Adjusting to a new change

dub1h

New member
My girlfriend has recently started dating a second guy, pretty soon into our relationship (maybe known her for about 3 months when they started). There is a new change that is occurring now, which is that I won't get to chance to spend the night with her this week. I haven't asked, but if anyone does it will be the other guy (and I feel like it'd be rude to ask and actually know for sure).

I've sort of gotten into a mental space where I am okay with whatever happens, and don't feel jealous, but I feel some sort of emotion I can't quite put my finger on.

Maybe I'm not completely over my insecurities...changing yourself is hard. I want to be happy no matter how much or how little I see her, but is that really a way to live?
 
Maybe its that you don't know. Why not just ask? In my poly life everything is above board. Everyone knows where I am, how long I will be there and when I will be with them. That way there are no expectations, no assumptions and everyone can rest easy that the time will come that I will see them again. Part of poly is the honesty and consideration (empathy) component... is she lacking in these departments?
 
I hate to say it but kind of. She's really great at being caring and kind, but when it comes to the polyamorous aspect of the whole relationship, she just gets worried and chooses to not tell me certain things rather than be upfront. Like to get information about her dates with the other guy, I kind of have to ask when I think she might not be telling me.

We had a discussion and now she knows I want to know when she is seeing him, so we'll see how this pans out. I just feel like she may not take polyamory as a change in perspective that takes a kind of serious approach...I think she feels polyamorous, but hasn't yet shifted her entire stance on what that really entails when forming a relationship.

I sound overly critical, but that is how I see things...I guess I'm willing to play the waiting game and let her change at her own pace.

Sometimes I get feelings that I am in something that isn't for me, but I really like her a lot. I feel terrible to even THINK that thought, but it occurs to me.....could this be a bad sign?:(
 
I'd encourage you to ask. I don't always ask enough questions and earlier this week that caught up with me. It's always better to know what's going on than to let things slide.
 
Well... things are still going with everyone, but not without a hitch. It's like every time the other spends time with the girl, there is a bout of jealousy that we have to deal with and get under control. Seems like every single time...

So I had a discussion with her today about how everything is going (I woke up this morning feeling very jealous, thinking of HIM waking up with her while I was home alone....insecurity. Why SHOULDN'T i feel great waking up alone!?)
We talked for a while, and thought about the idea of all three of us meeting for the first time. We thought this might put a face on the phantoms that the we two males have become to one another. Maybe it could be an exercise in conquering our insecurities. How would I feel SEEING him kiss her in front of me, rather than THINKING about him kissing her when she is out seeing him?

A bit of a rant, but I'd like to get a perspective on the whole meeting idea. I feel like it could be beneficial, but there are also risks of us really being uncomfortable, or hating each other, or ruining the relationship with the girl.
 
We talked for a while, and thought about the idea of all three of us meeting for the first time. We thought this might put a face on the phantoms that the we two males have become to one another.
Oh! You might want to read TruckerPete's blog. Some of the stuff she writes about there could be very relevant to you, especially where she talks about bringing her two men together to meet.
 
Oh! You might want to read TruckerPete's blog. Some of the stuff she writes about there could be very relevant to you, especially where she talks about bringing her two men together to meet.

wow thank you so much. This is a great successful version of what's going on. And it seems Indigo, the husband is dealing with jealousy too! It's not like it's unheard of to have issues with this whole process. Thanks for the link
 
Oh man. So what do you do when you are in a poly relationship with the other guy really not being very conducive to a poly relationship to begin with? I'm trying my hardest to adapt and quell the jealousy inside me, but I can only go so far on my own. It sucks to feel like you're at the mercy of the other party, and that they aren't really willing to be invested in this fully. And it sucks even more to feel like the only way through this is by leaving it completely behind. I think I will gird my patience for one last chance, and see what happens. It's just very taxing emotionally.

I'm going to hope for some light to appear at the end of the tunnel soon. If not, I'm going to have to just leave it as a painful lesson learned.

Sorry to just vent here. I hope it's okay to share my frustration/difficulty with this new experience. I want things to work, I really do. It's just like that question one is faced with, that only the self can answer, "is this worth it?" And I guess this is the first relationship I've ever really had so it's so tough to know the answer in my heart of hearts.

Poly without everyone on the same page and open to communication = DIFFICULT!!!!
 
I had to go rummaging 'round to find out what the deal is with you, Dub. Here's some of what I found. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=43404&postcount=4 I don't think you have a Personal Summary. (Was that what I called it?) But folks might find that helpful to catch up with you without having to search through all your posts.

Are you clear about what you'd like to have with this gal? Does she know what that is? Is she okay with that? Is she unwilling to talk about it? What's up?
 
This source says Friends With Benefits (FWB) isn't about feelings. And so it's not really about "friends" at all -- since friends do have feelings for one another.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=friend+with+benefits

See: "fuckbuddy".

Also see:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friends_with_benefits


===

I looked at other www.google.com hits on "Friends With Benefits" and they say stuff like ... "no strings attached" ... "no chocolate, no roses" .... It's all about SEX.

Sex is a powerful human drive, no doubt about it -- but if we want friends, real friends, they aren't going to be FWB. And if we want our friend also to be our lover, in the TRUE sense of that word, there has got to be some real loving with the sexing!
 
Hey River, the older post you rummaged up was actually a different girl. That past relationship was a lot more focused physically. This one was a lot more emotional.

That being said....I ended the relationship today. I couldn't really handle it.

Do you think poly is designed more for a standard circumstance? (I know...they're all different) I just feel like starting to date two people at once was a bad start from the get go. There was no established "anchor" if you will. It felt like a competition because both of the males were in a love race, simply because we started at the starting gate together.

I feel like poly is better suited for a slow build. A strong love is created first, the first partner is waiting at the finish line, already knowing that she loves him strongly and unconditionally. Then another person enters at the starting line and slowly works their way in too.

I wish she didn't create this situation....but I guess I will find love again that is more nurturing of a budding relationship. I hate to seem like I am blaming her. I know that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Unfortunately this mistake separated us. It was a wonderful experience to have known her. God, how I wish it could have continued. :(
 
Poly isn't really "designed" to be any particular way.

I disagree with the notion that it's a bad idea to start two relationships at once, or very close to each new beginning. I must disagree because that's where I find myself now. After being separated from my husband, I started dating while the divorce is being finalized. I have no interest in finding "The One" and embraced polyamory. I can't say I'm really living a poly lifestyle yet, but it's what I aspire to, and I'm hoping that multiple loving relationships will come out of my dating life. I have been told that I am actually rather lucky to be at this point because it can be much more difficult to introduce a new love to an established relationship. If multiple relationships all start pretty much around the same time, it's easier to establish ground rules (so to speak), to make sure it's a level playing field, and everyone knows going in what to expect. That's how I see it anyway.

It seems the problems you guys were having had a lot to do with your GF's other guy being anti-poly, and your insecurities which come from having an attachment to things needing to go a certain way. Now you know what to be on the alert for if you want to pursue poly again.
 
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It seems the problems you guys were having had a lot to do with your GF's other guy being anti-poly, and your insecurities which come from having an attachment to things needing to go a certain way. Now you know what to be on the alert for if you want to pursue poly again.

I wonder a lot about what I could have done differently. In my mind, I felt like the only way things could work is if there was open communication between us all.

Most of the people I talk to about this immediately respond with "Oh you deserve better...a girl that will focus on only you".
I mean, I sort of felt like I was not really taken seriously towards the end. She wouldn't bring stuff up with the other guy because he would close up and not want to talk about stuff. She was just waiting for things to be perfect before she really attacked what was causing me so much discomfort.

But then again, she was always there for me to talk. Before work, during classes, whenever I brought up my discomfort she would be willing to talk, even if it brought her to tears.

I guess things just weren't meant to be.

But how could things have worked? I could waste a lot of time thinking about that, but I want to have a more open mind of how things can actually work. Why did I get so tightly wound around the one idea? Why couldn't I see things working out any other way?
 
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