jealous of sub

Juliana

New member
I have been in polyamorous relationships for nearly 20 years, and have had surprisingly few horrible bumps. I am married and am also in a semi long distance relationship with another (all above board). He (the non marital partner) is a dom, but considers me his girlfriend, spiritual and life partner and a queen :) more than a sub. He has had subs while we were together and always valued and prioritized my time with him, which is hard to arrange due to having families and living far away. But we prioritized our relationship and he put me first. Recently he opened up his current sub relationship to include love and romance and meeting eachother's families, spending holidays together, the whole deal. I see him less frequently now but he swears his feelings for me haven't changed. I am confused because the sub role and partner role have been different, and I do not know how to handle the shift. Do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture. There are only 7 days a week, right? I understand that oxytocin is fun and I know he is excited to love someone who is available. I get that my problems are about me and my needs. But I am devastated. Ready to sabotage and give up something precious to me, and scared I will. Feeling like a jealous child and am feeling quite judgmental of myself about that. What is ok to ask or expect? I have no idea because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. Any supportive insight would be appreciated. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared.
 
Sgt.

Sorry. But frankly you ARE acting like a spoiled child. Have you considered the possibility he loves her not because she is more "available," but because she has a lot to offer? You've been spoiled because you've always come first to him. .... but now he's found another. He's poly, though, and has given you every indication that he is not replacing, but adding to his life. Will you get less affection? Probably not. Will you get less time? Absolutely. Stop resenting him for being poly.... and maybe spend more time with your husband? You don't sound like you appreciate the extra time you'll get with him. ....Or use that time for self development. Acting needy will only drive the boyfrIend away. .. especially as he's been respectful of your time with YOUR primary.
 
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I don't know why you thought a sub wasnt a partner to begin with. It seems like you took security in being above a sub in some sense and now you've found out that having a sub doesn't mean it isn't a relationship like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. In fact, kinky people are more likely to settle with someone who is also interested in having kink based sex and/or relationships because of the added compatibility. Instead of taking comfort in you, the vanilla girlfriend, being above any sub he had, you should have thought about negotiating a non monogamous situation that privileges your relationship. Too late now.
 
I don't know why you thought a sub wasnt a partner to begin with. It seems like you took security in being above a sub in some sense and now you've found out that having a sub doesn't mean it isn't a relationship like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. In fact, kinky people are more likely to settle with someone who is also interested in having kink based sex and/or relationships because of the added compatibility. Instead of taking comfort in you, the vanilla girlfriend, being above any sub he had, you should have thought about negotiating a non monogamous situation that privileges your relationship. Too late now.

I agree... I hope my response didn't indicate that I felt kink relationships weren't "real" relationships ;)
 
I agree... I hope my response didn't indicate that I felt kink relationships weren't "real" relationships ;)
No, your response didn't even include the possibility that anyone would think that, as in, that's utterly ridiculous and of course the OP knows that a D/s relationship isn't automatically less than any vanilla relationships.
 
No need to get down on yourself. Jealousy is natural, even in poly relationships. What you can do is back up just a bit, identify exactly why you are jealous, and develop a plan to deal with it. This is an excellent opportunity for personal growth and I have found it also offers a chance to make your existing relationships more fulfilling. Try to avoid letting your thoughts get bogged down in the things that trigger the jealousy when it makes you feel bad and instead try to examine why they are triggers and how you can help yourself get your feelings more in-line with what you want them to be. Allow yourself to focus on the things that make you feel right and positive, as this will help over time to shift your focus to a more positive and happy one. Take comfort in both your relationships, the love they show you, and don't get down on yourself for the things you cannot control or the positives someone else has that you don't think you have. You are loved by two wonderful people who love you because you are wonderful too. It's difficult, but you can do it and come out better. Blessings to you while you deal with these difficult feelings.
 
I see him less frequently now but he swears his feelings for me haven't changed. I am confused because the sub role and partner role have been different, and I do not know how to handle the shift. Do not understand whether I will still fit into the picture.

Could tell him you are confused right now. And to get "unconfused" you would like to talk and come to understand how you still fit into the picture so you can handle the shift better over the next X weeks/months. Is he willing to have that talk?

  • Time needs to be made for him to spend with his other partner.
  • Time needs to be made to spend with you.

Sort out your time management. If you want to know what time will be spent together -- could ask him out Or if you are "schedule" people rather than "spontaneous" people, could ask him what his thoughts are for what "our night(s)" will be over the next X months so you can know what you expect.

Merely having needs for clear expectations in a time of transition doesn't make you needy or dependent. You could be adding to your own burden by thinking/talking down to yourself like that. You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and feeling.

If right now you feel scary stuff like this....
Feeling like a jealous child and am feeling quite judgmental of myself about that. What is ok to ask or expect? I have no idea because my brain is getting scrambled and my fears are taking over logic. Any supportive insight would be appreciated. I am feeling so weak, sad and scared.

JUST YOU

How do you talk to yourself in your head? Because emotions are just emotions. If he's given you no reason to doubt him, you could answer BACK to the feelings of internal weather -- that it is just weather of anxiety. He's never gone nutty and he's not going to suddenly start NOW. In the past he has always treated you well, he's (list the stuff to yourself) and do some self-reassuring. That's an intrapersonal skill you could grow so you feel less anxious about changes.

It will blow on through if you let it and if you can self soothe. It just takes TIME to get used to the new normal. But change doesn't have to mean instant DOOM! You don't have to sit around thinking doom-y things cranking your own anxiety up. You are the one doing the thinking. Think something else, something based in actuality to counteract "fears" or "what ifs" or "perceived reality."

THE COUPLE

Everyone feels jealous at times. It's not a feeling reserved only for children. Maybe reading that together helps -- esp page 5 or 6 things?

There's a change to weather here, and to weather it well together -- you could talk to each other about it so that all players here get most of their needs met. If you have a hard time articulating what you need, could circle words from the list. Then could organize it as to what needs you would like to ask yourself to meet for you, and what needs you would like to ask him to meet for you. Then ask.

Then you are doing behavior to help you wind it down so you can relax rather than behavior that cranks you up into an anxiety ball. And you are part of the couple that is ALSO doing things together to help transition well so you can relax.

Remember to BREATHE. Don't hold your body tense... that adds to your anxious feelings.

If you catch yourself doing behavior -- stop to ask yourself. Me doing this is ADDING to my problems or TAKING AWAY from my problems?

You will be ok.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Thank you to those of you who put compassion, reason and thought into responding instead of just throwing insults. I talked with him, and in fact it was not me being a spoiled brat like a couple of you threw out so enthusiastically. There were some real things going on and some fairly important adjustments made. I was hoping this might be a good forum for dialog about dynamics in poly relationships and wonder if perhaps I triggered a couple of you? Anyway, I hope things go well for all of you and that you find support from eachother.
 
Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanilla and that kinky people prefer sub relationships, do not assume and judge. I am pretty far from vanilla and we go all kinds of places. Relationships are not so black and white as that.
 
Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanilla and that kinky people prefer sub relationships, do not assume and judge. I am pretty far from vanilla and we go all kinds of places. Relationships are not so black and white as that.
No, that is not what was said. What was said that for a kinky person, a kinky partner offers extra compatibilty. It was you who thought you'd automatically come before any sub your partner had, it was you who saw the relationship as less than what you guys had. Unfortunately, you found you were wrong. And yes, looking down on kinky relationships in that fashion is offensive so I, and perhaps others too, did answer with an air of hostility against that belief. I don't know why, now, actually, because it was the person who held the offensive belief that ended up with egg on their face. Hopefully a lesson well learnt.
 
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Oh and ps to whoever said that I am vanillaand thatkinky people prefer sub relationships,

No, that is not what was said. What was said that for a kinky person, a kinky partner offers extra compatibilty

Op identified as not sub, she said she was above sub, or said he said that but I think she probably projected that belief onto his words.

He (the non marital partner) is a dom, but considers me his girlfriend, spiritual and life partner and a queen more than a sub.
 
Are you claiming that only subs and Doms are kinky and that anyone who is in a non-D/s relationship is vanilla?

That you are even aware of the term "vanilla" implies you have enough exposure to know otherwise.

Gralson and I do not have a power exchange relationship, but we're anything but vanilla. Would you care to see our collection of floggers, paddles, ropes, and clothespins?
 
The OP said she isn't a sub, she is a girlfriend. You saw that right? She doesnt have a PE relationship with this guy. No idea what they do in the bedroom butshe said that she is his girlfriend. OP is his girlfriend, other woman is his sub. OP thought that all subs would automatically be beneath her place as girlfriend, she found out she was wrong.

Kinky sex is all good but many people want the wider relationship too, so regardless of what OP does in the bedroom, someone who is up for a PE will have added compatibility. So no, someone who doesn't have PE relationships but does have kinky sex isn't necessarily vanilla but they also lack the added compatibility someone who wants PE relationships seeks.

I'm not saying that the OP has no place in his life anymore, but it isn't surprising that he, a Dom has found a compatible sub, and has fallen head over heels.
 
Juliana, it sounds like you're feeling a loss because what you had before has changed, and you weren't prepared for it. Maybe you're wishing that life could go back how it was, and mourning over the realization that this wish will not come true.

Your polyship has moved from one where you are in more of a "primary" role to more of an "equality" role. That in itself isn't so bad. After all, you are married and so your non-marital partner has always been in a less-focused role than your spouse. Perhaps you can empathize with him wanting to have a partner in his life who is available for a more full-time type relationship.

It seems as though the biggest hurdle is overcoming your expectation that the situation was never going to change, and now it has. As mere humans, we have a tendency to get attached to certain arrangements and outcomes. While we're well within our rights to fight for those outcomes, usually it's more productive to change our expectations to be more in line with the facts.

If you've been polyamorous for 20 years, then you've probably been in relationships where you were not their sun and stars. From now on, this relationship will be just like those. The only difference is that this time, you recall another arrangement with him. You may even feel the need to mourn the loss of this arrangement, as it was clearly very precious to you. Going forwards, you're likely to find more happiness in the new arrangement by letting go of the attachment you have to the "primary" role and remembering that he can share his love with other partners without taking love away from you.
 
No idea what they do in the bedroom butshe said that she is his girlfriend.

Exactly. You have no idea what they do in the bedroom, so why label her as vanilla?

You're always free to read between the lines, but that means sometimes you'll guess wrong. When someone points out that you guessed wrong, the graceful response is "oops, I misunderstood, sorry" and not to keep arguing your point just because you won't admit your mistake.

I'm not saying that the OP has no place in his life anymore, but it isn't surprising that he, a Dom has found a compatible sub, and has fallen head over heels.

Maybe not, but it's unkind to dig around in the wound of someone who is hurting. If someone is told that their relationship will be treated as a priority, and then that changes, it's natural to feel shocked and devastated. Telling her she should have seen it coming is not helpful advice and contributes nothing to the discussion, aside from pumping up your own sense of superiority. Mislabelling her only salts the wound.

I've made the point I have to make. Knowing your argument style and your need to have the last word, I don't expect you to let it lie, but I will disengage from discussion on the matter.
 
It was the OP that differentiated her relationship as the girlfriend (a vanilla relationship model) from the other woman's relationship as a sub (a kink relationship model) and assumed the kink relationship model would be inferior to the vanilla relationship model. This has nothing to do who has what type of sex, it is to do with relationship models.
 
OMG, some people are just real gits you know that?

This woman was obviously upset and jealous and self aware enough to say so!

Do you know how many people we get here who lack self awareness and come on here demonising metamours because they don't realise that the problem lies with them and not the other person?

This OP recognised her problems and was asking for help to deal and the first responses she gets are 'Spoilt brat' and (presumably, I have "London" on ignore) indicating she is incompatible with her partner?

Shame on you! Pathetic responses, if you are unable to even understand what an OP needs, why bother responding at all.

Good Grief, you shame us all.
 
I didn't say she was incompatible, I said a kinky partner has added compatibility with a kinky person thus it is illogical to think that a vanilla relationship model would inherently take precedence over a kinky relationship model when the person concerned ids as a Dom.
 
It is certainly hard to go from being the number one priority to feeling pushed aside and de-prioritized for the new shiny one. I wasn't able to cope with that in a past relationship myself.

Is he willing to talk to you about how you are feeling? Is she? Could the three of you talk together?

Natja, I was applauding at your post. I too do not see a point to this forum unless we are here to try to help instead of attack.
 
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