Hey. (Sock Puppet Trolling Thread - Closed)

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Hi,

I am late to the conversation, and perhaps overstepping my bounds, but I won't tell you to seek a different forum, at least not until I have some understanding of what's going on.

The problem that you have with this other woman: Is the problem that you suspect this other woman will take your husband away from you, and have him all to herself? Perhaps this is a "cowgirl" situation? If so, how can you tell that she is bent on taking your husband away?

You mentioned that she was "everything your husband wanted in a woman," and you feared that she was a "better catch than you," and that he would therefore leave you in order to be with her all the time.

Is it possible that some kind of self-insecurity is driving your fears? What can your husband do to reassure you (apart from leaving the other woman)?

Just seeing if I can get to the bottom of the rather perplexing problem.

Respectfully,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin,

I thought this thread was dead already until I got the notification that I had an update.

I am a little embarrassed by the whole thread. The truth is, this woman is not a cowgirl, not purposely anyways. My only issue with her is that she is many wonderful things that I am not and I do wonder if one day my dear husband will leave me for her.

He tries to assure me that he loves us both and that he will never leave, but never say never, right?

And to test him, I have tried to shut him out, push him away, offer to leave, but the harder I push him away, the more he comes back, I guess if he wanted her bad enough, he would take me up on those offers, wouldn't he?

And, in soul searching, I am trying to determine why I am suddenly so interested in keeping him; he has even noticed and mentioned that, why so possessive now? I tell him and myself the right thing to believe, that I love him more than anyone ever could but the fact is, maybe it's just because I don't want someone else, particularly her, to have him.

I know that is selfish and immature. But he was mine to start, he should be mine to keep.

Thank you for reaching out, but I am done discussing this.
 
I know that is selfish and immature. But he was mine to start, he should be mine to keep.

Last I checked slavery is still illegal, so no - he's not yours, he's never been yours, and he'll never be yours. He may be your husband or your lover or whatever, but he as a person is not YOURS. It is his choice to remain with you. Be thankful for that. Not many men would deal with the crap you've apparently been putting him through, especially when they don't subscribe to the "the one" paradigm.

If you know it's selfish and immature, why don't you work on growing? Become the woman of his dreams if that's what you wish you were. Or do you enjoy being like this? I mean, if you do, go for it, I guess, but you're always going to struggle with relationships with other people if you keep the "it's all about me and what I want and what makes me feel okay" attitude.

Good luck to you.
 
So for the past 5 yrs you've been open ....and the past year and half he's been with her .....what changed in your life that this became an issue .....why now? Has their been a change in your other relationship(s). Has this effected your other relatioships?

If you get your way does that mean you will dump all your outside relationships and go back to being mono.

Ps...if you got the time take a look at my other questions :confused:
 
Okay, I think I understand the situation a little better. You seem to be concerned that maybe someday your husband will leave you in order to be with her more. That fear is driving what seems to be an intense jealousy. Is there anything else that might be making you feel jealous, or does that about cover it?

Re:
"And to test him, I have tried to shut him out, push him away, offer to leave, but the harder I push him away, the more he comes back; I guess if he wanted her bad enough, he would take me up on those offers, wouldn't he?"

Yes, I think so. Surely it is enough to test him a little, and then take him at his word? Can you trust him? Do you trust him? Has he ever done anything to weaken your trust in him? Do you have any grief or trauma that you experienced in your past that might be hurting your ability to trust now?

How intense/extensive is this jealousy that you feel? Can you live with your husband spending some time with her, as long as he doesn't leave you?

I remember the first (so far only) time I went on this one really bad-ass ride at Cedar Point, the Top Thrill Dragster. It shot straight up in the air, and went straight back down, and we are talking a *long* ways up. When I was in the ride, I was just clutching the safety restraint, eyes squeezed shut, hanging on for dear life. This image came back to me when I read about your situation. You seem to be caught in some kind of terrifying ride, and are clutching on to your husband for fear of losing him. Can you loosen your grip just a little, or is the terror too intense?

I am just curious to know what is driving these intense fears you are experiencing. I respect your right to not talk about it, if you don't want to talk about it any further. But if you change your mind and do want to talk about it, I'm listening.

Take some comfort from your husband's reassurances if you can. Sometimes the fear of vulnerability is all it takes to throw us into a defensive posture.

Hope this somehow helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like this was born out some marital issues....who's idea was this as the solution ? Was this the best idea ? What were the ideas that got rejected ?

Is Wifely duty code for sex? How much was expected....how much different was your desire for sex.?


Also it does have that swinger mentality ....recretional sex ...but feelings and commitments are out of bounds.

I agree with the hooker idea..... Was that ever discussed?


To answer you. We opened our relationship after the proverbial 7 year itch. Sex got boring, I lost interest. Completely. It did start out as swinging, yes, but it changed into more with at least two other women.

Hooker? Would be better than worrying every time he leaves me for her that he won't be coming back. That means she wins and I lose.


So for the past 5 yrs you've been open ....and the past year and half he's been with her .....what changed in your life that this became an issue .....why now? Has their been a change in your other relationship(s). Has this effected your other relatioships?

If you get your way does that mean you will dump all your outside relationships and go back to being mono.

Ps...if you got the time take a look at my other questions :confused:

I was seeing someone until several months ago and that ended. I have no other relationships at this time but I am starting to wonder if maybe I should start looking. I need another option if he chooses to stay with her, not move on.

I tried the angle that this wasn't fair to her but he won't listen. He empathizes but swears that she knows what the situation entails. She can decide for herself.

Would I go back to being mono? Maybe, yes, until she's long out of the picture. I will play safe until i know she is gone then i'll reopen our relationship. He can have "friends" again, as will I; it just won't be her.

Okay, I think I understand the situation a little better. You seem to be concerned that maybe someday your husband will leave you in order to be with her more. That fear is driving what seems to be an intense jealousy. Is there anything else that might be making you feel jealous, or does that about cover it?

Re:


Yes, I think so. Surely it is enough to test him a little, and then take him at his word? Can you trust him? Do you trust him? Has he ever done anything to weaken your trust in him? Do you have any grief or trauma that you experienced in your past that might be hurting your ability to trust now?

How intense/extensive is this jealousy that you feel? Can you live with your husband spending some time with her, as long as he doesn't leave you?

I remember the first (so far only) time I went on this one really bad-ass ride at Cedar Point, the Top Thrill Dragster. It shot straight up in the air, and went straight back down, and we are talking a *long* ways up. When I was in the ride, I was just clutching the safety restraint, eyes squeezed shut, hanging on for dear life. This image came back to me when I read about your situation. You seem to be caught in some kind of terrifying ride, and are clutching on to your husband for fear of losing him. Can you loosen your grip just a little, or is the terror too intense?

I am just curious to know what is driving these intense fears you are experiencing. I respect your right to not talk about it, if you don't want to talk about it any further. But if you change your mind and do want to talk about it, I'm listening.

Take some comfort from your husband's reassurances if you can. Sometimes the fear of vulnerability is all it takes to throw us into a defensive posture.

Hope this somehow helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

The jealousy and insecurity is really intense. No, he's never done anything to make me question that but his devotion to her and his feelings for her are very strong. I actually agree with him, she is an amazing woman, which is why I am so threatened. Their connection is unbelievable.

I think my husband says what he needs to say to appease me. I've had some mental health issues as of late that I think he says what he is supposed to say to make me feel better. But I have read his emails to her, and they say a different story. He would rather be there. He doesn't say that outright, but deep down, I know it.
 
Re:
"I need another option if he chooses to stay with her, not move on."

Is it possible he can choose to stay with her, *and* choose to stay with you at the same time? In polyamory, we like to say that choosing one person doesn't have to mean "dumping the other." Doesn't mean literally being with both people all the time, just means that time is set aside for both people individually in turn.

Re:
"I've had some mental health issues as of late that I think he says what he is supposed to say to make me feel better. But I have read his emails to her, and they say a different story. He would rather be there. He doesn't say that outright, but deep down, I know it."

So you have concerns that he is perhaps not "playing straight" with you.

Let me ask you this: Why does he spend time with you (at all) if he'd rather be with her? What's holding your marriage together?

No offense (nor rhetorical questions) intended, just honestly seeking a gradually better understanding of the situation. Let me know as much as you can of what you believe is happening.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Who ended the relationship ....you or your bf or gf ?

Would we being having this conversation if that relationship was still intact?

Do you realize you said I'll stay mono for a while then " I'll " reopen the relationship.....does he ever get a vote or voice on things? Does he pick out his own close ?

How would you rate the strength of your marriage? 5 yrs ago ...and today?

Are you being treated for your mental health issues ? Is counseling part of that?
 
So you have concerns that he is perhaps not "playing straight" with you.

Let me ask you this: Why does he spend time with you (at all) if he'd rather be with her? What's holding your marriage together?

No offense (nor rhetorical questions) intended

Yes, perhaps. He didn't tell me that he was in love with her. I stumbled upon that information. Emotional cheating? Why would he lie if there wasn't something for me to worry about?

I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with me. He does make an effort with me. But, deep down, I know that many times, he yearns to be with her and I don't blame him, I see how happy she makes him.

No offense taken. Thank you for your consideration.

Who ended the relationship ....you or your bf or gf ?

Would we being having this conversation if that relationship was still intact?

Do you realize you said I'll stay mono for a while then " I'll " reopen the relationship.....does he ever get a vote or voice on things? Does he pick out his own close ?

How would you rate the strength of your marriage? 5 yrs ago ...and today?

Are you being treated for your mental health issues ? Is counseling part of that?

You sure do ask alot of questions!

I was in a long distance relationship with my bf. He got very distant. We lost touch. I guess he found someone else in his new community. Would we be having this conversation if he was still around? Maybe, maybe not. It's hard to answer that. At least with him, I had another source of support.

He thinks he gets a vote. But he really doesn't. I have a strong fight/flight response to this. Fight - I will pull out all the stops to keep him so that he doesn't leave me for her. Flight. - More like a fake flight - You can leave, I'll understand and forgive you for hurting me, your happiness is the most important. That gets him everytime. :D

Counselling is a private matter. But yes, I have sought out help.
 
Re:
"I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with me. He does make an effort with me. But, deep down, I know that many times, he yearns to be with her and I don't blame him, I see how happy she makes him."

So he doesn't *always* want to be with her, but you suspect that he doesn't spend *as much* time with her as he feels like spending.

It's possible there's a certain amount of NRE (New Relationship Energy) involved between him and her. NRE takes awhile to wear off, and it can be rather blinding in the beginning. He may be trying to resist the effects of NRE, in which case it's not entirely inappropriate for him to "push himself" when it comes to spending time with you. Later on, the logistics may still be similar, but they may "flow" a little more naturally.

I kind of get the impression that *control* is an important thing for you to have within the relationship. Letting go of a little bit of that control may seem a little scary. But there may be rewards if you can do it.

You have a complex situation and will need to study things from every angle as you go along.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
He thinks he gets a vote. But he really doesn't. I have a strong fight/flight response to this. Fight - I will pull out all the stops to keep him so that he doesn't leave me for her. Flight. - More like a fake flight - You can leave, I'll understand and forgive you for hurting me, your happiness is the most important. That gets him everytime. :D
This gives me the impression that you don't have a lot of respect for him. You allow him to think his opinion is important, but in your mind it isn't.

Then it sounds like you are playing mind-games to get him to feel like he doesn't want to leave you.

Neither sound very up-front, honest or respectful. You feel that he isn't respecting your agreements and relationships (that he wouldn't fall in love so deeply with another), but I am getting the feeling that this is a bit of a two-way street.

Is having him around (whether the relationship is truly working or just appearing to) more important to you than his happiness? It sounds like you, also, are feeling a lot of negative emotions - fear and jealousy amongst others. What would it take for you to be really happy? Is him being emotionally monogamous (maybe with sex play on the side) the only way you can picture that?

You said you were thinking about starting looking - do you only see that as a "safety net" in case he leaves you, or do you feel that having that second relationship would be good for you on its own? Do you feel that you could fall in love with another?

This stuff *is* incredibly complicated, and the emotions involved are some of the most compelling for us. Folks' responses on here have been in reaction to some of the wording that you have used, which they may well have misinterpreted. I will plead "guilty" to some of that, too, from reading what I said before. If that was upsetting, then please accept my apology.
 
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He thinks he gets a vote. But he really doesn't. I have a strong fight/flight response to this. Fight - I will pull out all the stops to keep him so that he doesn't leave me for her. Flight. - More like a fake flight - You can leave, I'll understand and forgive you for hurting me, your happiness is the most important. That gets him everytime. :D

Counselling is a private matter. But yes, I have sought out help.

Okay, these sentences juxtaposed make me very sorry for you. Borderline personality disorder is nothing to sneeze at. However, with time and therapy, it is treatable, and I'm sure things will look better soon enough!
 
Sorry about the questions but I'm having a hard time fully getting this.


Was the loss of your bf painful, or upsetting.

Additional support or a distraction?

Have been active in trying to find another partner?
 
Then it sounds like you are playing mind-games to get him to feel like he doesn't want to leave you.

Neither sound very up-front, honest or respectful. You feel that he isn't respecting your agreements and relationships (that he wouldn't fall in love so deeply with another), but I am getting the feeling that this is a bit of a two-way street.

Is having him around (whether the relationship is truly working or just appearing to) more important to you than his happiness? It sounds like you, also, are feeling a lot of negative emotions - fear and jealousy amongst others. What would it take for you to be really happy? Is him being emotionally monogamous (maybe with sex play on the side) the only way you can picture that?

You said you were thinking about starting looking - do you only see that as a "safety net" in case he leaves you, or do you feel that having that second relationship would be good for you on its own? Do you feel that you could fall in love with another?

I don't want him to leave me. The reasons are irrelevant.

I understand if he cares for another woman, he's a very caring man. But he loves this woman far too much for my liking. Sex is sex. Who cares about that.

I am putting up one strong fight. I'm declaring my undying love for him several times a day. I'm almost making myself sick with it. I love him, yes, but how I'm portraying it is overkill, so that he believes that I love him more than she does.

I definitely could and have fallen in love with another man. I still love him. I understand that that makes me sound hypocritical, and perhaps I am, but many others on here have stated quite clearly their discomfort with these Secondary women as well.

Okay, these sentences juxtaposed make me very sorry for you. Borderline personality disorder is nothing to sneeze at. However, with time and therapy, it is treatable, and I'm sure things will look better soon enough!

Are you being sarcastic?? Please don't feel sorry for me. I DO NOT have borderline personality. I suffer from mild depression. It's not even that serious.


Sorry about the questions but I'm having a hard time fully getting this.


Was the loss of your bf painful, or upsetting.

Additional support or a distraction?

Have been active in trying to find another partner?

Yes it was very upsetting to lose my boyfriend. Who enjoys being ignored, forgotten? I guess it's my own fault for being so involved with him, it distracted me from realizing my husband was falling in love with this other woman.

No, I have not been active in looking. But I may change that if this continues with my husband.
 
Are you being sarcastic?? Please don't feel sorry for me. I DO NOT have borderline personality. I suffer from mild depression. It's not even that serious.

I can find half the people I know in the DSM, including myself. I've had a doctor suspect I was borderline, and I was behaving a lot like you are now. I also know from depression, since it runs in the family, so I'm glad yours is only mild.

The funniest thing about such vehement denials is what they betray about the person doing the denying. You know what BPD is; I'd guess this isn't the first time someone's wondered about you. I'd also guess that you were brought up either to think that mental illness is shameful (which it's not) or never to be discussed with anyone but your spouse and your therapist (...which I don't believe in, but hey, your brain).

I don't understand why you're so insistent on staying with someone who, though you love him, doesn't seem to care where your boundaries are. Often a refusal to leave an untenable situation masks an intense fear of loneliness. The prospect of starting over is terrifying, but sometimes you have to do it.
 
I can find half the people I know in the DSM, including myself.

I don't understand why you're so insistent on staying with someone who, though you love him, doesn't seem to care where your boundaries are. Often a refusal to leave an untenable situation masks an intense fear of loneliness. The prospect of starting over is terrifying, but sometimes you have to do it.

DSM? I don't even know what that is. No, I do not have borderline personality disorder. I have mild depression. I don't even take meds for it, it's managed through proper diet and exercise.

So, what happened to your original thoughts on what I was doing to him? First you thought I was wrong, now you are saying that he should respect my boundaries? Which is it? Even I know it's wrong to veto their relationship after this long, that changing the rules this far into it is wrong. Even though I want them to end their relationship doesn't mean I agree that it's right. Hence my dilemma.

You are right on one thing though, I do not want to be alone. What if nobody else wants me? He leaves for her (and honestly she's great, this isn't her fault, hence my fears), my other bf left. I have some issues, what if nobody else wants me? that's why I need to hold onto him for dear life even though I know deep down he would be happier with her.
 
DSM? I don't even know what that is. No, I do not have borderline personality disorder. I have mild depression. I don't even take meds for it, it's managed through proper diet and exercise.

You're lucky not to know. You're lucky not to need medication. Give great thanks. It could always be worse.

So, what happened to your original thoughts on what I was doing to him? First you thought I was wrong, now you are saying that he should respect my boundaries? Which is it? Even I know it's wrong to veto their relationship after this long, that changing the rules this far into it is wrong. Even though I want them to end their relationship doesn't mean I agree that it's right. Hence my dilemma.

Both. You are wrong to treat her as if she's dirt. He is wrong not to care that this hurts you. And you never did give the impression that you cared whether it was right to veto her. You called her "mistress"; do you know how much that hurts to hear? You acted as if she didn't matter. Only your happiness mattered.

Hate your husband all you like. He's the one who did wrong. But the way you spoke of the other woman is not right and I don't apologise for taking you to task. I am a woman not unlike her and I am no-one's mistress. I came into my partnership with everyone knowing what was what; that makes it wrong for my metamour to call me such names. "Mistress" is a slur on a secondary. Don't lash out at her. You should call him the names instead, except that there are very few for men who misbehave in this way.

And if it really is loneliness you fear, look inside yourself. When I was lonely and too desperate for a man, I hated what little I knew about who I was. Then I saw that in my desperation, I was driving everyone good away. My behavior attracted all of the wrong people. I opened my eyes and I saw, and I changed. Only when I changed did I get what I have now. I had to love and respect myself in a way that didn't depend on the love of another person. You love your husband like there is nothing else in the world for you--not true! If he disrespects you, why do you love him? Why do you still want him?

Everyone leaves when we push them into leaving. That is what I did. That is what I see. I was alone for a short while, but that is not lonely. Alone is a choice; lonely is what happens when we forget to choose.
 
You're lucky not to know. You're lucky not to need medication. Give great thanks. It could always be worse.



Both. You are wrong to treat her as if she's dirt. He is wrong not to care that this hurts you. And you never did give the impression that you cared whether it was right to veto her. You called her "mistress"; do you know how much that hurts to hear? You acted as if she didn't matter. Only your happiness mattered.

Hate your husband all you like. He's the one who did wrong. But the way you spoke of the other woman is not right and I don't apologise for taking you to task. I am a woman not unlike her and I am no-one's mistress. I came into my partnership with everyone knowing what was what; that makes it wrong for my metamour to call me such names. "Mistress" is a slur on a secondary. Don't lash out at her. You should call him the names instead, except that there are very few for men who misbehave in this way.

Oh, so you are secondary? No wonder you are offended by my remarks about her. Now I get it. Sorry about that.

Two things.

I really have nothing against "my Metamour" (better?) aside from the fact that she is wonderful and my husband is in love with her.

Second. How exactly has he disrespected me? I never implied that. My only issue is that he won't stop seeing her. (And truthfully, why should he?) And i only want that because i fear that the more time he spends with her, the more he will want to be with her. They really are great together, i have witnessed it. And, as I stated, he tries very hard to reassure me that he loves me and would never leave me. He is very respectful to both her and I. He's a great guy, who would want to lose him? Nether of them are bad people, which is what worries me most.
 
Oh, so you are secondary? No wonder you are offended by my remarks about her. Now I get it. Sorry about that.

Apology accepted.

Second. How exactly has he disrespected me? I never implied that. My only issue is that he won't stop seeing her. (And truthfully, why should he?) And i only want that because i fear that the more time he spends with her, the more he will want to be with her. They really are great together, i have witnessed it. And, as I stated, he tries very hard to reassure me that he loves me and would never leave me. He is very respectful to both her and I. He's a great guy, who would want to lose him? Nether of them are bad people, which is what worries me most.

So if she's brilliant and he's brilliant, get the three of you together and talk about your fears. (And if you can, talk with her alone. We fear what we don't understand.) The most anyone can do is reassure you. It's on you to trust what he's saying. If you perceive his actions as respectful toward you, then act like it. Accepting that he won't leave her is a good start; I think it may take time before you believe he won't leave you, either.
 
Re (from Daffodil, Post #36):
"That's why I need to hold onto him for dear life even though I know deep down he would be happier with her."

You can't think like that ... If he is staying with you, you have to trust that he is staying with you because he wants to. Is there something he has done (in the past) to cause you to not trust him?

Perhaps this isn't as complicated of a situation as it seems to be ... Perhaps he really does want to have both you and her in his life. Do you think that's possible?

Perhaps it would help if he would slow down with this other person?

Re (from Daffodil, Post #38):
"As I stated, he tries very hard to reassure me that he loves me and would never leave me. He is very respectful to both her and I. He's a great guy, who would want to lose him? Nether of them are bad people, which is what worries me most."

That's kind of sad, to me. He's being reassuring towards you, and is a great guy, and you're afraid of losing him ... Don't you feel that you're a person who is worthy of love? I think that we, as human beings, are usually afraid of being vulnerable.

Polyamory = wanting to be with at least two different people. I feel that this is the part of the definition that you are having a hard time wrapping your mind around. You can ask him to do little things to help you feel reassured, but can you trust him to love you, even when he loves someone else also? This is the big question.
 
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