Solo Poly meets Mono

Atlantis

Active member
HI,
I have been lurking on the forums and I am hopeful of some interesting feedback.

After 10 years of marriage I am back out exploring the world one activity at a time .I am 41 and share parenting of 2 children. I love to go and try new things and see new places..herein lies the problem...
After much reading, I identify as solo polyish. Not looking for a full-time, escalator type relationship, but open to it.

Currently in a relationship with C ( 50) , he is married with a DADT policy. He has time restrictions, no overnights and no weekends. Mainly we meet, eat and have great sex. As I was getting frustrated with this I decided to start dating. We have been together for a year and are very close.

I meet A(53) , in an open relationship with a list of rules a mile long, including veto and no dates more than 16 hours and only 1 date per week which usually falls mid-week as he is with his primary most weekends. We have great dates, lots of fun activities and are experimenting with BDSM. But back to the frustration of not being to do weekends away or travel. We have been together 6 months and are having a lot of fun.

I meet N (37 never married ). We have a few dates, I like him, he likes me. I bring up the expectations conversation. I say I am seeing 2 people who are in open relationships and the time restrictions aren't working for me, I am looking for someone who has time and wants to use it being active. The poor dude is shocked, says he is looking for one person to date and move towards a serious relationship.

I don't think he will call me again but it raised some questions for me...

Would I give up my 2 guys to go mono?
How do you navigate the early stages of a new relationship to leave the option of mono?
Should I not have bought up the other 2 guys after 3 dates?
Do I have to give up my guys before I re-enter mono world in the hopes of finding someone without a primary ( time restricted ).

Thanks for any thoughts.
 
As I was getting frustrated with this I decided to start dating. We have been together for a year and are very close.

with a list of rules a mile long.........and are having a lot of fun.


Would I give up my 2 guys to go mono?

Well I think the pertinent lines are above, it seems you are close to the first bloke and are having a lot of fun with the second. I don't know, 'would' you?

Do I have to give up my guys before I re-enter mono world in the hopes of finding someone without a primary ( time restricted ).

The question really is should you? And only you can answer that really, but if you are enjoying their company and the only problem is that you want someone around who has more time to dedicate to you, than that is what I would look for, I guess the problem is, it seems that with blokes your only options are: date a poly bloke and deal with being less than secondary depending on what rules his primary decides for him (pathetic sad faced wussy man) OR date a single bloke and run the risk that he will want you to himself.....

But....there is another way..

There are non pathetic sad faced wussy Poly men who might have more time available.

How do you navigate the early stages of a new relationship to leave the option of mono?

Well personally I wouldn't, since I don't want a monogamous relationship. If you would actually dump your current more casual relationships for monogamy OTOH than I would just tell the prospective person that I am seeing others but am open to monogamy.

Should I not have bought up the other 2 guys after 3 dates?

Better to be honest (as you were) no point in dragging out an incompatible relationship.

However, FWIW, are you sure you are soloish poly? Or are you rather just a single woman dating around until you find the one?
They're not really the same thing to be honest.
 
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However, FWIW, are you sure you are soloish poly? Or are you rather just a single woman dating around until you find the one?
They're not really the same thing to be honest.

I am wondering the same thing. Are you really poly or are you playing the field until the right man comes along.

Maybe you need to find a man without the stupid restrictions the first two come with.
 
Personally, I've made the decision that I don't want mono relationships, so I am not keeping them as an option at all. In fact, I make it clear that it definitely isn't an option.

I think you should be telling people sooner than the third date, myself, and if you are still unsure about what you want, make that clear too. You could tell people that at the moment, you plan to have open relationships only, but that might change, and it might change with someone other than them. That means anything you have developed with them will end as a consequence of you being monogamous with someone else. They can then choose whether or not to date you under these conditions.

I appreciate the frustration you are expereincing, I went through it myself. Then I set some rules for my relationships:
No DADT's
No Veto rules
Nobody who hasn't already identified as non mono
Nobody who I can immediately rule out for a LTR

And, I found two great people.
 
There are non pathetic sad faced wussy Poly men who might have more time available.

I don't have anything to add, you guys have pretty much covered it. This just really tickled me :)
 
Nobody who hasn't already identified as non mono
Nobody who I can immediately rule out for a LTR

usually i have a hard time understanding negatives, ... use double negatives and you've completely lost me.

what do these mean ?

and on another point - what is a DADT ?
 
DADT is Don't Ask Don't Tell. Typically, spells trouble because someone is going to figure something out and feel badly. No honesty or transparency.

The rest is that London is saying they do NOT date mono people. Only non mono people and no one that can't possibly be a long term relationship.

Not that they have to be a primary or major relationship off the bat, but if there's no room for growth into a long term relationship they aren't interested.
 
DADT is Don't Ask Don't Tell. Typically, spells trouble because someone is going to figure something out and feel badly. No honesty or transparency.

The rest is that London is saying they do NOT date mono people. Only non mono people and no one that can't possibly be a long term relationship.

Not that they have to be a primary or major relationship off the bat, but if there's no room for growth into a long term relationship they aren't interested.
too add to that, I mean nobody who hasn't ventured down the poly/non mono path of their own merit. I'm not into people who hear about it from me and then think it might be a good idea.
 
I read the" how to quote section" and still couldn't work it out...

"There are non pathetic sad faced wussy Poly men who might have more time available."

This hits the nail on the head. Stay away from the monos and those not really poly and those with long lists of restrictions. The veto is deeply worrisome and apparently has been wielded frequently in the past.



"Well personally I wouldn't, since I don't want a monogamous relationship. If you would actually dump your current more casual relationships for monogamy OTOH than I would just tell the prospective person that I am seeing others but am open to monogamy."

After much thought last night, I couldn't just dump them. Things are going well apart from the time frustration. There is a lot more more emotional attachment on both sides than I made out ( reserved Brit ).

"Better to be honest (as you were) no point in dragging out an incompatible relationship."

Agreed, I need to be even quicker about it and avoid meeting people who are not poly or poly minded.

"However, FWIW, are you sure you are soloish poly? Or are you rather just a single woman dating around until you find the one?
They're not really the same thing to be honest."

No, I am really not looking for "the one" but someone who can work with my current relationships. This is the clarity that I didn't have when I met N. But I do have it now for going forward.

Thanks everyone.
 
"Nobody who I can immediately rule out for a LTR."

Also this. There is no room for growth with C, it is what it is.

A is currently working with his partner, with a therapist, on their rules but says too many requests for change are likely to invoke veto.
 
This hits the nail on the head. Stay away from the monos and those not really poly and those with long lists of restrictions. The veto is deeply worrisome and apparently has been wielded frequently in the past... people who are not poly or poly minded.

Polyamory is a relationship viewpoint which recognizes that loving more than one is possible and that the opportunity to do so is preferable. There are plenty of poly folk who have a list of rules that look like you are applying to join the army and there are a few who find any rules at all to be undesirable. Both of these extremes and the range between are polyamorous as long as the basic definition is true.

You are just looking for someone who has a particular view of relating within the polyamorous dynamic. There are folks out there with a low threshold for rules but it does seem that they (we) are in the minority.

Keep looking, don't settle for a rule-centric relationship (if that's not what you are looking for) just because it is what's readily available.

A is currently working with his partner, with a therapist, on their rules but says too many requests for change are likely to invoke veto.

This would be a red flag for me. A red flag I could see from space.
 
I would add, Stay away from sad-faced mono men who are shocked if you don't want to be exclusive after only three dates.

Even if you do decide to be monogamous with the right person, the right person for you would probably be someone who is comfortable with non-exclusive dating for a while before monogamous commitment, yes?
 
I read the" how to quote section" and still couldn't work it out...
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As Marcus said; everyone already seems to have this covered. I'd just like to add one thing.

There is a preconception that if one is open to being poly, or is adamantly poly, they need to be concerned about 'inflicting' this on mono folk. This implies a sense of separation that you also find in both the LGBT and BDSM communities (I can't count how many times my fellow kinksters have expressed inadvertent, or plain advertent, snobbery towards 'vanillas' - or my fellow LGBT folk have glared down their noses at 'heteros').

When I met my current girlfriend, I didn't even know about the word 'polyamory'. I'd been involved in variants of it before, but I was largely completely monogamous. My GF was very clear that she absolutely would not be monogamous and that I should never expect that from our future. This didn't offend me, as a 'previous mono'. I found her approach (albeit a tad gung-ho at the time; which she would now agree with... hahaha) ... really quite awakening and beautiful.

Furthermore, the last two women I dated identified as mono before they met me. They weren't offended in the slightest - in fact; they were very curious and interested to learn more about polyamory. There *are* people out there who will bin you for being poly; just as there are plenty of poly people who will have to bin dates because they are set on monogamy. There are also people who will judge, think it's wrong, etc etc. Somehow, it's treated almost in the same way as revealing a long-term illness or other daunting fact to a potential lover. In reality, it's no different to any other relationship guideline you might have for yourself, such as "I eventually want kids" or "I travel a lot with work".

Simply put... the best thing to do would be to decide whether you are open to monogamy or not. I personally fluctuate - sometimes I think I'd be fine with it and sometimes I think that I absolutely wouldn't. If I met someone I really, truly connected with, I'd try whichever dynamic we could agree on out for a little while. If I had existing relationships that were dear to me, I doubt I would drop them by default, just to be involved with a monogamous person.

Essentially, you aren't getting what you need from your current guys, but you are attached to them. As others have said: it is absolutely possible to find what you are looking for with other people. It's even possible to up your numbers and get different needs met.

As for relationship guidelines and rules - I've personally never had a problem with this. If I meet someone, I'm happy to stick to their restrictions. If I'm not happy with it, I wouldn't date them in the first place. Granted, I have an existing 'primary' relationship - but I'm totally happy to be considered someone's 'secondary'; not to travel or live with them, etc, providing that they don't move the goal posts or allow their primary to make decisions for us that are different to the original guidelines I agreed to. The Veto is one thing I am absolutely, completely opposed to. I wouldn't choose not to date someone if they had a Veto rule - but I would be very, very cautious.

Overall, it's not about swapping polyamory for monogamy. It's about deciding which relationship models suit you, which ones you are willing to try and how.
 
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Thanks Em for the clear instructions.

Overall, it's not about swapping polyamory for monogamy. It's about deciding which relationship models suit you, which ones you are willing to try and how.

I agree, I had quite the knee jerk reaction the other night and have calmed down considerably. I realize that while I maybe open to mono in the future there is no way I could just break up what I have and generally the polyship is sailing smoothly.

I had a big chat with C yesterday, he even came round to talk this through. He agreed with the comments on here and thinks I should add someone open the existing relationships.

I would add, Stay away from sad-faced mono men who are shocked if you don't want to be exclusive after only three dates.

We are both European, it is very uncommon to date more than one person at a time. I was very surprised when I moved here, so I understand his reaction.

This would be a red flag for me. A red flag I could see from space.

We are going to have a sit down chat with the list printed out and I will have a serious think about whether or not I wish to continue.
I am terribly fond of him. He is very supportive of my "activity slut" behavior, we have all kinds of fun stuff planned but, but, but, having the primary couple dictate the terms of my relationship is uncomfortable.

All in all, feeling much calmer and appreciative of the guys and also have a much clearer view of how I need to approach dating in the future.

Thanks to you all for the input.
 
We are both European, it is very uncommon to date more than one person at a time. I was very surprised when I moved here, so I understand his reaction.

I'd hazard that all men that identify as monogamous would have a negative reaction to finding out the person they are dating is not monogamous. There are plenty of European poly people though. Just like there are poly people on every continent. And actually, I'd argue that the "norm" these days is to casually date multiple people and then to settle with one.
 
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