Seeking empathy with new partners.

redsirenn

New member
This is a side thread based on a quite by Mono in another thread. I reworded it some simply for clarity's sake.

Potential reasons listed why mono-identifying people find another.

1) coping by looking for other relationships even though he is not poly
2)...distraction, a sense of "showing her how it feels"
3) debase the role of sex in our relationship and essentially limit ... depth towards her.
4) The external views of others. ( Mono/Poly arrangements) For example: When I tell people that I am monogamous with a non-monogamous woman, they often think that there is something wrong with me or that I am somewhat of a fool who is being used. ...(cont.)

Caveat - I know there are others, but for the sake of this thread and my question, this is all she wrote.

What do you all think of these reasons?

Furthermore, I find myself being motivated by 1 & 2 at times. 1) finding someone else to fill needs now NOT being met by other person due to their poly orientation. 2) seeking empathy from a partner by example.

I am still wading the waters here, trying to understand what of my interests in others comes from: curiosity, simply the ability to do so in this relationship, exploration of other relationships and what they mean to me, and/or if I would operate at poly "better" than as mono. Also - envy and a sense of competition has a place in here... although I don't necessarily know what to do with that and it fogs my head up.

Thoughts?
 
I have to admit, I have never been less interested in others. Last weekend I was walking around a fair with Polynerdist and thier son and there were a lot of "nicely" dressed women. I was a little taken back by just how disinterested I was in even looking. I seem to remember being much more distracted by this sort of thing in the past. I believe this is a result of my new awareness regarding the role of sex in my life. There is a huge standard set by the connection I have with Redpepper which makes the simplest sexual contact with her incredibly fulfilling. A kiss from her means more than the intercourse I have had in the past with some.

My "mono" friends find it hard to believe I wouldn't be chasing everything with a skirt due to the nature of my relationship. I remember thinking the same way when I was married and thinking about the idea of an open relationship or swinging.

In summary, for me, looking for an additional relationship would ultimately indicate trouble with my connection to Redpepper.

Now if I was poly, things would be much different of course :D
 
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Hi RS,

First let me admit that I'm going to respond based on an assumption that you are living in a kind of "on the fence" mode in regard to mono vs poly and which fits you best. I might be able to know you better if I went way back and read a lot of your prior postings - but (spank me) I'm too lazy and time constrained.

But if I'm wrong on this guess it might be good for other readers too to clarify where you are at / coming from with your question.

So.............

First I'll pick on the easy, obvious one. You say that 'competition' is still a part of your psyche. And not sure how to deal with it. Maybe try this.........
Equate it to stealing ! (If you are a thief by nature <doubtful?>this won't work)
It's an undesirable aspect of your personality and a serious impediment (and risk) to your own freedom and happiness in the future. You want to embrace that ????? Get rid of it ! Period. Just like you would any other dangerous, risky habit. Totally doable - ONCE you truly realize it's danger.

The other stuff/questions relating to why you might be curious or attracted to others.....

I think that our true basic nature. And it's the part that's programmed out of us by culture/society. Think of young children. Most are totally curious about others and the world around them. But we have to teach them that curiosity can kill the cat and they have to put a check on that.
But you're not a child !
And you just discovered that much of what/why you were told about curiosity was less than accurate. So now some of that curiosity is coming back. But now you are an adult, wiser. Less risk involved (to a point) in that curiosity.
So why the surprise/second guessing ?

You question whether you would have this curiosity if you were in a classic mono situation. But why question it ? Unless you still see some danger or risk.
It's nothing more than my opinion, but I feel we all have so much to gain in so many ways by getting out there exploring the world around us (and that includes people). Yes, you have to be smart about it. But to me, the loss by being a timid little mouse in a corner is an even bigger risk.

Does that help any ?

GS
 
GS -
I am on the fence... It mostly has to do with the fact that NOTHING has happened physically on my side of the equation. Therefore, I don't know how to react. I'd love to push those boundaries, but I also feel weird forcing the issue, even on myself. So - I question things... alot.

It is entirely possible that this won't go well -that is why I take the time during which no drama is ensuing to think about things and why I act the way I do. It certainly isn't because I want to sit in the corner... I just AM right now. I want to get out, but not if that means doing something that will be of detriment to my physical or mental health.

It is frustrating. I day dream about it a lot. Lots of times this is where I can vent and maybe get a bit of feedback from someone who has felt how I do, or can see something I cannot.

But - your post did help a bit. so thanks.

RS
 
Well, for me the primary reason I look for other friends -- and that's just-friends at this point -- is because my poly GF is unable to spend as much time with me as my emotional well-being requires.

This is new on several levels for me: coming out of a 30-year mono marriage and starting to date again was quite a change but to end up with a person who's in a poly marriage should have been a double shock to my system. Oddly, it wasn't -- the relationship feels quite normal. But there's no competitive urge, or any desire to "catch up" to the poly couple I'm involved with.

I do get lonely, though, and the depth of my relationship with L has opened up my mind to what is possible. So that intrigues me: is there someone else with whom I could connect at a similar level? And that curiosity and desire for another deep friendship is what keeps me looking.

My personal take on the situation: suddenly people are very interesting, and women in particular because I open up faster and deeper to women than men. You don't have to be looking for physical intimacy; the search for someone you can really share feelings with is enough reason to look. IMHO.

But mileage varies so much that any blanket statement is going to be wrong for some people.
 
On a side note, and only something I have observed on occasion. The mono in a married couple with one side going poly has an uphill battle. The thing I have observed, and this isn't always the case, is that the mono tends to be too reliant on the partnership instead of realizing there are other relationships out there. So many I have seen online, have no friends outside of the monogamous relationship.

This creates a real problem when the poly person starts going out. They are so dependent on the relationship that they feel loneliness. They start to go out and build other friendships and that helps. But then what? While processing their partner being poly they could possibly process it for themselves.

My point to this random saturday morning jabber is, I wonder how things would be for them if they had a social life outside of the monogamous relationship, if they had friends to lean on in and weren't so dependent on the primary relationship.

It also leaves me wondering, how many poly identified people go poly because of that dependency. They do it as a fantasy or escape from being the "one and only"...thats a craptastic amount of pressure to put on one person.

Obviously, generalizing but this thread reminded me of those realizations. Things I have simply noticed and made note of. Definitely not directed at anyone specific :)

_______________________

On a completely different note to the primary section of this post, I will also say this

Why can't there be a sliding scale of poly/mono. I know someone threw one up here a while ago...but the gist would be like kinsey (I think it was idealist)...a scale 1 to 6 1 being mono and 6 being poly. It might help people understand a potential transition and or, where they fit in.
 
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The mono in a married couple with one side going poly has an uphill battle. .

I'll go out on a limb here and say that the source of the uphill battle is that the mono persons partner is not going out for drinks with friends..they are going out to fuck someone. Huge difference.

But that's just me :)
 
I'll go out on a limb here and say that the source of the uphill battle is that the mono persons partner is not going out for drinks with friends..they are going out to fuck someone. Huge difference.

But that's just me :)

Thanks for clarifying hahaha...
 
they are going out to fuck someone. Huge difference.

when you put it so ugly...jeez. replace fuck with love. Or even take the sentence out seeing as how I'm pretty sure it doesn't usually go down like that. At least, not for me anyway.
 
when you put it so ugly...jeez. replace fuck with love. Or even take the sentence out seeing as how I'm pretty sure it doesn't usually go down like that. At least, not for me anyway.

He was explaining the point from a "monos" viewpoint when a newly discovered poly partner, is going out for a newly founded pairing.

Imagine how the mono wife would feel when the poly husband is going on a first date or second or third...I doubt very much they are thinking they are going out to "love" someone. Fuck was appropriate imho :)

Wow can I make that sound any more clinical and boring....
 
when you put it so ugly...jeez. replace fuck with love. Or even take the sentence out seeing as how I'm pretty sure it doesn't usually go down like that. At least, not for me anyway.

I meant no disrespect RPCrazy, but the thing is no matter how it is presented, to most mono partners it is going to come down to the visual of thier partner fucking somone else. If they don't get over that blunt sweaty physical aspect of it then they will probably have a hard time being fully happy.

I am merely trying to put it as bluntly as it would probably hit any monos heart and mind. There is beauty in multiple relationships for some, but that beauty is not seen/desired or possible for everyone. To some it is an "ugly" thing.

No person should live in self denial from anything healthy. I would imagine denying being poly is like being crushed, but I would assume that a mono hearing that their previously monogamous partner needs/wants to be intimate with others is like getting hit in the chest with a sledge hammer. In fact I can speak with some experience on this as my ex-wife once explored bringing a woman into her life. I have changed a lot since then but the feeling will never be forgotten.

Again, no disrespect intended my friend.
 
I meant no disrespect RPCrazy, but the thing is no matter how it is presented, to most mono partners it is going to come down to the visual of thier partner fucking somone else. If they don't get over that blunt sweaty physical aspect of it then they will probably have a hard time being fully happy.

To some, "fuck" is an "ugly" word. To some, "fuck" is just a word. I refer to having sex with my husband as "fucking" and that does not make it an "ugly" thing. Just because this forum is about "polyamory" and "polyamory" is about "love" doesn't mean that we are all required to use "nice" terms like "making love" when it comes to talking about "having sex". "Fucking" does not equal "ugly" and polyamorous individuals can go out and "get laid" just like anyone else.
 
I don't mind the word, i use it daily. I guess my point was simply when you say "he/she's out fucking somebody else!" It kind of dumbs down what's really going on, and makes the whole scene ugly, semantics aside...Like i said, it doesn't usually go down like that. Despite what you're "thinking". It's a flawed logic that leads insecurities...or vice versa.
 
I don't mind the word, i use it daily. I guess my point was simply when you say "he/she's out fucking somebody else!" It kind of dumbs down what's really going on, and makes the whole scene ugly, semantics aside...Like i said, it doesn't usually go down like that. Despite what you're "thinking". It's a flawed logic that leads insecurities...or vice versa.

OK. In both of your posts about this, it does sound like you're saying that "fucking" carries a negative connotation. In both of your posts, you do equate "fucking" with "ugly". "Ugly" usually carries a negative connotation.
I'm not sure what you mean by "it doesn't usually go down like that".

What's "it"?

What's "go down"?

What's "like that"?

These are such generic, nondescript terms, they have no meaning when it comes to ascribing quality to a word, such as "fucking".

If you mean, for example, that "a polyamorous lifestyle is not all about going out and having as much sex as you can with whoever will spread their legs and get naked at the first opportunity" equals "fucking", then yes,it CAN "go down like that" and that certainly carries an "ugly" sentiment for some people. But if that is what you meant, then say so.

If by "fucking" one is referring to the likely scenario that one partner will end up having consensual coitus or oral sex with another human in the course of a caring relationship, it can also "go down like that" and carries a not-so-ugly sentiment for some people.

There are other contexts in which the acts of sex may be described as "fucking" and the way these acts are undertaken can be "ugly" to some people's sensibilities and not so "ugly" to other people's sensibilities.

I would venture that a monogamously-oriented person might consider the idea of their partner "making love" with another partner to be "ugly", regardless of how the events leading up to the act of consummation were to "go down", and also regardless of the terminology used to describe.
 
OK. In both of your posts about this, it does sound like you're saying that "fucking" carries a negative connotation. In both of your posts, you do equate "fucking" with "ugly". "Ugly" usually carries a negative connotation.
I'm not sure what you mean by "it doesn't usually go down like that".

What's "it"?

What's "go down"?

What's "like that"?

These are such generic, nondescript terms, they have no meaning when it comes to ascribing quality to a word, such as "fucking".

If you mean, for example, that "a polyamorous lifestyle is not all about going out and having as much sex as you can with whoever will spread their legs and get naked at the first opportunity" equals "fucking", then yes,it CAN "go down like that" and that certainly carries an "ugly" sentiment for some people. But if that is what you meant, then say so.

If by "fucking" one is referring to the likely scenario that one partner will end up having consensual coitus or oral sex with another human in the course of a caring relationship, it can also "go down like that" and carries a not-so-ugly sentiment for some people.

There are other contexts in which the acts of sex may be described as "fucking" and the way these acts are undertaken can be "ugly" to some people's sensibilities and not so "ugly" to other people's sensibilities.

I would venture that a monogamously-oriented person might consider the idea of their partner "making love" with another partner to be "ugly", regardless of how the events leading up to the act of consummation were to "go down", and also regardless of the terminology used to describe.

Beautiful clarification! Nothing ugly about it except that "greedy" thing popping up again Mono!;)
 
Wow can I make that sound any more clinical and boring....

*munches popcorn*,...Well,..I don`t neccessarily know about that, but I do know the nights I can`t rip-a-piece off my man of 10 years, I`ll come read these threads, to help get over being horny. :D

NAUGHTY SUPERJAST !!!!
 
*munches popcorn*,...Well,..I don`t neccessarily know about that, but I do know the nights I can`t rip-a-piece off my man of 10 years, I`ll come read these threads, to help get over being horny. :D

NAUGHTY SUPERJAST !!!!

*munches Superjasts popcorn*...hmmmm well played.. :p
 
you made me "post reply" instead of a quick reply now...lol

the original quote I was replaying to was
I'll go out on a limb here and say that the source of the uphill battle is that the mono persons partner is not going out for drinks with friends..they are going out to fuck someone. Huge difference.

I replied with
when you put it so ugly...jeez. replace fuck with love. Or even take the sentence out seeing as how I'm pretty sure it doesn't usually go down like that. At least, not for me anyway. I don't mind the word, i use it daily. I guess my point was simply when you say "he/she's out fucking somebody else!" It kind of dumbs down what's really going on, and makes the whole scene ugly, semantics aside...Like i said, it doesn't usually go down like that. Despite what you're "thinking". It's a flawed logic that leads insecurities...or vice versa.

So to clarify.
1. I don't really think the word fuck is ugly. I feel his statement was ugly when put in context of uphill mono battles. Also, I was not offended, but thank for you apologizing anyway mono, you're way too nice.
2. I understand that he was writing in a "mono" frame of a mind, but that's exactly what i'm disagreeing with.
3. I understand that there are all sorts of poly arrangements and casual sex preferences for people.

What I was trying to say was that this type of thought has no rational place in the context of the original statement. "It doesn't usually go down like that" meaning when you're out with your friends, your partner is NOT fucking theirs or whoever they are out with romantically. His statement was made in a general sense. So, in general, I feel such an ugly statement isn't correctly reflective of what's really happening in general, or in most situations. If you're not thinking about what's really happening, then it's not the truth. Sure, some people are like that and only have fuck buddies and the like, or just have all sorts of crazy sex. But from my experience most poly people aren't even close to being that liberal with their naughty bits. Fuck, not even I am, and I've been called a slut copious amounts of times from people I don't even know that well.

When my g/f's ex was commenting on us being out while he was at home he would say, "all I can think about is you two fucking". and i'm sure he was visual since we had numerous 4-somes and 3-somes before that. But the same logic i'm applying to mono's comment is the same ideal I applied in that situation. Why is such an ugly thought running through your head, when you don't even know what's happening. And the truth of the matter is, most of the time he was thinking about that, we were probably playing games or WOW at my house, or just out having fun.

@ygirl
There are other contexts in which the acts of sex may be described as "fucking" and the way these acts are undertaken can be "ugly" to some people's sensibilities and not so "ugly" to other people's sensibilities.
I completely agree with everything you said, but again, this isn't a semantics argument...what I said was just taken out of context. Thank you for clarification though :)
 
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It also leaves me wondering, how many poly identified people go poly because of that dependency. They do it as a fantasy or escape from being the "one and only"...thats a craptastic amount of pressure to put on one person.

omg.....I love that word!! Craptastic !!! so true also !!

Why can't there be a sliding scale of poly/mono. I know someone threw one up here a while ago...but the gist would be like kinsey (I think it was idealist)...a scale 1 to 6 1 being mono and 6 being poly. It might help people understand a potential transition and or, where they fit in.

I attached it to this post!!
 

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