How long will you take?

Perks

New member
Poly= I've been this way my whole life. I know myself.

Mono= Husband is knee deep in it.

I came into this marriage with these words.... "I'm GOING to have sex with other people. Are you SURE you want to do this?" (And yes I know it sounds like I swing but we had talked before about relationships.) He knew what he was getting into.

A week ago my husband says to me: "I don't like this. I'm not ok with any part of you being with someone else. This might be a deal breaker for me."

Like a baseball to the face.

So now what? I've been with other people. I have a boyfriend right now. Am I in a world of shit? Is this new feeling he has retroactive? Will there be jail time?

I will admit to playing soft with him for the first four years. And by that I mean I didn't look for another relationship. And this is probably due to the fact that I am very picky about who I want to be with, but I guess that made it pretty easy for him to pretend I was mono.

The last year has been go go poly. Not sure why the change of heart.

Anyone else ever have this happen to them? Did it work out? Why do mono people fall in love with poly people? Is it because we have nice hair?
 
I'd thank him for coming to me with his issues, and probe a bit to get him to elaborate on what "Might be a dealbreaker" means to him and where he's wanting to take it.

Because he says it MIGHT be a dealbreaker. What does that mean? Is it a soft limit and not a hard limit? Like he's willing to try and see if he can fly with this but needs help getting the kite off the ground in a more palatable way?

Is he conflicted and needs support and nurture from you in general and then practical help elsewhere? Like do you need a poly friendly therapist to help you? To create your rights and responsibilities framework? (That is mine) And help him as individual person to cope with his feelings at this time too?

Or is he saying he's done? Game over?

I'd think about ME and where I would want to take it and if I'm in it still or what. It's not so much about how long he's going to take. He himself may not know. It's how long I would be willing to wait for him and if my love for him is enough to sustain me through the wait. Would I still be in it if the questioning period was a year? Two years? Indefinite?

Marriage is a commitment. Given that you were clear from the onset that you were poly, and now you have a BF, I wouldn't throw in the towel just because things got rough. Maybe this BF is finally making it be a reality for the hubby -- so there's some kind of elephant in the room to break down but he doesn't have the skills strong enough to DO it with you so he's scared?

This elephant is of another color, but I'd answer the same. BREATHE. Break it down. One bit at a time. With a pro if need be. It doesn't have to be the end.

But first answer -- how IN this marriage are you both? Didn't you promise thick and thin? Do you still love each other? Have you fallen out of love?

If so, don't put off the inevitable.

If you are still in love, talk about your Questioning Time. Maybe it's agree to a "Year of Investigation" with a therapist and then reassess after that where you are at and if enough progress is moving along to renew for another year or what.

Is your marriage worth that? Only you guys can answer these kinds of questions for yourselves.

HTH!

GG
 
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This sounds really similar to my current situation. Please excuse the small high jacking of the thread.
Me= poly even before I knew there was a word for it. Never cut out to be housewife material, more of a wanderer type
Gamerboy(my partner)= More traditional but open minded. now struggling, really struggling, with sharing my time and me
I was brutally honest from the beginning. I told him I had no interest in a lifelong monogamous relationship, I like/need to be able to move/travel and have my own life. He said ok.
The first four years of our relationship were monogamous, (we opened our relationship a year and a half ago). I didn't work or really have any outside activities or make any moves to look for an outside relationship. This was due to lack of funds, free time and caring for young children. But due to our current struggles, more on that later, it appears he liked it that way. From our conversations, both early and over the last few years, it seems that he didn't really take me seriously. Its not that he wasn't listening or disregarding me, just that it didn't expect it to be a problem.
So now here we are, a year after opening our relationship and me starting to get out on my own and he is struggling and breaking down. I can't give him all of me, and I don't know that what I can give will be enough. I have always been honest about who I was and had a fairly good idea of who he was. I am hoping these are just growing pains and that we can both have what we need/want without the other feeling betrayed. We are working on it, so we'll see.
sorry for side tracking, just wanted to say I understood.
 
Thank you for the reply.

Still in love. Totally.

I've given up a lot for this relationship (not just about this) and I don't think I could leave him even if he said no to poly. I'm in this till death.

GalaGirl I agree with you on every point you've made. I've talked his ear off with questions! The problem is this guy never talks or opens up. His only answer to anything I've asked him is, "I don't know". And he is like this about most things so my fear is this could go on for years. Last problem we had (unrelated to this topic) was 2 years ago and he still has not given me an answer!

He did not come to me with this new feeling he had. I knew that something was wrong and I pushed him about it till he cracked.

We go to therapy as well. He just isn't a talker. He is super super shy and hates talking about his personal life/stuff with anyone. (Actually, I think he even hates feeling feelings.)

I know that there is nothing I can do. He will figure out his feelings in his own time and I can only wait to see what happens.
 
Castalia,

Yep same boat. Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship. Some days I get kinda mad at myself for allowing this to happen. (Totally my fault!) My husband gets 100% of my time. I only see my BF and the few friends I have in this town when my husband is at work.

Oh my god. I sound like property.
 
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A week ago my husband says to me: "I don't like this. I'm not ok with any part of you being with someone else. This might be a deal breaker for me."

The last year has been go go poly. Not sure why the change of heart.

First - my husband isn't a talker either and getting information out of him is like getting your teeth drilled. Talk with your therapist about getting better communication between the two of you. It is extremely important. Would your husband be willing to write it down. Sometime those that won't "talk" will email.

Now, as you stated this last year has been "go go poly", maybe everything is happening too fast for him. His brain can't keep up with the emotions so he can't even address them until he is feeling slammed and overwhelmed. Slow down a little. Let your husband know you are backing off a bit while the two of you try and figure out exactly where the problem lies.

When we are "go go" anything, we tend to leave others around us in our wake, trying to figure out what just happened. Have you been neglecting his needs? Have you been so caught up in the excitement of it all you've been a bit insensitive?

Just an observation: Your post seems a bit rushed and "hurry up to the finish". Do you have conversations in the same manner, talk fast, rush to the end and possibly skip what seem like irrelevant details in the process?
 
Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship.

This is not healthy and should be addressed with your marriage counselor. I can see not traveling for monetary concerns, but isolating yourself is never a good plan (although very common once kids enter the picture, there is only so much time in a day).
 
I was less firm about what I wanted when my wife and I married, but I was definitely poly before I knew what the word was. I'm in the same boat as you guys, although my wife is trying very hard to be accepting.

It's difficult, and therapy helps, but only if both parties are willing to talk. You have to be understanding, and go at a safe pace.

The girl from my blog (DragonTattoo) and her husband went through this same thing. They weren't ever really mono, but they were more swinger-ish before going poly. Before she went poly is more like it. Soo yeah, it's a recurring theme in our worlds.

I feel like this is a problem with our society not really accepting poly as something that's real or tolerated. "Yeah, okay, you go do that..." a year later, "wait, WHAT?!"

We all need to strive to be more understanding of our partners and help them. This is a difficult journey. We've felt this way our whole lives. They've known about our world and our thoughts for 4 years. Not a very long time to adjust. Especially when it's not slapping them in the fact that whole time.

Be patient, talk A LOT, and try to get them to understand that they are the world to you, and that your wanting to do this isn't a reflection of them, it's just who and how you are.

The "I don't know" response is something I get a lot. Don't blame them. My wife honestly doesn't know. It hurts her, but she has been taught by her crappy family to bury her feelings so she can't figure them out. That's the counselor's job to unravel. If they can't, time for a new counselor, imo. Our counselor unraveled my wife in about 10 seconds. Stuff I couldn't get her to tell me in years. And it's not my wife's fault. I just didn't know the right questions to ask.

Your husband needs to be ready and willing to accept the hard truths. He needs to stop allowing "I don't know" to be sufficient.
 
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This is not healthy and should be addressed with your marriage counselor. I can see not traveling for monetary concerns, but isolating yourself is never a good plan (although very common once kids enter the picture, there is only so much time in a day).

It could be that they moved and she had to give up all three. It could be a number of things. We should let Perks explain before we jump to the "your husband owns you like slave" line of thought.

(Not trying to call you out, just think we should let Perks elaborate more)
 
It could be that they moved and she had to give up all three. It could be a number of things. We should let Perks explain before we jump to the "your husband owns you like slave" line of thought.

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of self isolation. I didn't assume that the husband demanded it. I've done this and it did need to be addressed in marriage counceling. In my case, it was at the center of a number of other smaller issues. If she moved away, then effort needs to be taken to make new friends and the husband needs to be supportive of this...
 
Castalia,

Yep same boat. Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship. Some days I get kinda mad at myself for allowing this to happen. (Totally my fault!) My husband gets 100% of my time. I only see my BF and the few friends I have in this town when my husband is at work.

Oh my god. I sound like property.

Oh man, this sounds so familiar. :( Unfortunately, sometimes we let go of the things we want or need because they are not understood or an option for the other party. We make a choice to do what is best for everyone else, even if it is at great costs to ourselves. It takes a very long time to unlearn these habits.
The problem with this is these things are always in us and have a tendency to jump up during inopportune times causing great distress to those around us.

Like Kylekat said "we all need to learn to be patient and communicate with our partners" but we also need to be aware of the pitfalls we put ourselves in just to avoid hurting others. There has to be some sort of balance.
 
My DH was NOT great at articulation at the start. It isn't so much that he cannot articulate. It is that he comes from a background where articulation put you in the dog house. It took him a while to believe and then do and then see that I am different.

YES, if you tell me something I do not like to hear I may have a minor side GRRR moment. I still welcome the news. No, you are not in the dog house. I just need to steam valve on the side for a moment before I can return to this thing and address it like a sane person. I go ballistic at information withheld. I do not go ballistic at information given that I don't love to hear. There IS a difference.

He often would say "I don't know." To hem and haw and hedge his bets. He doesn't do that any more and he's much more up front but sometimes he gets stuck. To this day it still helps when he goes "I don't know" to ask him for his buckets.

"Alright. You do not know the metabucket answer from all your health buckets combined. Gimme the buckets separate then. How are you on this ...

  • In your BODY? Anything tense? Hurting? Stomach butterflies? Relaxed?
  • In your MIND? Mind racing and won't shut up? Mind stuck or slow as molasses?
  • In your HEART? Is it dark in there? Heavy? Sweetness and light?
  • In your SOUL? Hang time at the forge? Soaring? Where is spirit?

The other day I asked him on a minor issue -- "Hey, where you at? Can I go out to coffee with a friend?"

He goes "I don't know."

I sigh and go "Gimme buckets."

He thinks. Then answers slowly.

"Well... my body is tired. It was a long day at work. I did not sleep well last night. My mind heart is full and content. My brain is fried. I have crazy clients. You would not even believe! My soul? Um. My soul is peaceful. Content?"

I respond "So I'm getting 2 counts of tired, and 2 neutrals. So you really ought to nap and skip parenting duty tonight. And I really ought to schedule my date with the gals for later in the week so you have a chance to rest. Is that the ball park we are in?"

He blinks. "Um... yah?"

"Great! You get nap, I get to carry on and fix my calendar. Thanks!"

And I go off to do my thing cheerfully. And he gets to nap cheerfully. And nobody has any cows. All well with the world.

But seriously he used to make me CRAZY with the "I don't know" thing. It is fine not to know and need extra time to sort that out. If that is TRUE.

But do not default there because you wish to avoid having to think or do the work required to give me my right to clear communication. Do not avoid, shirk, or obfuscate. Just SPIT IT OUT. So I can know where we stand and I can move on to dealing with whatever it is on my end of the equation.

And I have a drop dead date -- because if I need to move a thing forward and make a decision and your indecision is holding me up? Then I need to move without taking your information on boardthen. And you cannot get mad at me for doing that because YOU declined to exercise your right/opportunity to get your information ON BOARD.

Everyone holds their own bag!

Maybe try the technique of asking him for his buckets separately rather than the Meta-bucket of all things combined in one answer? Get a better temperature check in bite sizes?

GalaGirl
 
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My DH was NOT great at articulation at the start. It isn't so much that he cannot articulate. It is that he comes from a background where articulation put you in the dog house. It took him a while to believe and then do and the see what I am different.

YES, if you tell me something I do not like to hear I may have a minor side GRRR moment.

I still welcome the news. No, you are not in the dog house. I just need to steam valve on the side for a moment before I can return to this thing and address it like a sane person. I go ballistic at information withheld. I do not go ballistic at information given that I don't love to hear. There IS a difference.

He often would say "I don't know." To hem and haw and hedge his bets. He doesn't do that any more and he's much more up front but sometimes he gets stuck. To this day it still helps when he goes "I don't know" to ask him for his buckets.

"Alright. You do not know the metabucket answer from all your health buckets combined. Gimme the buckets separate then. How are you on this ...

  • In your BODY? Anything tense? Hurting?
  • In your MIND? Mind racing and won't shut up? Mind stuck or slow as molasses?
  • In your HEART? Is it dark in there? Heavy? Sweetness and light?
  • In your SOUL? Hang time at the forge? Soaring? Where is spirit?

The other day I asked him on a minor issue -- "hey, where you at? Can I go out to coffee with a friend?"

He goes "I don't know."

I sigh and go "Gimme buckets."

He thinks. Then answers slowly.

"Well... my body is tired. It was a long day at work. I did not sleep well last night. My mind heart is full and content. My brain is fried. I have crazy clients. You would not even believe! My soul? Um. My soul is peaceful. Content?"

I respond "So I'm getting 2 counts of tired, and 2 neutrals. So you really ought to nap and skip parenting duty tonight. And I really ought to schedule my date with the gals for later in the week so you have a chance to rest. Is that the ball park we are in?"

He blinks. "Um... yah?"

"Great! You nap, I get to carry on and fix my calendar. Thanks!"

And I go off to do my thing cheerfully. And he gets to nap cheerfully. And nobody has any cows. All well with the world.

But seriously he makes me CRAZY with the "I don't know" thing. I just want him to SPIT IT OUT so I can move on to dealing with whatever it is. I don't like not knowing.

Maybe try the technique of asking him for his buckets separately rather than the Meta-bucket of all things combined in one answer? Get a better temperature check.

GalaGirl

I like this. I'm going to try this with my wife. :) Thanks again GG for your insightfulness!
 
I think I identify pretty well with the husbands and wife that have been mentioned.

"I don't know" comes out of my mouth a lot when I can not articulate my feelings or am stalling for time to sort them. Or when I just don't want to bother to sort them. I'm working on it.
I tend to say things in my head a million times over before deciding whether or not to force myself to spit it out or not.

I'm getting better about it, but it is a long, slow process for me. It's hard for me to identify certain feelings, and even harder to find the root cause of them. Kind of a learned helplessness left over from childhood.

Someone suggested email. That has certainly helped me to communicate with my boyfriend during this transition. I'm getting better about talking to him face to face, but in the beginning, I just couldn't. Or wouldn't, I guess. It was too uncomfortable and I wanted nothing more than to avoid it.

So, I second email if he can't be convinced to talk about it face to face. I thought my boyfriend seeing other people was a deal breaker, too. Maybe it is and I just haven't realized it yet, but I'm still working on my insecurities with him; sometimes it just has to be through text.
 
Wow people post fast on here! Thank you everyone for your comments.

I was trying to make my original post short and to the point but I guess I should explain things a bit better.

Yes I moved to be with him. I gave up things so I could have him in my life full time. It has been hard for me to make new friends and I don't have a lot of support from him due to his independent nature.

He does not communicate. How can I make/force someone open up? (you can't) I've been trying for years to find a way and nothing seems to work. I try to offer other ways for him to express himself and he is like a brick wall. I've been open and talk to him about this topic (poly) and other issues all the time. After five years of asking, "Are you ok? What's going on? How are you feeling?" about every single thing we do together as a couple and as individuals takes its toll. Sorry if I seem a little frustrated and rushed. We pay for therapy every week so we can have the same conversation over and over. I've had it at this point. I can't continue to put ALL of my life goals on hold (have no life/friends, job, etc.) because he likes it better that way. (I know our main problem is much deeper than just the poly issue. Sorry to trail off poly topic but I just had to explain my situation.)

We do not have kids and we will not be having any. He has no friends and hates it when I ask him to make some. I see my friends one night a week for dinner and he hates to see me go. I only see my BF once a week for 3 hours while my husband works late. He has requested this setup so that it would not disrupt his time with me. Is this moving too fast? I feel if I move any slower I will turn into a snail.

I have been the person to compromise in this relationship. We talk about this in therapy every week. I put his needs and wants first and it can't always be that way. I could keep it up for a few years but it looks like I'm starting to feel the burn.

I want to express that I love my husband very very much. He sounds like nut ball when I type all this down but he really is a good person. And if anything I'm the crazy one. I've had a very out of the norm life and sometimes I let my body move forward without talking it over with my brain first.

Thanks again for all the helpful comments!
 
I've given up a lot for this relationship (not just about this) and I don't think I could leave him even if he said no to poly. I'm in this till death.

Then you have no issue, as you've decided to take whatever he wants to dish out.
 
Why should he communicate? He's getting everything he wants without it.

Also he doesn't sound independent. He sounds controlling and demanding. You can't see friends without it being a problem? He has no friends himself? Is he the reason you are currently without a job? He's utterly dependent on you for social interaction? It's one thing to be introverted and not want or need a whole gaggle of friends. But he sounds withdrawn which is another kettle of fish. He also seems desperate to keep you in just the manner in which you are now living.

Why did you decide to do that? Love is not a sufficient answer. That's the excuse for giving up everything, not the reason. Answering that question will tell you much about yourself and your relationship. Sacrifices are often necessary in a serious relationship, but they should be the kind where it's a 'win-win' if not immediately at least down the road. Like supporting a spouse through school and then enjoying the bump in income when they start working in their chosen profession. Or understanding that a spouse is just incapable of balancing a checkbook or not burning dinner, so you take over those chores while they pick up the slack where you are not so great.

If you are having the same conversation over and over in therapy and getting nowhere, do either or both of these: try a new therapist and/or get a therapist just for you and, if he is agreeable, a therapist just for him. If he doesn't want you to go just for you, tell him to get over it.

'Co-dependent' is a word that gets thrown around too much. But, the slipper fits on this one. It is not a healthy relationship when either or both of the participants wants or needs the other to be less than they are. Never be less than what you are for another person. Ever.

I'm understand you love him. But I seriously ask you, So? Is he good for you? Does he help make you a better version of yourself? It does not sound like it. It sounds like he is actively and consciously making you less, perhaps so he can be comfortable with being less himself.
 
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AutumnalTone & opalescent thank you for your comments.

My husband works 14 hour days and one week a month is on call 24/7. He deals with people in his line of work and by the time he comes home he just wants time alone and to see me before he falls asleep. Maybe that makes him odd.

When we got together we both had life goals we wanted to achieve. Unfortunately both could not happen simultaneously. Mine came second due to money. His goal lasted longer than originally planned and I have felt that this was unfair but not really his fault. He is asking me to hold on a bit longer and I'm not sure I want to continue to put my goals on hold. (Money or no money.)

We do make each other better. I push him to have more fun and open him up to different ideas. He keeps me in the real world. (I tend to be unrealistic.) He reminds me to plan ahead.

"Co-dependent/controlling and demanding"- Yes he is a big baby about things but I still go out. I still had a BF. I try to be mindful of his feelings and understand that he isn't totally comfortable with having less of me. I just didn't know he was having such an issue with the BF till I pushed him about it. I believe most people are dependent on their partner or partners in some way. Unhealthy? Probably. One more reason to keep on with the therapy.

As AutumnalTone says, I have no issue... So I guess I should just say I identify poly and live mono as of a week ago.
 
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