GroundedSpirit said:
For a new person coming in, you don't become a part of this whole web overnight. And maybe you simply shouldn't even desire to ! So I kind of scratch my head when I hear potential unicorns crying about how they can't get all this entanglement ! It's like duhhhhhhhhhh......you get the love, you get (double?) the affection, you may get part of the shelter and other life necessities often at little or no cost to you, you get your freedom to choose how much or how little you want and STILL you don't get what you want ??
Oooooooooooooo-k ! Whatever.
Ugh - this is us with Adrian. To a "T". Every time we give her something she has been trying to "get", she wants another inch, a mile, it's never enough, because complete equality is a measurable thing to her. It;s like she keeps score. She probably won't be around much longer - for her own good more than us "abandoning" her.
Man - too many posts to quote, so I won't bother.
We've managed to cover a lot of "unicorn" ground in the last almost 2 years. From Anne, the unicorn that "wandered into our camp and said hello" - and whom we broke up with not so nicely when she continually lied to us and her ex/not ex and just sort of generally played games, to Lana, the friend/roommate become girlfriend who took it slow with us and looks like will be with us forever, to Adrian, with whom we moved too fast because she fit so well - until we spent a lot of time with her, to playmates and interested other couples and FWB and girlfriends without benefits to unrequited attractions to - well, if it can be dreamed up, we've been there, sometimes more than one at a time.
So what's in it for the unicorn? Well, when things are good, a lot. Most of it has been covered in this thread already. But ask Lana - that mythical "in love with the couple" mindset is all she'll work with. Her connection to each of us is different, and her commitment to the two of us together is astonishing. She;s stuck out some frighteningly bad times with us and for us, walked through fire and worse. And she'll tell you - with us protesting in the background - that it's so much more than worth it that she doesn't consider it hard.
But ask Adrian, and she'll tell you being a Unicorn is HORRIBLE. You never get to be a real equal, the primary couple runs all over you roughshod and rudely.
Ask Anne - well, who cares what she thinks, she's a lying little bitch and needs to grow up, lol. (sorry - still true though)
Violet and Lana finally gave up on salvaging anything with Adrian, but allowed she & I to pursue something separately - a V from the triad, lol. It could have worked very well, and we might consider such an arrangement in the future - but a lot more carefully for sure. Adrian tried dating other guys, but aside from a hookup here & there, couldn't find anyone she connected with as well as with me according to her. But then she complains that it's not fir that I have multiple lovers and she only has me. Grrr... Anyway, i digress...
Unicorn "hunting" is a bad idea beyond a sex partner. You'll get all excited when you find one, and you'll WANT them to fit, and it'll go horribly wrong.
What the new guy has is the best way to go - you stumble on this awesome person and you both like them (her, but it could be a guy too!), and suddenly, it's - "Well - why CAN'T we have another partner in our life? Where is THAT carved in stone?" If you proceed cautiously from there and it seems to be working - GO FOR IT!
Communicate until you're sick of it, then keep doing it anyway. You'll get so sick of relationship talks that you'll want to strangle each other. Don't strangle each other, do keep talking.
You know that thing where you're discovering new things about each other and your relationship via this new dynamic? It'll keep happening. And it won't all be pretty. Sometimes, it'll suck BAD. You will discover things about yourselves and your relationship that wouldn't have ever been discovered without her - wouldn't have NEEDED to be discovered if not FOR her - and you won't like a lot of them.
It's worth it though.
Mostly.