Newbie needing advice ASAP....

Megziebaby216

New member
Hello all, this is a great website! I am in a polyamorous triad ( MFF ). I am a bisexual female. My husband and I have been married for 6 years now and have had great times together and 3 children. he has always been suportive of my sexuality. We attempted a triad with a good friend of mine about 2 years ago. we were in a bad place. and my trust was broken when my request that they use protection went ignored. Long story short, a lot of trust building and repairing happened. he had gotten her pregnant and she misscarried. We decided to try again in october with a different woman. she tried to take him behind my back and we stood strong :) . Met our current girlfriend in december and i love her so much. everything is great. the family dynamic works great, sexual and romantic chemistry is great. she moved in and we reccently purchased another vehicle large enough to transport our large family. We also picked out a ring to show her how special she is and that shes more than just a mere plaything. I am madly in love within my triad. we have come out to close family and friends. We all have alone time together and triad dates as well ( which i must admit is funny to watch peoples reactions). I am nervous though. My husband has discussed his desire to have a child with her. ( which I am okay with, in time.) We are newly joined so this makes me nervous. My girlfriend has not mentioned this to me. when asked she says not in the near future. But her conversations with my hubby says different. Its all they seem to talk about it. They know i am clearly nervous ( I have an anxiety disorder) and everytime i think about it i get sick. Im not jealous of them at all, i honestly dont know my reasoning behind feeling this way other than its being so soon after beginning dating. i dont like them talking about getting pregnant behind my back, saying that they should schedual their dates around her ovulation schedual, and that they should have unprotected sex while i am sleeping. how do i approach this? I want open communication. my gf knows i think its too soon but i havent gone into details with her. husband knows how i feel, and gets angry. he calls me controlling and says i shouldnt have a say where it doesnt involve me.......whats a girl to do? i need them both in my life. where this is the only problem we have approached so far where we arent on the same front......I mean.....sacrifice my happiness so the ones i love wont be upset and resent me? Man, this is hard! ----Thank you ahead of time for reading and listening <3
 
COMMUNICATE!!!!! Tell them both seprately and together how you feel. Let them know why you are upset. For that matter, you need to sit down and think about WHY You are upset. Without knowing what is making you upset, you are going to go no where.
 
i honestly dont know my reasoning behind feeling this way other than its being so soon after beginning dating. i dont like them talking about getting pregnant behind my back, saying that they should schedual their dates around her ovulation schedual, and that they should have unprotected sex while i am sleeping. how do i approach this? I want open communication. my gf knows i think its too soon but i havent gone into details with her. husband knows how i feel, and gets angry. he calls me controlling and says i shouldnt have a say where it doesnt involve me

So, two years ago your trust was seriously broken involving unprotected sex and a pregnancy. And now you don't know where your anxiety is coming from in regards to unprotected sex and the possibility of pregnancy?? Give yourself a break! Your husband, imo, has no right to get angry with you, especially given his role in the first situation. And it ABSOLUTELY involves you if the father of your children has a child with another woman, ESPECIALLY a woman you are ALSO in a relationship with! If nothing else it involves you legally and financially, and probably emotionally. It only doesn't involve you physically, and at this point that's the minor part (9 months pregnant vs 18 years legally responsible for a child, and this is coming from someone who's gone though a couple pregnancies!).

Does gf know about the previous situation? If not, I would highly recommend letting her know about the history so she has some context for your current feelings. If you're just not ready for it, and it has nothing to do with her personally or her relationship with either one of you, she deserves to know that. And it might also help her to realize how beneficial it would be for her to be supportive of your side and stop enabling your husband in what seems to be an attempt to either wear you down until you agree or make it happen without your knowledge or consent.
 
Wait, you guys just met this woman in December and you're already doing the ring, move-in, kids talk stuff?? That is REALLY fast for such major life decisions! I don't feel like I can even be sure if I'm going to be great friends in the long-term with someone in three months, much less if I want to share my life and co-parent with them. What the heck? How did things get so serious so fast?

It's not ok for your husband to say that decisions about him having another kid don't involve you. That's just ridiculous. Few things could impact you more than your life partner having a child!! Does he really not understand that?
 
This is a tough place to be in. One's husband fathering a child with a girlfriend is always a possibility in poly tangles involving people of child-bearing age. While it isn't anyone's place to tell any woman what she can do with her body, it is only logical that it's a subject which should be discussed among all three of you and not among just two of you in secret. Ultimately, trying to get pregnant and having the baby is her choice, and you can't really forbid her not to, but you all need to discuss how it will affect the three of you as a family and household, legally and financially, and what each of you are ready for.

I take it you are all co-primaries? There are poly families who work these types of things out, with several children in the poly tangle sharing some parents and not others. It can be a very happy arrangement, especially if they view themselves not as a couple plus one, but a truly equal triad with the goal of living and raising children communally. You need to keep examining your fears and anxiety about this, get down to the nitty gritty of it, and keep talking, talking, talking.

The confusing thing to me is that she has contradicted herself by saying she wants to wait and yet -- they keep planning their dates around her fertility????

So, how well do you really know her, and her family and friends? I agree with Annabel about how incredibly fast you all are moving! Moving a gf in before you've spent a year together really seems very hasty and somewhat reckless.
 
I have a ton of red flags here that make me anxious about the stability of this situation.

  1. moving her in after you just met
  2. the secrecy and planning behind your back
  3. having a baby with someone you just met
  4. past trust issues that can be easily triggered
  5. having an anxiety disorder
  6. buying rings and committing after a couple of monthes

I suggest slowing down, I wouldn't of moved her in this fast and laying some boundaries out there that MAKE SENSE. Geesh, this thing will implode the way you are going as far as I can see. I haven't known one single triad that has worked the way you are all going about this and I have been here a good long time and poly for longer... have you done any researching here to see what others have gone through? Try a tag search for threads such as "triads" "triad" "cohabitation" "pace" "pacing" ?Hope you find something that gives you some ideas to go on.
 
why the rush?

Ok, first off, my thoughts are kinda like "Why ruin a good thing by going too fast?" You guys all love each other and are serious about having a triad based on equality, I get that. Obviously, with rings and a new vehicle, this is following a somewhat "family" dynamic, and what's more "family" then babies... except, when one partner isn't ready.

Let's think about this from a couple dynamic to help take out the poly element. If a man and a woman were together and the woman wanted a baby but the man didn't yet, would it be okay for her to secretly schedule their sex around her ovulation time? If he said he wanted babies, just not yet, why wouldn't she trust him? Thinking about it like that might help you to figure out some of the questions you'd like to ask her/them.

So many questions here jump out at me...
1. Is there a specific reason why she feels the baby has to be now? ie maybe there's some underlying worry that she's getting too old to have a baby? Or is it insecurity that she feels she needs the validation that she "really is an equal"?

2. The child would be just as much YOUR child as her child... so of course you should have a say. I think sitting down with HER and talking about "when do WE want to have a child" ie as the woman that you're in love with and want to be with for the rest of your life, when do you see making a baby with her makes sense to you both? Making that decision just like you would with a lesbian partner who needs the consent of the sperm donor is another way of looking at it. AFter all, you love her, and are committed to her. So having some real, honest, deep conversation about "this isn't about me stopping you, this is about me exploring what we want in my romantic relationship WITH YOU" is important.

Best of luck!
 
Hello there,

I would like to ask as many others have: Why are you moving so fast? You are in the earliest phase of your relationship(s) and are not only talking about children but already in practical realization of them? I mean, it is always good to discuss all topics that are out there and plan when they may become relevant for you, my men and I are doing that as well, even though we are not a year in the mix already, but I would feel just like you, this is way too fast to actually start trying to get pregnant after only three months time.

My husband and I planned to have our first child next year. Fortunately my boyfriend is on the same page (wants children in our relationship) and adjusting to the thought of having non-biological children around and wants to have a biological one in some years as well. But this took longer to discuss and talk about purely theoretically than the time you three have been together up to now. And I think it is safe to say that we are already moving fast there. Of course, relationships shouldn't be compared, but I recommend slowing down instantly and start the talking, with all three of you involved.

Even if you feel uncomfortable pressing the topic that is an urgent one for you, stand up for what you think and wish for and get them at a table to talk about what everyone has in mind when thinking about the future of your relationship. If you don't tell them that you have got the feeling that some important parts of their communication and planning involves you as well and that they seem to not see that and exclude you from the decision making process, you won't stop worrying and feeling treated unfair. As others have said, your husband has no right in this situation to get angry with you. This sounds like serious NRE and maybe he needs you to show him how unreasonable he is acting right now.

As I already mentioned, I myself am not in the best situation to talk about going slow, we moved my boyfriend in as soon as possible, we talk about the possibility of children after being together for roughly seven months and so on. But what we never did up to now is making decisions without involving all three of us. Each development in one relationship effects all others that are around this one and therefore all persons involved need to be on the same page. You need to get that clear and work on that, as couples and as a triad.

Good luck.
 
Wait, you guys just met this woman in December and you're already doing the ring, move-in, kids talk stuff?? That is REALLY fast for such major life decisions! I don't feel like I can even be sure if I'm going to be great friends in the long-term with someone in three months, much less if I want to share my life and co-parent with them. What the heck? How did things get so serious so fast?

Said what I was going to say. NRE makes for bad decision-making.
 
Poster's reply

Thank you all so much for your input. Honestly I have no clue how it moved so quickly so fast because that is so against my nature. She lived over 3 hours away from us. So it was very difficult ( and expensive with gas money). to pack all 3 kiddos up, drive down, pick her up,a nd bring her home....12 hours of driving a week because of her wqork schedual. She had gotten done at her job at christmas time and said that when she found a job here she would move in. And low and behold, 1 week later she had 3 job offers. We had to buy another vehicle in order to support a 2 incoms household ( since I am a stay at hom mom, hubby just took our vehicle to work).

The ring was sort of rushed....but hear me out. Her family is extermley religious. her father is a pastor, and as u can guess was not happy with her about her sexuality. they disowned her, and she stopped contact. they hired private investigators to figure out where we lived. her parents came to our house and started fighting with her and told her what big mistakes she was making. her mother ripped off her ring that her grandmother had given her and she was very destraght about that. now they have moved many states away so im happy I wont be seeing them again. we were buying the ring when this happened, we had originally aggreed on julyish to give her the ring. But hubby gave it to her when we came home because of how upset she was because of her parents.

i will add that we are all fairly young, ( 24), but very independant. I have 3 young children, and plan on having at least 2 more. I am completley okay with them having children, but not yet! It has only been 3 months. I want to date, get to know one another on a deeper level. You know. I am not a jealous person until the baby topic comes up. Then hubby and I fight. Where we are a triad, I consider my gf in every decision, even if it has my husband and i's name on it ( like our new vehicle), we each contribute. I stay at home with the children, rnu the household, bills, budget, work the farm, household remodel projects, and etc. My gf helps with household chores and works a parttime job to bring in income. My husband works full time and deals with the more "manly" things such as our vehicle maintenence, home improvement, and of course dishes 9 who likes doing dishes?) haha. Anyways, I like where our dynamic is going, our time runs more smoothly vs just hubby and I and we have more time together since someone is always doing something the list gts done faster. Although worrying about another is added stress, life runs more smoothly and I am much happier with her around.

Except with the baby topic. My husband is a great father, and my girlfriend will make a great mother. My concern is timing, we have only been togethter so long. Now that shes here, I want to enjoy her, work out the little logistics. I enjoy doing things with her that my husband and I cant ( like cuddle and watch criminal minds) - favorite show and my hsuband hates it lol.

My husband knows how I feel. And Because of my anxiety disorder I start having muscle spasms and twitching and get sick everytime he talks about it. I have waited a few weeks now, to see if my gf will come around and talk to me. She had a pregnancy scare 3 weeks after being together and was nervous saying she didnt want one right now, and was upset because of some of the things hubby had said about my feelings not mattering and how its not my child....but it is. I will be going through the pregnancy with her, supporting her, getting a job if she can no longer work, i will feel those kicks, make her food for her cravings, watch her ultrasounds and hold her hand, help her deliver, stay at home with the child and raise it when she goes back to work, her children will share half dna with my own children, and I will raise that child like a brother/sister to my own....how is that not my child. my gf diciplines my children, puts them to bed, makes them lunch, helps bathe them, they love her, they are like her children as well.

I dont want a heiarchy. I want us all to be equal members, a family unit.

Thank you all so much, though I havent been her but 24 hours I love the support and great people here!
 
NRE is new relationship energy. It refers to that time in a new relationship when you tend to make bad decisions because you're so caught up in the newness and the happiness and the this-is-going-to-last-foreverness and the this-is-my-soulmateness. It is, essentially, your hormones controlling you. It generally lasts from one to two years. It can literally destroy a poly relationship when someone allows NRE to influence them and neglect the relationships that are not causing the NRE. It can be addictive--you see this in the person who moves from "love of their life" to "love of their life" without settling. A friend of mine once said in reference to NRE, "One should never make decisions while high" and that is 100% true.

As for the OP, I've been in a committed poly relationship for some time now, and I'm not sure how I would handle it if any of my partners wanted more children even after all of this time together. I can't even imagine having a baby after knowing someone less than a year. Rushing into having children is, in my opinion, a big mistake. Your relationship hasn't even settled yet, and they want to add stress? And, like everyone else said, OF COURSE having children affects you. I like to help out, but that late-night changing and feeding on a child that I had no choice about, doctor's bills, clothing bills, bills bills bills and I had no say, would build resentment in even the sweetest person. You need to stop waiting for them to talk to you and have a conversation with them, together, seperate, with someone to hold your hand, whatever works. Calm but firm, assert your rights. EVERYONE has a right to be heard in the relationship, whether they agree or not.
 
... he calls me controlling and says i shouldnt have a say where it doesnt involve me....


It very much does involve you. Any child he fathers places a legal and financial obligation on him that will affect you quite a bit. It will affect your scheduling and household budget.

I have to wonder why you're tolerating his behavior. He already had unprotected sex with a previous partner and knocked her up--and he's talking about doing the same again? I say it's quite obvious that he doesn't really give a damn about you and simply wants to father a child with whomever he can talk into it. Unprotected sex that puts you at risk AND plans for a child that will greatly affect your life and which you don't want--and you're still hanging around?

Seriously, were my wife to tell me that she was planning to have a child with somebody else whether I wanted to deal with another child or not, I'd tell her she's free to do so, to have fun with that, and the divorce papers would be ready as soon as the attorney's office could provide them. I'm not going to be obligated to a child not my own without making the choice myself.

Boundaries are very good things to enforce.
 
It doesn't sound like he understands the first thing about healthy polyamory if the very idea of a family meeting on such an important topic is enough to upset him. As others have said, it's all about communication communication communication! I think I'd be anxious too if I were partnered with someone who didn't have that basic respect for me, for important decisions, or for clear and open, honest communication. I feel for you. Maybe he should read this thread.
 
I'm very sorry you're new triad is experiencing this. I am also in a MFF triad with my husband and girlfriend. Our relationship is about a year old and we've had quite a few discussions about more children. We currently have one child, who was born prior to our current relationship.

Having a child with someone is not a decision to be taken lightly! As much as I love my girlfriend and husband, I get panicked whenever we seriously discuss her having a baby. I know that I want to expand my family, and I know I want her to be part of it, but I'm not sure the relationship is mature enough yet. Its tempting to think 'it will be easier because she does the hard pregnancy and breastfeeding work' but that is nonsense! You, as a stay at home partner, will be her number one support. Are you expected to continue to be stay at home parent? Is that something you desire? What about when you want more biological kids of your own? How will she feel about that? The list of questions goes on and on!!

All those are internal questions. Sometimes I think that stuff is the easy stuff when I start to contemplate how we will present ourselves to the world. A baby brings everything to light. There must be disclosure to all three sets of grandparents. There will be constant questions about 'whos baby is it??' and so on. Then there are the side remarks of people who think you (as his wife) have been played. All these things can have deep emotional impact on a relationship. Again, is the relationship mature enough for this?

Finally, there is the fact that adding a child to the family is adding a new person. But by entering into a relationship with her, you've JUST added a new person. Why not explore each other? Learn more about each other? Would you have a baby then have another one 2 months later? Of course not, because every one needs time to adjust and get to know the new family member. The new family member needs time to feel part of the family.

I urge your family to take time. Love and desire for children will still be there in a year or two. Given how young you all are, you have plenty of time to enjoy yourselves and really build trust before taking what is arguably the biggest step you can take in a relationship. Good luck.
 
we had originally aggreed on julyish to give her the ring. But hubby gave it to her when we came home because of how upset she was because of her parents.

Where we are a triad, I consider my gf in every decision, even if it has my husband and i's name on it ( like our new vehicle), we each contribute.

Because of my anxiety disorder I start having muscle spasms and twitching and get sick everytime he talks about it. I have waited a few weeks now, to see if my gf will come around and talk to me.

A few things.
Did your husband and you agree to give her the ring together or did he just give it to her because she was upset. That seems like a poor reason to give somebody a ring.

You consider your girlfriend in every decision. When you used to date, and even when you met your husband, did you include these people in EVERY decision at three months? I have to say I consider it the opposite of independent what is going on, you may see yourselves that way because you have a home and kids and income, but in a relationship way, what you are describing seems co-dependant and rather dysfunctional with how your husband responds when you disagree with him, and with your failure to stand up for yourself.

The fact that you are "waiting for your girlfriend to come talk to you" is not going to get you anywhere. Why don't you go say "hey chicka, we need to talk about this?"

About your sickness and twitches. That's your body telling you that something is seriously wrong. Listen to it. When you are managing your relationships in ways that are healthy and loving to yourself, those anxiety symptoms wont happen.

And I hate to say it, but when I think about adults who are getting pregnant at 3 months into dating, I think of the people I see on daytime court TV show looking foolish because they made rash decisions and ended up in a mess. I figure if the situation I am in can be on a trashy tv show to titillate the audience, perhaps I'd better slow down and think things through, and what you guys are rushing into seems like it could easily do that.

You DO have to know that having kids with somebody before you have really gotten to know them isn't a good idea don't you? There is not one single reason in the entire universe that you can't wait til at least a year to see if the relationships have worked out. It doesn't matter if it's a mono or a poly relationship, it just isn't wise.
 
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