Doom!

opalescent

Active member
This is a personal rant. I read folks posting about their situations. And frequently, I think to myself, 'Oh, this is going to end badly for all involved.'

My feelings of doom are not always accurate. Some folks do figure stuff out. We don't get the other sides of the story and people often don't update. But, yeah, my initial impression is often correct and it all ends in tears.

I generally don't post on such threads. Other folks here have much more ability to be helpful than I do - I really admire those folks.

I could tell them that they are in midst of NRE, to get a grip and slow down. I could tell them to look at similar situations on the forum for lessons. I used to do that kind of post more. But often I have nothing to contribute beyond a general sense of impending doom on their part. And that is just not useful to them or me. So I refrain from posting.

But it is frustrating. I would prefer to tell people about that oncoming train toward which they are running headlong. I would like people to be able to hear the warning whistles.

*sigh*
 
I see that it frustrates you. It happens. I hope a vent helps you feel a bit better.

I would prefer to tell people about that oncoming train toward which they are running headlong.

The telling? That is your behavior that you can control. And the how and when of the telling. So if you want to tell and share your POV, tell. That's what forums are for -- sharing things when you feel like giving input.

I would like people to be able to hear the warning whistles.

That's another kettle of fish. People's ability to be open to receive? That's partly based on their willingness skills, perspective, ability, emotional state at the time, etc. Even if they listen, they could choose to do otherwise.

When I read doomy sounding things, I try to just accept it as it is. THIS is the situation at hand. I try to share my POV. Then let the person find their way in their situation at hand -- processing and arriving at their next choice for themselves. They are the ones living their life.

We are all free to choose. We are not free of the consequences of our choice. That is actually a truly wonderful thing!

As for the development of good judgement? People are people. They get themselves into Life, and then the struggles and problems of living their Life.

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." NIV

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

Will Rogers

"Just when you'd think they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. Often the same individual was involved. It was this freewill thing, of course. It was a bugger. "

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett.

Life is wonderfully weird. Humor helps. It helps me, anyway.

Galagirl
 
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This makes me want to ask you a question. In all of your time here, how often have you read about a situation that you have never heard of before, one that makes you think "Holy cow, *this* is something different! No idea what might happen here."?

I have searched the archives until my eyeballs are dry and dusty, and still can't find anything that is even close to my own situation, so even after all the time I've been lurking, I still don't have the answers I came looking for. Sadly for me, I can't explain either, since these details are about my girlfriend's personal life, and I don't have her permission, and she doesn't post here.

I did talk briefly with one person here I felt safe with, and I got the impression he had never encountered anything exactly like it either. So even with all the experiences this board has to offer, I'm still in the dark.

What advice might you offer someone in my position? Do I just need to man up and ask girlfriend directly if this forum is anonymous enough for her to feel safe with basic facts being revealed?

I'm sorry if this derailed your intent for this thread, but it caught my eye.

Thanks. :)
 
@Student,

Yes, I'm new to poly - just a few years in - and there are situations where I just shake my head, and say that's a new one.

The forum is searchable by Google so if you give out too much specific information, people could possibly figure out who you and your girlfriend are. If you keep personal and location data generic, that is one way to guard your identity. Also don't use a screen name you use anywhere else.

However, Private Messages are not searchable. (Dear forum friends, if this is not true, please jump in now and correct me!)

You are welcome to PM me if you like. I don't know what help I may be but I'm happy to listen.

Also, if you find someone on the forum whose posts resonate with you, many people here are open to getting a PM from others. You can PM people without interacting with them first - although that is helpful.
 
The first year or so, I was compelled to say "OMG THAT'S A TRAIN TRACK!"

But, after 3+ years of watching people insist that theirs isn't a train track, continue on and then whine and cry when the train runs them down-
I find myself frequently just browsing and scrolling through without comment.

Occasionally something touches me for one reason or another and I post. More frequently I get pm's from random new posters who've read something I wrote previously asking me my thoughts on their situation. THOSE I much more enjoy replying to, because they also tend to be the people who are interested in actually doing something with the suggestions.

Student-I can honestly say that I can count on two hands how many times I've read situations on here and thought "WOW how unusual! Never heard/seen anything like that before."
At the same time, there have certainly been situations where it looks obvious as heck-and turned out to be something altogether different.

Anyway-feel free to pm me if you want another perception on any given question/thought. Can't say I would have the answer you need-but always willing to consider.
LR
 
Trainwreck. Not track.
 
no, train track-they are on the train track-heading for the wreck that comes when the train crashes into them. :)

The trainwreck is people like me who post after they already created the crash. :)
 
Everyone's on a train track lol LIFE is that track.. The train just seems to be whichever problem/decision you are facing at the time.

So far, I haven't been chased down by the train too bad usually because I come across a track switch. One of those points with the lever.
To say I avoid is an understatement but posting here has certainly open my eyes.
Reading situations for me as a newbie is very much an OMG moment every day but I also think I share the same fore vision as the OP. Maybe I'm just a pessimist when it comes to some situations but I read and scroll and retain, and sometimes am left speechless. I try not to post where I feel I can't help.

There should be a page engine that gives the reader an option to choose a positive icon or a negative icon. Lol not unlike the infamous "like" button only more focused on impending "doom" or "bliss" LOL:cool:
 
If I come here and start "I need help with this" threads, I pretty much need to be told "this is going to end badly."

I generally ask for advice in one of two circumstances:

1: I can't figure out the problem and I might be overlooking something;
2: I have figured out the problem, I don't like the answer I arrived at, and I'm really hoping just this once it's a case of #1.

I am very good at figuring things out. #1 does happen sometimes, but not as often as I'd like. Usually, when #1 does happen and I stop overlooking whatever it was I was overlooking, it becomes #2. Generally, if a problem isn't impossible or at least extremely difficult to solve in a way that I like, I would have solved it already.

If I was smart I would write off dating as something I'm really bad at and give up. However, I figured out pretty early in life that I learn more by being stupid. So, I'm determined to keep trying until I get it right, and then keep trying until I get it right some more.
 
I thought so. :D

Xared, I'm hittin you up when the time comes then cause figuring is not my strength but advice is. Hmm? Coincidence? LOL
 
This is a personal rant. I read folks posting about their situations. And frequently, I think to myself, 'Oh, this is going to end badly for all involved.'

I not only feel that way about almost every situation I've read about but *also* about a majority of the responses they get. It looks to me like a situation fully on fire and people handing them lots of tools with which to make sure the fire is incapable of going out lol
 
Just my personal opinion, but sometimes it's not about fixing that fire but the ones in the future. When I first started here almost 3 years ago our train wrecked before I even knew what was going on. I was given a lot of advice, a lot of tools and a lot of help. Some of it really did help with the situation at hand, some of it couldn't fix the current problem but gave me a new way to look at things and new tools to keep it from happening in the future.

I learned a lot through the help I got on here that not only helps us in our relationships, but day to day stuff too.

So while you may see the train heading for a crash, sometimes it needs to in order to be rebuilt with the new tools and equipment provided.
 
Friends, foes, and food for thought.

I always look for postings that resonate with me - where I feel I have a perspective that might help a person feel supported, heard, or empathized with. I shy away from situations where I have no real life experience. I also find myself jumping in when I feel that someone is being badgered or judged by people with lots of opinions, but little in the way of practical experience.

I have a couple of real-life friends who have disastrous relationships. Listening to their issues, I can see the outcome from fifty miles away. Does this stop me from being a caring, compassionate ear to them? A support system when shit does hit the fan? Nope - it's not difficult for me to accept that we're in different places, and be a friend to them just the same. They can see things about me that I can't see, and vice versa.... And once in awhile I am genuinely surprised by how things turn out - a friend who married a man after knowing him for two months now has three children with him, a business, a home, and they are super committed and in love over a decade later. 'Splain me that!

People surprise me constantly. I say if some posts drive you barmy, skip 'em.
 
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