Morningglory's Awakening

Change, Motivation, Negotiation- applying business concepts to a relationship

Throughout periods of change, which is just about all the time people need to concentrate on going from change avoidance to change acceptance. Stages of change:

◦Denial — cannot foresee any major changes
◦Anger- at others for what they're putting me through
◦Bargaining — work out solutions, keep everyone happy
◦Depression — is it worth it? doubt, need support
◦Acceptance — the reality

The first reaction to change is often to resist it. People get comfortable living as they always have. This comfort provides them with the security that they are the masters of their domain. Some of the things that cause them to fear change include a dislike of a disruption in their lives, looking like a fool by not being able to adapt, sometimes the business of the relationship gets harder, and as always there is a fear of losing control.

So how do loved ones help the process. By changing the questions of resistance into questions/statements of acceptance:

From “Why?” to “What new opportunities will this provide?”
When a doubter asks “why,” focus on the benefits that the change will provide them in their relationship. Do NOT feel uncomfortable if you are feeling hesitation about the change too...you are also human.

From “How will this affect me?” to “What problems will this solve?”
Anything that prevents something from being better is a problem. So identify problems and be part of the solution.

From “We never did it/planned it this way.” to “What could this new dynamic look like?”
Compassion and honest sharing. Demonstrate sustained effort in getting all the possibilities out.

From “When will this change be over so we can get back to normal?” to “What can I do to help?”
Get involved, don't disconnect or expect change to implement itself. Again be part of the process.

The art of negotiation and changing ideas...made popular by The Beatles;)

http://youtu.be/wX72p1gcEVM

Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.


We can work it out,
We can work it out.


Think of what you're saying.
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right.
Think of what I'm saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.

We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.

We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.

Chorus:
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
:cool:
 
. . . I had my granny panties on for god's sake!:eek:

LOL, funny comment. I have recently just gone through my underwear drawer and tossed out all my old granny panties and replaced every single one of them with nothing but sexy panties. I used to have sexy ones for special occasions, but decided that every day should be a special occasion and reason to feel sexy. I'm wearing fishnets under my jeans right now - for no one else but me!

Loved your posting of the Beatles lyrics, too, btw.
 
Just out of my night class and have a minute

So I came across these articles when googling Open Marriage. I am not sure if they are somewhere else on the forum links but I am posting them here. One seems to be a few years old like maybe 2007? Not sure. Anyway sparked some thoughts.
Article 1
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/the-truth-about-open-marriage?page=2

Those who practice open relationships or polyamory often say they are "hardwired" this way and that laying the ground rules for multiple relationships spares everyone hurt and disappointment. Not everyone agrees, with some therapists calling the polyamorous model a recipe for hurt, disappointment, jealousy, and breakups. On one point all agree: a "poly" relationship isn't going to work unless all partners are in favor of the arrangement.

So what does this mean for the "hardwired" person if one or more partners depending on the arrangement is not, never has been or no longer in favor of a poly situation? :confused: I mean even if one is a proponent of monogamy from the getgo how do you all of the sudden negate the value of love for anyone? By this I mean: if monogamy is how I am wired, and I am involved with, married to or otherwise in a relationship with someone of a polyamorous/non-monogamous nature, it seems I am limiting myself by 1) denying myself or my lover the ability to fulfill needs 2) devaluing love in general because it is conditional and 3) setting myself up for failure because how could I possibly be everything to any one person. (I get on my own nerves at least twice a month!:eek:)

Article 2
http://newlyweds.about.com/od/lovesex/a/openmarriage.htm

Arguing that about half of marriages end in divorce and many married people are online looking to have affairs, Block says that humans are not monogamous by nature. She adds that when looking at the high divorce rate, no one would accept such poor results as grades in school or performance on the job. "Why should we accept these results in our personal relationships?" she asks. That's why she challenges readers to re-consider their relationships and lifestyles and determine what works for them – and not be limited by societal norms or traditions.

This is where I am. Challenging myself. This is somewhat new. Has been really difficult at times.:( I have doubted myself, my own abilities to juggle everything, as well as worried about my and my partners' commitments to our relationships. I have struggled with being a secondary, stuck in a kind of limbo not knowing from day to day what kind of earthquake was about to happen in my life. I have also had to recognize my contribution to the collateral damage of the jealousy, resentment and balance issues because of a multi-partnered arrangement.

It is the most complex and emotional challenge of my life thus far.
 
Last edited:
LOL, funny comment. I have recently just gone through my underwear drawer and tossed out all my old granny panties and replaced every single one of them with nothing but sexy panties. I used to have sexy ones for special occasions, but decided that every day should be a special occasion and reason to feel sexy. I'm wearing fishnets under my jeans right now - for no one else but me!

Loved your posting of the Beatles lyrics, too, btw.

Thanks nycindie! And good point. Everyday I do deserve sexy panties...and so do the fellas!:p But jeez I sure do like my hanes cottons too! Fishnets I LOVE!!!! They are really sexy and comfortable which makes the whole experience of wearing them better! So I do.
 
Fustrated!

Just no privacy! No freedom! No sustained happiness. Always interrupted. ALWAYS! Always rushed. Time, people, obligations, guilt, annoyance, tedious work, expectations! Blah, blah, blah complaints.
So friggin frustrated today.

On positive note...had a lovely lunch on a sunny day. Will hold onto that for minute!

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I am so needy.
 
Hi MG
Just wanted you to know that I am reading and enjoying your blog even though I haven't felt I have anything much to contribute.

Keep up the good work:)
 
Hi MG
Just wanted you to know that I am reading and enjoying your blog even though I haven't felt I have anything much to contribute.

Keep up the good work:)

Hello my dear Sage!! I am not so sure it is good work. From what I am reading today it has upset KT alot, and my love is feeling the repercussions of it. :(I put in the background info but I wanted to keep it topical rather than completely personal to avoid some of the really unnecessary bickering. However, even the background stuff has been bothersome.:eek:
I think it is important to get some of this stuff out, and for me to be able to "talk" about this alternative way of living my life. But it isn't really worth being the cause or catalyst or just even the last straw to anymore bad days for 2Rings... or for that matter KT. So unless I can keep it somewhat soft and completely about poly topics in general rather than personal events, I am not so sure I can continue the blog. Disappointing but a compromise.
Suggestions for keeping it general but thoughtful?:confused:
 
Last edited:
I know very little about 2Rings from this forum but I do feel like I have come to know something of you and Kat Tails. I will always try and be impartial because I see that you both have needs and hurts.

While I can understand that you would not want to inflame the situation with her and 2Rings I do think you need a voice too. If KT chooses to read this and is upset by it then that's her choice. I think that reigning yourself in to cause the least amount of pain is a slippery slope. It's like an artificial environment that won't be sustainable in the long term.
 
Let me agree with Sage, in a more blunt fashion.

This is your blog. YOUR blog. The blog that belongs to YOU. This is your place to get things off of your mind/chest, to vent if you need to - and you DO need to do this.

If she CHOOSES to read YOUR blog, that is HER choice - the choice belonging to HER. In this same vein, her reactions to it are HERS - the actions belonging to HER. Not to you.

You choose to write. She chooses to read. She chooses to react. You do not force her to read this or to react to it. Therefore, you have no reason to not write what you feel here, because she can always CHOOSE to not read it, or CHOOSE to react to it in a different manner. She is responsible for her own choices and actions, not you. Your actions and words do not neccesitate a response from her, or force her to react in a certain way.

Keep writing. This is for you, and it's something you need.
 
What Karma said. I've seen only respect from you to her on this blog. The same cannot be said about hers ...

Sage, Karma, TP, SN and everyone following along- Thanks guys! And let me start by saying I understand her posts have been out of frustration and fear.:( She is making a life changing decision. Attacking me when she is scared is not out of the ordinary. Most people would blame the other woman. But we are here on this forum because we (for the most part) are not really people who believe in the conventional wisdom of traditional relationships. That said I do not agree with her characterizations and some of it is just simply untrue. 2Rings does not comment much. He reads it almost daily. So what she says and does on here does not go unnoticed. They communicate alot. HE has worked really hard for years with KT to help her with depression. He has also ALWAYS maintained his family is his priority. His children are of utmost importance and come before KT and me. It is their daily homelife that is his concern. And rightfully so. He also takes care of his mother. A huge undertaking that has been HIS most of his life. He is stressed beyond belief, most men would have caved or checked-out long ago. He hasn't. He tries every day. He has done what it takes to keep some semblance of his family together. He is a good man- bottom line.

Now I am not going to say anything more on their relationship. I may comment about subjects that pertain to me and indirectly them but I have no intention of this being about KT. She is part of my life and always will be because 2Rings always will be. I respect her as a mother and a woman. She is an individual with her own trials and tribulations- and hopefully triumphs. I want her to be happy in her life, her happiness will always effect me (effect or affect:confused:). And of course 2Rings happiness is a priority. So that being said my lovely forum friends, thank you for supporting us. Your interest alone is astounding. xo
 
just a quick check-in

Constantly changing. No inertia here. Really great conversations with loved ones about poly. Of course I was careful as to whom I told about 2Rings and Hub's acceptance of this OSO.

2Rings went with me to meet a very close cousin of mine. She is an only child and so we kind of grew-up more like sisters. Hubs sometimes does sub-contracting for her husband- we are as I said a crazy close family. She is older than me so it was important for me to have her approval/acceptance of this relationship. I was sooo relieved a year ago when I told her and she totally understood from where I was coming. As a matter of fact her response when I disclosed this relationship (after a Pens hockey game and a few margaritas- and one Labatts;) was "I am sure if your marriage is strong enough to get over jealousy it would actually probably keep your relationship exciting and keep you both from becoming bored or complacent." Then she said, "Do you tell Hubs when you are out with 2Rings or do you keep it at 'out with a friend' ?" She was curious but totally ok with it.

Anyway I was soooo excited Saturday when he went out with the two of us and some of her friends to see a rock band performing at her local bar. They got along great, she totally approved of him("he's really nice and easy to talk to!") and inspite of the loud music they got to know eachother a bit- they grewup in the same area of the city and went to the same highschool. They even have their own inside joke about a magic microphone. :D So I was very happy in this small but significant acknowledgement of my OSO.

Well going to take a walk with my youngest daughter (home on Easter break)and my princess puppy. Happy Monday all...no really I hope it isn't a manic Monday for you!
 
Last edited:
Gotta question

Can someone from an established poly/mono relationship let me know what to expect from SO and OSO once we start introducing more home time with OSO. I am curious as to what is normal once 2Rings is able to spend more time with me at home what kind of issues to expect. i don't want to base assumptions on anything I have experienced with KT. I am trying to prepare me, hubs, kids etc. let me know what you think...
 
Can someone from an established poly/mono relationship let me know what to expect from SO and OSO once we start introducing more home time with OSO. I am curious as to what is normal once 2Rings is able to spend more time with me at home what kind of issues to expect. i don't want to base assumptions on anything I have experienced with KT. I am trying to prepare me, hubs, kids etc. let me know what you think...

His policy of DADT about my sexual practices with 2Rings is for his own protection according to him, and quite honestly it is appreciated. Other than knowing the basics of who, where and when will I be home, he doesn't seem to have the need to know. He is a thoroughly well-adjusted mono living with a poly wife. Maybe for other reasons, but jealousy hasnt been an issue.
.

Expect to work on the approach of DADT if you have more home/family time. Your hubs will likely have to face things he has avoided possibly. Now your boyfriend will be in his space...that will bring up challenges that may be similar to how 2Rings partner is doing.

Proceed slow and gently ;)
 
Expect to work on the approach of DADT if you have more home/family time. Your hubs will likely have to face things he has avoided possibly. Now your boyfriend will be in his space...that will bring up challenges that may be similar to how 2Rings partner is doing.

Proceed slow and gently ;)

That's a given. And we have slowly been moving towards more social interaction. thanks Mon. How did you handle being introduced to Pepper's nuclear family? what helped? what didn't work for you? his dadt policy is that he does not want to hear sexual details. or for that matter personal details that concern only 2rings And I. but point taken.
 
Back
Top