Is "Distance" Really Important for Online Dating?~

No dice. I'm incredibly terrible at joke getting. In fact, I struggle with most things that are generally considered obvious. But I'm *awesome* at making simple things complicated...
 
I don't like to waste time online/texting because too often I've met someone and had zero chemistry or attraction.

*nods*.. this..

Its funny how many people complain about being lead on, online. When the simple reality may be that online chemistry does not always equal chemistry in person.

I have to meet the person, usually quickly, in order for me to judge friend, foe or relationship worthy.
 
I remember reading in Sex at Dawn about how humans can "smell" whether someone is a good genetic match, and that it plays a huge factor in mate selection... which translates to partner attraction in the "we're not just baby machines" world of modern life.

I thought it was especially interesting the way the birth control pill masks our ability to sense those factors, and so when some women go off it to start making babies, they suddenly discover they're not that attracted to their partners anymore.
 
If I had great online chemistry with someone but no chemistry in person, I'd just continue the relationship online rather than throw it away altogether. I don't have a goal of turning every relationship into a local one anyway. Though I doubt chemistry would be a big deal for me in the first place, because my intimate relationships don't even have to be romantic.

Of course, I'm fully aware that I'm a weird one, and the above would only work with equally weird people, but I do think my long-distance SOs are the same type as me. :p
 
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If I had great online chemistry with someone but no chemistry in person, I'd just continue the relationship online rather than throw it away altogether.

Of course, I'm fully aware that I'm a weird one, and the above would only work with equally weird people, but I do think my long-distance SOs are the same type as me. :p

I don't think that's weird at all. That's actually a really good solution to the problem.

Anyway, non-weird people are boring.
 
The idea of a strictly online or LDR doesn't appeal to me in the least. Frankly, I regard people who say they're "in love" with someone they've only met online, or that they're "in a relationship" with someone they only see once or twice a year with a good dose of skepticism. I'm not on dating sites to find a pen pal. I either respectfully decline or don't respond at all to people who contact me from far away, or who only visit my area once or twice a year.
 
I think it depends on how you relate to people and/or what your love languages are.

Personally, I value quality time and physical touch and need those to establish any kind of meaningful connection. Therefore LDRs/strictly online relationships don't work for me - I could probably make it work to someone I have been established with for a while (for example, if hubby had to move and I couldn't, we could probably make it work), but for new people, no way. Someone who values words of affirmation or gifts could quite easily maintain those kinds of relationships.

I also don't really understand falling in love over the internet. People tend to misrepresent themselves online, so until you've experienced each other in various situations (both IRL and online) then I don't know how you can KNOW you're in love.
 
Frankly, I regard people who say they're "in love" with someone they've only met online, or that they're "in a relationship" with someone they only see once or twice a year with a good dose of skepticism.

A lot of people say the same thing about people who claim be "in love" or "in a relationship" with two people the same time.

Skepticism is fine, but it's presumptuous to believe you're capable of determining whether someone's feelings are real based your own inability to connect through a given medium.
 
I think it depends on how you relate to people and/or what your love languages are.

Personally, I value quality time and physical touch and need those to establish any kind of meaningful connection. Therefore LDRs/strictly online relationships don't work for me - I could probably make it work to someone I have been established with for a while (for example, if hubby had to move and I couldn't, we could probably make it work), but for new people, no way. Someone who values words of affirmation or gifts could quite easily maintain those kinds of relationships.
I actually value quality time and physical touch much more than words of affirmation or gifts. Gifts are of zero importance to me. Words of affirmation may be a bit more important in online relationship than in-person ones, but still not super important.

For me, quality time doesn't have to be in person. A good email conversation or online chat is my quality time. Or maybe I value the underlying intellectual and emotional connection more than actually spending time together. Physical touch is an interesting one. It's my highest score in the 5 love languages test and I enjoy it very much, but I don't absolutely need it in every relationship. It's an expression of love, but not a requirement for me to feel love or establish a connection. But that's just me.

A lot of people say the same thing about people who claim be "in love" or "in a relationship" with two people the same time.

Skepticism is fine, but it's presumptuous to believe you're capable of determining whether someone's feelings are real based your own inability to connect through a given medium.
I wish there was a "like" button to click. :)
 
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I have online friends, like Ari, whose lives I enjoy hearing about and whom I hope to meet someday.
But I can't get to "dating" or "partners" without the option of regular in person contact.
(hopefully I dont offend him with this exampl) but, taking Ari as an example. His personalit completely appeals to me. Conversations with him are interestig and thought provoking. I like his devotion to his family and I think he is great dating material.
BUT-he lives so far away, I have managed on three occasions in four years to make it to the area he lives and all three times, he was away for work. SO YEAH-there is NO WAY that would erupt in "god I love you Ari lets have skype sex" or whatever.
Likewise, (just to take Ari out of the hot seat) I often find myself intrigued and interested in getting to know nycindie and Marcus. But seriously? When the hell woukd we EVER meet face to face? I am in Alaska. Traveling to Nyc is freaking EXPENSIVE and even if I got there, whose to say she'd be available to hang out?
 
People tend to misrepresent themselves online, so until you've experienced each other in various situations (both IRL and online) then I don't know how you can KNOW you're in love.

Yep. The feelings you have may be real, but it's way too easy to project and fantasize about a person who is nothing more than pixels on the other end of the computer, or a voice on a phone. It is too easy for someone to always put their best foot forward through media, they can cherry-pick what they show you about themselves. I'm fascinated by the show (and film) Catfish, where these poor souls get it into their head that they're in love with someone they've "met" online, only to find that person doesn't even exist. Their heartbreak is real, while we watching wonder how they could possibly have been so naïve.

I'm also aware this might be a generational thing. Internet dating is still new to me, but I think for younger people who grew up with social media permeating their lives, it seems to be more accepted that one can "fall in love" though the computer.
 
You mean you've never met someone who misrepresents themselves in person? How many people have found out some deep secret about their life partner, and come to realize that they never knew them at all?
 
You mean you've never met someone who misrepresents themselves in person?
You know, I fairly recently encountered someone who fits that description. It took me a few months of fairly consistent face-to-face time before I could no longer not see the mask slipping. It might have easier to fantasize for longer if the relationship was online or long-distance. But I saw how they moved through the world, how they treated others, how they responded to spontaneous situations, and I realized that what this person said and what they did weren't synched.

How many people have found out some deep secret about their life partner, and come to realize that they never knew them at all?
You just reminded me of another interesting show, "Who the Bleep Did I Marry?" about people who find they married a serial killer or dated a guy who kept girls in the basement. So yes, it happens IRL too.

But so much communication is non-verbal. Body language, voice tone. I would argue we even send each other messages through smell, and we certainly do through touch. Without face-to-face l contact, or with very minimal such contact, you're missing a large piece of the puzzle.
 
I believe that most of the folks who are able to fall in love with someone they've only met online have had face-to-face meetings, in a sense, through Skype and other types of video chats, including cyber sex.

I don't think I would enjoy a totally online relationship at all, and am also quite skeptical whenever anyone says they fell in love with someone they've never met in person - but then I think about the olden days of letter-writing. Quite a few romances happened and thrived via correspondence without photos or anything else. So I know it's possible, though unlikely for me to find myself in that kind of situation.
 
I actually vastly prefer long distance, at least as long as the timezone difference isn't too crazy. R. and I are hitting the six year mark for our 'ship in July - she's in England, I'm in Germany, and we never once met in meatspace; it's not terribly likely that we'll do so anytime in future, either... and we're still doing fine, thanks. Never expected that I'd have a sane, happy, long-term relationship like this before she stumbled into my life. :)

Of course, one of the big perks of poly is that she can be with local folk for whatever meatspace activities she feels the need/want for (including sex, duh), and which I can't and/or won't make myself available for. Neither of us has to bear that horrid burden of making the other perfectly happy by oneself - we just spend quality time together, which in our case happens to take place online.



That said, if someone does explicitly state that they don't do LDR in a dating profile, one should respect that and just check them off of the list of potential partners, no matter how interesting they may sound/look otherwise. Every dealbreaker criterion is a valid one and needs respecting, and they're all subjective. It's okay to be incompatible, and the sooner we learn to humbly accept that, the easier life becomes, IME.



EDIT: Wow, I rate as Senior Member now? Funky. :cool:
 
Be sure to get your Senior discounts. ;)
 
Unfortunately, the profiles I respond to often only have the "preferred area" feature of the website (OkCupid.com) and say nothing else on the subject of distance.~

Thank you all for your wonderful inputs on this subject, I hope to hear and learn more!~ ^_^
 
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