that didnt want sex with him when Im not there. That is the whole point everyone is there for each other when someone else isn't. I wouldn't mind a quad relationship because there are times when everyone isn't home and you still can have sexual times with who ever is. I don't mean to sound mean but being open in a poly relationship and trust between everyone shouldn't have so many rules. It is better knowing everyone is open for sex but between just you 3.
 
Hi butterflieluv,

You have a wealth of wonderful comments and advice already here, so I don't add too much. My key observations are that

a) you all three agreed on a certain set of rules,
b) two people broke the rules,
c) they failed to tell you they were breaking the rules, before or after the fact.

Supposedly they were going to inform you "when the time was right." Presumably you were going to renegotiate the rules after your girlfriend moved in (which you thought was obvious -- never assume; we learn that in poly communication; no amount of obvious is obvious enough if it hasn't been formally declared and agreed to).

The end result was that your trust was bashed up, your feelings were thrown into tailspins, and you now struggle to have the loving relationship with them that you had before the foo foo hit the fan.

Two questions you have to ask:

a) Can you forgive them?
b) Can you trust them?

Forgiving them is letting go of the bad feelings this may have all brought up to you. It is saying to them, "I mean you no ill will, we are friends, I don't want us to lose that, I want us to learn to trust each other again if we can."

You have the power to forgive them, straight up. But learning to trust them again is going to take some effort on their part. They need to show that they are committed to being more trustworthy toward you in the future. Find out (in your own mind) what they would need to do to restore that trust. Make sure it's a reasonable pathway you'd propose for them. Then, ask them if they'd be willing to do it.

The regular sit-downs you have, especially with respects to any re-negotions that may be in order on the rules, is an essential, and will help avoid much of this unpleasantness in the future. It will help them feel safe about having a limbo arrangement to live with for a short time. Sometimes people suddenly find they're in need of a rules change, and they don't bring that up because they're chicken. Have the regular sit-downs, and they won't have that excuse.

One last thing to consider. You were afraid they'd leave you if they got together just as a dyad. Well, here they've gotten together as a dyad, and got caught no less, and yet even in this awkward moment, they still totally want to keep you with them as a loving partner. I don't know if that actually dispels one of your fears. Hopefully it does.

They may have feared that you'd do the leaving. Right now is a time of restoring trust that you'll all three stick together, and work things out, when the chips are down.

It's survivable. People in polycules have broken the rules before, and have been able to go through the forgiveness and regain trust process. You can do it too. You're already doing it.

Be honest about what you can/can't do. If there's a "future goal" one person has that doesn't mesh with the other two persons' goals, take some time to talk that out and look for compromises.

It's not over yet. Let love, communication, and time do its healing work. Keep your ties with Polyamory.com for whenever the chips are down. We're here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
She has feelings for you so it's easy to imagine, want, or need to be sexually intimate with YOU! While she prefers sex in general with men, she also enjoys sex with you because it's with YOU.

Yes, I am starting slowly to understand this about her and about myself. I don't fit into a box or label so I should not expect her too either.
 
No ones perfect, everyone makes mistakes. I guess my suggestion is to be honest with yourself and figure out whether or not you want to give them both a Second chance. Then be honest with them.

I agree. And being honest with myself right now is equally important. Thanks for you helpful input. :)
 
Similarly, I know others in the LGBT community who identify as straight or gay-and are actually in relationships that don't fit their identification because they fell in love with THAT PERSON-even though that person wasn't their sexual preference.

Yes, I do agree as well because I don't identify with one side of the fence or another. Slowly I am understanding this , especially with what you said about your bf. I admire you. :)
 
How you feel today?

I am feeling better day by day. :) Thank you for asking.

Today I am meeting with both of them together where we are going to openly and honestly talk about everything and everyone's wants, needs, and feelings.

To my surprise, this was the initiative of not myself, but my bf, who wants to make sure I understand it was never his intention to replace me and own up to breaking my trust and not being honest.

So I will update later everyone on the outcome.

I am taking everyone's ideas, thoughts, questions, and useful information with me and now that I am calmer, I can think clearer, and ready to continue breaking own the elephant in the room. I feel I have a support system in place and starting to understand more about myself, and what can be in the future.


Maybe you Answer: I want to be with you know, in a triad. I do not know what over time will bring. I cannot answer that part right now. But if pressed to answer, I want you both. If that is a dealbreaker for you, then we need to address it now rather than later.

Yes, this is what I told gf because I want to be 100% honest. We are going to be discussing this today as well.

Maybe you Answer: I don't want a baby right now or marriage, but I'm touched you would ask. Thank you. Yes, I want to be in a triad right now with GF. I do want to try to work it out. If it doesn't, we will reassess. But I don't want to think about future polyships when we are IN one right now that needs tending.
I agree, I am going to be discussing this too because you are correct, I am NOT comfortable with getting married or having a baby right now while we have not fully worked out the current issues.


I am also going to try your suggesstion on the wheel with myself, and with both gf anf bf, and trio tier.

Wish me luck, I will update soon. and @GalaGirl, thank you for sharing with me your conflict resolution and framework as a V. :)
 
Two questions you have to ask:

a) Can you forgive them?
b) Can you trust them?

You are right Kevin, I have forgiven them and ready to work out the kinks and move forward. And I agree, trusting them is something that is going to take time. But I want to trust again, and I know that is a good start.

You were afraid they'd leave you if they got together just as a dyad. Well, here they've gotten together as a dyad, and got caught no less, and yet even in this awkward moment, they still totally want to keep you with them as a loving partner. I don't know if that actually dispels one of your fears. Hopefully it does.


Yes, this does dispel one of my fears and over time I believe I will be fully able to understand how to be successful in a triad realtionship without fear. Thank you for your thoughts, very helpful :)
 
Good luck on the talk!!!

Remember, it's not necessary to solve everything in the first go around! If you each get anything figured out-anything at all-that IS progress!!
 
GL! Remember to breathe!

And elephants in the room can take more than one session. Just make next appt for next week and be living regular life in between. One baby step chunk at a time, and sooner or later it's been broken down into something more manageable and no longer elephant size!

Breathe, breathe.

GG
 
Update #1

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. An update on our trio meeting are:
-we discussed everything that happened and got everyones feelings, wants, and needs on the table. (one tiny bit of the elephant gone).
-we also agreed that for right now that both bf and gf want to focus on developing a friendship with each other and develop more of a deeper realtionship with me. We have all three agreed not to be sexually intimate for 30 days on all duo and trio tiers.
-we are having a followup meeting on the 25th to rediscuss where we are and how to move forward.

The meeting was 5 hours, but I feel a 1000% better, and the burden of being hurt is going away quickly.

Now it is time to rebuild trust and I think we are going down the right path this time.

So glad I found this forum and hope to be able to learn more about poly life and meet others :)
 
Glad to hear it, butterflieluv.
 
Wahoo! :cool:

That's SO much better to be working like a TEAM to break down that elephant!

Just breathe, take it one thing at a time -- pat yourselves on the back for arriving at those very reasonable checkpoints and reasonable agreements WITH a reasonable defined time limit so everyone can pull together and bring this thing forward.

You can do it!

GL!
GG
 
dont lose what you have

after reading your story, maybe you just wanted to experiment with another girl,
rather than polly, religious inspired society will never accept the truth that bisexuallity in females is natural and normal, I also see you have jealousy issues which is the worst in a polly relationship, you will always be wondering if she is doing him or him her, it shouldent be like that. In polly unless their is a dome sub equasion between the two girls, you should have equal access to him, but at the same time to show respect to you, she should ask you permission to have him when you leave for work, and you should never refuse her but encourage her, by doing so you will have freed your mind of the turmoil and be happy with yourself knowing they are both safe, its the act of being innocent, lieing or pretending nothing happened thats hurting you possibly because they know you would never approve,
rather than just watch them having sex, instead you should be active help her take him, and she should help you take him and encourage each other to take it, and you girls should always give each other total access to each other at any time, complaneing about him going down on her i find selfish of you, you should be helping her get wet, giving her loving kisses, doing things to her while he is busy down below, encouraging her to cum all over his face, with her doing the same for you when he is between your legs, or if you would rather play with yourself while watching, dont think negative thoughts, think about what a beautiful act of giving it is and the fact you can all share the moment, issuing restrictions of denial is not a good thing, it will only work against you, hate and jealousy will consume your mind, if you cannot realize the exiting sensuality of the moment maybe polly is not for you, however you should realize she loves tongue as much as you do, denieing her is very controling of you, you should be celibrating the moment, showing them how proud you are of their giving themselves to each other, as they should be of you taking them.
I sincerely hope you can get over this, because I think your very brave to bring this up on hear, when you do I gurrantee all this confusion will just go away.
good luck to you.
 
In this one tread I have learned a lot, value the experience(s) and knowldege at this site, That cleared up a lot of grey area... Knowledge is power. Good luck to you and hoping you find what it truly is you are seeking.

D
 
"We have all three agreed not to be sexually intimate for 30 days on all duo and trio tiers."

Congrats on your progress!! Talking is the best. :) But I just wanted to say that this sounds pretty drastic and hard? I really hope that you guys aren't setting yourselves up for failure by agreeing to such a strict and potentially difficult restriction... maybe I'm just a sex fiend, who knows, but I'd start finding that rough. :p
 
But I just wanted to say that this sounds pretty drastic and hard? I really hope that you guys aren't setting yourselves up for failure by agreeing to such a strict and potentially difficult restriction... maybe I'm just a sex fiend, who knows, but I'd start finding that rough.

Amused.

They talked on the 13th and have a check point on the 25th. The only had to hold out 2 weeks to a checkpoint. If anyone has probs with the 30 days deal they can negotiate to adjust it then.

In the meanwhile, masturbation is a good thing. ;)

GG
 
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