Just LR

Oops, I thought Maca's gf sent the text, not sure why I interpreted it that way. So, okay, Maca did, hmm. You (and we) know he has had problems with your relationship with GG all these years, and it has always puzzled me especially given what a stand-up guy and treasured member of the family GG has been for so long. This seems like a cycle Maca insists on perpetuating. Every time you think you're making progress and moving forward - Maca has to take two steps back and freak out. At some point, he has to stop indulging in that shit. I don't think there's anything you can do except for being your usual no-bullshit ethical self. You've got enough years' experience to rely on your intuition and common sense where he is concerned. But if Maca is to get anywhere, like out of the hole he creates for himself time and time again, he needs to pull himself out. Not drag you down with him.
 
I agree with SN, while it sucks that Maca still has such a strong negative reaction to hearing about you and GG, that text actually seemed like a very mature way of letting you know what to expect from him while taking complete responsibility for his own feelings. That's exactly what I would want from my own partner.

It really sucks about this situation with his gf. I think I would have major problems with a partner of mine dating someone who didn't like me. :( But it really is a separate issue from him saying "This affected me more than it should have, it sucks that I feel this way and I know it's not fair. There's no need to process over it, but I wanted to own my shit and give you a heads up so that you dont misinterpret my issue as being your fault" which is how I read his text.
 
First-thank you everyone for replying.
My frustrated emotion-was the timing of the text, not the content. The content (as noted repeatedly) is nothing new. Everytime ANYTHING in his life isn't going exactly as he wants it to-he has issues with my relationship with GG. Shrug. Mostly-I ignore it.
But, that he sent me that-after giving me the info about the other woman was annoying AND that he then pointed out that he had ALREADY told her about his frustration with my blog post (thus again complaining about me to her-even though the fall out from him doing that before has YET to be addressed).
It pisses me off that he lumps multiple difficult topics into one space of time, its VERY annoying.

As for the blog-the point behind why I named the post MY BOYFRIEND, was to let him know it was about MY BOYFRIEND which he doesn't like to read about. But, he chose to read it ANYWAY-even though he (admitted today) KNEW he shouldn't. So, he did it to himself. It IS my blog and it is my POLY blog-so it stands to reason, I'm going to talk about BOTH of my relationships. He doesn't have to read it all if he can't handle it.

On the other hand-he's a grown up-3 fucking years this week. Seriously, its long past time that he figure out that GG is a significant and meaningful part of our family who has earned his position in our family.
Sigh.
 
It reads to me like you are seriously angry at Maca and are transferring that anger to her.
Also, yeah, don't tar the Muppets with this! I know GG uses that term but I love the Muppets and would not mind being in a Muppets situation at all!

Maybe Fraggle Rock? Avenue Q? Real Housewives?
I'm furious with both of them. Mostly (at this point) for dragging this shit out over SO MANY FUCKING MONTHS. Not once (and I've been asking since the first week of January) has she agreed to sit down with both of us to discuss OUR boundaries. HE continues to talk to her.
In my personal world-that is BULLSHIT on both of their parts.
I didn't have time to write out my WHOLE thought process last night-but believe me, I am definitely addressing my anger towards him-to him. I can't address my anger to her (except here) because she fucking won't allow me to have her email, phone number or mailing address. So, I have no way of contacting her directly. (which is ANOTHER of my bitches regarding her).

BUT-yes, in the heat of the moment-it all just mixes into one ball of fury and like gala girl said-I needed to go take some time for me, because I just couldn't even deal with any of it-much less piece it all out one at a time.

As for Muppets-I like them too. But, I also get her point, which is that they function like spoiled children much of the time, and while it's hilarious on tv-it's NOT hilarious when people behave that way in relationships. It's a royal pain in the ass.
As I tell my kids, just because a (pick a child 3-5 year younger than them) does that and its cute-does NOT mean its cute when someone your age does it-because by the time you reach your age, you should know better.
 
I see two totally separate issues.
1. Maca has issues hearing about your sex life with GG and ALWAYS has
2. You have issues with Maca's interest in the 20's something twit.

I think your issues with the 20 something are escalating things, that would be an issue in any case. Personally, I see nothing wrong with his text. As soon as I read the blog post, I was wondering how Maca would deal with reading that much detail. I give him kudos for recognizing that this is setting him off, giving you a heads up and realizing this is his to work through. I would have a discussion with him and ask if next time he wants a heads up to avoid that post or not, or together you can come up with a code or something where he can decide to read or avoid based on his mood at the time.

I personally can deal much better with emotional triggers, if I have some warning. I have sent similar texts (about other issues), and then been able to have a rational discussion about it later. Being able to express these triggers without fear of a massive explosion, is extremely helpful. It also helps me work through things and it doesn't bother me so much the next time. Sometimes, it is the tiny small things that we can do differently that can make all the difference in the world.

Not going to address the issues with the 20 something gf. "If you can't say anything nice..." Eventually, the blinders will come off, just stand your ground in the meantime.
I agree, the text itself wasn't a big deal-that he chose to read the blog even though he DID have warning and new what it was about-that's on him.
But, I don't mind him sending me those types of texts per se-I DO however have an issue with the fact that he tells me shit that he knows is going to trigger me-and then pulls the 'I'm too emotional because of something else' card. DON"T FUCKING BRING UP TRIGGER TOPICS IF YOU ARE ALREADY NOT OK. That's NOT reasonable communication behavior. That is intentionally manipulative and destructive behavior.

One issue at a time, if you want to talk about HER-then we discuss her and if you want to discuss HIM then we discuss him. But, don't bring up her and then tell me that we aren't discussing it because you are feeling triggered by the topic of HIM.

ANNOYING.
And-of course-it only results in neither of us getting shit for sleep-and spending the following day (today) arguing through it all anyway. UGH UGH U GH UGH .
 
You (and we) know he has had problems with your relationship with GG all these years, and it has always puzzled me especially given what a stand-up guy and treasured member of the family GG has been for so long. This seems like a cycle Maca insists on perpetuating. Every time you think you're making progress and moving forward - Maca has to take two steps back and freak out. At some point, he has to stop indulging in that shit. I don't think there's anything you can do except for being your usual no-bullshit ethical self. You've got enough years' experience to rely on your intuition and common sense where he is concerned. But if Maca is to get anywhere, like out of the hole he creates for himself time and time again, he needs to pull himself out. Not drag you down with him.
Sigh. Yep. I know. But, thanks for repeating it.
 
I agree with SN, while it sucks that Maca still has such a strong negative reaction to hearing about you and GG, that text actually seemed like a very mature way of letting you know what to expect from him while taking complete responsibility for his own feelings. That's exactly what I would want from my own partner.
I agree it was a mature way to handle his feelings.
But, making plans with someone who hasn't done the dirt work to resolve the issues created by them and him in order to HAVE THE RIGHT to go hang out-was not and that was the first thing he did.
THEN when he had to tell me he did that-he gives me this text as an "out" for why he wasn't up to discussing it.
Not cool.
What he wrote-was fine.
But-his method and order of operations was totally fucked up.

Interestingly-they have that in common.
She SAYS all of the right things-very well actually. Extremely well versed on what to say.
But, her actions COMPLETELY contradict her words and THAT is beyond frustrating at this late date.
 
And then there is today.

They've been talking all day-we've been talking all day (all via text).

I don't even know where it stands at this point.

She told him she thought everything was fine, based upon something he told her I said-which never should have been said to her, because it was personal between us.

Now he tells her, well no not really, you still need to resolve things with LR and of course that sets her off.
Ironically-the whole thing is stupid-because
SHE is the one who wanted the WHOLE FAMILIES to be friends-but
SHE is the one who is avoiding even TALKING TO ME (or anyone but Maca).
How the fuck is THAT supposed to work?
Obviously, it hasn't worked for 9 months because IT ISN'T GOING TO FUCKING WORK. (rolling my eyes).

I KNOW a large part of the issue is his less than stellar communication skills.
But DAMN-how long can you drag it out before you say "look fuck this, I need to talk to your wife cause this shit isn't making sense?"
I mean really-ESPECIALLY when said wife is CONTINUOUSLY requesting to talk to YOU?

I really just don't even want to fucking deal with poly anymore-because I am so tired of dealing with STUPID and UNNECESSARY DRAMA.

Even GG commented today that he feels like he should just cut his losses for my benefit-because he loves me and it hurts him to watch Maca use him against me-and continue these asinine behaviors which destroy the family.

Fuck.
 
Ohhh. Dang, yeah, that all puts things in more context. :( So lame. I guess you can force him to make a choice here or you can just determine to ignore their relationship as completely as possible.
 
Annabelle-
yeah, I know. I have to decide which route to go. I know I didn't give enough detail to make much sense in MOST of what I wrote this week. Because I've got too much going on and I keep popping in, venting and then running off to deal with the next issue.

But-I do appreciate the feedback from everyone-it really does help me to keep perspective on a lot of it and to consider other avenues and options too.
 
Wouldn't it be so much easier if I could just find some perfect woman, who was intelligent, thoughtful, conscientious and had like-minded goals, expectations etc for him.

:p
 
I have a headache from trying to follow this.
 
Did you take down your post about GG because I don't see any of your posts in the last few days with the tag "Boyfriend" or were you talking about your other blog? Maybe he read it because the tag wasn't there?
 
Oh LR. I am so sorry you're still dealing with the circles. I know it doesn't help with the current situation, but Karma and instituted a "Don't talk about me" rule. I don't think they realize the conflict it causes. When you vent to one partner about another, especially when they have nothing to go on other than what is being told to them, they create an image of you based on hearsay. It's caused a lot of issues for me with the people Karma has dated. If he needs to vent about me, he needs to do it to the friends who know me, who can give him true feedback about things. Not to someone who has no idea who I am and no idea of the context, history or flow of our relationship.

It seems positive that Maca is finally able to express his feelings on things. But it seems that he still isn't able to see your side of any of it. This makes me question if it's such a good idea for him to be involving himself with anyone, let alone some one who is perceiving you so negatively. One thing I have learned on this journey is that if the core isn't healthy and stable, nothing else is going to be either. Which I am sure you are well aware of. I just hope Maca is able to see that and do some more work before jumping further into a situation that is obviously causing a lot of issues.
 
Mohegan-
Thanks. It's been a frightfullly long and frustrating weekend. I don't know what he understands or what he doesn't. I'm flat exhausted from trying. I feel much the same as I did after my surgeries, except instead of it being purely physical exhuastion from my body needing to heal, it's emotional and psychological exhaustion.

I did try to institute the no talking about me rule. It hasn't gone well. I don't know.

He told me today that the reason he wants someone "so bad" is because "I don't want to be alone". I stopped talking because there is nothing good I can say in reply to that.
If I were a "potential" and I found that out-he'd be off of my list of possible dates immediately. I'd be so damn offended his head would spin with my exit. I feel much the same even though it's not me he's chasing.
I can't find appropriate words to explain my reaction of complete and utter disgust-so I haven't tried to say a word about it.
:(
It's disturbing to think about because it takes me all the way back 15 years, to when our relationship started, wondering if that's the reason he hooked up with me? Sure, NOW I've "earned my keep" so to speak and we have all sorts of combined responsibilities. But, was the key first reason just so he wouldn't be alone?
I'm not sure I want to follow that train of thought, because frankly, it makes my stomach churn considering the possibility of being used just to fill the empty space in someone's life. Fucking disgusts me.
 
Wow.. Just wow. :(

We had drama all weekend, with Maca deciding he wasn't going to deal with her anymore unless/until she made plans to deal with the issues with all three of us and go over the boundaries-then contacting her (behind my back) back and forth and back and forth.

Sunday we went over the secrecy and lying and how unacceptable that is. Better to tell me he changed his mind (even if it is every hour) than to lie and sneak around behind my back.

Monday after work, we were sitting on the couch together. He got a phone call-he didn't recognize the number, so he read it off to me. I didn't recognize it as one I knew offhand (and said so) but I did recognize it as a local land-line number. I was online, so I typed it into the search engine. But, my internet was slow. He answered before it found the business-a local florist.

I heard the conversation. Part way through he took the call outside allegedly to get an address for the caller.

When he came in again, I asked him what that was all about. He made up a story about it being his co-worker, a very detailed and complicated line of BULLSHIT.
I replied with, "so he was calling from the business he was at?"
He said no, he was calling from his cell.
I pointed out that no, that was a local landline-not a cell.

Meanwhile, as he elaborated on his lie-in great depth, I typed out a fairly quick email, to him, stating that I know darnwell his co-worker doesn't work at the local florist and asking-why are you lying to me.

I was so upset, I couldn't talk. He noticed my hands were shaking and I stood up, nearly dropping my cell. I was so astounded at the audacity of the lie and the deliberateness of it and the great depth he went to, to convince me of it. I was speechless.
He asked me if I was ok. I said, "No. No I'm not. I can't talk. I emailed you."
Then I went to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet burst into shocked tears.

After I calmed down some, I went to our room and lay in the bed trying to reason through WTF had just happened, before I confronted him.
But, I knew he'd been up for over 24 hours at that point and was exhausted-not the best time for such a serious conversation.

I decided to go pick up homework from a friend and let myself cool off-waiting til morning to confront the topic.

I came upstairs and let him know. He had read the email and was devastated. He wrote me back an "omg how could you ever forgive me" email while I was gone.

But-at 3am, he woke up (medicated unbeknownst to me) and flew off the handle. We had a HELL of a fight. He basically blamed it all on me. Told me I always have to have everything my way, that I force him to live life my way and I don't care about what anyone wants but myself (things she has suggested based on BULLSHIT he's told her). He threw it in my face that I have GG and he is "alone" (even though I NEVER EVER make plans with GG if Maca is available) and accused me of not allowing him to have someone else (again-NOT TRUE).

Anyway-I was devastated.
About 6am he apologized and said he didn't know what he was thinking blah blah blah and wanting me to tell him what to do to fix it.

That continued to flip flop through Tuesday with him alternately wanting to cuddle and make love ( I refused) and then being pissed off that I was "being a bitch" and blaming me for everything and then being apologetic for everything again and wanting me to tell him what to do to fix things, what I wanted etc only to fly off the handle when I told him no-this was his mess and it was his job to figure out what HE wanted and what HE needed to do with it.

By Tuesday night I was such a mess, I had to walk away and ended up sleeping on the couch.

This morning at 6am he woke me on the couch being sweet, told me he would be back to pack his things after work.
I didn't reply immediately and he asked me what I was thinking. I said, "you need to do what you need to do."
He got pissed and sat down and said, "well you won't TELL ME what you want me to do."
Then he stormed out of the house in a fury.

I texted him that no, I can't TELL HIM what I want him to do-because that results in him later saying I MADE him do what I wanted-and he needs to decide what he NEEDS TO DO.
He was pissy and went off about how he doesn't know what to do and I'm making it more difficult.

At 6:45 I called him and asked him how he expects me to answer "what do I do" without telling him what to do. He was all mellow and apologetic and told me there wans't any way (or reason) I could answer that. That he needs to figure it out for himself, that he was being unreasonable and that he can't even remember what HAPPENED the night before because he took 5 prescription pain pills (normal dose is 1/2 a pill) "hoping I wouldn't ever wake up".

WTF?!?!?!?!??!

This afternoon his boss and friend sent him home sick from work (sick as a dog coughing and hacking). He's been passed out on the couch sick for the last 5 hours.

I'm devastated.
I'm pissed.
I'm astounded.

I don't even know what to SAY.
I could try to get him put in the hospital-but they won't admit him unless he's willing-(have some experience as my parents work in that field up here).
He won't go willing-so that is a waste of energy on my part.

WTF.

(that's mostly rhetorical)

When he came home-he asked me if he could have a few days to get well before dealing with anything. So... I'm sitting here.
I can't argue that trying to deal with stuff when he's so ill is unreasonable.
At the same time-HOLY FUCK!
 
Hugs!

Unfortunately there is no "getting over" the lying thing. It stays in your head and comes back to bite when you least expect it. Apologies are only a starting point. When my husband asked what he could do, I had to say "NOTHING, there is nothing you can do other than spend the rest of our marriage NOT lying to me. I will never forget and will always have some doubt.", likely how he feels about learning about your affair. It can lessen with time, but the doubt is always there and if we allow it can eat us alive. While the irrational back and forth can be attributed in some part to the OD on pain meds and lack of sleep, it will be easier to work through when rational minds prevail.
 
Am I reading that right?

He overtook medication on purpose to try to stop living? Like a suicide attempt?

GG
 
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