When the kids are not taking poly well...

polylicious

New member
About 2 months ago we sat down our kids and told them about me, their father, being poly. They knew their mother to be bisexual for the past 3 years (when she came out to them) and they knew she has dated women once or twice (they were not cool with that either). Our kids are 18, 16, 13 and 11. We are former LDS/Mormon (so yeah, on top of societal and cultural programming, and having lived all their lives in a mono-mindset, there's vestiges of religious expectations likely floating around too -- though these are never expressed by us or them).

18yr old son asked if we were divorcing, seeing and hearing we weren't, he said "ok, it's cool with me if you're Open".

16yr old daughter put up her hands to her ears and said "what?! No! This is not happening!" and left the living room. A few weeks later we were going to have my girlfriend visit (and sleep over... she's a 2.5 hour drive away) and my daughter looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "please don't do this to me" (we didn't). I saw her facebook from the week we told her and it was full of allusions to her crying and her family having gone 'cray-cray'.

13yr old daughter was quiet. Since then she's met my girlfriend and visited her home with me and our 11 year old and my wife on a few trips. Talked, walked, fished, hung out. About a week ago I learned she's been crying herself to sleep 'almost every night' though she smiles and talks like she's 'ok', she's clearly not. She also will about weekly share that she's not ok with this arrangement, but no vehemently, more matter-of-factly.

11yr old daughter hyperventilated. Bawled. Could not be consoled for a full half hour. We thought we'd have to take her to the hospital. Over the past 2 months she has daily cried and expressed fears of losing her parents, losing her father, being left alone, asked why I hate her so much, why I'm leaving her and the family, why she's not enough for me, why is mommy not enough for me, why is our family not enough for me.

I've answered her questions the best I can, however it's not really all that much better. There is progress though - she's not hyperventilating all the time, but the crying is intense and the emotional pain is, well, it's really like I'm hurting her is how I feel and how I experience it, me, her father, is inflicting this huge emotional anxiety causing pain on my daughter. And now it's about me not wanting her to have this pain (and me not wanting to feel the pain of causing her pain). I tried the narrative thing and just let her talk and vent and answer her questions and help her feel safe and see she's safe and see our family is safe. We tried the bring her to visit the girlfriend and get to know her and see we're all safe and that Mommy is good too (we all would visit and hang out etc.). We've tried everything we know how to do.

I read here about examples of children getting better when they find out... but now I think it's me who's hit a wall and I don't think I can last another 2 months or 2 days. I feel like a horrible parent and selfish person for causing my children pain and I don't know how to make it better except to either stop doing what I love and what completes me (poly and my girlfriend) and or lie to them and say we're back to just being friends (this 'lie' is what they believed the first 10 months of our relationship as we never told them otherwise).

Anyway... open to advice.

Maybe I just needed some narrative therapy myself.

Thanks for listening.
 
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Maybe being hit with these major changes every few years ....leaving the church, mom's bisexuality and almost divorcing ....now poly ...out growth of the former....instability or fear of collapse never goes away. Wanting to be normal or from normal parents....

Would they be apposed to family counseling? Or perhaps the kids could go as a group without you to discuss their isssues and fears....give them a safe place to unload.
 
I hate to say this, as I like to think kids are open to different dynamics but.. I'd just keep poly and other relationships out of the house when it's affecting the kids that much.

I am curious, how long have you and your girlfriend have been involved, sounds like about a year? Having somebody spend the night two months after letting your kids know you were dating sounds like too much too soon. Your kids already met your girlfriend? Did they like her when they thought she was just a friend?

I also would hope you aren't introducing partners too soon, single parents also often make sure they've a "serious" relationship before introducing a SO to their kids. And well..yes I think it IS selfish to feel the need to parade your girlfriend around under the situation you describe. Go to her house for overnight dates, let your wife show your kids she's fine with it.

It's not necessary to acknowledge her as a romantic partner when she's around the kids, or to be physically affectionate. You've told them, they know, to them it's just as if you're grabbing your wife's chest in front of them, they don't want to know, they don't care to know, they really want you to just shut up about your love life because it's repellent because you're their parents. Doesn't mean you have to stop being poly, but I sure remember hating being aware of my parent's cheating & swinging. Was NOT my business or something I needed to know. I was glad to know people were my parent's friends - what happened behind closed doors was not my business.
 
It's not necessary to acknowledge her as a romantic partner when she's around the kids, or to be physically affectionate. You've told them, they know, to them it's just as if you're grabbing your wife's chest in front of them, they don't want to know, they don't care to know, they really want you to just shut up about your love life because it's repellent because you're their parents. Doesn't mean you have to stop being poly, but I sure remember hating being aware of my parent's cheating & swinging. Was NOT my business or something I needed to know. I was glad to know people were my parent's friends - what happened behind closed doors was not my business.

Exactly.

Kids do not want to know about their parents' sex lives in any way, shape, or form.

My mother decided to tell me (in the briefest possible manner) about the conception of my two youngest siblings. I was incredibly turned off by that, and 25 years later still wish she had just kept it to herself and talked to her friends.
 
Maybe being hit with these major changes every few years ....leaving the church, mom's bisexuality and almost divorcing ....now poly ...out growth of the former....instability or fear of collapse never goes away. Wanting to be normal or from normal parents....

Would they be apposed to family counseling? Or perhaps the kids could go as a group without you to discuss their isssues and fears....give them a safe place to unload.

Very good ideas and thoughts, thank you. :)
 
I hate to say this, as I like to think kids are open to different dynamics but.. I'd just keep poly and other relationships out of the house when it's affecting the kids that much.

I am curious, how long have you and your girlfriend have been involved, sounds like about a year? Having somebody spend the night two months after letting your kids know you were dating sounds like too much too soon. Your kids already met your girlfriend? Did they like her when they thought she was just a friend?

I am tending to agree, it's too painful for them. Too overwhelming.

It may have all been too much too soon. I think I was partly living in dreamland where everyone would just be one big happy family and my GF would be seen as Aunty T and everyone would be happy. Maybe I should have been born in the 50's and lived in a Commune in the 60's/70's. I think that was my mentality -- it still is... everyone just loving and accepting and getting along with everyone else. Nice sentiment/dream/mindset/DNA however, not very practical when faced with the Reality of human nature.

Previously they knew her to be a friend of mine and my wife, yes.

The bottom line is I suppose, I could and should view it as my 'sex life' and or 'intimate life' and you don't share that with kids. We're not living on a Commune, they are not ok with it (the younger of the 3 anyway) and maybe with time they will be... but how I live and what I do and how I do it and with whom, should be private. And though there has been zero public displays of affection with the kids, just them knowing I'm sleeping upstairs if we're visiting and or sleeping over if I'm visiting...it is too much for them. Plus the fears of losing their Family / Foundation / Daddy and Mommy and the weirdness and hurt of it all against their sense of what is 'right'... maybe we just need to move to BC and find ourselves a Commune and or Community. Calgary has an intentional community I've thought about maybe moving to too. Anyway. Blah blah blah. :) THANK YOU.
 
You are dealing with teenage girls, they WILL cry and tend toward the dramatic (as do 12-14 yr old boys). That being said, I agree that you should look into some family counciling. They need a safe place to address issues and fears.

2 teenage girls, a preteen and a wife all living in the same house together :eek: MY SYMPATHIES!:D.
 
I guess I don't understand why the "kids, we're poly" topic had to come up at all. But then, my kids are only 2 & 4. I just don't see how the fact I'm poly, or bi, or anything else pertaining to my romantic and sexual life is any of my kids business. When my boyfriend comes over, it's no different than when my other friends come over. I don't behave in any way that should raise a red flag from even an older child -- but then, I also don't behave inappropriately with my husband in front of the kids.

I agree with the posters saying that it is probably way more information than your kids wanted about their parents' personal lives. I hope your family can sort it out so things aren't so dramatic in your home and your kids can feel better about things.
 
I'm afraid, I would argue that your children would have to come first. You will need to discuss with your girlfriend and your wife where to go from here, however realistically I'd say that you should reduce time spent with the GF to when you are out of the house sans children (or just with the oldest). It is too much for them and no matter how much you love your girlfriend, the amount of distress and panic it is causing is just not justified.
 
I guess I don't understand why the "kids, we're poly" topic had to come up at all. But then, my kids are only 2 & 4. I just don't see how the fact I'm poly, or bi, or anything else pertaining to my romantic and sexual life is any of my kids business.

The thing is kids, especially teenagers, are often very perceptive and might well notice if you act differently around certain people... which it could be hard not to if strong feelings have developed. If they notice something but have no info, they would probably assume you're cheating, which could send them into just the sort of tailspin described here. So, generally I'd advocate honesty with kids once things have gotten to a certain level of seriousness, assuming that what's at issue is a serious partner who's very involved in your life (for casual sexual friends and/or LDRs there's really no reason to mention anything). Unfortunately, it seems to have gone over really poorly in this case... maybe it was too soon, maybe they're reacting to other stressors, hard to say. :(

I think only time will really heal this. As time passes they'll be able to see that your marriage is still strong and their lives weren't going to blow up. But yeah, in the meantime staying on the DL is almost certainly best. Family therapy with a poly-friendly counselor might help if they stay so distressed?

Good luck!!
 
Do they know you've been together for ten months, or do they think it is new?

Personally, I would not stop things with the girlfriend. I would tell my children "she is an important person in my life, and I don't abandon important people in my life. Not you, not your mother, not my girlfriend".
If you just dismissed her when she's not convenient, I feel it would give the message that you might very well do the same thing with your wife or your children.

Other than that, just like when parents learn and react badly, I think the only cure is time. Ultimately, they don't have a say in what happens in your love life, although I do think they deserve to know if the girlfriend is going to be over. Just stay open to answering any question they might have, reassure them you love them and their mother just as much as before, and don't be the one to bring up the subject.

Family counseling does sound like a good idea too.
 
Personally, I would not stop things with the girlfriend. I would tell my children "she is an important person in my life, and I don't abandon important people in my life. Not you, not your mother, not my girlfriend".
If you just dismissed her when she's not convenient, I feel it would give the message that you might very well do the same thing with your wife or your children.
I really do agree with this ^.

my kids do not have a problem with me being poly, but the circumstances in which I came out to them were far different. when I remarried 5 years ago my son was 11 and there was all kinds of drama because he didn't want someone else to be part of my life. I think it was because of the stressors we'd been under... divorce from their dad, leaving a religious cult, moving a bunch of times and being homeless... when a kid feels like it's just one more tragedy to deal with, they get overwhelmed. they don't always have the tools to adjust to a new paradigm. do what you can to make them feel secure and loved... and I agree about family counseling. it helped us when we were in the midst of adjustments. now my kids pretty much take things as they come, including my younger daughter.
 
I guess I don't understand why the "kids, we're poly" topic had to come up at all. But then, my kids are only 2 & 4. I just don't see how the fact I'm poly, or bi, or anything else pertaining to my romantic and sexual life is any of my kids business. When my boyfriend comes over, it's no different than when my other friends come over. I don't behave in any way that should raise a red flag from even an older child -- but then, I also don't behave inappropriately with my husband in front of the kids.

That's your dynamic, and your definition of inappropriate. My parents did give each other hugs and the odd kiss in front of me. Not the sucking-out-your-soul kind of kiss (yeah, I would've shut my eyes and run squealing) but more than they'd give a friend!

It takes serious discipline to keep all the context out of your interactions in front of your kids. You may at some point develop a subconscious, subtle, but distinct behavioral pattern that your kids identify as "this is what Mom does with people she loves". When they see it with both Dad and BF, add it to what they've been taught socioculturally, and come up with entirely the wrong idea... Let's just say I favor open dialogues about this stuff before they turn into teenagers (who, as you've seen in this thread, often react in dramatic ways to problems that ain't).
 
Wendigo and I talked about our kids at one point. Runic Wolf and I have a 10 1/2 year old and Wendigo has a 15 1/2 year old. When his son started dating last year, Wendigo mentioned that right now is not the time to let his son know that he's poly. He thinks it' more appropriate to wait until his son is college aged and only if his son brings it up. He certainly doesn't plan on telling him that he's bi either as he feels that now is not the time where his son needs to know what his parents get up to in the bedroom; not when he's just starting to develop those types of feelings of his own.

Still, now that your kids do know. I wouldn't advise leaving your girlfriend. I wouldn't force your kids to spend time with her, but I agree that important people in your life shouldn't get thrown away just because someone is upset, even your kids. Life is hard, it isn't fair and while we should love and nurture our kids, we need to teach them that lesson too. They may want normal parents, but they don't have them and honestly no one does.
 
Your kids' dramatic reactions make me think they have a lot of fear around this. I would want to give them an opportunity (in counselling or privately) to voice exactly what those fears are. Really hear them out, and then address their fears one by one. You don't plan to divorce. You don't plan to abandon your family. You're not going to make them accept your girlfriend as another mother, or spend time with her if they don't enjoy her company. They won't have to witness any displays of affection that feel icky or inappropriate to them. Their peers aren't going to find out and tease them about this. You're not going to burn in hell. See if you can pinpoint what it is that upsets them so much. If this is not even a new relationship, you can point out that nothing is changing.

I agree that dumping your girlfriend for their sake is not a wise choice. They should know that you don't treat loved ones that way, but you can try to make your time with her as discreet as possible as they get used to it.

I wonder how my kids would take it...
 
I Don't have kids, but if or when I do, I would tell them, because any partner of ours is a potential step-parent to them, and I feel they deserve to know something that has that much impact on their lives. In some way, a live-in partner has more impact on children than on their metamour, simply because children spend more time in the house in every household I've seen (school usually lasts less than work, and parents can come and go as they please will kids need permission to go out, and depending on their age, an adult along with them).
Mind you the kids in question are oldish and would have more freedom, and nothing in the posts implies that the relaitonship is primary or is going to become so, unless I've mis-read.
Still, I can't see myself lying to my kids about something like that. I don't have anything to hide, and every time I present a partner as a friend, it is a lie. Get them used to it early enough and they'll think nothing of it.

This isn't very pertinent to the OP, but it was in response of whether to tell children. I personally don't care about my parents' lives much, but I don't think I would have enjoyed living a lie either. To a kid, their parents' relationship is important, you see it when divorces occur. Being lied about them for years... I don't think a lot of them would be happy about that. It could make one wonder if anything from their childhood was actually true, up to and including their parents' love.
 
Agreed with others - It's been too much change too fast. Maybe you should consider getting involved with a GLBTQ friendly church, like the Unitarian Universalists. Having a relationship with God is very beneficial for teens, and I suspect Unitarians would also be poly-friendly.

I also agree with Green Mom - I'm not sure why it has to be a formal thing. Then again, I went on a date with a whole family, and the kids were great and didn't seem to be torn to bits by parents making a new friend - I liked the way the couple handles it... They have and make new friends, and seem to super slowly introduce new friends. Kids handle individuals and situations far better than labels. We should learn from that.
 
I don't know that this will help, but I have another perspective. I think it's wonderful that your children feel safe enough to BE dramatic in your family. My family wouldn't have tolerated any of that behaviour out of me. Drama AND feelings, basically not acceptable; especially if they were contrary to the prevailing whatevers (feelings, environment, decisions).

I remember lots of my parents friends, my mother loved to entertain, and was likely an extravert. Many years later, I learned that lots of the women who came to dinner, one with whom we were close (went to the cabin, she gave me presents) were more than friends. My parents weren't exactly poly, and I'm fairly certain there wasn't too much ethical going on, but there were definitely things going on that I'm happy I didn't know then.

****
and, the talk of PDAs reminds me of one of my happiest memories. Found my dad in the living room and he just looked all high and dreamy. I might have asked, but he said, 'your mom just kissed me *sigh* and she was wearing the lipstick she used to wear in high school.'
Even then, when I thought kissing was basically gross, it made a huge impression on me. I hoped one day some man would be that silly over kissing ME.
 
and, the talk of PDAs reminds me of one of my happiest memories. Found my dad in the living room and he just looked all high and dreamy. I might have asked, but he said, 'your mom just kissed me *sigh* and she was wearing the lipstick she used to wear in high school.'
Even then, when I thought kissing was basically gross, it made a huge impression on me. I hoped one day some man would be that silly over kissing ME.

I find this SO FRIGGIN SWEEEEEEET. :eek:
 
Oh don't get me wrong. I do "PDA" stuff in front of the kids. But I'm very huggy with many of my friends so I don't see it as a big deal I suppose.

As I said in my post though, my kids are very young and don't question such things. When they get to be teens they may well have questions. But I would rather they grow up seeing this as something comfortable between my husband and I, and any others in our lives, then us sitting them down to "explain" how it works I guess.
 
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