My wifes emotional connection with her new man

polyexplorer

New member
My wife has recently met a guy and has fallen in love with him. I am genuinely happy for her.

What I am finding most painful though is that I can sense that she is more open emotionally and is more excited about seeing him than she is me. She has even said so herself. She is aware that she is much more open to him during lovemaking that she is with me where she is a little guarded and protecting. This is due to the 6 painful years it has taken us to reach this place of opening our marriage. Whereas with her new man there is no painful past. Of course there is also NRE, but this goes deeper than that...

Everytime I know they are together I am finding it painful because I know how open and excited she is, and I know how difficult she finds it to be so open to me. I am hopeful that this openness will swing my way over time...

Any suggestions on how to best deal with this kind of pain?

Thanks...
 
Why are you adding more people to the mix when your relationship isn't ready for it?
 
My advice is to keep talking to her about it and processing it. In my own relationship, there are some things that I do more easily with my boyfriend simply because he's not my husband..... it has nothing to do with either of them as people, but the script in my head about what a husband is. I had an controlling step father and my husband is in no way a controlling person, but my first reaction to my husband telling me to do something is to rebel. I don't have that reaction with my boyfriend.

My husband brought it to my attention that this hurt him; that I would just do what my boyfriend told me to and not him. So we talked and processed and talked some more. I've tried to be less rebellious and he has a better understanding of where I'm coming from so he doesn't take it personally.
 
I've noticed this dynamic before and it absolutely stung at first since, at least for me, my initial reactions in becoming poly was to internalize any disparity I perceived. It seemed there were subjects that got my husband hot with others that he was uncomfortable to try with me because he worried about my reactions more than with someone else. With me, there is more to lose should this relationship go south so of course he is going to stress over that possibility more with me than any other partner.

I don't know what has happened between you and your partner in the last 6 years or what pain those years manifested. It might help to explain whats up with that. But for us it was something we battled over repeatedly. It was when it got to its ugliest that we made our biggest break through. He began to take the risk of losing me by bringing me closer to his sexual wants rather than shielding me from them. And I really dug deep to not turn away from him out of the hurt that he had been sharing those parts of himself with others and not me. Its like a whole new relationship now complete with the NRE I thought people only got with new connections.
 
I wonder if it's just that you two aren't really ready yet for other people to be so heavily involved in your relationship?

My SO and I for various reasons relating to lack of practise, past relationships etc etc have some work to do on communication. Work that is taking ages - it's hard to do and we're both busy! Until we are able to communicate openly with each other, I wouldn't be happy about either of us developing new, intimate relationships.

I'm not talking just about sexual relationships - any that would take up lots of time, effort and large involve emotional adjustments. I wouldn't have a baby with him just now. I also wouldn't get a puppy or a new dog.

It just seems like doing so would make an already difficult job harder?
 
I think you are adding meaning to what you see and are assuming a lot. It's NRE. Stop asking her about her lovemaking with him and how differently she feels; let her manage that relationship separately and have some privacy. She's probably as open and excited with him as he is with her; how open are you when you're with her? How excited are you to be with her? Have you romanced her lately? Stop comparing yourself and your perceptions of your wife's responses with anyone or anything else. You two need to keep working on your relationship and, if you're really not ready for this, perhaps she should slow down or scale back in being with the other guy.
 
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Why are you adding more people to the mix when your relationship isn't ready for it?
I wonder if it's just that you two aren't really ready yet for other people to be so heavily involved in your relationship?

Are these drawing on some additional information? I wouldn't think this issue to be severe enough to alone cause such a conclusion.. :confused:

I think you should focus totally on your relationship with your wife. The other guy and their relationship is just not relevant. It doesn't matter (to your relationship) how much openness she has with him, it matters how much openness you and her share. It sounds like more openness is something you'd both like. Sure, you have more baggage, so it won't come as easy. That's often the case with an established relationship; you have to work to get rid of the baggage to build new. But it is possible to do that. Talk to your wife, make a commitment with her on working these things together, and have patience.
 
Thanks to all the responses so far! Much appreciated!!

A brief bit more background... We started our poly journey 6 years ago when I fell in love with another woman. It was totally unexpected for me and my wife! I was honest with her about it but we were in a religious setting which made it even more difficult for my wife to accept. She did try, but it became too overwhelming for her and so the relationship had to end. This was very painful for both of us, which in a nutshell explains the pain I mentioned originally.

Six years later we have talked and talked and reached a place where we both agree that poly is something we want to try. So if we are not ready to try poly now, I don't think we ever will be.

So it so happens that my wife is the first one to find "success" in terms of meeting someone she has fallen in love with. This is difficult for me on one level because I am constantly reminded of what was not possible for me. I see her joy and the excitement and I grieve what I have lost.

But the greatest pain has been seeing how open she is with him. We have been married for 20 years and there has always been a hint of holding back from my wife. This new relationship shows this up even more. I have always hoped that she would be more open with me, and it hurts to see that she can be with someone else, and that someone else is getting immediately from her something I have been hoping for for over 20 years.

However, some of the comments here have been really helpful. It is important to realise that every relationship is unique and that she will relate in different ways. Also it is important for me to recognise that it will be easier in many ways for her to open up to someone new. Rather than seeing it as a deficiency in me or a negative thing, it can actually be really positive and my hope is that she will learn to open up and in this process work through the issues that hold her back from me. She certainly wants to do this. So this new relationship could very well be the catalyst that helps to bring about a deeper openness in her that I have always longed for...

In the meantime it still does hurt to see it happening with someone else... Reminder to self - stay patient and remain focused on the bigger picture...

Thanks again!
 
Two things come up for me in reading your last post.

First, Yoda had it right when he said there is either "do" or "do not." There is no such thing as try. If you are sitting right now, try standing up. Go ahead, try it... wait if you stood up, you didn't try - you stood up! You're either sitting or standing, not trying to do one or the other. In other words, there are no half measures. Poly isn't something you try; it is something you can embrace and immerse yourself in, something you live, but how do you try polyamory when there are other people and their hearts involved? Either you're all in, or you're out, my friend. That is not to say that you can't slow the pace or take small steps.

The other thing it brought up for me is a question: what do you mean when you use the word "open?" That you wish she were more open with you??? Are you talking sexually, emotionally... or what? How well do you express your needs? Are you two in any kind of therapy together? Just wondering what this is that has you so very focused on her "openness."
 
Keep talking and give her time. One of the things my "wooing" of my girlfriends has taught me is to be cognizant of my relationship with my wife. Once I got past a certain zealous moment, I was able to see that I had been taking her for granted and stopped romancing her and doing the little things that came so naturally in the new relationships. I began applying that to my marriage as well, it began to improve as well!!
 
Thanks NYC for your reply. You are right, there is no trying. It's a leap off the edge and you're all in or not. We are all in. It was just my gentleness of words in using the less definite word of "try".

As far as openness, I am referring both emotionally and sexually. As has been said by others, it can be easier with the clean slate of a new relationship to forge new ground relationally (both emotionally and sexually) that has not been tread before. I think this is happening with my wife. It would be more difficult to break the patterns of relating with an existing relationship. Perhaps she is trying on new ways of relating emotionally and sexually that she has not been willing or able to try on with me before. It suits her! I always knew she had it in her to be how she is with him, but for whatever reasons it only came out in glimpses with me. Perhaps these glimpses will start becoming more frequent and lasting longer with me as she taps into who she is becoming more and more. If it takes another guy to bring this out in her, then so be it...
 
Thanks NYC for your reply. You are right, there is no trying. It's a leap off the edge and you're all in or not. We are all in. It was just my gentleness of words in using the less definite word of "try".

As far as openness, I am referring both emotionally and sexually. As has been said by others, it can be easier with the clean slate of a new relationship to forge new ground relationally (both emotionally and sexually) that has not been tread before. I think this is happening with my wife. It would be more difficult to break the patterns of relating with an existing relationship. Perhaps she is trying on new ways of relating emotionally and sexually that she has not been willing or able to try on with me before. It suits her! I always knew she had it in her to be how she is with him, but for whatever reasons it only came out in glimpses with me. Perhaps these glimpses will start becoming more frequent and lasting longer with me as she taps into who she is becoming more and more. If it takes another guy to bring this out in her, then so be it...

I think something else you have to keep in mind is that your marriage in its previous mono state was situated in religious waters; this may have had an effect on her being open towards you or trying to process the already established relationship differently.
 
Good point arrowbound. I hadn't really thought of that... She grew up in a very traditional regligious background and her father was a pastor. This may have made it more difficult for her to be truly open. We have now shed that past and moved on. Hence a new relationship has none of that background... Thanks for the insight...
 
It sounds like NRE to me. She has a new toy to play with so the old toy sits on the shelf; loved but put aside for awhile. I wouldn't sweat it too much. It will pass. NRE makes a person think that rainbows shine out of the ass of the one they are in love with until such time as they start getting annoyed that they leave their socks on the living room floor just like you do...

Keep breathing, try and laugh it off and spend that lack of sexy time masturbating more... be your best primary and take care of you so that when she comes home you are on your game and the amazing person she loves.

I was in the same situation that she is in now about three years ago. The above comes from experience. It was what got us through, maybe it will you too.
 
First, Yoda had it right when he said there is either "do" or "do not." There is no such thing as try. If you are sitting right now, try standing up. Go ahead, try it... wait if you stood up, you didn't try - you stood up! You're either sitting or standing, not trying to do one or the other.

Ok, that example made me giggle. At 7 months pregnant there is lots of trying to stand up for me.

To the op; I agree with previous posts that this mostly sounds like NRE.

I just wanted to add that sometimes it is easier to be more 'open' (whether that's sexually or emotionally) with someone 'new'. It can be way more scary to be completely open with someone when you want them to be around 'forever'.

What if they get mad, upset, hurt, so on and so on, it may change your relationship entirely. As opposed to being open with the 'new' person where you may have less expectations of 'forever' or what exactly your relationship will be.
 
Thanks for the posts...

Yes, maybe there is more NRE than I am giving credit for??? Good point too brokenmirror about the 'forever' expectations and therefore being easier to open up more to someone new...

One step at a time...
 
NRE could explain why she seems open with him, however it does not explain why she has always felt guarded with you, or why that hasn't changed in 20 years of marriage.

My husband is very protective of his thoughts and feelings. He really struggles to share them. Long story short, he grew up in a household where having emotions was frowned upon and talking about them was flat-out forbidden. So the notion that talking about your feelings is allowed and even desirable is not something that comes naturally to him.

I, on the other hand, tend to pretty much think out loud, every thought and feeling that comes into my perception. This has, in the past, had the consequence of him feeling guilty over one-time accidents or mistakes that he'd made, and that I'd reacted to. I still don't know how many things he's afraid to do, just because one time I freaked out about it, usually because I was in "a mood."

Over the past 5 years, we've both gravitated towards the middle. We both still have a lot of work to do, but things are a lot smoother now, and get better all the time.

In other words, being open (I assume you mean in terms of communication) is something that takes practice for both people: It takes practice to learn to share with someone, and it takes practice to learn to allow someone to share with you.

So my question for you is: are you sure you're doing everything you can to make it safe for your wife to share her feelings? Do you ever pass judgement on her when she shares? Do you share with her as much as you could, or is there room for improvement?

I recommend telling her how you feel. Be careful with the "you've never / you always" ways to put things (i.e. "she's never been open with me"). But find a way to say that you'd like it if you and her could be more open with each other and that you're feeling a bit of envy of how she's able to be open with her boyfriend. And then practice small. Ask her to share something that won't make her too uncomfortable, receive it positively, and then share something with her. The more she sees that it's safe to share her feelings with you, the more she'll feel comfortable doing it.
 
I think you're right SC, I still do believe that there is more than NRE going on...

As I have been reflecting more on what I mean by my wife's 'openness', I think I am referring primarily to her sexual openness. For the 20 years of our sexual life I have always felt that my wife had more to give and open up to in this area. I have been wanting a deeper and more open sexual connection. I have wanted her to show more initiative, more adventure, and to be and feel the sexy person who I know she is. She wants this too!

Funnily enough, the thought of my wife falling in love with someone else and having the deep emotional connection doesn't really phase me that much. I feel at ease about this. But I have struggled most with the thought of her being really open and all the things that I have wanted her to be sexually with someone else.

I am coming to terms with it more and more and see that it may just be part of her journey. I can also see that more and more the openness is starting to come my way too...
 
thanks for this thread, i'm reading it through my heart :)

i found it so simple and heartly written that i posted it in "my" very new forum which is in italian: italy does not know -and somehow it seems "they" do not want to know about polyamory...

BTW, Polyexplorer: goooooooo!!!!!! :D
 
As I have been reflecting more on what I mean by my wife's 'openness', I think I am referring primarily to her sexual openness. For the 20 years of our sexual life I have always felt that my wife had more to give and open up to in this area. I have been wanting a deeper and more open sexual connection. I have wanted her to show more initiative, more adventure, and to be and feel the sexy person who I know she is. She wants this too!

This makes me a little bit wary. Yes, she wants this too presumably; still, it seems you may be pushing her to be something she is not comfortable with, at least with you. Why does she need to be different? Why does she need to be the one to change? If you want to be more open yourself, then be more open; somehow I have the sense that a lot is falling on her shoulders.

Also, comparisons are really dangerous. Her new partner is a different person than you; even with no differences in history they are likely to relate differently. Keep your focus on your own relationship.
 
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