Hello, I'm confused.

Spock

New member
I'm the husband in a loving relationship. My wife has recently confessed she wants more, a lover, a boyfriend, and a second husband.

How is everyone? I'm struggling because, as a man, it is a lot more difficult for me to find other partners than she can, and so have to deal with staying home alone while she is out on dates. There is some jealousy there, but she has offered to help me review my OKC profile to see if that helps.

The current person she is starting to date has offered to find us/me a fourth to make it easier, but I'm worried its temporary and I'll be back to trying to find a date while she is having fun.

Of course she has mentioned I'm totally invited to the dates because she really wants to be with two men at once, so there is that.

The difficulty really is really that she is driving this, so is more motivated than I am. Can anyone just talk me through this if you've been there and done that?
 
I'm the husband in a loving relationship. My wife has recently confessed she wants more, a lover, a boyfriend, and a second husband.

How is everyone? I'm struggling because, as a man, it is a lot more difficult for me to find other partners than she can, and so have to deal with staying home alone while she is out on dates. There is some jealousy there, but she has offered to help me review my OKC profile to see if that helps.

The current person she is starting to date has offered to find us/me a fourth to make it easier, but I'm worried its temporary and I'll be back to trying to find a date while she is having fun.

Of course she has mentioned I'm totally invited to the dates because she really wants to be with two men at once, so there is that.

The difficulty really is really that she is driving this, so is more motivated than I am. Can anyone just talk me through this if you've been there and done that?

Welcome to the forum. You should read around a bit - it may be you can learn a lot from the experiences of others, already recorded here.

Could you clarify a few things?

- You say your wife "confessed she wants more." How much did you talk about what "more" might look like? Did you actually, explicitly agree that she could date other guys? Or did she just dive in and start, just because it's what she wanted?

(You say she is "driving this" . . . but you are involved in it, and your wants and needs and -most important - judgment and choice should matter, too.)

- Do you really want or need or choose to pursue another relationship on your own account, or are you doing it just so you won't be on your own while your wife is out with other guys?

- Being with two men may be your wife's fantasy, but is being with a man and a woman - or any two other people - your fantasy? Do you consider yourself bound to fulfilling your wife's fantasy?

It's hard to say much without knowing your answers to these - and other! - questions, but I have to say my first instinct is to say that, even though she's driving, the emergency brake is in reach. At the very least, you may need to slow the heck down and really talk through the implications of what's happening now.

As for whether it's really more difficult for men or for women to find other partners, well, that's a matter of some debate on the forum. You'll find whole, long threads about it. I'm agnostic on the question, myself.
 
Yeah, I'm starting to read around the forum, but I also just needed to talk to someone too. I don't feel comfortable bringing this up with friends so I've been feeling isolated.

She just kind of dived in and started several months ago under the pretext of going out for drinks with co-workers, and then being terribly upset when they wouldn't reciprocate her flirting (she was married, after all!)

We've talked about it and have both read the Ethical Slut after that; she has since then clarified and brought up that she misses the feeling, the rush, of falling in love, and that she really wants two cocks at once, and that she is in love with a co-worker who explicitly told her to:
1) Read the Ethical Slut
2) Talk to me
3) Said he just wanted to be friends

On my part I understand that I have clung to her entirely too much; that I had assumed as part of marriage that I was supposed to dedicate all of my attention towards her and that she is exhausted from it. I think part of the fun of dating is just getting a break from me. That still leaves me with unmet needs however since I had chosen to dedicate all of my attention to her, then now I need to find others to spend time with.

Short answer, no, I don't really need a second relationship except that my wife is unable to sustain/support the amount of attention and affection I ask of her sometimes.

And, yes, we have been taking it slow, insofar as she is concerned. I could probably say no outright and that would make her very unhappy.
 
That doesn't mean you need to find another relationship if you don't want to. Do you have any hobbies?

This is made harder by the fact that we are raising two kids, and my hobbies aren't very kid friendly; rollerblading and survival-horror video games. I also do photography.

The thing is though that I think I do need another relationship because I need people to talk to. I feel so much better just being on this forum, already, because I'm talking to someone about this. Outside of these past few posts there has been no one I can talk to except my wife, who already feels overburdened by how much I monopolize her time and energy.

It isn't fair that I take all of her time and energy; as a human she has the right to reserve some for herself and allocate to whom she wants, just like I have to right to ask her for time too.

It's just hard because I will be in starvation mode if I don't find other people to talk to, because there is no one else to meet my needs. The idea of poly isn't anathema to me, having additional partners, friends, lovers, etc, sounds good.

The hard part is actually finding them.
 
Not sure what you're confused about

it sounds like you are saying you are disappointed that it seems harder for you to find dates than your wife.

If you are sure that that is honestly the problem you are having, then it shouldn't be difficult to deal with a little bit of frustration from dating not being as successful as you want it to be.

the only time such a benign frustration will cause problems is when that isn't really what is going on.
 
I'm glad to hear you're finding the place useful. Your descriptions of you monopolizing your wife's time and energy or being in starvation mode if you're not with other people make it sound like you're a hard-core extrovert, so this may not work for you, but can you try being a little happier with and by yourself rather than relying on external validation? The "must meet new people" thing may be coming across as desperation in your dating life.

Disclaimer: I'm over on the introverted side of the fence, and having someone want to spend every waking moment with me would have me heading for the hills faster than you can say "psychic vampire".
 
You might want to settle down and figure out if you really are OK with this. Sometimes people only feel they have unmet needs because their spouse does. And that is a very normal reaction to have.

Sometimes it is less about the sex and the feeling of falling in love, and more about craving some time without having to be responsible.

Being a parent is an awful lot of responsibility that if you two don't find healthy ways to relieve that pressure and get a "vacation" from those responsibilities you will find yourselves filled with resentment and bitter

and it is something all parents have to deal with, I guess you need to take a moment to honestly figure out whether or not you will be able to handle this. It would really help of your wife chimed in too, as it almost sounds as if both of you are having trouble being getting relief from the pressure of life

Was she honestly upset that the flirting was returned?

that is being respectful until they understand that you are OK with that.

It sounds like your wife is in such a need to get a break from being responsible, that she is about to pop

might want to take some deep breathes, you really need to figure out what is really going on and how you are going to deal with it
 
Hey Spock,

It seems you are quite a social person. Well so am I so I understand :)
Childcare hinders my opportunity to socialise much also so we are in quite a similar position so feel free to talk to me. Having a friend to talk to and offload on might take some of the pressure off of your partner......
 
I'm not really an extrovert not a social person, ironically. I'm intensely attached and an introvert, meaning I pick very few close friends and dedicate a lot of attention to them. I don't want to misrepresent the situation.

Part of the issue is I/we thought it was supposed to be like this when we got married; that we were supposed to dedicate all of ourselves to each other. Another issue was the passing of my dad. I would normally spend an hour or so a day chatting with him, and switched my attention to my wife when he died.

So therein lies my disappointment; I have no one to share any of this with, and I can't really talk to my wife:
1) That would be monopolizing her time
2) She would feel attacked
3) She can't help because the times I need to talk, she is already out

Just being on this board, reading about others dealing with their emotions, getting people talking to me, and knowing I'm not alone has lifted a tremendous amount if the burden from my shoulders.

She has every intention of joining this board too, so I think it right I don't misconstrue her actions or motivations, and squarely couch things in the way I feel, I see, I am.
 
You might want to settle down and figure out if you really are OK with this. Sometimes people only feel they have unmet needs because their spouse does. And that is a very normal reaction to have.

I understand. I have needs for affection, companionship, and attention, pretty much like everyone does, but want to involve other people expressly so my wife doesn't carry the burden. I mentioned my dad's passing; he was my best friend and I think what I need is another best friend, more than a lover or girlfriend, but the reason I'm choosing poly is that I can't really talk about my situation with someone who isn't also poly.

Sometimes it is less about the sex and the feeling of falling in love, and more about craving some time without having to be responsible.

She and I have discussed that briefly. She really enjoys not being responsible sometimes and she pouts when I drag her back into the grind because she has a job, bills, and kids (with me!) together. At the end of the day, however, she really does want that job, her kids, and of course me.

Also, I do believe it is all of the love, the sex, and the freedom, since she is taking some of the NRE from her flirting/dating and channeling it into our own love life, as well as admitting she wants more than that.

Being a parent is an awful lot of responsibility that if you two don't find healthy ways to relieve that pressure and get a "vacation" from those responsibilities you will find yourselves filled with resentment and bitter

and it is something all parents have to deal with, I guess you need to take a moment to honestly figure out whether or not you will be able to handle this. It would really help of your wife chimed in too, as it almost sounds as if both of you are having trouble being getting relief from the pressure of life

That is also something we are working on. We only started dating again this year after 6 years of raising two kids nonstop.

Was she honestly upset that the flirting was returned?

She kind of flirting with guys she had crushes on, so yeah I think that would have been disappointing if they didn't return it affection.

that is being respectful until they understand that you are OK with that.

Oh, those guys were totally respectful about it (and in general it's a great trait because it means they aren't cheaters/adulterers/scum).

It sounds like your wife is in such a need to get a break from being responsible, that she is about to pop

might want to take some deep breathes, you really need to figure out what is really going on and how you are going to deal with it

We are working on it.
 
I'm not really an extrovert not a social person, ironically. I'm intensely attached and an introvert, meaning I pick very few close friends and dedicate a lot of attention to them. I don't want to misrepresent the situation.

So therein lies my disappointment; I have no one to share any of this with, and I can't really talk to my wife:
1) That would be monopolizing her time
2) She would feel attacked
3) She can't help because the times I need to talk, she is already out

Just being on this board, reading about others dealing with their emotions, getting people talking to me, and knowing I'm not alone has lifted a tremendous amount if the burden from my shoulders.

I hear ya. I'm an introvert too.

From what you said, it seems like you are not really hankering for a relationship per se but intimacy. You have focused all of your intimacy needs on your wife - which indeed is part of the mainstream model of marriage. But that intimacy can come from lots of different types of relationships - it does not have to be a romantic or sexual connection. See if your close friends would be open to talking with you about this. And if they are not, or if the risks of disclosure would be too great, I strongly suggest to you to go on a mission of finding a few more close, intimate friends.

Finding a close friend, particularly for an introvert, is a long term process that is generally not fast. You have to get out there and meet people - most of whom will not become a acquaintance, much less a good deep friendship. It's a bit like dating - you have to put into the time to get yourself out there so you have the opportunity to meet people you may click with. I'm working on this myself. Honestly it's kind of annoying. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run.

Good luck!
 
First, let me say that you sound, by your posts, quite calm, rational, and emotionally well composed with this whole new situation. If that is the case then I think you are in quite a good position for making the transition from your expected mono lifestyle to the new one (assuming that it is in fact a transition you want to make).

I have also found it very difficult to meet people, especially if you are looking for a straight women (sorry to generalize but it does seem to be the case), and if you are an introvert by nature. So if it helps at all, you arent the only one in this boat!

Having someone to talk to is very important. You shouldnt feel as though talking to your wife about your feelings, needs, and this new situation is monopolization, and I dont personally think that your wife should feel that way either. Just so long as the conversations are as even keeled as your posts and the topic isnt something that is the one constant point of discussion in your lives (even though it might be the singular focus in your mind most hours of most days).

You should also think about opening up to some of your other close friends or maybe family, provided your wife would be comfortable with that as well. Ironically enough once we started talking to people we have found out that, within our social circle, my wife and I are not the only ones with an open marriage!

The funny thing is, you may find that poly fits you more than you expect. My wife felt very similarly to you when I brought my needs to the table about 6mo ago. She always expected to be with me and only me, in love and devoted. But now, we are both happier than we have been in over a decade and more devoted and in love with each other than every before. She has meet several people, connected with a few of them, and now finds herself in a world where she has to remind herself that not everyone is open/poly!

Good luck in your journey. Just remember that there are a lot of people on here (and even more in the world beyond this forum), many of whom either have shared or are currently sharing your same experiences. You will always find people here to talk to and the advice you will get is almost always sound.

Finding a close friend, particularly for an introvert, is a long term process that is generally not fast. You have to get out there and meet people - most of whom will not become a acquaintance, much less a good deep friendship. It's a bit like dating - you have to put into the time to get yourself out there so you have the opportunity to meet people you may click with. I'm working on this myself. Honestly it's kind of annoying. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run.

^^ This +1
 
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I'm the wife. Hi everyone and thank you for being so willing to listen and share your thoughts and experiences with us

I don't know how much I can clarify right now as I am still trying to process my own feelings.

Several months ago I started to meet men through work who were very much my "type" and I went out and found myself flirting a lot and eventually developed feelings for someone. I didn't understand why I felt that way because up until that point I had wanted to be with either Spock, my family, or alone.

When the person I had feelings for told me that he didn't have the energy to be in a poly relationship and he would rather be friends, I wanted to respect that and learn how to be his friend without making him uncomfortable. It's something I am still working on and I don't know how it will turn out because I don't think I necessarily have the skills or the personality for it.

Like Spock, I can be very intense. We were intensely focused on each other for the last ten years. I want to maintain the intimacy we have. I have tried to share every part of myself with him and lately, maybe the last two years, I feel like I don't have anything worthwhile left to share.

When I shared my feelings for my new friend, Spock became involved in learning about poly with me and befriended my crush so that we could both get to know him better. They have responded positively. For me it is bittersweet watching them interact because at least I can see him a little more often, and I am glad my husband is making a friend. I must have good taste. :p

But I don't want to be sad over it, so I am trying to figure out if pursuing relationships is what I want, or finding a lover outside of our marriage, or if it was really that I met someone who could be particularly dear to me and it just messed with my head, or something else. And I am dragging my husband along for the ride, and I worry that no matter what I do we will both end up unhappy and facing an impasse.
 
Hi, Please! I'm glad you made it.

I'm actively reading up on poly, and posting and joining groups, so it's less of "dragged along for the ride" and more "riding shotgun".
 
Greetings Spock and Please,
Welcome to our forum.

I see you've already a generous helping of sound thoughts and advice, right on this intro thread. Continue to read and post on our various threads and boards, and you'll continue get sound thoughts and advice.

@ Please ... it sounds like your feelings are floundering somewhat here and there with respect to what you really want and are looking for. It sounds like you're worried that polyamory could threaten the foundations of the very precious marriage you have with Spock.

I would suggest to you that education is your best friend: education, and interaction with experienced polyamorists who can warn you of which dangers are real versus imagined, as well as share cool tips of the trade that you can use should you decide to pursue this as-yet unusual form of romance.

Along those lines I suggest:

These resources will help you get started on the basics of polyamory (and open relationships in general). Having immersed yourself in all that stuff for awhile, you'll probably be in a better position to decide how you feel about polyamory, and whether it's right for you.

In addition, explore Polyamory.com thoroughly in general. Post your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise. If a post of yours gets "lost in the shuffle," you can always post a fresh post so as to get yourself back to the top of the "New Posts queue." Polyamory.com is a crazy-busy site so be patient with us, but more often than not your posts will be heard and answered (with good and helpful guidance and moral support).

@ Spock ... it sounds like what you need most right now is a close local friend and confidant who understands/accepts polyamory and who can spend some quality time with you talking you through the fears and uncertainties that naturally come with any great change (and changing over from monogamy to polymory is a gigantic change). Whether they be a romantic or platonic friend, you just need someone who can lend you some of the attention you're missing from Please.

Along those lines, I suggest looking for the closest possible poly social group in your area. Some poly folks who get together monthly (or more) for socials and potlucks would be great.

... are some links you could start with, in searching for such groups.

Also, you can google "polyamory" with the name of your state or city (or nearby major city), and see if some additional poly groups might not pop up for you to check out and join. Polyamory.com is definitely also a place you can turn to for poly-friendly friendship; but in addition to Polyamory.com (whose members are spread around the globe), you also need people who are "real" and closeby, who you can see and touch. That's why I say, check out those links, and do that googling.

And,

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=5412.msg57394#msg57394

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have joined a couple groups, locally, but haven't yet attended any of them. My wife and I are still talking it over too because with each new event (date, kiss, talk, whatever) she finds new things to mull over.

I'm probably not helping since, you know, I'm still processing it too.

We talk as if this is an experiment since we're not sure this is what we want. At the heart she has multiple needs:
1) Me
2) Falling in love with someone else equally awesome
3) The idea that she could love someone else also opened up the idea that she could have multiple lovers
4) Friends

I fall into all three categories, if not perfectly in any single one, but generally being awesome. The difficulty is that it takes time to be friends (lots of repeat exposure over time, building of the relationship, etc), less time to be lovers (Just signing up on OKC got her several hundred greetings from guys in the area), and a lot more time to do both with someone awesome since, by definition of being awesome, they want more than just casual sex and they really want a long term investment in being your friend.
 
Well, polyamory is all about the combination of romance and abundant friendship, so I feel that you guys are both on the right path, even if it feels disorienting. That feeling will probably ease over time as you both do the over-mulling that you must and need to do.

In the meantime, if any of the links in my above post help and the here and now that should please me greatly, and yet even if any of those links would be overkill at this time, I'm still optimistic that you might find some of them useful later on. So, hold that post's thoughts.

No need to overwhelm yourself with anything, just take in the new world of information a little at a time; process each bite gently, unhurriedly, and thoughtfully before swallowing. This way you don't "gorge yourself on poly" and "make yourself sick."

And if and whenever I might be of some timely service, just let me know and I'll be there to carry it out.

Both of you are well-grounded and circumspect, so I have a good vibe about your present and future (whatever you find is right for you along the way).

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. I will definitely continue to look over the links you shared. There are so many things to think over.

It's true that I am not sure of what I want. I think it depends on which person I'm talking about.
 
;) -- Well you now have 122,961 Polyamory.com members pulling for you from afar, so take, if you can, consolation from that visual, and the visual itself as a good omen.

Many regards,
Kevin T.
 
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