Redpepper's journey

I have agreed to wait and see and not make plans to abandon my friendship with Ken. He asked me to see if it works out and I will. I don't see how it will turn out well, as I have gone over (at all hours of the morning) different scenarios and possible complications in my mind and can see that all of us, depending on the scenario, stand to get hurt. Still, here we are... in it and just waiting to see. Again.

The tricky part for me will be to see how much monogamous values play into the future of our friendships. I wonder if the monogamous values my coworker has will be challenged and what that will be like for her. I wonder how much he will be worth to her. I wonder how my poly values will be challenged and how much that will be worth it.

Right now, it's the beginning time for them when generally people are still feeling autonomous from new partners and are able to make statements such as "you do what you want in life" with confidence that they can separate themselves quite well because it doesn't feel foreign to do so. Given time, often people merge until it becomes impossible to be okay with watching a partner spend time with another person that they know they have a connection with. Such scenarios for Ken and me come to mind, such as his coming to my burlesque shows, or going on the poly camp trip together at the end of the summer.

Burlesque shows and poly camp or going to various events I host might become a thing of the past for him and that would be sad for me. Its his choice. It happens that way when new people come into any relationship dynamic. What was once a normal activity becomes a threat or isn't interesting any more. We aren't partners, just friends, and it shouldn't matter. The thing is, I don't really know how to be friends with him in this way. I guess this is my learning curve. What I do just won't be as interesting. That's how it goes when someone new comes along. Not much different than any other poly dynamic. NRE abounds for him I am guessing, just as it would if we were dating.

I told him to stay true to himself yesterday. I hope he makes choices that reflect what he thinks and feels and not for other people. We talked a bit about making choices that come from thinking about what we want, need and what feels right to us, what resonates with ourselves rather than because someone else is confident in what resonates for them. I hope he found some value in my saying what I did yesterday and doesn't take the easier route of following what anyone else thinks he should do.

Regardless of what I agreed to, I must admit I am preparing for some shit hitting the fan. Wouldn't you know, she's off work for a month and comes back to work the same week that Mono's lady friend comes back to town. Stay tuned this September when Redpepper loses her mind! ;)
 
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My friend wrote on her blog a post about what it means to be completely open and free from the shackles of fear and attachment. I would add certainty and doubt. They are shackles also.

She reminded me how, when I open myself up, I become vulnerable but that beyond that there is complete freedom. Fear and vulnerability disappear. Emotion becomes so deep, it's almost shattering. It's so loud. It feels like floating weightless on an ocean, lost at sea, but knowing the shore is close at hand and it's swimmable to reach it.

I was reminded that events unfold, regardless of my clambering to control them. Everything passes. If I can reach that place of openness then I will be free from all of that and even if that floating feeling comes and goes in a moment, once reached I can obtain it again. This is what I stay awake for at night. This is what I practice over and over. I am working on finding that place of "open" so I can find it when I want to find it, so it will give me perspective and releases me from control.

To do that, I let my mind wander where it will. I have given up trying to control it. It's led to my burn-out. I decided there must be a better way to deal with things that haunt me. I lie there, huddled with the blanket up to my mouth, fearful of every thought that comes to mind. I suppose some people in the poly world would call it jealousy or envy, but really, it's all just fear. Jealousy and envy occur in that moment of being informed of something that could be a threat. Allowing that to fester without working through it is what jealousy and envy are to me. Working on that feeling, pulling apart the emotions that tangle together in jealousy and envy is something different.

I allow myself to fear in bed at night. Then I mold it. I've discovered that I can stand outside of it and look at it. When I do that I can pick pieces of the scenario and let my mind go from what I know to is happening, to what could happen. Every scenario plays itself out until there is nothing more I can think of. It's an exercise in futility to am extent because I can't predict what will happen, but I find some kind of comfort in being prepared for anything. It allows me to find that moment of openness. I eventually reach a place where I float and feel shattered emotionally. Euphoric and exhausted. A world where only I exist. Finally I sleep.
 
Did I ever mention I have the best girlfriend ever? Derby is one of a kind. She really is an inspiration to me. I have learned so much from her about how to remain grounded in my emotions and know they will pass in time, regardless of how I respond to them. She is a rock to me in so many ways. I am really fortunate she is in my life.

This weekend she asked me if she could take me on a secret date. I made the arrangements to have Saturday afternoon off and went to her house. She got me in her car and drove for about 45 minutes to a remote spot where she turned off the highway and went along a country road. All the while we chatted excitedly about things going on in our lives and the lives of others. The windows were down, the sun was hot, the radio on. Just the drive thrilled me to bits. :)

I watched out the window until finally she turned off into a long driveway surrounded by fields of grape vines. She was taking me to a vineyard! It was beautiful! Queen Anne's lace in between the rows, crickets buzzing, dry yellow grass and the grapes bursting into fruit on the vines.

We sat in the shade on the patio, the other patrons glowing in the sun. It was quiet except for chatting, cutlery and glasses coming together and wait staff reading out the specials. We had a delicious meal and wine pairings, then coffee, before we walked hand-in-hand among the vines.

At one point, I turned and held her face close to mine, pulled her in closely so our hips met and gave her a long meaningful kiss. It made me weepy to be there with her. I weep now at the memory. What does this beautiful woman see in me, feel about me, that she would create such a wonderful moment? I loved her so deeply then. These are the moments I will cherish as I grow older and time passes. I am incredibly blessed.
 
Marksbabygirl has been visiting, staying at Derby's house. We all went out to karaoke the other night. Fun times. It was really great to meet you the other day, Jane. :)

I feel like I haven't written for ages. There is so much going on right now I haven't had a chance and can't seem to find where to start.

Ken texted me today, before the week we agreed upon. I didn't mind. I thought it was kind of cute and was really pleased to hear from him. I can't believe its only been a week! It feel so much longer.

It seems that the purpose of our not spending time together might have been lost on him. The idea was for me to stay away so that he could have a chance to talk to his new girlfriend about what her expectations were for a relationship with him. I have been waiting to find out if I was right and that she would not be willing to tolerate him having another person he loves in his life.

It doesn't sound like he has asked her about her feelings and thoughts about people loving more than one, even if that love is not acted on romantically. I don't think he has talked with her about his loving more than one person. I don't know for sure, though. We are hoping to find a time to phone each other. After that it will be two weeks before we talk again if we agree that the course of action we are on is a good idea. If he does talk to her and finds that she is okay with him loving me as well as her, then this whole separateness is for nothing and we will have to figure out what to do next. I am hoping I will be forgotten and that he will find he only loves her, that my even mentioning that he loves me will become a joke to him and feel like a coat that is too small, awkward. I don't know if that is possible, but maybe after the two weeks I will be a faint memory. I miss him though, and that will never change for me.

Things with Brad are going swimmingly. We have enjoyed many moments of joy together this summer. I especially liked our camper van date where we looked at the moon over the ocean and drank coffee, with candles everywhere.

He is very similar to me in many ways. This is amusing and puzzling. I can see more clearly how people who have to deal with me would need to process how I am. He is organized, forthcoming with thoughts and questions, likes to have a plan before doing something, considers details and people involved in everything he does. He's selfless in his interactions with others yet has a need for a clear procedure in activities and when dealing with issues. I swear we could organize the Olympics in our hometown easily! :p

The inclusivity of Brad's wife in our relationship I find to be a lovely change to what I have had in my life thus far. I am thrilled to bits that she is loving, caring, expresses her feelings and thoughts to me with a concern that makes me realize that she wants what is best for herself, but also to make sure that in advocating for herself, she knows that Brad and I have needs and requests of our own that might not include her. I am sure, at this point, that I can go to her about anything. I think I can relax into what is possible with them, rather than feel like an outsider that is no more than a fun time every now and then.

Brad, his wife, and their boy are becoming close to me. I feel I would be missed if I weren't there. I feel as if I am cherished and appreciated as an addition to their family. It makes me feel safe and confident about the future. I want to find ways to give to them and nurture what we have. I want to help nurture what they have together and support both of them in their new poly life.

Brad is becoming part of my life, although I don't include him in my life as much as they have included me in theirs. I think that could take some time. There is a lack of trust due to the pain of my break-up with Leo. I am not willing to rush into anything that involves my other loves. They aren't either.

In a few weeks we are going camping together, Brad, his family and me. Derby may come out to visit and LB will be with me for a night with his friend. Brad's boy will be there, but other than that, Brad will have his two ladies with him, all cozy and working together as a team. :) It makes me very happy that he can have that. I know something of what it feels like to be surrounded by people who love you.
 
I'm pooped out. Really. Ha! I'm going full throttle in so many areas of life. Most of which I can't talk about here. Sigh... Here goes. Will try and write a bit because it always helps.

I had a fantastic day yesterday. I went to a electronic music festival with my husband of 11 years this weekend. The night before we celebrated by going out for dinner. Later I spent the night in my own bed with Mono as a guest. He complained that I wasn't sleeping with my husband on our anniversary. Seriously, it makes no difference any more who spends time when and on what occasion, yet he clings to our old mono ways. Well, his mono ways. PN and I have never been regular in our marriage. Why start on our 11th anniversary. It was a lot to even go out for a meal! The flowers and card blew me away, lol! :D I'm blowing PN away tonight with a toast at dinner with my parents a card and a present. The parents love to hear we are still going strong and doing fine. ;)

So back to the festival... PN, LB and I wandered down to meet up with Brad, his wife and boy. LB spent the whole time quietly sitting amongst the dancers and crazy costumes. He was overwhelmed I think, but I was also wondering if he has noticed that we spend a lot of time with Brad and his family.

Brad's boy is 4 and LB is 9. LB asked if he is suppose to look after him at one point. I explained he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to but I asked that he at least be polite to the boy. I wonder how much he misses Leo's kids, his friends of three years and whether he is processing the loss of them. I suspect that PN and Mono are also processing that too as they have been weary of inviting new people into our lives. So far I have left it alone and continue to explore my new relationship and the depth it could have.

Brad and his wife have invited me in and opened their hearts almost entirely it seems. Such as it goes when new to poly. Open to everything is how it rolls. I am flattered and honoured and also apprehensive myself. It seems so delicate to be so open now. So trusting. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want my loves to be hurt, I don't want to hurt them and I don't want, most of all, my boy LB to have to mourn any loss on my part. Its part of life, but its taken its toll on me this last year knowing I had something to do with causing it.

Brad's family is going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the moment in regards to other relationships going on in their lives. It reminds me of what my life was like about four or five years ago. Its tiring, makes me impatient and due to those involved, causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. Its to do with Leo's wife.

This community is way to small sometimes for me who has been told by someone in their past that they never want to see me again. Its really impossible to NOT be in someones life in some way when you are in a community of poly people. Now I have found that my metamour is possibly interested in a woman that is also connected to this same person and I am again stressed and anxious about what might come and how to make myself scarce.

It came to a head for me last weekend when there was a swingers party put on by some friends of mine that a group of my friends were going to including my gf and her husband. I don't swing at all but it was a social gathering with some cock sucking etc. as part of the entertainment. Whatever, I know where I stand on all that and that is good enough for me. I purposely didn't go so that Leo's wife didn't want me in her life didn't have to see me. I am trying to be repsectful of her space in the community, but I find myself unable to be when it pushes my boundries. I did that for a lot of my relationship with her husband and I got resentful that night of how much I am honouring her request for me to not be in her life. I have come to the conclusion that if she has a problem she can make some choices too to not be in mine. For some reason I didn't think of that before now. I've decided to let it go and just do whatever suits me. See if that ends my anxiety.

Some input on where she is at and where Leo is at would be welcome at this point as time changes things and they might not care as much as I think they do. Although I've posted this now and part of their beef with me is that I write this blog with them in it. As if everyone knows who they are. I've been on the verge of just contacting them and finding out where they are at actually. If it weren't for the situation between them and Brad's family I likely would of by now. Part of me thinks its them that should reach out. After all it was them that said some nasty stuff to me.

Ken texted me this week a day before the agreed upon end of the week. He asked how I was and told me he missed me. He asked to call sometime but has made no attempt. I wonder if its because I explained to him again what it would take to be able to spend time together again. Again I explained that he needed to talk to his new mono gf about what she would like to have with him in terms of a relationship. If she says she is okay with him loving others but not being romanticly involved, perhaps we can resume our friendship. If she freaks on that idea then I will say "merry meet, merry part and merry meet again" and let it go until another time. I have three days of work with her coming up this week and I can feel the stress rising because of it. She's been off for a little over a week and will be off again for another chunk of time after. Having the space to breath and let time work stuff out has really helped.
 
Busy fall coming up... Starting a burlesque troupe after almost two years of performing, choir starting up again with the promise of more solo parts, the poly women's group I facilitate is starting up again after a summer off (we have our big summer party this Friday), poly pub night continues monthly, Mono's lady friend comes home and we shall see where that situation is for him, my co-worker is back from holidays, and a new relationship to make room for more than ever. :) so excited. And so busy.

Deciding to let go of a bunch of stuff that keeps me from being free in my mind. Its liberating and the more I practice the better I get. I care less and less about what others are doing and more and more about what I can do in life. I have made some good choices in who I spend my time with and have much to be thankful for today.
 
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I realised tonight that its pain as much as stress and anxiety that keeps haunting me. Its hard enough to hear about what Leo is doing and then to somehow remain seperate when my metamour is struggling? Sigh... Have to be a big girl now and stay away as well as be supportive somehow.

Thing is its nothing that anyone is doing that makes it hard for me. Leo's wife is just living her life, as is my metamour. Its their common bf that is a newb and is struggling to handle the situation they are in with integrity and consideration for all. I wish he'd get some help. He's failing miserably in many ways I think and as a woman that successfully balances four relationships I can see his pit falls. He'll learn I guess and like those before him, break some hearts along the way.

I realised that I really have no hope of fully making up with Leo at this point in light of the situation I'm in... :( I just want some peace with it ya know? An agreement that what's done is done, its water under the bridge and past. I won't be getting that soon.

I did reach out to Leo's wifes ex however and say hi. They aren't together any more so I took it upon myself to create space to talk if he wants to. It was largely because I met him for coffee one day that my break up with Leo was created. At least I have patched that up in time for the possibility of her ex being in my life in some way. I now won't have to avoid him too.

Little by little it will work out. I hope.
 
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I read back what I wrote last night to see if my midnight rambling would be helpful. I am so glad to not be new to this poly thing any more. I knew that in deciding to date a newbie I would spend some time dealing with newbie stuff. I get why seasoned poly people don't date newbies... But, I love him and his wife and I would have it no other way. Here I am and I intend to see it all through.

This morning I got a very apologetic and sweet email from Brad's wife. I can handle just about anything if I know people are aknowledging my feelings and are aware of what I am going through. I really appreciated that she understood that this whole thing might be hurtful to me and that is really all I needed to find a place in myself to be extra supportive.

I feel for her, she's been pushed to the edge by this man in her life and expected to blow off her feelings. He doesn't operate like she does and doesn't get why she is so hurt. Mind you, I don't know how much she has told him of how hurt she is.

I don't know his wife, but perhaps she is able to handle more than Brad's wife. Maybe he doesn't get that not everyone can? I admire Brad's wife's depth of feeling and concern. She hasn't been thoughtless in her pain. She has thought of how Leo's wife might feel and her bf and wishes she could walk out of her feelings. Thing is he has neglected to tell her about sexual experiences he's had with their friends, about plans he has made without her and has struggled to keep her in mind through some major decision making.

To me it looks as if he doesn't care about her as much as he says he does. His actions don't reflect that to me anyway. It looks more like he is working from a place of his own feelings on everything than that of others. It seems selfish to me, but I know I am only getting one side of the story.

If there is one thing I have learned being the gf and wife of many its that I need to weigh up every ones feelings and my own, decide on a course of action that considers everyones feelings and then wade into it very slowly, looking for pitfalls all the way. I find it better to wade in more slowly than any of my loves think is necessary because something seems to come up every time.
 
Well, it seems to be going okay that my co-worker is back. She doesn't appear to have any clue as to what kind of loss I feel and that's perfect for me. I feel the loss of Leo over again and of Ken. Double whammy these days but I am managing.

This past weekend I spent part of it on the island that my parents have a house on. The very one I talked about back in 2009 that they were about to build. The spend a lot of time their and invited all of us to visit this past weekend.

I made a nice dinne. My parents pulled the table out onto the deck and set it up with wine glasses and nice linen. I wanted to make a toast to PN and give him a gift for our anniversary.

When we had finished eating I pulled out a little box and a card for him. In the box was a music box that played "imagine" by John Lenon. The words fit how PN thinks and his hope for the world is expressed in those words. I raised my glass to our 11 year marriaged and shed some tears as I said to him and all those around the table that "I might share my heart with many but I married the right man."

It was a loving shared moment. We talked about our wedding day and LB asked questions. Mono sat back and looked content with the event. My parents loved hearing my heart felt toast and everyone was jolly :)
 
"I might share my heart with many but I married the right man."

This.

Each year my bond with MrS gets deeper and stronger. We love and like each other more with each passing year. People may question how poly and marriage can be compatible; my marriage may be different than what many people envision marriage to be...but my journey has been immeasurably enriched by sharing it with this particular man. Lucky girl!

Happy Anniversary RP and PN!

JaneQ
 
Considering my previous role as secondary today... Stuff to do with my expectation of more consideration than it was considered my due. I was a secondary in every sense of the word. Disposable and not the same value as a wife and anyone who came before me. I was expected to not ask to be considered, just be entertaining until the novelty wears off or I become a pain in the ass.

Sigh :(

Thankfully my new BF does not consider me this way and we are working towards a better understanding of "secondary." He's awesome and we are a good match in terms of ethics.
 
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Mono goes on a four day bike trip starting today. He takes the 3pm ferry off of our island and then hits the main land and mountains for a glorious weekend ride with his buddies. He plans to not wash or shave for the whole trip. Last night he shave up (he shaves just about everything) we had a shower and had an early night of closeness.

My skin smells like him as I crawl out of bed for another work day this morning. I miss him already. :(
 
I had a nice date with Brad today at an art gallery. It was probably the coolest place in town. I enjoyed their air conditioning. We don't generally use air conditioning here as it never gets too hot or cold. Today however it was 30 degrees Celsius. Yeah, I know, not as hot as elsewhere, but when you haven't had that in over a year it felt hot!

The artist we saw was William Kuralek, one of my favorites from my childhood. He was a Canadian pioneer and folk story teller with his paintings. Not to mention he painted in a city near where I grew up. My brother and I pored over a book my parents had when we were teens. I talked about him with Brad as we went from painting to painting and was so thrilled that he was interested. The time wasn't good for anyone else but him and me, so I was glad that at least one of my loves could come with me. It was the third time I had been there.

Brad and I have been planning our weekend camping trip with his wife. It's coming together nicely. We have a treasure hunt planned, hot dog stick making and tie-dying. LB and his best friend will bring their bikes.

I have a little bit of apprehension about meeting Brad's wife's boyfriend, who also dates Leo's wife. I am concerned that what he has heard about me will sway his opinion of me before he even gets there. He probably won't talk to me much, but it still concerns me. It'll be fine, I'm sure. I planned the treasure hunt for then so hopefully an activity will bring everyone together, including the three 9 year old boys that will be there-- LB, his best friend and this man's boy.

I talked with Ken on the phone this week. We said our goodbyes. He told me he now understands why I backed out of our friendship so that he could discover all he could with my co-worker. He said I was right, she is very monogamous and that she would've felt very threatened with me in his life, as his feelings for me have not and will not change. He can understand that that would make both of our work lives difficult and that it makes sense to just not go there. He has decided that his new girlfriend is worth the effortm and that I can be put on a back burner. I told him I wouldn't act as a go-between. I won't be talking about either of them to the other. I will text him when I feel like it and he can do the same, but that is now the extent of our relationship.

Its bittersweet. I am happy for them, but sad for me, and I miss him. It's not the same sadness as missing Brad when I don't see him for a week (our usual), but the kind of missing that is hopeless. I've felt it too much this year. It leaves a hurt in my throat.

I am beginning to spend time with horses again. The friend whose wedding I went to in Vegas invited me to come and help her muck the horses at the stables she rides at. The owner is okay with me riding, so long as she is with me for the first times.

This makes me happy enough to cry. I never thought I would be on a horse again without someone leading me down a path holding the reins. I used to show jump when I was a child and was really good at it. It was one of the few activities I loved. I was put in many different after-school activities and that was the only one that stuck. I spent every weekend with my co-owned horse "Lexington." The experience of mucking the horses and bringing them in for the night has brought back a ton of good memories. :)

Mono's crush came back yesterday. I have gone into protect mode with him a little. Asking him questions like when he is going to see her? Has she started texting him yet? Is he excited that she's back? Reminding him of various things he said to me about her. I am testing him, to see where he is at.

He tells me not to worry. He thinks its unlikely that he will text her anymore, likely won't be going out for coffee with her, has no intention of starting anything up with her again.

I reminded him that he said that he is used to saying good-bye to people, then picking up where he left off as soon as he sees them again. I expect he will do the same with her. He didn't have anything to say about that.

Now I wait until he comes back from his trip and a time when he sees her again. I will do my best to not think about it too much. I hope I will ease nicely into them being friends without too much need for working on my issues. Ha! Fat chance. Bottom line is that I don't want him to see her. I don't want to deal with it. I want him all to myself as promised. That's that. I am such a child. :rolleyes: I realize that makes no sense, so I'm fighting those feelings. I'll deal with it if need be.
 
Please don't waste energy stressing about what the boyfriend will think (easier said than done huh?) I always get the impression women are more gossipy than men, be it to warn or put down or talk about each others love lives. Men usually strike me as more interested in making their own observations and decisions about a person, at least I've watched the ones I'm close to hear all sorts of things about romantic interests, and not care about anything other than the interaction they have with the person themselves.

It has been awhile now since you and Leo broke up, I don't remember ever getting the impression that you did, or thought you did, something wrong. Not sure what conclusions you came to when you went over this whole thread for introspection like you said you were going to do. I don't know if you think Leo & and/or his wife are saying things that ring true for you or just spouting BS. I was trying to look over the past to try to brush up on what happened, and I ran into some stuff you wrote in January about her going out with somebody you'd been talking to then having sex with them quickly (not 100% sure if this was the guy Leo broke up with you over).

I got the idea that you felt in a bit of a competition with her, and of course at that time were frustrated by your agreements to not be sexual with him, and then you found out she was not OK with you and Leo having sex. I wonder if you still feel in competition with her in some way, maybe just as a poly person. Maybe you are feeling upset you didn't do things differently/change agreements with Mono then and there, and it is coloring how you see things. I can tell that you are really uncomfortable hanging out in similar social circles but I'm not clear on how much of that is just your perception of the situation.

You posted a lot at that time before you broke up about how seeing Leo was stressful, I'm not clear if it was just the non sexual bf thing, you are clear that you two agreed you had different love languages, desires, and so on for a relationship. I just want to say I hate seeing that you are still being affected by it over 6 months later, when at the time it always seemed like you were trying to be clear and honest and loving. Maybe you should reread your posts in February about how you know you didn't do anything wrong?

Sigh anyway, I just don't like you still being tortured by this, maybe its a west coast female support thing? I know the whole issue is wrapped up in a confusing tangle with Leo and the woman Mono was talking with coming back, and new stuff with Brad and the horrible high school feeling of "that girl is talking shit about me and I don't know whats being said and I feel kinda paranoid every time I meet somebody new who might think badly of me". I wish I had a good suggestion, but I'd just say if you have a counselor, ask for some, or pick up your favorite book that reminds you that you're awesome.
 
Anneintherain- thanks for writing. :)

For the record, I was lead to believe she jumped into a sexual relationship with both feet and yes that was hard for me due to the status of my relationship with Leo. It made me angry and resentful, not towards her, but about my own situation. It felt unfair. That has since been resolved between Mono and me, My new relationship with Brad includes sex.

I talk to the man she was with often now. This is a new man I will meet on Saturday. The man she was with back then is the husband of Derby's love interest now. I am glad to create some water under that bridge now, as it makes socializing a lot easier.

Anyway, we never talk about what happened for him back in January, so I don't know what happened there. I don't care to know. Its nothing to do with me. I figure that if there is a direct reason to talk it out then its worth hashing out details, but if there is no direct reason then its his story to tell. He knows mine already.

I told him way back that I was not going to pursue a friendship with him until he and Leo's wife were not together any more. They aren't now, I am told. Back then I had heard that she said she would rather not have him in her life, if it meant I would be in her life more. I took that very seriously and have done everything I can to not be. This city is small though and it's impossible, so I've given up at this point. It was making me anxious and resentful to be constantly concerned for her wellbeing. It just seemed ridiculous and futile for me to be that considerate of her feelings.

As an aside: its interesting to me that I have also backed out of Ken's life with the same kind of idea, of allowing Ken and my co-worker's relationship to be Redpepper-free, so as to allow their relationship to flourish. Just put that together actually. Need to think more on that.

This is a hot topic in my life right now, as Ken's ex has been talking to various people in my community. It's a very sensitive area for me in general for various reasons. In a nutshell I was taken to court once by a woman who turned out to have borderline personality disorder and although the case fell through for her, it scared me greatly. I miscarried at three and a half months as a result, from stress.

Ken's ex has the same diagnosis as the woman who took me to court. I've had therapy, yet I continue to search for that place in me that doesn't give a shit what people think. I am actually closer than it reads here. All of this past year has helped with that. Instead of burying the experience, I have embraced it with open arms and walked through it. This weekend will be a moment of doing that again, but I am strong. I think it will be more interesting than painful.

It's actually less of a deal than comes across here. Mostly I'm excited about meeting my bf's wife's bf. Ha! Catch that? She and I have talked a lot about their situation and it will be nice to put a face to the words.
 
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I feel a bit out of control right now and am hoping that by processing here I will get my ducks in a row.

Met Brad's wife's bf who is also seeing Leo's wife while camping with Brad this weekend. Apparently they are just friends though, but who knows what is going on. Anyway, he was grascious enough to include me in their conversations and talked mostly to Brad and I at first. We talked about movie mostly.

I met his kids and wife too. The boy asked me several times why my boy, LB, wasn't there as he has been expecting to meet him. Unfortunately the treasure hunt I had planned was not going to work as LB and his best friend had to leave before they got there. I asked if they would be interested in doing it at another time and they seemed to be open to that.

Later I talked to the wife of the couple and we had a long chat about poly dynamics and the importance of pacing, consideration of everyone involved, not taking on other peoples issues yet respecting that they have them etc. They are all very new and she pointed this out several times. The communication thing seems to of had its doors opened wide for all of them. It was exciting to see how excited she was. She seemed to think that at some point there would be some settling and we laughed that after 13 years (?) Of doing this, the settling is very short lived.

We made them a fantastic salmon dinner and all were quite settled and relaxed by the time they left. I was so nervous ahead of time. Brad held me as I cried in fear of what they might think of me. I was out of my element without the support of Mono, Derby and PN. I rely on them to turn to, but found that Brad was there for me. It was a moving and special moment for us. One of many this weekend.

Back to work and to the return of my co-worker. Its going pretty well. She is consumed with several things in her life and I think she thinks I made a choice between Brad and Ken. I didn't, as I don't pick favourites as a rule, but if she is happy with that, then I will be too. We don't talk about Ken or our relationship lives at all. I don't know if that will ever change, but for now at least we are able to work together. My ultimate goal.

Mono came back from his trip and hasn't been enitrely present. I haven't heard much from him other than his retirement stress. He commented on the lack of talking about anything deep for four days and I took that to mean that I should not talk about stuff. So I haven't. I don't do well with that, but I don't know what else to do.

There has been little opportunity to talk anyway, but really I don't think he wants to get into anything major and wishes I would go elsewhere for that. I told him I just want to be near him and that is all. If we spend dates having sex and just sitting together, that would be fine.

Mono's crush interest is back and posting all over his fb again. I heard her voice on the phone too. I don't know if she is also texting, but her presence is very "there." I asked him for reasurance once and he has given it to me in the form of blowing off any kind of connection with her. I am trying to trust that as I owe it to him to believe that, but its hard. He doesn't tell me anything and when I ask I get so much information on what they talk about that I am blown away after at how much contact they have. Or I percieve they have. I just keep breathing.

Derby is on holiday. I meet her at polycamp in NW Washington this next weekend. I can't wait to see her. It sounds like she is having a fabulous time traveling with her family. She needed the break.

I decided to do a burlesque number at camp. I'm more nervous that ever. Something about it is different and more intimate. I have two shows coming up after it that have got me right back into the swing of it.

PN has been emailing back and forth to an ex of his that I once new on the forum. Stories of her are on this blog from way back in the summer of 2010. I'm happy for him. I don't know if it is going anywhere, but I am happy they are enjoying each others company again.

LB did really well camping without his dad and best buddy. He had his best friend there though and the two of them were a pleasure to be with. They played a little with Brad's boy who is five years younger than they are. I got a bit of child free time for half the weekend as PN came and got the boys on Saturday afternoon. We all went for a hike to a nearby falls, had a snack and they headed home.

Tonight is poly pub night and Brad and PN are coming with me. The evening divided between the two. Tomorrow I am seeing a movie at a drive in with Brad and Mono. The next day I am visiting with my ex wife who is in town and packing for camp. This weekend I will be off line for three days... Sweet bliss with three of my loves at poly camp. "! Is coming too. I will be wishing Brad was there and Ken too as he originally was going to go. Still, I need the break and it will be super fun.
 
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Mono and I had a blow out yesterday. He came back from his trip straight into seeing his friend that he has a crush on and hasn't done any of the things I requested. I called him on it yesterday. It ended in a fight.

I don't do well with vague responses to questions but that's what I got from him. I can't figure out if it's just not a big deal to him or if he is hiding something. Maybe he is simply overwhelmed. He won't say either way how he is feeling about anything and hasn't given me any indication that what I ask is true or false. Questions like, "Are you going to see her?" are answered with laughs and words that avoid what I am asking. Frustrating.

I suspected that he just wasn't thinking about it at all, so I asked after a while of yelling, and he said he wasn't, actually. For some reason, this set me off more than ever. I reminded him that I had asked for reassurance from him where she is concerned. When she came home she was immediately writing on his FB wall, and was around in his life. Everything from before she left came right back to me.

I'd asked that he reassure me when she came back. I would have liked him to ask me how I was doing with her return or given some indication that my place in his life was solid. What with his distraction over retiring soon, I am often left feeling ignored and disconnected. I take it on as her being his focus.

I don't think he gets why I feel this way. He was dishonest and hasn't won back my trust. I'm sorry that it takes time and effort and that he would prefer I just get over it, but I can't without his help. I must decide how to handle it.

At this point my choices are limited. I am going to work on being more approachable so that he feels he can talk to me. I don't really know how to do that. I wouldn't have half my concerns if he had done what I asked of him. Now I have to find reassurance elsewhere.

I just have to drop it and carry on with other distractions. I could pick any number of things to do, but they all lead me to being further and further from my already tenuous connection to him. We haven't had a moment to reconnect since he got back and I don't see that coming. It scares me. I guess I just have to trust in the universe that this is how it is and that everything will play out as it will.

Ideally, in time, my goal is to be perfectly fine with his wanting to spend time with her. Right now, I don't see how I will ever be okay. I told Mono that.
 
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