BF won't let me go!

Topazia

New member
Hello all,

I will try make this short.

At christmas I had a house, a fiance and thought my life was on track. Then January he just upped and left me and everything crumbled. Im 23.

I started talking to an old crush and he told me he had a gf, after flirting and joking he said she didn't mind if we did anything. I was lonely, self esteem shattered so we became "friends with benefits".

I started learning i was into the BDSM scene after long battling with things i thought made me "weird" and learnt his gf was his Sub and they have a D/s relationship.

Due to financial hardships he said he would move in with me but when we did we would stop sleeping together.

5 months on...we are in a relationship and i have fallen in love after trying hard not to. He is so into me, when i have tried to end it he has started shaking and crying but i cannot stay in a poly relationship. His gf doesn't like me and i feel much competition goes on...i put this partly to her younger age. I cannot act how i would in a relationship and this is his first D/s AND poly he has had..i feel he will implode.

I keep telling him but he won't break up with me and i can't because when it is just me and him it is like she doesn't exist.

I have always been cheated on and am starting to feel not good enough.

I feel so trapped...he is such a good influence on me...i have lost weight, eating healthier, started hobbies again and learning to be myself in the bedroom..i want him but not poly...i feel so helpless and i know i shouldn't feel so sad and guilty everyday.

He said with him moving in next week if we ended it i'd be an ex to him and he would feel weird...i keep hoping i will win him over to me but i know this is a terrible way of thinking.

Im told poly is beneficial..i feel im getting half a relationship and he is getting everything and more.

Please help me.
 
If you don't want to be involved with him, stop. Seriously, stop seeing him and certainly don't let him move in.

Trying to force him to choose between his other partner and you when you knew in advance that he's poly is dysfunctionally selfish, so stop.

The only thing you can control is your involvement and your behavior. If you have issues with polyamory, then don't get involved with a polyamorous partner. Trying to manipulate a poly partner into a monogamous relationship is rude and horribly dysfunctional.
 
I didn't say i am making him chose, i know fully well and as i said i havnt told him to....its what i keep saying to him that i would never let him chose but when i try end it he keeps calling and wont let be me, hes fighting so hard for me it makes me start wondering if i should try.

I feel guilty letting myself fall in love with him...i think id be ok if i felt his gf was good for him but she is bratty and clingy and whenever i seem to do soemthing she tries to do one better.

financially i need him to move in, without going into it i have a medical condition and need some help so as my friend before he helped me.

please dont think i am being harsh to him..all im doing is compromising..i dont ring or text him because she does it 24/7 so i dont want to hound the boy. I make sure he has time alone whereas she doesnt...see my issues? x
 
Is there no one else in the world that can move in with you? You are going down a dangerous and unhealthy path I am afraid. You're making excuses about why only he can help you. I hate to do this but you need to look at reality. Imagine you and him have just moved in together. You just woke up all snuggly and are enjoying coffee in bed chatting about your day's activities. You want to go for a walk with him but he tells you he is getting together with his girlfriend in the afternoon and spending the night with her. Now picture them having sex, him moaning into her ear the same way he moans into yours, sweaty and passionate. You've said you can't do poly...that means you are going to make yourself and your poly partner very unhealhty.

Get out while you can.
 
Sigh, i know...and why i tried to start going back to friends just nobody has ever fought for me and he is fighting so hard.

I do actually quite like the idea of him having someone but this girl just seems too demanding and not good for him...

he has said she wont sleep over here and he has started syaing how he has started thinking of a future with me and asking places we could live after my degree.

this other gf shes sleeps around with people but he doesnt want anyone but me and her and he asked me not to be with anyone else. he said for fairness i could but he'd prefer me not to...he is so right for me in everything just not her which is why im finding it hard to walk away.

the housing thing, im in a city where i know no1 and a random starnger couldnt look after me and i wouldnt feel comfortable having someone try help me with my medical needs.

just wondered if i can try bring my mind round...i keep wondering if she was as compromising as me if id be fine because i like that he isnt round mine every day etc and i like my own time x
 
i keep wondering if she was as compromising as me if id be fine because i like that he isnt round mine every day etc and i like my own time x

This is something to focus on in a positive sense. One of the benefits of poly can be a greater level of independence. The thing is, you should be independent in other areas of your life first so you don't destroy who you are to be with him.

His girlfriend sleeping around is serious business. Your sexual health could be at risk if she is unsafe. That is a big concern. What if he broke up with her and found a new love? If he is poly that will likley happen. Do you think this is more about her as an individual then the dynamic of poly?
 
That is what im trying to figure out. She is 19, very ..ott..very actice in the gay community and describes herself as lesbian. This D/s dynamic, he said she makes her feel an adult as he has responsibilty over her and i make him feel normal and keep him grounded...i don't see his love for her..

I have been tested and keep safe..its one of my biggests issues so that is ok.

When she got with him she suggested poly and i keep asking him if she hadnt would he..he THINKS so..but i just feel he likes being a DOM to her and im his 'normal' gf.

I lost all my friends and hobbies with my last bf but i was so in love i didn't care. I have beemn living alone 4 months and like havin my independance back..such as tonight..yes i would like to see him but i have plenty to do i don't mind being alone and actually enjoy it,

this is why i am confused...he didn't like hearing i dont like her,ive tried talking to her but she just speaks down to me and i never feel equal..i always feel just an addition, at leats that is how SHE makes me feel. He is trying..just i think he has taken on too much.

I asked if she was ok him moving in, he said he would never consider moving in with her as she would be under his feet 24/7...this all confuses me so much i feel so torn!

she also makes a deal about being in the poly SCENE...like its the IN thing which i hate
 
I experienced similar things when I was your age and what I did was seek therapy. My therapist really helped me sort things out and I continued to see her off and on for many years. It's truly a valuable gift you can give yourself that will last a lifetime. Good luck!! There are also a lot of thoughtful people here who are willing to listen and share with you!!
 
I lost all my friends and hobbies with my last bf but i was so in love i didn't care.

This statement is again very concerning. If you lose this much over a person and don't care then that indicates you are just about willing to do anything for some one to "love" you.

My original advise still stands. Find another room mate. Seriously.
 
I was very ill with my disease though and became depressed and afraid to leave the house. My bf at the time didn't make any friends here and worked shifts so it was a cycle.

With this relationship i want to use what i learnt and make sure i don't get wrapped up...why i have been encouraging him to take time to himself and nights with his friends...she doesnt..if she knows he isnt with me she expects to be with him

x

i am apprciating the input btw x
 
if she knows he isnt with me she expects to be with him

x

i am apprciating the input btw x

His girlfriend sounds like an odd mixture of poly sex networker and clingy monogamous girlfriend. If he moves in she sounds like the type to lose her mind with jealousy. It sounds like you are moving him in regardless and it also sounds like he is unwilling to see the possible harm in staying with this woman. You're in a bad situation. Good luck.
 
He has been my friend for 4 years so i care about his welfare, i tried to tell him yesterdsay he needs looking after and i don't think she is doing it.

She is very clingy and everyone i meet says how jealous of me she is...she has radically changed the way she dresses (baggy jeans t shirts) to pencil skirts and corsets (me)...he has said he'd never move in with her...i feel as ihs friend i have to help him but he would have to realise she isn't good for him.

I wonder if she is poly because its what all the LGBT people do so to speak.

My friends tell me to stay with him and she will push him away..i just don't know if i should.

thanks, i blame myself falling for him. but hes been a crush for 4 years lol couldn't believe my luck so to speak! x
 
I'm not sure what you are doing here to be honest. You sound convinced that he should move in, you should stay with him, he will leave his girlfriend, you won't have sex again with him, and that you will have a lovely mono future with him taking care of you. No one here can make him be the man of your dreams. So what do you want from this conversation? What are your doubts? There must be some or you wouldn't be here I would think.

Personally I think you are being naïve to think that moving him in is a good idea. The man has some shit going on and I would personally ask that he deal with it before moving any closer to you and especially to a position of looking after you! If he is a dom, it harks of control and imbalance of power that he is bugging you and whining about it. Where is the respect for your space and independence? To me it sounds like he is moving in to be rescued and then to take over your life. Maybe I'm wrong, but something seems really off here. Its making my back tingle.
 
This statement is again very concerning. If you lose this much over a person and don't care then that indicates you are just about willing to do anything for some one to "love" you.

My original advise still stands. Find another room mate. Seriously.

She's 23 which likely means that her last bf was one that she had in her teens. A lot of us made bad decisions in our teens with the people we chose to date and lost friends because of it. Hopefully the OP has learned from that last relationship and it won't happen again.

On another note though, I have to agree with what the majority of people are telling you here. It's not a good time to have your bf move in with you. There is too much instability at the moment which is just going to be amplified if you're living under the same roof.

I get that you don't like his gf, you might not even understand what he gets out of the relationship. The thing is that his relationship with her really has nothing to do with you. If you can't just leave it alone and not let it effect you you're not going to be able to be fully satisfied in your relationship with him.
 
The thing is that his relationship with her really has nothing to do with you. If you can't just leave it alone and not let it effect you you're not going to be able to be fully satisfied in your relationship with him.

This!

If you insist on him moving in, fine. Just don't expect to dictate who he is or is not in a realtionship with. You can certainly request that she not come into your home and I don't see why you have to have anything to do with her anyway. Tell the bf not to even discuss her with you. His issues with her are his, NOT yours. Your issues with her are yours, not his.
 
Derby and Tonberry have some good advice, I would also add that after this chicky is gone, there will be others... are you ready for that? If you are mono, maybe finding a mono boyfriend would be best. It sounds like dude is not all that stable at the moment.
 
this other gf shes sleeps around with people but he doesnt want anyone but me and her and he asked me not to be with anyone else. he said for fairness i could but he'd prefer me not to...he is so right for me in everything just not her which is why im finding it hard to walk away.

Just to remind you - he does not want anybody but you and her - NOW. If he is poly oriented, whether they break up or not, at some point, he will probably want somebody else. He is consumed with the new relationship with you, and busy with two relationships, so isn't thinking about anybody else today. I just don't want you to fool yourself into thinking that if they break up, that means it would be just you and him forever.

(edit: I knew I should've read through to the end, of course RP already said it ;)
 
Thank you all for your honest answers..most i already know in my head i guess.

He will be moving in and i am considering asking him to be my best friend and an awesome housemate...its not what i want but i guess i need to stop things sooner than later..i ahve been his friend for 4 years so hoping we can live together maturely and i don't feel any ill feelings towards him.

will keep you all posted xxx
 
Erm? how is moving him in = "stop things sooner or later"?

What does it mean "consider asking someone to be one's best friend and awesome housemate"?

I find these two linguistic constructions don't make a whole lot of sense vis a vis the conversation in the rest of the thread.

Did you forget to use the word "not" a couple of times up in there, perhaps?
 
Are you absolutely sure you can't seek any other resources for a house mate? Every time someone on the forum has suggested that this is NOT a good idea you have become very defensive... I sense a very unhealthy co-dependency here and I think things would get really bad for both of you if you moved in together.

You're SOOOO young. You are in a part of your life where you should be discovering new things about yourself and falling in love... with YOU!!!!!!

Ask yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation (someone you really cared about)... take it from there...

You can get lots of good advice on this forum. The key is taking it.... just sayin'...
 
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