No one gets frustrated dealing with the same issues over and over again from mono partners dealing with jealousy for their poly partners, or people trying to move from cheating to polyamory.
You obviously don't read my posts
No one gets frustrated dealing with the same issues over and over again from mono partners dealing with jealousy for their poly partners, or people trying to move from cheating to polyamory.
What about the wives and husbands who suffer the fallout of a triad gone bad?
I have no problem with triads/quads/etc. Find them to be the most stable relationship structure, even more so than monogamy (I know four is supposed to be the "most" stable number, at least in numerology, not sure where it comes from, really). So a quad would be the most stable? Maybe? Not important.
I do think that so many couples do group relationships very poorly, which makes it all the more frustrating for those of us who very much consider the needs of all involved.
Definitely in Fetlife but I think I've seen women here too who readily admit that they aren't really bi but think with enough practice, they will be. Sometimes it will be a kink based relationship dynamic that compels them to attempt this, other times not.london - ha!
Speaking from within a not-yet-triad situation, I can say (based on an earlier comment by london, I think, plus something Natja said) that one of the NICER things, for me, is that I'm not the sexual centerpiece. That whole porn MFM thing? Yeah, not so much.
When reading around, my wife gets irritated by the suggestion that she "became" bi to please me. Yuck - the concept is awful. It doesn't describe her and her "mostly straight" ways. She doesn't see herself as bi or poly, not at all. She has a girlfriend, but even the word "girlfriend" bugs her. AM is part of her life, they make love, are best friends, don't name it, it's just AM. AM feels the same way toward her.
Frankly, neither wants to be associated with "poly" when they see the attitude of conversations on boards like this. It's one reason this thread is interesting to me, seeing the space of responses, but I'm different from the two of them...
Being in...a triad...and also part of what I call an N... I suppose I could talk about either side of this conversation.
... people who write in talking about their personal circumstances (say, starting married and perhaps opening things up in small steps, or enjoying being with couples because they like the dynamic of joining something established) and get pounced on with questions that others seem to not get asked. Have you thought of THIS, have you considered THAT, and so on. Many of the questions imply that the member of the couple or the person joining a couple is a dumb-ass, or self-centered, or rude to the others in the relationship, or lacking in the wisdom that is this forum.
Which may be true. Yeah, people opening up don't know what people who have lived this way for a while know. But the pouncing is what looks different.
Like Magdlyn I made a disastrous mistake also, I am not really able to talk about it still as it is too painful (really dedicated people can easily find out) but I would never, ever want any one to go through what I went through. I wish people wouldn't cling to this fantasy I really do, because I don't want them to feel that sort of pain, but I DO realise that people have to make their own mistakes also. It is hard to find the right balance sometimes.
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Frankly, neither wants to be associated with "poly" when they see the attitude of conversations on boards like this. It's one reason this thread is interesting to me, seeing the space of responses, but I'm different from the two of them...
@FullofLove Weren't you in a triad where you had certain restrictive expectations of your girlfriend concerning her baby making? I'm sure I read an old thread recently. That's not to say your feelings didn't evolve over time if it was you, just you'd have more insight into someone who does have those expectations and how they feel perfectly reasonable at the time, at least.
As for the labels, they bug me. "Unicorn hunters" and "swingers" are looked down on, who gets to decide this?
...Wait a minute, they are on a board with hundreds of members, asking for advice, and they get ton of it, from well meaning people, and then they feel piled upon!
Like Magdlyn I made a disastrous mistake also, I am not really able to talk about it still as it is too painful (really dedicated people can easily find out) but I would never, ever want any one to go through what I went through.
Honestly, I don't believe it's wise for anyone to deliberately seek out specific relationship models, with rigid expectations and catastrophic consequences if things don't go exactly as planned. I think it's a bad idea for monos, polys, triads, and any other type of relationship model you can come up with. From all the relationships I have been in personally, observed in real life, and read about here and on other forums, it's become abundantly clear that the best relationships develop when you abandon your intent and just let life happen.
It's important to understand the order of events. First, there were people who looked to "complete" their relationship with a very specific type of woman with virtually unattainable characteristics. Often, they disrespected the autonomy of the woman they're seeking. Who gets to decide that disrespecting someone's autonomy is deplorable? I do. And I'm in good company. So first these people were out there doing this thing. It was only when they reached a critical mass that other people went "Wow, this is really a 'thing.' Let's give them all a name so that we can refer to them more easily. They're looking for something imaginary. Unicorns are imaginary. Let's say they're hunting unicorns."
It simply wasn't the case that first there were these women out there looking for couples to date, and they were like "Hey you know who else likes to date couples? Unicorns. So I'm going to call myself a unicorn, because that means someone who likes to date couples." No. Unicorns are just horses with a magical pole sticking out of their forehead.