Experiences with therapy?

joyfulgirl26

New member
does anyone here have experience with therapy (psychological/talk) in the context of poly?

i am in indiana and had a really hard time finding a therapist who was even LGBT friendly, and i've been to her twice now and gotten some signals from her that although she has no PROBLEM with poly or kink (i am both), she doesn't really "get" either of them or understand how important and integral they are to my happiness.

my husband and i are currently trying to determine whether we can/should stay together and our first session with this therapist was a little frustrating for me in that she aligned herself with him during the discussions.

most notably: i tried to explain to her and my husband how compersion works for me (and i was NOT insinuating my husband should feel this way, just relating my own experience)...how i need a little less time and energy from my husband when i see him happy with someone else because THAT becomes part of the reward feedback i am getting from him at that point. but i ended up trailing off completely because it was clear from their facial expressions that neither she nor my husband had ANY idea what i was talking about, and neither of them prompted me to finish, which made me feel like they weren't interested in understanding it either.

so i guess my question is two-fold (or maybe three-fold): if you have experience with therapy in the context of poly, has it been positive, negative, helpful? was the therapist poly-friendly at all and if not, how was that handled?

i may have the heart and energy to go into more detail about the situation in the future, but i wanted to start with this for now and get some thoughts on therapy in general. thanks in advance from a very exhausted and frustrated wife.
 
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... she doesn't really "get" either of them or understand how important and integral they are to my happiness.

my husband and i are currently trying to determine whether we can/should stay together and our first session with this therapist was a little frustrating for me in that she aligned herself with him during the discussions.

most notably: i tried to explain to her and my husband how compersion works for me (and i was NOT insinuating my husband should feel this way, just relating my own experience)...how i need a little less time and energy from my husband when i see him happy with someone else because THAT becomes part of the reward feedback i am getting from him at that point. but i ended up trailing off completely because it was clear from their facial expressions that neither she nor my husband had ANY idea what i was talking about, and neither of them prompted me to finish, which made me feel like they weren't interested in understanding it either.

I've never been in any sort of relationship / couples coucelling, but I'd like to encourage you to trust your instincts here. Not all people, and not all therapists, "get it" about compersion, polyamory, etc. And some apparently don't want to get it, either. If you want guidance on how to paint watercolors or fly a space shuttle, best go with someone who has had a little experience. But if there are no experienced painters or pilots to choose from, at least find one who can respect your desire to paint or fly!
 
What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory

Send your therapist What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory and make it clear that you expect her to read it and digest it as a condition of continuing to work with her.

Your therapist may not see "how compersion works for you" as the most rewarding thing to spend a session on, but I wonder about your husband not following up on it -- that's definitely something I'd want to hear my partner talk about at length (although perhaps outside of the session). It may be that what you experienced as your therapist "aligning with him" was a tactic on her part in order to increase his level of comfort in communicating, but you need to trust your therapist to be an ally for both of you in order to accept that.
 
Send your therapist What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory and make it clear that you expect her to read it and digest it as a condition of continuing to work with her.

Your therapist may not see "how compersion works for you" as the most rewarding thing to spend a session on, but I wonder about your husband not following up on it -- that's definitely something I'd want to hear my partner talk about at length (although perhaps outside of the session). It may be that what you experienced as your therapist "aligning with him" was a tactic on her part in order to increase his level of comfort in communicating, but you need to trust your therapist to be an ally for both of you in order to accept that.

absolutely, and i actually made it a point to not respond to any of the accusations he was making during the first session because he is VERY wary and not trusting of therapy at all, so i wanted to make sure that he felt like he could talk, since i'd already had a solo session with her. unfortunately, i'm now spinning on the horrible thought "what if the therapist took my silence for agreement?". i had actually seen that pamphlet before and meant to print it out for her but totally forgot. next time!

i actually had a solo session with her first, partly because i was starting to question my own sanity and partly convince my husband to go to therapy, again because he's pretty anti-therapy. in the solo session, she asked me if i could ever be mono. and if i was poly because i'd never been happy in a mono relationship. which are valid questions, but a little unsettling to hear when my marriage is in crisis and poly was one of the foundational agreements of our marriage.

as i mentioned, she has had some experience w/poly scenarios (she mentioned 3 different couples/groups she's worked with), and based on her feedback, it seems like she gets poly as a philosophy and thinks it can work. however, the flavor of poly which i am most comfortable with and thought my husband was most comfortable with (which is of course, the crux of the crisis) is just so foreign to her, she can't even really grasp why i feel the way i do. like why the year-long relationship i have with my boyfriend is important to me. why kink is an important emotional outlet for me and that it's really ok with me if my husband isn't into it. why i feel like i really CAN love my husband and my boyfriend in different but equal ways without detracting from my marriage. why i feel like integrating the people we date into our lives in meaningful ways (not just dating in a vacuum) can and does enrich our relationship. why an ultimatum scares the shit out of me (and i'll give you a hint: it's not because it means losing my boyfriend -- although that would really suck balls, and not in the fun sexy way). and so on. it instead felt a little bit like she thought my relationship with my boyfriend was something to "manage", which is the attitude my husband has taken in the last 2 or 3 months.

but my husband just told me he has written some stuff up for us to go over tonight, so i guess depending on that, we may not be going to any more sessions. =/ we'll see!
 
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I've never been in any sort of relationship / couples coucelling, but I'd like to encourage you to trust your instincts here. Not all people, and not all therapists, "get it" about compersion, polyamory, etc. And some apparently don't want to get it, either. If you want guidance on how to paint watercolors or fly a space shuttle, best go with someone who has had a little experience. But if there are no experienced painters or pilots to choose from, at least find one who can respect your desire to paint or fly!

well, that's kind of what i was looking for. i have been profoundly unable to find any poly-specific therapists in indy, so i decided to check out this one who specializes in LGBT issues but mentioned poly on her site...it seemed promising at the time!

and honestly, i really like her. i think if it was just communication or personal issues, she and i would be fine. i think part of me is scared that i'm just not going to find a therapist around here who understands or at least respects what poly looks like from where i'm standing (and what i thought our marriage was built around, ack!).
 
oh also, for maybe some context:

me: 28
hubby: 35
boyfriend: 40

hubby and me: together 5 years/married 2.5 of those 5 years, never closed our relationship and drafted up poly agreements after ~2 years together

boyfriend and me: together 1 year, he is engaged to his sweetie of 5 years
 
I too have had issues too with therapists,
One thing i read about in another thread that i felt was helpful was to keep your audience in mind...
i would avoid some of the terminology and just say how i felt. I called poly "open relationship but not just about sexual relations", and when it came to compersion i just said how i felt... then once i felt they had a good grasp on the ideology etc i started using the terms but careful to explain what they meant...
and as for finding a therapist who is poly friendly, again from personal experience i found a few websites online for psychologist associations in the state i was in. and then on the website they listed the "specialties" of the therapists. i then searched for one who "specialized" in relationship therapy plus in gay/lesbian or as they termed it "alternative" relationships. reason i put specialize in ->"<- is just b/c they do not list it, they have experience sumtimes...
anyways the first therapist i saw was absolutely bias and judgmental and did not understand or want to understand poly...in her eyes it was wrong. so after 4 sessions, i left her and thats when i searched by state associations and i went to somebody who specialized in gay and lesbian relationships and found that therapist was amazingly open to poly and we hit it off immediately. she understood the parallels to poly relationships in terms of social stigma, got compersion (again i didnt use the terms tho) and actually encouraged me to not stop poly just cus of one bad relationship!
just remember, sometimes a therapist just is not a "good fit" for you and they realize it is not uncommon for you to want to try seeing somebody else b/c not all therapists are alike an have different techniques... it is important to find sumbody u feel understands you, poly, and your SO's too. try as many as you need too till you find the right one. iw as lucky enuff that therapist #3 was the right one! my experience has been, if by session #3 or 4 u still dont feel they are right, then move on...
not saying it will always work, but seemed to for me anyways...
good luck to you! its hard, but i found that helped me a lot! hope it helps you.
 
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oh and, if i couldnt find what i needed on the websites, i emailed the presidents of the association ins question and told then what i was looking for and for members in their association who had practices in that field...
and again i'd say
"alternative relationship therapy" and they assumed i wanted gay and lesbian relationship therapy and i just went from there :)

i never did fine somebody who was "poly specific"

here was an amazing site which i selected the advanced search option and allowed me to search by city, zipcode, and specialty i selected "sexual orientation" and i also selected "gay/lesbian/bisexual" for "has experience with"
but just to elt you know...i am not gay, lesbian, or bi. i dd explain this to the therapist in my first session, and she was awesum at understanding why i searched that way:)
http://www.helppro.com/HP/Search/advancedsearch.aspx
 
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awesome, thank you for the link!

yeah, i'm very careful to not use "poly" terminology in sessions, since i know the therapist probably isn't super familiar with any of it. i don't use primary/secondary, i simply explain their roles in my life. i didn't use compersion, i simply tried to explain one of the benefits of my husband having a girlfriend. and unfortunately, they were both confounded by my explanation. blargh.

husband didn't cough up anything that he had written up last night, so i am still in limbo. maybe another session will help. good idea to give it 3-4 sessions before i make a decision about moving on or not. for all i know, jkelly is spot on and that first joint session was just her making him comfortable enough to speak up...she may be looking for more of my take in future sessions.

thank you guys for the ideas and support! :)
 
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yeah, i'm very careful to not use "poly" terminology in sessions, since i know the therapist probably isn't super familiar with any of it. i don't use primary/secondary, i simply explain their roles in my life. i didn't use compersion, i simply tried to explain one of the benefits of my husband having a girlfriend. and unfortunately, they were both confounded by my explanation. blargh.

Usually therapists aren't dumb. If you give them a term that is used, they may take the time post session to look it up and get a better understanding for the next session. Trying to talk around established and functional labels may be causing confusion.

I am anti-therapist, but I have had one in my childhood that was amazing (for very different reasons). They are out there, but if you are trying to baby step them through what your relationship is, and the terms you use confidently, then all thats going to happen is your therapist second guessing you.

Obviously, if the don't take the time to understand then they suck, but why take the chance on having them misunderstand you.
 
I'd also suggest searching KinkAware. I don't remember the actual site address, but I friend told me about it. It is a grouping of professional (Drs therepists lawyers) that are aware of alternative lifestyles.

I don't have insurance so I dont get to choose my therepist. I get whoever the state assigns me to, and I tend to spend more time educating them then getting help. But some have been really helpful, once they understood.

Good luck!
 
It took some effort, but I was able to find a psychologist that was familiar and supportive of poly stuff.

When I was searching, I tended to avoid any overly 'Christian' focused therapists. Ones that addressed sexuality, relationships, gay & lesbian issues, seemed the most promising when I was searching. I didn't contact every single therapist in Edmonton, but the one I found was the only one that responded back to me that we was able to appreciate a poly dynamic.

So far, he has been an incredible resource as he views poly relationships as the requiring the same effort as any relationship. We talk alot about what the successes and challenges are. My main motivation for seeing him was helping me deal with the intolerance my family has been demonstrating - which happens to have gotten worse since coming out as poly.

If anyone in the Edmonton area would like his name and contact info, I would be more than happy to pass it along. Just send me a message.
 
Mohegan: i checked kinkaware, actually. that's where i got the idea to look for LGBT friendly therapists. unfortunately, there was only 1 active therapist for indianapolis listed on there. there were some in other areas, some lawyers, and one promising looking therapist who has since moved to arizona. bleh. maybe i will follow up w/the other therapist i found on there, but she does list that she can/will introduce christian aspects into the counseling...and that brings me to booklady's point, which is that i also try to avoid christian focused counseling, both because they tend to be less "alternative" friendly and because my husband and i are both atheist. neither of us have had good experiences w/therapy in the past for just that reason: our therapists encouraged a religious approach to issues, which (obviously) doesn't sit too well with us.

but you know, this is my marriage, so i'm committed to finding SOMETHING that will work! so if i have to keep looking, i will! :)

thanks again to everyone for the suggestions and support. <3
 
...it seems like she gets poly as a philosophy and thinks it can work.

... is just so foreign to her, she can't even really grasp why i feel the way i do.

... why i feel like i really CAN love my husband and my boyfriend in different but equal ways without detracting from my marriage.

She doesn't get poly at all, then. The essence of poly is loving multiple people more or less equally in different ways. If she can't understand that fundamental concept, she has no business dealing with poly folk.
 
She doesn't get poly at all, then. The essence of poly is loving multiple people more or less equally in different ways. If she can't understand that fundamental concept, she has no business dealing with poly folk.

bleh. i am starting to worry that you are right. i wanted to think that she "got it", but the more i play over our session in her mind, i think about some things that really rubbed me the wrong way.

"only one person can really trigger your reward center at a time. it's just how our brain chemistry works."

"well science shows that you really only attach to one person at a time. and you're clearly more attached to your boyfriend right now."

etc. i don't disagree that these statements might apply to the shiny-NRE phase or certain aspects of a relationship like intellectual connection or kink connection or spiritual connection. but honestly, once a relationship moves past NRE and settles into "normal" mode, i don't feel like these statements apply to me AT ALL. being scientific, as i am, i didn't try to argue w/her assertions of scientific fact. it's just hard for me to believe that these blanket statements are always true for all people, because my direct experience is...well, way different.
 
I suppose my husband and I lucked out.

We had been thinking of seeing a counselor/therapist for a while even before the poly stuff came up but just hadn't really gotten around to it. We ended up going to see a Sex Therapist through our health clinic and she is awesome. Which makes me ask, have you looked into Sex Therapist as well as Marriage Counselors? In my mind a Sex Therapist would generally be more open to alternate lifestyles.

Good luck, and I hope you find someone soon.
 
"only one person can really trigger your reward center at a time. it's just how our brain chemistry works."

"well science shows that you really only attach to one person at a time. and you're clearly more attached to your boyfriend right now."

these all sound like VERY un-open and one sided views...
i'm still a fan of giving a few sessions to see if maybe things change BUT sounds like...shes very one sided and has her mind already made up.

science? science? you're joking right? WTF DOES THAT MEAN? i'm sorry but last time i checked, the same hormones and various other chemicals that are present in attachment and "love" are not "one person specific"... but, things may have changed since i last checked...so i apologize if i am mistaken. as for "reward centers" last time i checked, rewards are individual specific. what works for me doesn't ness work for you because it may not be something that you find makes you happy or whatever it is she is trying to say...
i hope she realizes that "science" a while back said that in both nature and humanity sexual attraction occurred only in male- toto female or female to male and never two of the same gender...
 
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i am still digging around too! but tempted to take that to my next session (assuming we have one...i am still living in limbo...ugh).

Digging around sounds awesome to me! fight fire with fire! :) i'm sure you can find some scientific theory to support your end...
i'm sure you'll find the right therapist for BOTH of you eventually.... maybe if you get to her lebvel tho, you might be able to get some common ground. you can disagree, i just don;'t liek that she seems to be so prejudiced.
good luck to you!!!!
 
Hi Joyful...
A thought from my perspective both as a therapist and someone who has had difficult experiences (as a client) in couple therapy.
I'm not sure trusting your 'instincts' is always reliable-if someone is challenging a defense in you it's quite natural for your 'instinct' to lead you to 'safety' away from that challenge. If both of you like the therapist and feel she basically gets you (most of the time) then I'd suggest you stay with the process. If you feel not listened to/understood then say so and be willing to stay with that process for that is the heart of most relationship problems.
Couple therapy is often really tough and you can expect to feel sided against at times almost inevitably, it's staying in touch with each other in getting back from that separation that matters, Hey good luck and well done to both you and your husband!
 
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