Another long introduction

BlueFlame

New member
Hello everyone. I've been an occasional lurker on this board since last year. Recently I decided to get an account so that I could start interacting with people; though with my busy schedule it just hasn’t happened until now.

Anyway, I thought I’d finally introduce myself. I’m a 28 year-old female and been married for 8 years. We have no children and don’t foresee any in the near future. I don’t think I ever would have considered myself poly; in fact, I still don’t think it’s a very good word to describe me, yet it’s the type of relationship I’m currently in. Said relationship came about very slowly as a little over a year ago I found that I was getting stronger feelings for one of my closest (bi-sexual female) friends. I had long suspected she had feelings for me, but she valued our friendship more than trying to make anything out of her feelings.

My feelings toward her weren’t ones I ever considered acting on. For one, it was more of an intense emotional bond for me than something physical (I’m generally not sexually attracted to other females); and, for another, I was married and another relationship simply wasn’t in my list of options. A few months from this realization, my husband surprised me one day by telling me he’d been having sexual fantasies about my friend and me.

My husband and I talked about it quite a bit that day and more over the course of time. It was a fun idea for me to play with, but not something I considered seriously for myself because I figured my feelings were one of simply a close friendship. However, by the time fall rolled around (this is making a long story short), I realized that I might be feeling more for her than I previously supposed. That was when the talks with my husband became more serious, and when I started doing research on the subject of Polyamory (which is when I found this board). He was ecstatic about the idea of me being with her and by the time I visited her this February (she lives in another state than I do), I decided to make a move which was received very warmly.

So now I’m currently in a V. Both my primary and secondary seem happy as larks about the situation (except for the fact that she’s long distance). As for me, sometimes I’m happy—I have 2 people who love me dearly, and who I love in return; people who I have a wonderful relationship with—but sometimes I’m not. I feel confused and unsure if this is the direction I want my life to take. I also fear both the fact that my relationship with her won’t last forever, as well as the idea that it just might last. It would break my heart to lose her (she feels the same way about me), but at the same time, I’m not sure this is how I want to live my life.

I know this introduction is long, but I guess I finally just decided I needed to put this somewhere because I haven’t really found any stories and the like of anyone in a situation close to mine, and I don’t have any friends that are poly, so I don’t really have anyone to talk it out with or seek advice from. Of course, I’m not really sure what advice I’m looking for either, so I suppose that isn’t very helpful.

In any case, greetings. Apologies for the long post. I’m not sure how much I’ll have to contribute to this board as I don’t know if I can be considered a ‘true’ poly, but I would like to be more than just a silent observer and perhaps even make some friends in the process.
 
Actually, I think you're doing quite well as far as being poly is concerned. :) You took your time in developing the feelings towards your friend, and you discussed things with your husband. A suggestion though. You said that you're not sure this is how you want to live your life. Who said you needed to make that decision? One thing I've learned is that life has no script.

My wife and I NEVER thought we'd end up with a live in gf for the passed 2 years, but that's kinda how things happened. We started by having 3somes, then over the years we talked about things as they happened. Hell, I didn't even realize there was a label for people like us until a few years ago!!

Live your life as you see fit for you and your husband. Make sure that the core relationship you and hubby have is strong and built on the right foundations, such as trust and communication. Keep very open lines and TALK TALK TALK, even if the conversations aren't always pleasant, they are necessary. (You'll see this is a common thread of mine) If you talk about what's going on inside, the rest seems to just fall into place.

Good luck and please keep us posted!
 
............. I feel confused and unsure if this is the direction I want my life to take. I also fear both the fact that my relationship with her won’t last forever, as well as the idea that it just might last. It would break my heart to lose her (she feels the same way about me), but at the same time, I’m not sure this is how I want to live my life.

Hi Blueflame - and welcome !


My only thought..........

Sometimes we tend to over analyze and over plan our lives. In the process we fail to celebrate what we have in front of us. Only much later do we look back and say "damn ! I messed that up!"

I suggest.........flow with it. Cherish what you have. Don't pollute it with plans & expectations. It may or may not last 'forever'. But if you just nurture it the pieces that are truly special DO last........forever.

GS
 
hi blueflame - and welcome !


My only thought..........

Sometimes we tend to over analyze and over plan our lives. In the process we fail to celebrate what we have in front of us. Only much later do we look back and say "damn ! I messed that up!"

i suggest.........flow with it. Cherish what you have. Don't pollute it with plans & expectations. It may or may not last 'forever'. But if you just nurture it the pieces that are truly special do last........forever.

Gs

well said!!
 
Thanks for your thoughts, Danny. And I suppose you’re right about having to actually make a decision. I think I just worry about suddenly realizing, years later, that I’d made a mistake that could have been avoided by some careful forethought (not that I haven’t give everything involved a lot of thought, mind you). And, of course, I don’t feel like my relationship with my gf is a mistake. I guess I don’t know what I’m trying to say...

My husband and I do talk a lot, and we’ve always had amazing communication. I think that’s why this has all worked out as well as it has. I’m also lucky that I have good communication with my gf as well.

Anyway, thank you so much for your comments.
 
Sometimes we tend to over analyze and over plan our lives. In the process we fail to celebrate what we have in front of us. Only much later do we look back and say "damn ! I messed that up!"

I suggest.........flow with it. Cherish what you have. Don't pollute it with plans & expectations. It may or may not last 'forever'. But if you just nurture it the pieces that are truly special DO last........forever.

GS

You're right. I know I definitely tend to over analyze. I'm one of those 'planner' type of people, so I tend to feel like I need a plan for everything. Thank you for your suggestions. I'll try to keep them in mind.
 
Welcome to the forum, sounds like you are on your way to a successful relationship.

I definitely fall in line with analyzing more than celebrating. Its very much a learned skill for some of us...
 
Welcome to the forum, sounds like you are on your way to a successful relationship.

I definitely fall in line with analyzing more than celebrating. Its very much a learned skill for some of us...

Thank you. Yes, I think you're right. Sometimes it's hard to let things go and let life take you as it will. Involves some amount of surrender, I think, something I'm not very good at.
 
Awww, that is a sweet story, one I can sort of relate to.

The long distance thing is hard, for sure, but there are also huge gifts in that.

I am new to this situation as well and in the midst of NRE I can absolutely see the benefit of forced time out.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Warmly,
Sumx3
 
Awww, that is a sweet story, one I can sort of relate to.

The long distance thing is hard, for sure, but there are also huge gifts in that.

I am new to this situation as well and in the midst of NRE I can absolutely see the benefit of forced time out.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Warmly,
Sumx3

Yes, the long distance is a little rough, but we talk frequently online and through text messages, and we visit each other every month or so. I also write her letters and send cards through snail-mail. Are you also in a long distance relationship?

I wish my NRE had lasted a bit longer than what it had. I was still trying to get my 'feet wet' with being with another girl and just enjoying the closer contact, but I felt a little pushed into a more physical relationship with her (by both of them) than I was ready for and I think that sort of killed some of the NRE for me.

I hope things are going well for you and your new relationship :)

Thank you for your comments.
 
Hi Blueflame!

I HAVE been in LDR's, but no, I am not in a LDR at the moment. Our GF lives just up the street! And further more, is a close part of both our work and social life.

I have no complaints, just wanted to say that I can see the benefit of the LDR; )

We are fresh, fresh, fresh and I figure things will either steam up or simmer down- right? I have had a few moments of needing some timeout but I really do not have much of a retreat place for that.

I am a little concerned for you that you felt forced into the physical aspect a little earlier than you were anticipating. Have you communicated with them about that? Are you doing okay with that now?

Wishing you the best,
Sumx3
 
Hi Blueflame!

I HAVE been in LDR's, but no, I am not in a LDR at the moment. Our GF lives just up the street! And further more, is a close part of both our work and social life.

I have no complaints, just wanted to say that I can see the benefit of the LDR; )

We are fresh, fresh, fresh and I figure things will either steam up or simmer down- right? I have had a few moments of needing some timeout but I really do not have much of a retreat place for that.

I am a little concerned for you that you felt forced into the physical aspect a little earlier than you were anticipating. Have you communicated with them about that? Are you doing okay with that now?

Wishing you the best,
Sumx3

How great that you all live so close. :) I hope things work out for all of you. It's an exciting time.

I'm sorry to hear you don't really have a place to retreat to. Having time for yourself is so important, I think. I think in that aspect, having a LDR works aright for me even though it's a little hard because both my husband and gf tend to show love most strongly physically (hugs, kisses, snuggling, etc), while I'm more of an independent type who doesn't prefer physical love over other forms of love 'languages'. So I think I'd feel a little overwhelmed right now if she lived nearby.

Yeah I have talked to them both about how I felt. I guess I'm okay with it now, since really you can't re-do the past, but I do feel slightly resentful because I don't feel like I was able to ease into that with her and I feel like I lost something, or rather missed out on something, because of that. But it was the heat of the moment. I tried backing off, but she wanted it and he was watching and wanted it to happen, and I guess I wanted it too, just not then and not that quickly, but I just sort of gave in since they both really wanted it to happen.
 
Right. You can never go back to holding hands.

I hope that your new experiences are filled with so much rightness that the little wrongness at the beginning fades in the distance. That should be easy if you are now being treated with the kind of love and respect that works for you.

Your story mostly touches me because my partners could be, like you; stating that they felt forced into a situation with each other because of what I wanted. So, thank you for posting.

I am reminded to step outside of my expectations and to allow folks develop at their own pace. And to also clearly state my truth and desire without being coercive. Tricky.

(I am going to try to find some "time out" this week. SO much communication, I need some downtime to process- I am suddenly happy for the work week to begin)

Warm Regards....
 
Back
Top