The weekend was mostly a wash of burlesque, my brother being in town, a wonderful date to a local park for a hike and then dinner.
I came out to my brother about the burlesque-- well, to his partner and then to him. She wanted to know if they could crash at our place while they were in town, and I had to tell her that I had a show the night they wanted to stay over. No biggie. They came to the show! It was strange to look out over the crowd and see my baby brother. Not overly comfortable, but I just ignored it and carried on. He saw a number that was more funny than sexy, thank goodness.
Brad came to see my show for the first time too. He sat behind my brother, his partner and Mono. I'm not sure why he sat alone. It seemed odd to me. But after the show, we met up with Derby and a large group of friends, including Brad's wife, and the man I have been chatting with often that Leo's wife used to date. Brad seemed to socialize well with everyone there.
Leo's wife's ex and his wife were there. He and I have a casual, pleasant, relaxed friendship.
Derby had her last bout of the season on Saturday and I directed everyone to see her that night. There is always burlesque. There isn't always derby. Now the season is done I will invite people to see the next big show I'm in for Halloween. I have another show in between, but that is the biggie.
Everyone came to Mono's suite and we partied until 2:00. It was the second night in a row for Mono and me. We were in the groove. The night before had been a party for our monogamous friends and it had been just that-- monogamous. (Whatever that means. After years of poly I can actually sense a difference.)
The party was a poly pile up, complete with newbies and many metamours and loves.
Just the way I like it. Mono commented after it that he had enjoyed himself and thought that our new group of friends suited him and us more than the poly friends of the past. It does seem to be the beginning of a new era of poly friends, one that is well needed. There are some straggling old poly friends, but I feel as if there's been a fresh start, somehow.
My brother and PN came down to meet everyone and socialized for a while, but went up to bed after an hour. It was great to fall into bed after a large martini; dirty and wet, and a large take-out poutine (French fries, gravy and cheese curds, fucking awesome!). I was content.
Sunday I went for a hike with Brad after picking all the rest of the apples off our tree. It was the fourth tree of fruit to pick this summer and I was glad to finally give it a rest and give all the fruit away. The garden wasn't that great this year. The flowers were, but the veg sucked. It just wasn't warm and sunny enough at the right time. Damned island weather.
Brad and I hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks and it was great to catch up and get all our stories out. We laid down in a large grassy field by the ocean. It was a moment I won't easily forget, when I realized that there is really no going back and that I am not scared anymore. I have full trust in the situation and my lack of control of it. It was a good feeling to just be myself and be content that the others were as satisfied as I could possibly help make them.
Four partners is really too many. I don't suggest it. I don't know how I am managing. I don't give any relationship what I could if there were fewer, but I carry on and give as much as I can. Sometimes I want to hide and pretend it's just me to think about. Maybe I will take a break sometimes and do just that, but when I feel I have caught up with one, I remind myself of the perceived neglect of another. I flit from one relationship to another, all the while never feeling as if I have caught up, or been able to give as much as I wish I could.
Brad and I talked at dinner about how one knows that a person is partner-worthy. I decided that if I could imagine going on a vacation with someone. where we would spend a lot of down time together, just sitting and staring quietly in the comfort of the other's presence, then they are worth looking at as a partner. Small talk and having the need to entertain someone, to me, indicates friendship.
Silence and solitude, with very little going on, is a huge leap for me from daily life. I don't adjust easily. I need to feel safe to do that with someone. I would feel vulnerable. I would show a part of myself that isn't visible to many. I would have to trust deeply. Turning extroversion into introversion is a vulnerable thing. I don't do that with anyone except those I love and trust the most.
Ahh, a vacation like that with any of my loves fills my heart with glee. I really do think that I couldn't do without any of the four.
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Mono's friend is off again and he won't be seeing her until December, or even longer than that. He admitted last week that things have changed between them and that he hasn't given her the friendship he promised. He said that he had backed away and not lived up to the agreement he made to not do that, and she, in turn, has also backed away. However, I still see a heck of a lot of posting back and forth on FB, and notice occasionally when she writes him on FB. What "backing away" means, I don't understand. Changed feelings?
I was surprised he told me all of this. I don't hear about her often and I think I might have even asked to get that much out of him. He likes to be private. But he is beginning to tell me when people flirt with him and what happens when they do. He has a large number of followers and he loves to be admired. He's a charming man and very funny. I know that he gets lots of attention that I don't know about and I feel far more comfortable knowing about it. I ask questions so as to understand better. Then he thinks I am feeling threatened. I am curious and trying to sort out how I feel about certain people propositioning my man. Ha! I'm not used to it, even if it's likely been going on for some time without my knowledge.
We have been fighting more often lately about stupid little things that run away with us. I worry about it, due to his opening up emotionally a bit more about the woman, the flirting, etc., and the awkwardness of knowing more personal stuff about him. But I blow it off and make jokes about it. I don't think I will feel comfortable until after he finishes work for good and is settled into his new routine. All of us are waiting for that.