Adrift's Challenge to Herself

Day 11

Today was sluggish. I went to work for a few hours then back to bed lol and slept for a while. But I had a good day lounging on the couch, mostly recovering from yesterday. I had some ugly thoughts on annd off throughout the day about Nancy and Hardy, wondering what they were doing, not thinking about how my libido was screaming at me and feeling unwanted. I struggled a lot with not liking being left home alone. I kept thinking how much I wanted what they were having and how it sucked that they were working on their bond and I'm left in the dust. Blah blah feeding my insecurities blah.

There was a few times I glared at my phone, like that would do me any good.

But the night ended well for me. I went out later with some friends, drank and had a great time laughing and spending time with them. It reminded me of why I needed this time too. I needed to have my time without worrying about who I was leaving behind at home. I forgot how much I did need that. So the brave thing I did, which happened late in the day, was stop indulging my bad fantasies of how they like to hurt me. (I must sound like a crazy person.) Turns out while I was drinking and laughing, I missed a call from my partners. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, even though by the time I got it, it was too late. But it still made me feel wanted and I heard their voices on voicemail so that was something. At least I will see them tomorrow.
 
I didn't call them. I figure that it's their time alone and I shouldn't disturb it and if they want to talk to me they will.

So send them a quick text "Miss you! Hope your having a good time." They can respond if they want or not. You reached out and it may just make them feel good. It's so easy to get into the self deprecating cycle, they may be thinking the same thing you are and then no one talks to anyone.

My husband is one to automatically invite certain people to "go with us" unless I specifically tell him, it's just "us" time. When I finally realized that we wouldn't get any alone time unless I spelled it out for each specific event I did have to remind him, write it on the calendar ("just us"), say do NOT invited anyone else, etc more than once and in more than one way. Don't give up.
 
Turns out while I was drinking and laughing, I missed a call from my partners. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, even though by the time I got it, it was too late. But it still made me feel wanted and I heard their voices on voicemail so that was something. At least I will see them tomorrow.

I love it when that happens. It means you were really spending time being in the moment, with yourself, instead of obsessing about the what-ifs and the dark scenarios. And sometimes its too hard doing that all by yourself, and friends and company can be a big help.
 
Day?? All This Madness

I haven't been keeping up with my postings because things effectively blew up in my household and the fallout carried on for 4 days? Hell, I'm still feeling it.

I went from feeling happy and hopeful about my relationship with Nancy and about our triad to feeling completely hopeless. Right now, in this moment I feel like this relationship isn't going to ever be right for me. I keep asking myself, "What the fuck are you thinking??"

When my partners came home from their trip they were both excited and happy to see me. Part of me was surprised because it had only been 3 days but their excitement over me made me feel good (even if I was a little awkward with so much attention). Nancy kept saying how much she really wanted to hang out with me and have sex with me that I thought, "Ok! This is what I've been looking for! Awesome!"

WARNING: VENTING AHEAD

Then drama. This after already having a stressful work/school week and not being able to have alone time with either of my partners until the weekend. One thing I've continued to struggle with since this triad is how my alone with both of them (especially Hardy) has been darastically reduced. If I'm lucky, I may get one night a week with both of them, otherwise I see them for a grand total of 30 minutes before they go to bed during the week. I feel neglected most of the time but I try to keep my head up about it because the other option is to scream and fight.

Did I mention I'm starting to reach the end of my rope about this? No, ok, I'll get to that.

Lately it seems like when there is a problem, it isn't mine in the sense that it's my conflict, but even when it doesn't involve me I still get the fallout. I get Nancy being passive aggressive to Hardy and I see Hardy withdrawing and there's me with anxiety and general unhappiness.

The problem is, whenever there is drama between Nancy and Hardy, the fallout ALWAYS affects my alone time with Hardy. Nancy and Hardy fight? There goes both nights I was supposed to have alone with Hardy because I stay up one night trying to comfort my crying girlfriend and am exhausted the next day where all Hardy wants to do is sleep or find some form of escape. This also means trying to be a sympathetic shoulder to Nancy while she's unhappy and angry and there goes that time with her too. But it's ok, this is hard on them, I can handle my needs going on the backburner for now. Oh, Nancy can't sleep because of her anxiety and insomnia? Oh that's ok, Hardy will stay up with her until 4 am trying to help her sleep. It just means that the next day where he and I are supposed to spend the day together, I'll be lucky if I have a few hours. But that's ok, because she's going through a rough time. Oh, I ask to sleep in the middle of the bed because I miss sleeping next to Hardy and cue another restless night for Nancy because I've "upset her routine?" That's ok if none of us get any sleep or if it puts everyone in the bad mood for the night. What's that? Nancy and Hardy had drama that didn't really get resolved so while things are uncomfortable for everyone in the house because of hurt feelings, I get to sit up with Nancy as she drinks and rants and raves about the problem all night long when you've been up ass early in the morning? That's ok, you're just trying to be a supportive girlfriend. It's ok if during this conversation what you say backfires and causes a fight between the two of you that while it gets solved quickly, you still have all these ugly feelings you don't know how to deal with about your girlfriend, the woman you wanted to spend your life with.

All this on top of the fact that our schedules rarely sync up and I'm barely home as it is so alone time is incredibly prescious to me.

Can anyone see how I'm not handling things so well right now? I've spent months and months trying to keep my head above the water, not let the bad thoughts get the better of me and try to be happy with "Baby, I know you're not getting your needs met right now because of circumstances out of control and your work/school schedule. But it's going to be ok because we'll have time, we have the rest of our lives together!"

Well, I shouldn't have to wait for tomorrow to come. Not when I've been doing this months. Not when I've put so much effort into doing the right thing and feeling like it only half works half the time.

/vent (exhale, try to breathe)

I have to feel like things don't have to be this hard. Is this what it means to love someone? Swinging back and forth between feeling love and misery? It's so frustrating that because of the way Nancy is and because of the way things are, I have to fight that feeling that goes "I wish it was just me and Hardy. I miss him so much. I hate having to share him when I'm getting the raw end of this deal." Because, if I have these feelings and they never really go away, am I making a mistake? But I don't want to leave because while I love them both, Hardy makes me happy (when we actually get time together.) I love him so deeply and completely that I hate to throw away my relationship with him because I don't know if I can be in a relationship with her. Or if because I want a poly relationship anymore?

I know this is all broken and confusing but I just had to get this out. I've been feeling worn out and crazy because there has been literally 4 days of fallout. When I was sharing the detailed experience with a friend of mine her response to whenever I said "Oh wait, there's more." was "There's MORE? oh dear god."

I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too.

I keep letting him get away with it because I know how stressed he his and how unhappy all this crap makes him. I keept letting it happen because I love him so much that I just want him to be happy. But I can't keep allowing anyone to put me on the backburner anymore (myself most of all.) I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be considered. I deserve my time with my partners. I deserve to have a relationship that fulfils me. And this one isn't doing that right now.

I want to believe that things can get better but I only half heartedly want that. Because right now, I don't have the energy. More and more leaving looks better and better. No feeling neglected, no jealousy, no pain, no feeling unimportant or second best.

Now I feel less like an overblown balloon ready to explode. But something still has to give.
 
Oh yeah, that bravery thing?

I think it's safe to say, bravey went out the window with those last few days I wrote about. So now I have to figure out the best way to get it back. And do it.
 
"I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too."


You know, this sounds to me like you really need to claim your power. You are totally right with what you say above. We all train everyone around us in how to treat us with our every action. That is to say, if you are always nice and accepting, you are training your loved ones that they can walk all over you. It's okay to have boundaries and needs. It's even better than ok to voice them and let the "chips fall where they may." You can tell them about these trends that you recognize and tell them that these trends offend you and are not okay. you can take a stand. You also can do it non-confrontationally and even nicely if you get your energy right first.

The point is not to vomit on them. The point is not to make them feel bad or to insult them to make you feel better. The point is to get back on the same page, get your needs recognized (if not met) and come to a new place of understanding together.

I wish you luck and a calm heart. Let truth guide you...only truth.

WindStar
 
I am with Windstar on this one. I don't think that Hardy choose Nancy over you. It's just that the signals reaching him are always "I am not Ok. Help!" from Nancy, while you try your best to signal him "I am OK. Just go and settle things with her." What would you do in this case? You need to change communication here. He can't possibly read your mind and see "Oh, she is doing her best to keep up with this." So tell him and tell her that this is everything, but not OK long time to keep this up. You need to claim your rights in this relationship(s) as soon as possible. Good luck.
 
I thought I would share some of this article with you, which I just found today:

"How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?

Know that you have a right to personal boundaries. You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it's been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.

Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own. Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands [and/or lovers] are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the healthy functioning of the [relationship] dynamic. If a woman is worn out mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last is not something only women do, but many men as well.

Learn to say no. Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. We don't want to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. Actually, a certain amount of "selfishness" is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.

Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable. Let others know when they've crossed the line, acted inappropriately, or disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are without pressure from others to be anything else. Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren't respected.

Trust and believe in yourself. You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself best. You know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage neediness, or are needy; want to be rescued, or are the rescuer, or when you choose to play the victim."​

There's more, but the above seems to be some stuff you could use, I think. It came from http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html
 
Thank you to everyone who has responded. Your advice has helped me step back from the crazy ledge for a while. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy to really reply. There was drama between me and Hardy that just pushed me right out the door. I'm taking a few days to myself and figure out exactly what I want and what I need. And to see if this relationship fits those things. I will reply later, I swear!
 
I know others have said this already, but I wanted to chime in too and just say that when things are so clearly not ok, you're not doing yourself or either of them any favors by acting like they are. It's one thing to be strong for your partners now and then, but when it gets to the point that it's making you want to leave the relationship, it's way past time to come clean and be clear about what you need.

I'm sure, if they really care about you, that they'd rather at least get the chance to try to make things right than get a series of fake "I'm fine"s before losing you. And if they *don't* want the real you, difficulties and all...... then it's time to go anyway. If you decide you want to keep trying this, I would recommend being completely honest about what's been hard for you, how hard it's been, and what you need in order to be ok.

There are options here, at least there can be if everyone is open to having the hard conversations about how to make things work rather than having things be drama after drama after drama (and no, love is not supposed to be like that). This could be a vee with your bf as the hinge, rather than a triad, since feeling disconnected from your gf has been such a problem for you. And/or someone could move out -- being forced into constant contact could be most of the problem here.

Good luck!!!
 
Update

Wow, I did not mean to leave this blank for so long but truth be told all the drama in my triad has me exhausted. The last time I wrote, I was feeling very ignored and overlooked and at times walked over by my partners. Not a great feeling.

I actually took two days away from them both, after a minor incident between my boyfriend and I just tipped the scales, and stayed with my mom to think about what I wanted. I was at my breaking point. When I came home, we all had a very long talk about how I've been feeling and what I needed to be happy.

The talk ended positively but over all I felt that I had once again given in. So maybe it wasn't so positive. Part of the issue about this has been that my partners, particularly my girlfriend has wanted a baby for a long time. I knew at the beginning of this triad that there were baby plans in the mix and that the plan was to start trying after we'd been together for a year. Now, I'm not generally squeamish about the timeline IF (and that's a big IF) the timing feels right. I'm not that person who feels you need to be in a relationship for a year before you move in together. If you date someone for a week and decide you want to get serious, I say go for it. Sure, if you break up it's going to be hard and ugly later but if it's want you want I say go for it. Deal with what happens later. I know most people don't agree but that's how I am.

And if things were as good as they were in the beginning, I don't think I would have had any doubts. However, my gf wanted this baby so badly that when I mentioned holding off, all she could hear was "never" in her emotional state. So my talk about my needs turned into damage control over when to have a baby and her not believing me when I said I did in fact want a child but that I just questioned the timing. Given that they'd been fighting so frequently that month, I felt justified in my feelings.

So, I gave in, to keep the relationship and didn't push the issue of not having a baby until things had cooled and straightened out between all of us. But I was not entirely happy. It's never really been about the baby anyway. The baby itself doesn't scare me, the idea that my gf and I need so much more work does. Two weeks after this talk, my gf gets pregnant and doesn't understand why I'm not exactly jumping for joy, which is funny to be because we'd just had this big talk about how I felt hesitant about the timing and that it wasn't that I didn't want a child but that I wondered about intelligence of the idea at the time. (Notice the word timing being important here lol).

But, in the end we worked it out and I realized that I love these people so much that I want to make things work and I knew what *I* had to do in order to fix things. This was about controlling myself instead of trying to control others. If I do everything in my power to make things work and it doesn't, then I know what I need to do.

And, once I realized this, I felt infinitely better. I felt happy and excited about the child. I wasn't scared. And for a week things were amazing. My girlfriend was never so happy around me, never so interested and invested in me since the early stages of our relationship. I felt so happy. Like, "FINALLY, I'm getting the interaction with her that I need/want and it feels awesome."

Then some bad things happened. And that went all downhill. When things get bad for Nancy, she turns to Hardy full force and pretty much ignores me. I don't honestly think she does it intentionally but she tends to be self-centered and Hardy is her emotional crutch/beacon, or whatever. She turns to him and depends on him completely for that emotional support where she doesn't depend on me. The last month, there abouts, this is what it's been like. She's pregnant, upset, they have drama, they "Fix" their drama and it's all about them.

What makes me so crazy is she isn't always so him focused. Sometimes, she acts a hint like what she used to be to me. But in general she's going through a lot being pregnant and I'm not unsympathetic to that. But I find that I loose patience when she needs Hardy to be ok and it's only after she's gotten her fill of his attention that she remembers I'm around.

I'm also on my period right now so I've been a moody bitch all damn day. But I need to vent so here I am.

I knew, once she got pregnant, that at times she'd be more focused on Hardy than me. I figured it had much to do with him being a biological factor, the biological parent and contributor where I am not. But more and more I realize that she views him more like her partner because they share the mortgage, the bills, they have "real careers" (while I work a "bullshit" part time job and go to grad school.) Maybe I'm projecting, feel free to kick me in the ass if you see too much self indulgent whining going on .

I also knew that because their relationship is stronger, that they've had more intense bonding moments than she and I that I'd have to be strong through those moments where she has her entire focus on him.

And I'm not speaking out of my ass. I know what poly people say about comparison, but when you watch your partner's body language and notice that it's entirely directed at another person, never at you, that you never get the same or even type of physical affection your other partner does...how can I not notice these differences?

So I figured I'd have to fight a little harder, put a little bit more work into this relationship to make it work. And usually, if I'm proactive or even aggressive in reaching out to her, she responds. But lately, not so much.

I try to get her to talk, I get one word answers. I try to comfort her physically and she cringes away. I try to support her and take care of her, but she'll run to Hardy the first chance she gets and spill her guts to him. She'll cuddle up to him and cry on him and let him in. Only after that point when she's calmed down and he's given her sufficient attention does she seem to notice and want my affection then. But by that point I'm so fucking sick and frustrated that I don't even want to be around her.

If I keep trying and it doesn't work, what does that make me?

Most of this may be stupid or whatever. I feel like I'm losing my mind half the time. But I know I'm not crazy when I notice the difference between the way Nancy interacts with me than when she interacts with Hardy. I knew she felt distant before because she never believed I wanted to have the baby. But once we put that behind us and she really understood where I was coming from about it and knew I genuinely did want a child and a family with her, I thought we'd get better. I thought this shit would stop happening. But the bad thing happened and now I'm an afterthought, AGAIN!

And maybe it's the period talking but right now I'm so fucking unhappy. I deserve to be happy! I know I do and I hate that one end of the spectrum can be so good while the other can be so stupid. Hardy and I, I feel, have worked through most of our issues and are moving toward a much better place. When it's just me and him, I feel so happy. But when it's the three of us I feel out of place. And I feel so crazy when Nancy actually notices me, because when she does, I can see that she has true feelings for me. That she does love me. What I can't understand is why things are like this.

I try to look honestly at my behavior and I can see what I do to make things worse. I withdraw when I feel like she does. I probably misinterpret her moods at times and think she doesn't want me. But I do ask when I feel weird if something is up. I don't usually get very far with her. But I try to take her word for it. But then I just end up feeling crazy, like it's all in my head.

But I know it's not.

I hate this. I just want to be happy. And more and more I wonder if it's going to be a poly relationship like this. Maybe I'm not strong enough to be in a triad. Maybe it really is just too unstable like everyone says. Maybe all triads are bound to turn into Vee's because of their nature.

None of this is very brave and I'm trying to not feel ashamed of myself for these feelings.
 
A sorta side note?

More and more I'm finding that I want to live on my own. I love having a home with a partner and sharing a bed at night with someone I love. But lately I just want my own space. Getting my own place isn't an option at this point because I can't afford it. If I didn't live with my current partners, I'd have to live with my mom until I finished school. I can pretty much take care of my personal bills, I don't have the money for rent.

I'm sure this has a lot do with my current relationship drama. But I'm also feeling the need for more personal time. I think much of it has to do with the fact that I've never really lived on my own. I lived in college dorms until I met Hardy and then I pretty much moved in with him. Almost a decade later, here we are. Maybe it's the stress of living in a triad and not always wanted your partners lovey dovey interaction in your face all the time. (or the ever present reminders of how much sex they are having.)

Just wanted to get that out there. I really wish I had my own place to go to, to get a breath of fresh air. It would be so nice.
 
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