In need of help :(

lemondrops

New member
Hello!

I am new here, as you can probably guess. The reason I am here is because I have been together with my dear boyfriend for 2 years and for the latest part of it he has insisted on polyamory. For the past week, however, this has turned ugly. Sad, heart-breaking and ugly. :(

When we got together he did not know about polyamory, but discovered it later. I was shocked and lost it everytime we talked about it. Otherwise, our relationship was very good, we are close, talk about everything, want to be together for the rest of our lives, talk about having kids and getting married and I have never doubted in those plans. However, polyamory still was and has been the topic that makes me yell, scream, cry, break stuff. And makes him be annoyed with me. I must say that I do not like the idea of having multiple partners, it actually scares me tremendously. BUT it is not so much that I yell because of polyamory, I yell because it seems that my boyfriend think only about polyamory and his polyamorous future. He has made me feel worthless, disposable, being replaced, not enough and I feel I am bound to get hurt, so how in the hell could I support it?

This past week has been the worst in our relationship. It all started with him finding some article on polyamory and wanting to post it on his Facebook profile. I immediately felt threatened. The problem is that he talks openly about what he wants, but for some reason he tends to emphasise things that are not that pleasant to me, while I would sometimes just like to hear good things about this all idea. I know the bad things, so when I am sad and losing it, I would like him to support me and I want to feel that I am important. It is almost as if polyamory has turned into a person who I need to compete with and who is sitting in the corner all the time laughing at me and wishing me to have a horrible future.

However, I had two breaking points yesterday. We seemed to have made up and were close again and friendly. I really felt hopeful towards the future after a long time. Firstly, when my boyfriend wanted me to listen to his reasoning that polyamory is good for US, not him, that there are so many monogamous relationships that go to waste and he wants to be with me forever, so we should try something else, but only up to the point that it makes everyone happy, no forcing. This made me laugh at him. I was all "sure, we were happy before this polyamory and we would be so close without it, so no way could we benefit from it in the future". However, yesterday, for the first time I understood him. I did not necessarily agree 100%, but understood him and felt glad that he cares about our happy future.

Secondly, for the first time I really felt that I don't care if he talks about polyamory or monogamy or whatever, I just want to be with him and want him to want to be with me. Polyamory should not be the reason to break up with the love of your life, cheating, hurting the other and so on should be. I want to support him, not 100% on this, but I do not want him to have extra problems beacuse of me. I am just so sick of this fighting and not being close to him. :(

However, even after those progress-points we ended up fighting again and he claims that he needs to be away from me for a while and has decided to start spending a lot of time at the library. I am not sure about this. I mean for the 2 years of our relationship we have been together almost literally 24/7 and sure, we don't have many hobbies or jobs outside our home, so maybe this has added to the tension, but I think it is mostly because of the polyamory burden we both have been carrying. I mean if I have to be scared all the time that maybe he really does not love me and wants to replace me then I do not feel safe and close up and don't want to be as close as I could be. And we both feel distance because of it. But we almost solved it now, so why does he have to be away from me? Ok, I must admit that I would like some "my time" as well, but it still scares me. I just want us to be us, loving each other and happy, I am sick of this polyamory bullshit, all I have been doing is reading about it and I feel it never ends, I want acknowledgement for my progress, not him leaving me alone at home. :(

I have been reading KatTails' blog and it really touched me and I felt EXACTLY the same. The situation is different, but the emotions are not. I did not know whether to make this post here, or should I start my own blog here? Or are there some rules as to who can do it? I really need help. My relationship is not what it used to be but I want it back, I want my close, loving boyfriend back, but what should I do? What about this him being away from me more than we usually have been? Oh my. :(
 
However, polyamory still was and has been the topic that makes me yell, scream, cry, break stuff.
No, you choose to react to the topic by yelling, screaming, crying and breaking stuff. You may not be able to control your emotions, but you can control your behaviour.

I must say that I do not like the idea of having multiple partners, it actually scares me tremendously. BUT it is not so much that I yell because of polyamory, I yell because it seems that my boyfriend think only about polyamory and his polyamorous future. He has made me feel worthless, disposable, being replaced, not enough and I feel I am bound to get hurt, so how in the hell could I support it?
Again, you yell because you choose to yell. Nothing is taking control of your vocal cords and forcing you to do it without conscious volition. If this is not the case, seek medical and/or psychiatric attention.

I mean for the 2 years of our relationship we have been together almost literally 24/7 and sure, we don't have many hobbies or jobs outside our home, so maybe this has added to the tension, but I think it is mostly because of the polyamory burden we both have been carrying.
This is not a healthy way to run a relationship. How can you be a good partner to someone when have no time to yourself? If it wasn't polyamory, you'd be concerned about the housework burden you've both have been carrying or the videogame addiction burden you've both have been carrying.

I am sick of this polyamory bullshit, all I have been doing is reading about it and I feel it never ends, I want acknowledgement for my progress, not him leaving me alone at home. :(
What progress have you made that you feel you should be praised for?
 
If you haven't already, search for 'mono/poly' and read the many, many threads about this topic. You can be mono and he can be poly and both of you together can be happy. But it is hard.

What you are describing is not uncommon for many folks exposed to the idea of polyamory recently. Many people who are more inclined to be mono feel as you do - he will love you less, you are replaceable, you should be all he needs and so on. It is totally ok to feel these things! You need to feel them in order to understand what is going with you. Ask why you are feeling these feelings. Why do you feel replaceable? Why do you feel unlovable? After all, he is still with you - obviously he values you. Otherwise, he would just leave.

You may find that the answers to these questions have nothing to do with him, or with poly, or your relationship at all. We all bring baggage from our prior experiences, from growing up. That baggage is often not all bad either. You may be telling him that you feel unloveable and replaceable because he wants poly when what may be going on is that you are telling yourself a story that you are fundamentally unloveable and replaceable. I use 'telling a story' to illustrate that these things that go through our heads are often what we tell ourselves - but that they are not factually true. You are lovable. You are not replaceable. Your boyfriend's suggestion of poly cannot change that basic fact. Nothing can change it.

However, after examining your feelings and after reflecting, you may be fundamentally incompatible with him if he is serious about wanting poly relationships and you ultimately want a monogamous relationship. If this is how things shake out, it doesn't make you a bad person. There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy if that is what feels right and best for you. People can make relationships where one person is mono and the other poly work. But it is not easy and it may not be what either one of you want. Let each other go in that case, and be grateful for the lessons each of you learned from the other.

But it is not ok to throw things around him because of what you are feeling. It is not ok to yell at him because of what you are feeling. It is ok to have different styles of fighting. That's really common too. You may not feel that yelling is a big deal, especially if it is something that your family did. But for someone like me, who did not grow up in a family that yelled or even had loud discussions, yelling is incredibly painful and disturbing. I have no idea if your boyfriend is similar to me. But if he is, then that may help explain his desire to be around you less. This is a very bad sign.
 
Contrary to popular mythology, you need a lot more than love to keep a relationship together.
 
"back in the day" I talked frequently (off this site) with Kattails and the girlfriend.
My husband felt similar to Kattails when the topic of poly was... Dumped on his head by me.
Its been 3 years 6 months since that.
In the last 6 months we have actually found a peaceful camaraderie IN our poly dyynamic together.

I will say-a mono-poly relationship can't work unless BOTH of you let go of trying to get your way. You need to each let go of the other person. Re-connect with your individuality and learn to identify what you (as individuals) NEED vs what you want.

I like to use the comparison to BDSM contracts, hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are non-negotiable needs. Soft limits are negotiable wants.
Things can be one and later become the other. But you need to be able to separate them in your mind AND express to each other clearly what those hard limits are.

If the hard limits are incompatible, there's no option for remaining together.

My bf is mono. He's clear on his hard limits. But-he also is clear on mine. There's no room in our relationship for power and manipulation games. If he needs my attention, he says "I need attention." if he feels insecure, he says he feels insecure. But he doesnt guilt trip me for "making" him feel that way. They are feelings and they are his. I love him. I am devoted to him as much as I am devoted to my husband and my kids (feel free to read my blog if you want details). But, I am not responsible for his feelings and he is not responsible for mine. We are responsible to care for and support one another-which means reassuring that yes I love him when insecurity hits. But, it doesn't mean pretending I am anything but a polyamorous, bisexual woman. It definitely does not mean NOT being who I am or doing what I *need* to care for me.

You need to do some serious soul searching. Can you accept him as he is? Whoever he is? Accepting meaning that you dont use who he is against him, you don't demand he be someone he is not? Can you be happy with who he has expressed he is, doing what he's told you he intends to do?
 
... It is almost as if polyamory has turned into a person who I need to compete with and who is sitting in the corner all the time laughing at me and wishing me to have a horrible future...
(

I think that my husband felt this way at one point. He always knew that I ID'd as poly but we had had discussions and came to agreements on the majority of fronts. But sometimes, I would be on some kind of a "poly" kick and he would notice that I was re-reading "The Ethical Slut" and something would kick in and he would feel that somehow he wasn't providing something that I needed from him. His insecurity buttons would be pushed...and it was hard for me to find the reassurances that he needed.

The only thing that I could ever come up with was...I didn't EXPECT him to meet each and every one of my "needs/wants/desires" - I thought that that was an unrealistic expectation. SO, I would never leave him for not living up to that. Finally, when push came to shove, he actually realized that for himself - but, it wasn't something that I could realize FOR him.

For the poly person - THEY are NOT looking for a "replacement", so I think that it is hard for them (me) to see that it may look like that from the other side. The (potential) new person is not "better" but different - a complement to the existing partner, not a competitor. Not an "OR" but an "AND".

BUT, if YOU want a partner who only wants YOU - then there are plenty of mono-minded people in this world. YOU deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills YOU and makes you happy - as does your current partner. It is no more fair to expect him to change to be the person you want him to be (i.e. a monogamous one), than it is for him to expect you to change to be the person he wants you to be (i.e. someone who is ok with him pursuing polyamorous relationships).

If what you want out of a relationship is fundamentally different...then, it is different. And if you truly "love" each other, then you will let each other free to seek the life path that will make you happy - rather than stay together for "love" and be miserable but together.

JaneQ
 
Woah... well, let me say something.

I have a feeling that he wants some alone time, not only because it's not healthy to be with someone 24/7 as you claim, but because (not trying to be mean here) you don't sound very mentally stable.

I wasn't very happy when my mate told me about it the first time either, but I didn't throw a fit. I was thankful that he was trusting enough to tell me about that stuff. We've had some conflicts lately, but I'm still trying to keep an open mind. Hell, even my two closest relatives and some friends (yes, they know) have told me that he's a good guy and I should trust him.

If you react so violently whenever he's trying to be honest with you, you will cause him not to tell you anything anymore, he's going to feel that you don't trust him and you're going to drift apart. Honesty is a good trait, keep that in mind.

If you are feeling so insecure, try asking a counselor or a psychologist. They will be able to help you cope better.
 
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There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are totally enough and totally fine.

But this is like marriage or kids. Some people want to be married. Some not. Some people want kids in their future. Some people want to be child free. It's a "basic incompatible" -- that is nobody's fault. Everyone has the right to have their future shaped the way they hope/want it. Some things you could be ok compromising on. The color of the couch. Some things -- NO. It is a dealbreaker. You could be on different points in the spectrum of how closed and how open:


monoamorous and monogamous <-----> monoamorous and open to poly friendly <---> polyamorous and polyfidelitous/closed <----> polyamorous and open


Another "basic incompatible" issue could be where you each lie on the spectrum of

independent <---> interdependent <---> dependent

None is wrong, but each has a flavor. If independent is (1) and dependent is (10)... A (2) and an (8) are going to have a hard time being together. The (2) will feel suffocated if they try to meet the "togetherness" factor for the (8). The (8) will feel neglected and lonely going the other way.

But a (4) and a (6) don't have to bridge a gap that wide so they could function ok together.

Polyamory should not be the reason to break up with the love of your life, cheating, hurting the other and so on should be.

He is "a" love of your life. He always will be. But he doesn't have to be "the current, active love of my life" if it turns out that this is the end of the line on this one due to basic incompatible.

Polyamory IS a reason to break up if it is a basic incompatability issue. Take his name out of it for a minute.

Do YOU want your romances to come in a polyamorous shape? Or are you happier/can better thrive in a monoamorous AND monogamous shape?
Could you be happy being monoamorous in a polyship with someone? Where your partner is the shared hinge person in the "V?"

If the answer is "no -- totally unappealing to me!" then as painful as it is... you are dealing with a basic incompatible. You could be coming to terms with that and dealing with the stages of grief. It is disappointing to think about, but remember YOU are responsible for your own well being. You HAVE to consider these things in the name of your own LONG TERM well being.

Don't be afraid of some short term break up suffering to gain LONG TERM well being here. You may not want it or like it -- but it could be healthier for you to end the romance and be friends instead. You don't have to lose each other. Be friends and you could lose all these yucky feelings though trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.

  • You trying to embrace polyamory when you really have no desire or willingness
  • Him trying to embrace monoamory when he really has no desire or willing.

If you need more materials to read to determine where your willingness lies:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

But as a general temperature check on yourself? Answer these super honestly --

1) Are you willing to go there?
2) Do you go there with joy in your heart and spirit?
3) Is it healthy for you (mental health, emotional health, physical health and spiritual health?) and healthy for others?
4) Do ALL THREE of those things have "yes" answers?

If not? Don't go there. Some things in life are not "win or lose" but "this stinks and that stinks. So which choices stinks the least for me?"

Choose well.

Galagirl
 
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So sorry you're in this predicament. I do hope you can get ahold of your violent outbursts. They're counterproductive, and make it almost impossible to have any kind of civilized discussion.

So you want monogamy, and he wants polyamory. I'm guessing he already has someone in mind, based on what you told us in your initial post. Since he does not yet have your blessing, that would be cheating. I'm REALLY hoping that's not the case, but I've been in your shoes before. Can you account for his time "at the library"? Does he keep his texting and emails carefully guarded? Has he made any changes in his apperance, clothing, etc.? Sometimes people become "converts" to the idea of polyamory retroactively, to justify an affair. If this is the case, hold his feet to the fire and make him accountable for his betrayal of trust. In this case you'd have some important decisions to make. Polaymory must come from a place of trust and honesty. Openness. Do you guys have that?

In any event, you guys are going to have to have some long, intense discussions. In an adult, civilized fashion. Have you guys considered marriage counselling? Sometimes that third party can force couples to have better, more focused, less antagonistic, discussions.
 
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If you are feeling so insecure, try asking a counselor or a psychologist.

I'm with the obese rodent; the conversation you ought to be having is about yourself, not your significant other. They want something different than you do, this happens and is nothing to get freaked out about. Wild, violent, and uncontrollable outbursts speaks to some serious emotional instability.

My all purpose "relationship problem" cure:

1. Get a hobby that does not involve your partner. Carve out time in the week for "whatever" time. Treat this alone time as if it is just as important as couple time. Spend some time experiencing the world as an individual.

2. Establish financial independence (if you don't already have it). This means, get a job, don't depend on another human to sustain life. It builds confidence and takes some of the burden off of your partner.

3. Get some exercise. A body that actually gets utilized is a high octane machine of awesome. A body that is sedentary and eats a bunch of junk is a breading ground for more laziness and depression.

4. For gods sake stop talking about "fixing the relationship". Relationship is simply a word we use to express people being involved with each other to some degree or another. Your relationship is not a thing, stop trying to fix it. You want to be happier in your life and in your relationship? Improve your outlook, get some exercise, find something that interests you, respect yourself... and viola, your relationship will change.​
 
Thank you everyone for your posts. I must say that I maybe left a bit of a wrong impression of myself. That is, I do not yell like a madman on a daily basis without no reason. This has only happened during really big, scary and important fights and I am in no way proud of that and have done my best lately to not do it. :p

Firstly. Someone asked what kind of progress have I made and there are different things. I need to make it clear though that I would be willing to accept polyamory only if it would make me happy. Would it? I am not sure. I am quite sure that I would prefer monogamy, but only because that is how I have been thinking for my whole life and that's the only way I have had the opportunity to witness with my own eyes. If my boyfriend could still give me as much love and attention as now, then I would really not care if he wanted polyamory or monogamy. As long as he does not hurt me by going crazy with NRE (which I must admit is one of my biggest fears). Another big fear is that we MIGHT understand polyamory differently. In my opinion when two people decide to go from a mono relationship to a poly one, then there should be no need to start flirting with every single girl who you might see on the street or wherever. I would respect polyamory that happens because it happens for a reason. If someone would meet someone besides their already existing partner and then they would all see if this could work out because true feelings are at stake. But I do not like, I actually hate, the idea of my boyfriend losing his mind when we go out and starting flirting with a ton of girls who just seem to have a friendly and a pretty face. This just seems wrong. As general and not 100% true my statement is, I think that attraction and real feelings should come before a group of people decide to go poly, especially if it has to do with a relationship that was mono, not that polyamory comes first and acts as if a permit to show interest in and have sex with whoever is available, basically trying everyone because you can. But I am afraid that my bf does not really believe in that, as when I asked him if I said "sure, let's try this polyamory", would he flirt with 20 girls the next Friday we go out to a party? and his response was "Why not?". Umm, ok, but how should I, the already there partner should feel about that? Having to know that my bf has found someone he truly likes and who I know would be thinkable (I am not willing to accept everything that freely yet, but getting there;)), but seeing him act like a kid in a candy store would definitely hurt and in my eyes he would not be that intelligent nice guy anymore.

As to my progress, what I meant by it was that I am not fighting against anything anymore without giving it a chance (a chance in theory first) :). I have been reading lots and when I usually flipped out when I saw someone describing their polyamorous life of antidepressants, tears, loneliness, having their significant other's t-shirt to hug at night, because he in person is out having fun with some new girl, then now I don't, because my bf assures me that this is NOT what he wants for us. However, as I must admit that he is kind of naive, I am sure that he would NEVER let something like that happen on purpose, but these situations might just arise, as we are humans and I think it is ok to be afraid of those them. :eek:

However, my main problem now is that all my bf and I do with this topic is exchange articles and forum pages to read. And I feel lost and left alone to deal with all this. And today my bf really went to the library to have some of his own time and I did my stuff at home. It went very well and there was no awkwardness about it, I mean, it is only normal. But what saddened me a tiny bit was exactly the fact that when he came home, he did not focus his attention on me, but started doing the "regular at home stuff", like being on Facebook, cooking, playing computer games. I have not said anything bad about it, but as I feel that the topic of polyamory is very fresh, we should talk about it. And to be honest, I hoped that he would start the conversation, as he knows that I have struggled with it in the past, but have been very open in the last few days, reading articles he sent and sending some to him. I am doing better, but I still want help and his support, he is the one who brought this into our relationship and I am not accusing anyone in no way, but I feel like if he wants it and I have shown signs of "okay....go on?", then he should be extra positive and assuring on the topic of our love and commitment when it comes to poly. Unfortunately, I feel alone and under a burden of information and fears that he could make go away, but he seems to be too busy with his own stuff. He has always been the science-geek kind of a guy, and I have liked it, but I wish he could come down to the emotional-person level a bit more. Days ago he promised to write me a letter based on emotions and fears, like a little help-you note that I could read every time I am confused or scared and just a nice letter of saying "I am thankful that I can write to you about polyamory and I will do it in a way that makes you feel very much wanted as opposed to what you are afraid of." But, unfortunately, he has not done it. And he has not sent me forum posts of real people living a wonderful polyamorous life, only scientific reasoning on why people should be poly. This is ok, but he nows that this is not the best way to reach me, so I have been a bit disappointed, as I definitely speak the language of emotions and experience, not the language of rationality and facts.
 
When we got together he did not know about polyamory, but discovered it later. I was shocked and lost it everytime we talked about it. Otherwise, our relationship was very good, we are close, talk about everything, want to be together for the rest of our lives, talk about having kids and getting married and I have never doubted in those plans. However, polyamory still was and has been the topic that makes me yell, scream, cry, break stuff. And makes him be annoyed with me. I must say that I do not like the idea of having multiple partners, it actually scares me tremendously. BUT it is not so much that I yell because of polyamory, I yell because it seems that my boyfriend think only about polyamory and his polyamorous future. He has made me feel worthless, disposable, being replaced, not enough and I feel I am bound to get hurt, so how in the hell could I support it?

Hi, Lemondrops. I think you've said two things there that bother you: 1) the idea of your boyfriend with other partners, and 2) what you perceive as your boyfriend obsessing about polyamory and (I assume) by extension neglecting you. The rest of your post seems to me to deal with both things, so I've got to ask: which is it that bothers you more?

The problem is that he talks openly about what he wants, but for some reason he tends to emphasise things that are not that pleasant to me, while I would sometimes just like to hear good things about this all idea... Firstly, when my boyfriend wanted me to listen to his reasoning that polyamory is good for US, not him, that there are so many monogamous relationships that go to waste and he wants to be with me forever, so we should try something else, but only up to the point that it makes everyone happy, no forcing. This made me laugh at him. I was all "sure, we were happy before this polyamory and we would be so close without it, so no way could we benefit from it in the future". However, yesterday, for the first time I understood him. I did not necessarily agree 100%, but understood him and felt glad that he cares about our happy future.

I believe all human motivation boils down to the question "What's in it for me?". Obviously, people don't all value any particular given answer to that question the same (especially when trade-offs are involved), but that's the question that matters. Basic fact of human existence, as I see it: if someone wants you to do something, you won't do it until you're convinced it's a net gain for you. I've seen more than one post on this forum with someone asking "What was for you in accepting your partner's polyamory?" or "My partner wants a non-monogamous relationship, what can I expect to be in it for me?". If your boyfriend's been offering you unsatisfactory answers to those questions, I don't think there's a thing wrong with you having rejected his answers.

Polyamory should not be the reason to break up with the love of your life, cheating, hurting the other and so on should be. I want to support him, not 100% on this, but I do not want him to have extra problems beacuse of me.

I think GalaGirl's response to this is dead-on accurate. If what he wants/needs from a relationship with you is fundamentally incompatible with what you want/need, it can and should be a reason to break up. If his want/need for some form of poly is fundamentally incompatible with your want/need for mono, then polyamory should be the reason to break up (since if you don't, it'll become something that hurts one or the other of you - which you've acknowledged is a reason to break up).

I mean for the 2 years of our relationship we have been together almost literally 24/7 and sure, we don't have many hobbies or jobs outside our home, so maybe this has added to the tension, but I think it is mostly because of the polyamory burden we both have been carrying.

I'm very sympathetic to your feeling threatened by the idea of your boyfriend being romantically involved other people and your hostility to that idea, since it's pretty similar to my feelings. I'm even sympathetic to your desire to lash out violently in response to being confronted with it, although I don't think acting on that desire is healthy or productive. But I've got to say, spending 24/7 together? That doesn't sound like something that's going to be good for either of you individually or for your relationship with each other. Yes, it's important (especially long-term) to have lots of experiences and form lots of memories together. But it's also important to have separate experiences so the answer to "what did you do today?" isn't always "the exact same thing as you". Plus, I'd think if nothing else a sort of "cabin fever" or "water torture" reaction would set in if you were never doing things either alone or with other people.
 
... we should talk about it. And to be honest, I hoped that he would start the conversation...
Why would he do that? You've shown that you don't want to talk about it in the past by yelling and throwing things. He's probably waiting until you've had time to think about it and feel up to bringing it up yourself.

If you want to talk about it, talk about it. If you want to yell about it, wait a bit longer until you've calmed down enough to talk about it, then talk about it.
 
Let me take the liberty of reframing your last paragraph....

My main problem now is that all my bf and I do with this topic is exchange articles and forum pages to read. Yesterday he went to the library and then came home and did regular house stuff.

I feel lost and left alone to deal with all this and since I feel that the topic of polyamory is very fresh? I want us to talk about it!

I hoped that he would start the conversation. He did not.

WANTS
  • I still want help and his support digesting this material.
  • I wanted to reconnect after the time apart in general
  • I want reassure from him on the poly topic and how it may play out for us if we go there.
  • I want reassure on our love and commitment when it comes to poly.

NEEDS:

  • I feel alone. I need company. Preferably HIS company.
  • I feel under a burden of information and fears. I need to be free of these feelings of YUCK. If we could talk to air out, then my fears could lessen.

SOLUTIONS I HAVE TRIED SO FAR TO MEET MY OWN WANTS AND NEEDS:

I have not spoken up about my wants and needs for reassure from him.
He seems to be too busy with his own stuff. So hasn't noticed and/or has not "mind reader"-ed my need.

Not satisfying to me.

POSSIBLE NEW SOLUTION

1) I change my own behavior. I could speak up and tell him "I need some feedback, and some reconnect, comfort and reassure. Could you be willing to provide this? The reassure could come in the shape of written notes. It could come in the shape of "links to forum posts where people are polyshipping happily."


2) I keep my own behavior the same. I stay silent and keep hoping he will mind reader my wants and needs for comfort and reassure from him.

If that's where we are at? I'd go for 1. Speak up. You can't control his behavior but you are in charge of your own -- so open mouth and clue partner in to your current needs. Talk.

Galagirl
 
You have all of these ideas of what your boyfriend should be doing in your relationship. Your feelings and needs are valid. But only he can control his behaviour. If you have communicated to him what your needs are and he has failed to meet them, then what's in this relationship for you? Never mind polyamory, I'm talking about the relationship itself. Why stay with someone who does not meet your needs? Why commit to someone who doesn't support you when you're feeling troubled, who pressures you into something you're not comfortable with?

In my opinion when two people decide to go from a mono relationship to a poly one, then there should be no need to start flirting with every single girl who you might see on the street or wherever. I do not like, I actually hate, the idea of my boyfriend losing his mind when we go out and starting flirting with a ton of girls who just seem to have a friendly and a pretty face. This just seems wrong.

My husband is an incorrigible flirt. He loves checking out girls, pointing out cute butts, and remarking how awesome it is to have a wife who totally supports his natural tendency and doesn't try to stifle him. He never would have stayed with me if I'd been the type of woman to chastise him for that. I'm secure in my awesomeness and I know he's not going to leave me for some fresh piece of ass, so what's there to worry about?

It's just flirting. I've honestly never understood why some women (it's usually women) make such a big deal out of flirting. It's not like he's running up and humping their leg or asking 20 girls to come home with him on Friday.

His desire to flirt has nothing to do with polyamory. Plenty of monogamous-minded people flirt. Actually, flirting doesn't necessarily even have to do with relationships or dating. For many, it's just harmless fun, a way for two people to interact. It's not so much a "need" as a personality trait. He's flirtatious.

There is no way you "should" feel about that, you feel what you feel. But when you discourage his flirtatious nature, it tells him that you don't accept him the way he is. That makes it another basic incompatibility.
 
I'm guessing he already has someone in mind, based on what you told us in your initial post. Since he does not yet have your blessing, that would be cheating.

I disagree. Being interested in someone else is not the same as acting on it. We humans are accountable for our behaviour, not our thoughts and desires.

Cheating is characterized by lying, pure and simple. Many people who have been cheated on report that it's not the fact that their partner was sleeping with someone else that bothered them, it's that their partner was lying and sneaking around.

If you tell your partner that you're going to have a relationship with someone else, then whether or not they give you their "blessing," it's not cheating. Disclosure allows them an informed decision whether or not to stay with you. Staying with you when you've told them you're having a relationship with someone else is a form of consent.

lemondrops has posted nothing that leads me to believe he's cheating. By the sounds of it, their 24/7 style relationship hasn't allowed him the opportunity. Of course, anything's possible, but I think you're jumping the gun.
 
Let me take the liberty of reframing your last paragraph....

If that's where we are at? I'd go for 1. Speak up. You can't control his behavior but you are in charge of your own -- so open mouth and clue partner in to your current needs. Talk.

Galagirl

Thank you SO much, Galagirl. The way you took my post together will help me tremendously! It will be of much use!

My husband is an incorrigible flirt. He loves checking out girls, pointing out cute butts, and remarking how awesome it is to have a wife who totally supports his natural tendency and doesn't try to stifle him. He never would have stayed with me if I'd been the type of woman to chastise him for that. I'm secure in my awesomeness and I know he's not going to leave me for some fresh piece of ass, so what's there to worry about?

It's just flirting. I've honestly never understood why some women (it's usually women) make such a big deal out of flirting. It's not like he's running up and humping their leg or asking 20 girls to come home with him on Friday.

His desire to flirt has nothing to do with polyamory. Plenty of monogamous-minded people flirt. Actually, flirting doesn't necessarily even have to do with relationships or dating. For many, it's just harmless fun, a way for two people to interact. It's not so much a "need" as a personality trait. He's flirtatious.

There is no way you "should" feel about that, you feel what you feel. But when you discourage his flirtatious nature, it tells him that you don't accept him the way he is. That makes it another basic incompatibility.

Well, first of all, my boyfriend definitely is not a flirt. It is just a fear of mine that maybe polyamory will change him into one. And yes, I would mind that, at least if he were to do it with me standing right next to him. And I know that polyamory is not a "thing" that can turn people into something, but I just have a hard time understanding it as a mono. I just fear that if I give the permission (a bit exaggerated wording), then why not try to get away with everything? I mean if I said I was ok with polyamory, why not flirt with every girl in sight in the hopes of hooking up, because how would a man let loose in he "fun and flirt world" distinguish between serious deep relationship prospects from hot sexy girls who would maybe be ready for some action, although it possibly would hurt the existing relationship. We have talked that relationships with other who I know and like would be negotiable, but random sex with strangers never. This is my viewpoint and he has definitely agreed, although I keep being afraid that maybe when reality strikes he might forget that. I know I am not doing my bf any justice here, because he has never hurt me like that and neither have I, but I just wanna believe that it will stay that way.


lemondrops has posted nothing that leads me to believe he's cheating. By the sounds of it, their 24/7 style relationship hasn't allowed him the opportunity. Of course, anything's possible, but I think you're jumping the gun.

Yes, you are right. No cheating has ever happened. When it comes to him already knowing who he would like to be polyamorous with is a bit different. He keeps on claiming that those people would be someone we know. This makes me question of course "Someone who we already know?? Who then??". Because to be honest, we have a group of friends and they are all common friends, but erm...none of them would ever be interested in my boyfriend. I am 100% sure of it. And the reason is because they see him ONLY as a friend. Just as I see all of our guy friends as just friends. So I don't exactly understand him when he says that, it is almost as if he believes that right now we are friends but polyamory would make us fall in love with each other. This is totally out of the question. There is no secret flirting or whatever among our group of friends, so my boyfriend's idea seems a bit unreal and even a bit weird to me.
 
I disagree. Being interested in someone else is not the same as acting on it. We humans are accountable for our behaviour, not our thoughts and desires.

Unfortunately, there's some widely practiced religions that teach we are accountable for our thoughts and desires. For example, I remember when I was a kid getting dragged to church every Sunday and having to recite the same prayer: "And I confess to the Lord our God and to you my brothers and sisters in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and what I have failed to do." I've only been back to that church once in over a decade, for my sister's wedding, and I can still recite that from memory.
 
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Unfortunately, there's some religions that teach we are accountable for our thoughts and desires.

There are some religions that pass out deadly kool-aid too, it doesn't necessarily make them sane. Even if you did subscribe to this, being "interested" is NOT the same thing as actually taking action to make those thoughts a reality.
 
There are some religions that pass out deadly kool-aid too, it doesn't necessarily make them sane. Even if you did subscribe to this, being "interested" is NOT the same thing as actually taking action to make those thoughts a reality.

I didn't intend to endorse any religions or to say that "being interested" and "taking action" are the same thing, merely to point out that there are more than zero proponents for the idea that being interested is morally/ethically the same thing as actually taking action to make those thoughts a reality. There are large, widespread institutions that spread the idea "you're a bad person for wanting to do something bad whether you actually do it or not", and there's a decent chance that somebody's been exposed to them often enough for that teaching to have an effect on their sense of guilt. And I will say that my personal experience with it was that once you've learned to pass judgment on yourself on that basis - that you're just as guilty for desiring something (or "being interested") as for actually taking action - it can be difficult to unlearn regardless of what else you do or don't believe of that religion's teachings.
 
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