mamalionesse
New member
Hi everyone,
I've been in an open relationship for the last 2 years with my bf A. We swing periodically and have sex separately with other people, when the opportunity arises. I am bisexual and he is hetero. I have always known that he is poly. He says that it is something he is, not something he does. I "share" him with his most recent ex (from a committed relationship, I mean), whom he still loves and cares for very much (but with whom he doesn't have sex), and whom I get on very well with, as well as several other ex-gfs he cares for and feels protective towards. Sometimes it's wearing, but mostly I don't mind, because I do not want to exclude anyone, nor would I begrudge anyone anything I had if I can spare it.
Although I see that he loves his ex and he loves me, and therefore it is possible to love more than one person at a time, I am not convinced that is possible for me. I always knew that one day he might meet someone else and fall in love with her, but I was not expecting what has happened.
An old gf from over 10 years ago recently found him (ah, the power of social media...) and wrote to ostensibly get closure on her leaving him so abruptly a decade ago. They arranged to have dinner together two weeks ago and she asked him to leave me for her. He told her that he wouldn't but that he wanted to be part of her life and for her to be part of his. She said she did not want to meet me. A few days later, she bailed.
For a week, I did not know that she had asked him to leave me. He had been trying to process the situation. But I was feeling very insecure and had been trying to keep lines of communication open, talking about my fears particularly because I felt like he was being cagey. When he did tell me, it was because he realised that what he appreciates most about our relationship was that I accept him as he is. So he told me that, and he told me that he felt a great sense of loss because his relationship with her was so intense - an intensity that he did not feel with his most recent ex, nor with me.
I spent a few days reeling in shock, battling with my two main insecurities: not-good-enough girl and outsider-trying-to-get-in. The first I managed to slap down, but the second was yelling at this woman who had come out of the blue, right at the moment when A is about to move in with me. I was just starting to get things under control when A came home on Friday and told me she'd called again and wanted to be "more emotionally mature" and not run away. He is happy and he feels that he there is "redemption" for him in this relationship. I want him to be happy and, even though I don't know her, I don't want her to be unhappy, but...
I am afraid of losing him. I have said this. He says he doesn't know what will happen, and of course he doesn't. He says he loves me very much and is committed to me, and his feelings towards me don't seem to have changed. I have told him that it is essential that we meet all together and get to know each other and talk, and that I'd rather his seeing her didn't leave me alone (i.e., it would be better on the nights when I have my child), and he is in agreement. I have also told him that I need to know everything that has been said and that happens, and he is ok with that. But I still feel like shit.
I don't know what is normal in this type of relationship. I'm not really sure he does. He has a very dominant personality and is not very empathic although he is very altruistic. He wants to see her tonight and tomorrow (Sunday and Monday), and I don't feel I can say that I think that's a lot when I'm still trying to get used to the idea.
So basically, I need help from all you good people out there. My world has been turned upside down. I am full of doubt; my insecurities are jumping all over me; my eczema is flaring; my shoulders are tight; and of course I have no-one to talk to who won't judge us. Thank you for your insight and advice.
Gi
I've been in an open relationship for the last 2 years with my bf A. We swing periodically and have sex separately with other people, when the opportunity arises. I am bisexual and he is hetero. I have always known that he is poly. He says that it is something he is, not something he does. I "share" him with his most recent ex (from a committed relationship, I mean), whom he still loves and cares for very much (but with whom he doesn't have sex), and whom I get on very well with, as well as several other ex-gfs he cares for and feels protective towards. Sometimes it's wearing, but mostly I don't mind, because I do not want to exclude anyone, nor would I begrudge anyone anything I had if I can spare it.
Although I see that he loves his ex and he loves me, and therefore it is possible to love more than one person at a time, I am not convinced that is possible for me. I always knew that one day he might meet someone else and fall in love with her, but I was not expecting what has happened.
An old gf from over 10 years ago recently found him (ah, the power of social media...) and wrote to ostensibly get closure on her leaving him so abruptly a decade ago. They arranged to have dinner together two weeks ago and she asked him to leave me for her. He told her that he wouldn't but that he wanted to be part of her life and for her to be part of his. She said she did not want to meet me. A few days later, she bailed.
For a week, I did not know that she had asked him to leave me. He had been trying to process the situation. But I was feeling very insecure and had been trying to keep lines of communication open, talking about my fears particularly because I felt like he was being cagey. When he did tell me, it was because he realised that what he appreciates most about our relationship was that I accept him as he is. So he told me that, and he told me that he felt a great sense of loss because his relationship with her was so intense - an intensity that he did not feel with his most recent ex, nor with me.
I spent a few days reeling in shock, battling with my two main insecurities: not-good-enough girl and outsider-trying-to-get-in. The first I managed to slap down, but the second was yelling at this woman who had come out of the blue, right at the moment when A is about to move in with me. I was just starting to get things under control when A came home on Friday and told me she'd called again and wanted to be "more emotionally mature" and not run away. He is happy and he feels that he there is "redemption" for him in this relationship. I want him to be happy and, even though I don't know her, I don't want her to be unhappy, but...
I am afraid of losing him. I have said this. He says he doesn't know what will happen, and of course he doesn't. He says he loves me very much and is committed to me, and his feelings towards me don't seem to have changed. I have told him that it is essential that we meet all together and get to know each other and talk, and that I'd rather his seeing her didn't leave me alone (i.e., it would be better on the nights when I have my child), and he is in agreement. I have also told him that I need to know everything that has been said and that happens, and he is ok with that. But I still feel like shit.
I don't know what is normal in this type of relationship. I'm not really sure he does. He has a very dominant personality and is not very empathic although he is very altruistic. He wants to see her tonight and tomorrow (Sunday and Monday), and I don't feel I can say that I think that's a lot when I'm still trying to get used to the idea.
So basically, I need help from all you good people out there. My world has been turned upside down. I am full of doubt; my insecurities are jumping all over me; my eczema is flaring; my shoulders are tight; and of course I have no-one to talk to who won't judge us. Thank you for your insight and advice.
Gi