One night stand vs. Poly?

skyfire322

New member
Hey guys! This is my first thread here... I'm not sure if the title of the thread is correct, but I'm curious to see what your take on a situation I'm dealing with at the moment. My girlfriend and I have been poly for about a year now. We have gotten our feet wet, but have never jumped in completely, because there just hasn't been anyone who's interested, per se.

She started talking to someone online a few months ago. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I started talking to him as well just to pick his brain, since we had a lot in common, although there were many red flags going up from the beginning. As the weeks progressed, I found out that he's a flirt by nature and that he's done the same sort of thing (flirting to the point of 'let's meet', then losing interest completely). I also found out from other people who have been in contact with him, for lack of a better term, sucked in, and that he's a compulsive liar. She even said she has lost some trust in him.

He had told both her and I that he's not comfortable being in a poly relationship, and really had no romantic interest in her. One day he said that once I'm out of the picture and once his divorce goes through, he plans on pursuing a romantic endeavour with her. He's visiting NYC (about three hours from where we live) this summer and she wants to go down and meet him. We sat down one night, and she told me that when she goes down, she'll probably have sex with him.

Here's where the problem lies... We agreed that if one person in the primary isn't comfortable or doesn't trust the outsider, nothing would happen. However, she's dead set on meeting him. I have no problem with them meeting as friends, but knowing the type of guy he is and what his intentions are, and I kind of have a feeling that she'll throw everything out the window and just do what she wants.

With all of that being said, do you think that one night stands can be included in the same circle as polyamory?
 
Wow. We're also new to poly, but we've been swinging for years. We've always had respect for each other and our relationship to listen when the other partner is feeling uncomfortable. It hasn't always been easy.

If the guy is as big a toolbag as you think, she may just realize she doesn't want him by the time summer rolls around.

And no, one night stands are not poly. That would be swinging.
 
do you think that one night stands can be included in the same circle as polyamory?
sure, for some people. Some people have a huge connection and a lot of healing and growth from a one night stand. I think its important to keep to good ethics of inegrity, consideration for all, caring, love honest and open communication and beyond that anything goes.
 
"One day he said that once I'm out of the picture and once his divorce goes through, he plans on pursuing a romantic endeavour with her."

Wait... what? He's making plans for when "you're out of the picture"? This is not someone I would be comfortable with my partner getting involved with. And she said she'll probably sleep with him even though your agreement is that neither of you will get involved with someone new if the other isn't comfortable with that person? And you don't trust her to resist his charms either way?

Um, forget about trusting him. Where is the trust between you two? :( This whole situation seems fraught with issues. Am I the only one seeing this?

So, sure, there's nothing that says a poly person can't have a one night stand. There is, however, something saying that no one who knows this dude's MO should have a one night stand with him, and it's called common sense.
 
Am I the only one seeing this?

Not likely.


At OP :

The guy is obviously a twit. Albeit for a liar, a pretty honest twit. Him wanting you out of the picture, should cancel-out him even getting into the picture.

Sounds like your girlfriend has a issue with playing-with-fire. Hopefully you both can figure that out before summer rolls around. As this is the type of issue that will pop up repeatedly in a relationship, regardless of exactly which twit is involved.

As for your question,,..it really doesn`t have anything to do with your situation ??? Yes, one night stands can be poly, if things are ethical and people feel honest and good about a situation. I don`t see that happening with twit-face and your girlfriend.
 
She started talking to someone online ... there were many red flags going up ... (flirting to the point of 'let's meet', then losing interest completely)....he's a compulsive liar. She even said she has lost some trust in him.

He had told both her and I that he's not comfortable being in a poly relationship, and really had no romantic interest in her.... he plans on pursuing a romantic endeavour with her.

Note the contradiction in those last 2 sentences.
...she'll probably have sex with him.

I kind of have a feeling that she'll throw everything out the window and just do what she wants.

With all of that being said, do you think that one night stands can be included in the same circle as polyamory?

Wrong question!!!

Reread what you wrote, dude. This is fucked up.
 
I have to agree with most here. It doesn't matter whether or not this would 'qualify' as poly or not. If the guy is talking about getting rid of you, he should be out of the picture. Your gf should get that.

I'm not opposed to people having one night stands. Would her having a one night stand with this guy count as her having a poylamorous relationship with him? No. Poly people can just have sex, too.
 
I totally missed that. Ya, fucked up. Not a situation I would want to be in as it would be very unhealthy emotionally and mentally.
 
Sky, the answer to your question is... "it depends".

One-night stands don't fall under the poly umbrella technically speaking. It implies a random hook-up with no emotions involved, where emotional connection is one of the key components that define the polyamory concept.

My impression of the intent of your agreement is for one partner to have some protection if the other is about to bring extra drama into the relationship dynamic by sticking dick in crazy or vice versa.

Your problem is that this really isn't a one-night stand.

She's been talking to him, but you haven't really indicated if she has an emotional connection with him, or if this is purely a physical encounter. If its just sex, then I would say this situation isn't covered by your agreement. Like SourGirl says, (if I'm reading her right) if it's just sex, its a non issue because he wont ever be part of the picture.

Now, if she does have an emotional connection or there is a substantial possibility that an emotional connection could develop, then I would say your agreement does apply in this situation.

In which case, your problem isn't him. Its her.

You are going to have to decide, if she's willing to throw agreements out the window whenever NRE strikes, whether or not the benefit you receive from relationship is worth the additional grief she generates.
 
Sky, the answer to your question is... "it depends".

One-night stands don't fall under the poly umbrella technically speaking. It implies a random hook-up with no emotions involved, where emotional connection is one of the key components that define the polyamory concept.

My impression of the intent of your agreement is for one partner to have some protection if the other is about to bring extra drama into the relationship dynamic by sticking dick in crazy or vice versa.

Your problem is that this really isn't a one-night stand.

She's been talking to him, but you haven't really indicated if she has an emotional connection with him, or if this is purely a physical encounter. If its just sex, then I would say this situation isn't covered by your agreement. Like SourGirl says, (if I'm reading her right) if it's just sex, its a non issue because he wont ever be part of the picture.

Now, if she does have an emotional connection or there is a substantial possibility that an emotional connection could develop, then I would say your agreement does apply in this situation.

In which case, your problem isn't him. Its her.

You are going to have to decide, if she's willing to throw agreements out the window whenever NRE strikes, whether or not the benefit you receive from relationship is worth the additional grief she generates.

I always sigh a little inside when I see the whole ONS = no emotions. That's not true at all, otherwise you might as well just masturbate. Excitement of someone new is an emotion, the curiosity of a warm new body is an emotion. ONS does not imply zero emotion, it implies (well in fact it explicitly states) that it will only be for one night. There is also nothing random about it, since ONS will only happen when there's some form of chemistry between two people.

Like you say though, this problem is unrelated to ONS. End of the day, the guy has clearly said that he's not into poly, and is specifically making plans for after your relationship, major red flags to me. You need to have a word with your girlfriend about why she's planning on going to see him, because to me it just looks like a drama-explosion waiting to happen.
 
ONS will only happen when there's some form of chemistry between two people.

Or drunkenness, or outright purposeful drugging.
 
If its just sex, then I would say this situation isn't covered by your agreement. Like SourGirl says, (if I'm reading her right) if it's just sex, its a non issue because he wont ever be part of the picture.

Nope, not even close.

Though most likely my fault, as I don`t take the time to plan out responses here.
 
Or drunkenness, or outright purposeful drugging.

Because rape and a one night stand are totally the same thing... (since you were stupid enough to assume I included drugging people as a one night stand, I'll go ahead and point out that I'm being sarcastic here).

As for drunkenness, alcohol merely lowers your inhibitions. It can't make you do something that you don't want to do. Assuming that they're not so drunk that they can't make a conscious decision (in which case see point one about rape) then having a one night stand wouldn't be BECAUSE of the drunkenness, it would still be about chemistry.

I get the feeling that I've really missed something here, because I honestly cannot believe that someone would suggest that raping someone is comparable to a one night stand. Maybe my sarcasm detector has broken?
 
in response to your specific question: IMO poly people can have one night stands. Individuals in a poly relationship need to negotiate if this is acceptable for the particular relationship.

That's not why I responded to your post though...

Something I felt was worth sharing is that I've come to the conclusion in my relationships that the presence of metamours or other partners is not the important concern when it comes to if a partner is going to be committed to me. Whatever the metamour does cannot harm my relationship. It's how my partner reacts to my metamours behavior that matters.

In your case your girlfriend has observed that her potential ONS blatantly disregards your importance in her life. Your girlfriend's choice of reaction tells me that there are some serious concerns in your own relationship. My advice is to stop worrying about the other guy, and figure out where the relationship between you and your girlfriend needs fixing. And if she's not interested in fixing it, I advise you to move on.
 
I always sigh a little inside when I see the whole ONS = no emotions. That's not true at all, otherwise you might as well just masturbate. Excitement of someone new is an emotion, the curiosity of a warm new body is an emotion. ONS does not imply zero emotion, it implies (well in fact it explicitly states) that it will only be for one night. There is also nothing random about it, since ONS will only happen when there's some form of chemistry between two people.

My apologies for the sloppy language. I take those emotions as a given. Surak hasn't made his appearance yet. :) For clarification, I am speaking to the "I'm interested in possibly making this person a part of my life" emotions. Or, those emotions that motivate a person to desire more than one sexual encounter with an individual.
 
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Sorry for the delayed response, but thank you all for your input. We had a very long talk about everything, and laid it all out on the table. I also showed this thread to her, and I have to say, although things aren't perfect, it's getting better.

I told her that the situation boils down to common sense and that if I don't trust him and if I don't feel comfortable with this entire situation, then she should respect it. Relationships aren't a one way street. Sometimes, she does have a tendency to play with fire, as she trusts very easily. I think the main reason why I'm so hellbent on this is because I don't want to see her hurt.
 
Because rape and a one night stand are totally the same thing... (since you were stupid enough to assume I included drugging people as a one night stand, I'll go ahead and point out that I'm being sarcastic here).

STUPID??? I beg your pardon!

As for drunkenness, alcohol merely lowers your inhibitions. It can't make you do something that you don't want to do. Assuming that they're not so drunk that they can't make a conscious decision...

Of course that is the degree of inebriation I was referring to.
 
The guy sounds like a typical cowboy. He likes her so he figures she'll leave you for him, plus your relationship has to be on the rocks for you to be fine with him anyways so that can't be much longer.

I would worry about it a lot. Does she know he mentions you being out of the picture? That seems pretty bad.
 
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