Redpepper's journey

A minute at a time. That's advice I have been trying to live by. My anxiety, fear and despair spiked today while Mono was at work and I reminded myself that I will not fall over, I will not vomit, I will not lose everyone and everything; I will move through each minute and will find the calm.

So much more to come I think but I am practicing with each breath.
 
Something you said earlier reminded me of this poem by Richard Brautigan. I empathize with what you are going through, and having a bit of a stressful time myself, so I've been keeping this in mind.

Karma Repair Kit: Items 1-4
1. Get enough food to eat, and eat it.
2. Find a place to sleep where it is quiet, and sleep there.
3. Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself, and listen to it.
4.


I hope you keep managing to take care of yourself, that's the important priority.
 
Today Mono decided (when I was in a feeling good moment), to stop by and visit with T at her work. He wanted to find out how she felt about their progression and ask her if she were really interested in seeing where they go. She is. He is. It is.

I found out he did this as he was doing it as I was texting, calling and messaging to see if I could see him quickly before returning to work. He texted me and said he was with her. I hit the roof. All the paranoia and distrust came up. All the threats, the fears... They all came up over the afternoon.

This morning I had a glimmer of peace, hope and happiness and now it's gone again.

Yes, folks. I am one of those poly posters who is losing her mind because their boyfriend is trying out poly. I can relate.... This is so fucked up. I feel like banging my head against a wall in the hopes I can just let it go and trust, have faith. What the hell is wrong with me? I should know that any connection he has to others doesn't diminish ours, yet the years of him telling me otherwise and my belief that he is different and that our love is different has fucked with my head. It's not different. Its the same ol' same ol.' I remain disappointed and right now, angry at the world.
 
Karma Repair Kit: Items 1-4
1. Get enough food to eat, and eat it.
2. Find a place to sleep where it is quiet, and sleep there.
3. Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself, and listen to it.
4.


I hope you keep managing to take care of yourself, that's the important priority.
number 1 seems covered for now. Number 2 isn't and neither are the others. Hmmmm. Something to think about.

Thanks. :)
 
Today Mono decided in a feel good moment to stop by and visit with T at her work. He wanted to find out how she felt about their progression and ask if she was really interested in seeing where they go. She is. He is. It is.

I found out he did this as he was doing it as I was texting, calling and messaging to see if I could see him quickly before returning to work. He texted me and said he was with her. I hit the roof. All the paranoia and distrust came up. All the threat, fear... all came up over the afternoon.

This morning I had a glimmer of peace, hope and happiness and its gone again.

Yes folks. I am one of those poly posters that is losing their mind because their boyfriend is trying out poly. I can relate.... this is so fucked up. I feel like banging my head against a wall in the hopes I can just let it go and trust... have faith. What the hell is wrong with me. I should know that any connection he has to other's doesn't diminish ours yet the years of him telling me otherwise and my belief that he is different and that our love is different has fucked with my head. Its not different. Its the same 'ol same 'ol. I remain disappointed and right now; angry at the world.

You're human, and change is hard to adapt to. How is it phrased on here...the new normal? You have to get used to it. What was is no more, and what was familiar has changed. Do as you've probably advised others to do in this situation. It's hard to take your own advice. I'm not the best at offering words of comfort, but I'm sure it'll be alright.
 
You're human, and change is hard to adapt to. How is it phrased on here...the new normal? You have to get used to it. What was is no more, and what was familiar has changed. Do as you've probably advised others to do in this situation. It's hard to take your own advice. I'm not the best at offering words of comfort, but I'm sure it'll be alright.
Thank you Matt.
 
My anxiety, fear and despair spiked today while Mono was at work and I reminded myself that I will not fall over, I will not vomit, I will not lose everyone and everything...

RP, this is very extreme. An actual feeling of nausea and of losing EVERYTHING because Mono has chosen to be poly, it just doesn't make rational sense, although I know it comes from deep within your psyche.

I recall going through a serious depression when my ex husband got a girlfriend. Even though we'd made the decision to try polyamory together, the reality of it turned out to be so unlike my imagining (so unpleasant), and I totally lost it.

My husband saw how low I had sunk and signed us up for marriage counseling. Our counselor almost immediately diagnosed me as having clinical (situational) depression, and recommended an antidepressant for me, which, along with therapy, helped a lot. It sounds to me like with your extreme feelings of loss and being abandoned by everyone in your life because of the actions of one person, maybe you need some professional help? Individual therapy? Couple's counseling for you and Mono?
 
Maybe I do, Mags. Although I get better every day. There are deeper issues, for sure, a lot of which I brought on myself by pushing people away. I hope to create a new balance created on a new foundation, one that is sustainable for me. Work in progress...
 
Chrysalis

Redpepper,

My name is Jim. I started reading this blog about a week ago, plus or minus. I started at the beginning and read it through to the current days.

You and I emote in very similar ways, from what I've read in your posts. I process things like this very hard and take on feelings from others, as well. It's grueling, sometimes. The phrase I use is "big feelings, big bruises." I know you're currently in a crucible of doubt and pain and feeling helpless at the moment. The good news is, I also know from this place you are in right now, an evolution will occur in you.

You will get through this. You will find your way through the "lost" and out of the dark.

Lots of people say we are "never given more than we can handle." The often overlooked and nearly never stated part of that idea is that sometimes we aren't given "any less than we can handle."

Take heart, friend, for this is not your end.

chrysalis chrys·a·lis noun \ˈkri-sə-ləs\
2: a protecting covering : a sheltered state or stage of being or growth- Merriam-Webster.com
 
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Redpepper,
My name is Jim.
I started reading this blog about a week ago, plus or minus. I started at the beginning and read it through to the current days.

You and I emote in very similar ways from what I've read in your posts. I process things like this very hard and take on feelings from others, as well. It's grueling sometimes. The phrase I use is "big feelings, big bruises." I know you're currently in a crucible of doubt and pain and feeling helpless at the moment. The good news is, I also know from this place you are in right now, an evolution will occur in you.

You will get through this. You will find your way through the "lost" and out of the dark.

Lots of people say we are "never given more than we can handle." The often overlooked and nearly never stated part of that idea is that sometimes we aren't given "any less than we can handle."

Take heart, friend, for this is not your end.

chrysalis chrys·a·lis noun \ˈkri-sə-ləs\
2: a protecting covering : a sheltered state or stage of being or growth- Merriam-Webster.com
Thank you Jim. Words I will read over and over again. Thank you
 
Still struggling to sleep. I wake at three in complete panic, full of tears and heart ache. Slowly I am not feeling like that every moment of the day, but changing to quiet resignation.

I find it hard to reach out to people, but know that if I do I might find some comfort. Somehow I don't feel worthy of that. Still, I'm pushing through with grounding, self-loving and concentrated focus on me.

I have a hard time believing that I am still Mono's Lilo in all of this. He is doing his best to show me, but I find it placating. He's bought parts to "two up" his bike so that I might ride with him. A huge change for him. He's encouraged us to make plans and keep talking and actively loving each other. All of this is mixed in with talk of his desire for time and intimacy with T. It's hard to swallow. but for some reason I need to know so as to make it real.

I've been talking with Brad regularly and with Derby. It's been slow going and awkward to find a place that works as a friendship between us. Early days yet. Lots in the works, I'm sure.

PN's lady needs more time and more space to consider a relationship with him. There are still reservations about his home life. He watches and listens as she continues to date yet spend really nice bonding times with him. I really hope his patience pays off.
 
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Ouch. It's so hard when we don't feel like the one we thought we were (re your comment of not feeling like his Lilo anymore). :( I remember feeling that way. It hurts.

The bike thing IS HUGE! I saw him post pics of you preparing to go for a ride. Have you let yourself really ponder how significant the changes within him are, to decide to ride double with you? I know. So much pain and hurt and frustration can be overwhelming and take over. Let yourself revel in the little gifts, like him prepping the bike for double riding.

It is hard to reach out when we are hurting! Even if we know we need support, we don't feel like we can ask for it. Sigh. :(

I have no great words of advice. But I'm still sending positive thoughts in your direction, and lots of hugs too.
 
Scrap the scab

It's sometimes difficult to find ourselves in the way people see us.
Life has its turns and its points d'attackes but, picking at ourselves as if we were a scab is one way the psyche stalls itself from realizing its potential.
I just spent a few days blocked off from life for similar reasons and going for that bike ride and just letting lose could be what you need! For me it was a quiet solo paddle in the Gully out back.

C reminded me rather forcefully that moping isn't solving.

:)
 
We've been celebrating LB's birthday at the my parents' island cabin. It's been a fun weekend of much relaxing. I almost slept last night. I'm hoping for a full night tonight. Something about the fresh air, quiet and change of scene. It's been out of the ordinary and that has been good.

PN has been distracted and somewhat grumpy. He's not really wanted to participate in events or activities and now, as I write, is preparing to set up bed in the car rather than spend another night in the cabin. I don't know what is going on, but he seems distant.

Mono has spent the day merrily chatting with T and engaging with the family, including my brother, stepsister and parents.

I seem to have fucked up communicating with T and don't know how to change that. She says she sees my grief as "slamming" Mono, when I talk to her. She doesn't get me, it seems. I am angry, in disbelief, sad, and waaaaay far behind their reality. Slamming him is part of that, I'm sure, but how do I get her to see my perspective? Oh, yeah. She's in lala-land over him. I doubt I can.
 
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We've been celebrating LB's birthay at my parents' island cabin. Its been a fun weekend of much relaxing. I almost slept last night. I'm hoping for a full night tonight. Something about the fresh air, quiet and change of scene. It's been out of the ordinary and that has been good.

PN has been distracted and somewhat grumpy. He's not really wanted to participate in events or activities and now as I write, is preparing to set up bed in the car rather than spend another night in the cabin. I don't know what is going on, but he seems distant.

Mono has spent the day merrily chatting with T and engaging in the family including my brother, step sister and parents.
I seem to have fucked up communicating with T and don't know how to change that. She says sees my grief as "slamming" Mono, when I talk to her. She doesn't get me, it seems. I am angry, in disbelief, sad, and waaaaay far behind their reality. Slamming him is part of that I'm sure but how do I get her to see my perspective? Oh, yeah. She's in lala-land over him. I doubt I can.


Your issues with him are germane to your relationship with him. I'm not sure that it's right or decent to lay your soul bare (or complain about him) to someone who doesn't want or need to hear it. Besides, if you were her, would you view someone like yourself as being remotely objective about Mono? I hope not.

Were I her, I'd avoid you like the plague, in a polite sort of way. Being in lala-land would have nothing to do with it.
 
Your issues with him are germane to your relationship with him. Not sure that its right or decent to lay your soul bare (or complain about him) to someone who doesn't want or need to hear it. Besides, if you were her, would you view someone like yourself as being remotely objective about Mono? Hope not.

Were I her, I'd avoid you like the plague, in a polite sort of way. Being in lala land would have nothing to do with it.
You're right. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear me complain.

I wrote her again last night and told her that my perspective and thoughts are skewed by grief and that it can be expected that I might come off as negative. The nature of my messages have been informative more than anything, as I haven't been sure she is being told why I am struggling so much. I asked her what her attraction was, as she knows what it's like to be involved in a cheating relationship and I am surprised she would not have some feelings about that kind of behaviour. I haven't mentioned my feelings towards him. But, yeah. It would come off as negative.

We seem to have some talk going on now. I'm understanding more. It's a start.
 
You're right. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear me complain.

I wrote her again last night and told her that my perspective and thoughts are skewed by grief and that it can be expected that I might come off as negative. The nature of my messages have been informative more than anything as I haven't been sure she is being told why I am struggling so much. I asked her what her attraction is as she knows what its like to be involved in a cheating relationship and I am surprised she would not have some feelings about that kind of behaviour. I haven't mentioned my feelings towards him. But ya. It would come off as negative.

We seem to have some talk going on now. I'm understanding more. Its a start.

I think I'm missing the cheating part. If you've already written about it somewhere in this tome, I apologize in advance for asking how their relationship got started? Was it an emotional or physical affair that you weren't aware of?
 
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