Husband want me to chose between him and my bf

Hoyam

New member
Well, trying polyamory since 8-10 months, we have been going downwards till the point where my husband (mono) says he want me to chose between him and me boyfriend. I think what was most diffecult was the holliday i had with the bf a month ago. After that i felt like it was only negative, couldn't find positive point with my husband.
In my opinion we have both made mistakes, for people new in poly. I see chances to improve, but he has said to me that he gives me as much time as i need to decide, but that he has closed the door of poly. The last week was terrible for all 3. I realy feel i cannot chose between different kind of love. I feel like i will lose either way. Or my husband, father of our 3 children, my basic, my life (family friends, dreams of the future). Or my boyfriend, who makes me feel alive, who is the kind of love that works addictive, who gives me a passionate kind of love... I am torn! Not only losing one of them but also losing one part of myself.
I realy don't know what to do. I asked my husband to consider new options and while he does that i will prove i can balance more. Since monday (when he told me), i practise that. Also i am so happy that he is willing to go to couples counseling. I found a man who is skilled, who is known with poly and he is able to start next friday!
This gives me hope for finding good results, whatever the good answer will be. I have no idea.
If anyone has good advice, please, cause i don't know what to do!
 
Hoyam

I guess it is good you found a therapist that you are comfortable with but I have read your previous posts and it appears you came to poly by accident and it was not something that your husband was totally on board with from the beginning. More like he went along to make you happy. I am not sure if your therapy is going to fix that.
The simple fact is that most people, male and female, are not going to be able to adjust to their partner developing not only outside sexual partners but also deep emotional bonds with others unless the idea is totally mutual.Your husband has had eight months to deal with this and it appears he is not one of these people, and I do not think the therapy is going to change that. It seems you are pulling out all stops to try to convince him how great poly is because you are so happy with your new boyfriend.
He may be able to handle the outside sex part, but my guess is what is bothering him the most is sharing you completely for weekends, holidays, etc.
I am sure i may get slammed on this board for questioning that everyone can be comfortable with "compersion", but so be it. Between three kids and all of life's pressures he may want a full time wife. I went through this when my wife decided she wanted outside sexual interactions. I had no problem handing the sex part, and when we started in the "swinging" lifestyle there were no problems at all. She got to act on all her sexual fantasies as long as we stuck with out pre-negotiated boundaries and rules. Then she decide she needed the excitement of the "chase" and behaving as a single person and I found myself with a part time wife. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her it was back to swinging or monogamy or divorce.
I think you would be crazy to dissolve your marraige over this boyfriend, especially if your husband would agree to let you see others if you want to without all the committment to them, but only you can make the decision. It seems he has already made his.
Good luck in therapy.
 
Hoyam

Just as I expected you got some advice telling you to tell your husband it is my way or the highway and it is your problem buddy. Before you do that I'd make sure you will wind up with your boyfriend or you may find yourself alone and without your kids around.
Good luck
 
Jeez, friskyone4u. Couple-centric much?

Not kowtowing a partner's ultimatum and helping them work through their issues and fears in therapy and in partnership with each other is not the same as saying "my way or the highway." Duh.

When you open up a marriage, you have to remember there are other people's hearts and feelings involved. You can't unring a bell.
 
65854822 40

I agree totally with frisky.

Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships. I definitely wouldn't suggest the childish "This is your problem not mine, NYAH!" approach. It's still possible to keep both relationship from this, but it will take a lighter hand. Outright refusal of your husband's demands will make him resist more or straight-out divorce you.

Sometimes the exertion of control helps a partner feel like they HAVE control. If your husband feels comfortable that he is your primary, you might notice this problem fix itself. Counseling might help a lot with that, it might not. Being resistant and forcing your husband on his ultimatum, that's definitely not going to help unless you want him to walk away.
 
Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships.

Poly is not swinging. I suggest you do a search for "couple privilege" here and on other poly sites.

When someone in a committed partnership has other relationships, why consider them "outside" or a threat to the first existing partnership? That attitude means that anyone else who gets involved with someone in an already-existing relationship is less important and less deserving of respect and consideration. Yecch! The "Couple Plus Another" stance sucks because it is mean, selfish, and arrogant. "Right thinking" - really? Egad.
 
Last edited:
I've made it clear ti both that I will not choose between either and the one ti give any ultimatums will be the one who chooses to leave. Neither my husband or boyfriend have priority over the other. I won't treat I ne like shit to passify the other
 
LONG before poly was EVER a part of my life;
I made it clear to all of my friends and family that if someone has the audacity to write a hard limit in MY life about who I have in my life-they will be the one to exit stage left.

It's TOTALLY ok for someone to say "I love you but I don't want to see/spend time with/associate with xyz".
it is NOT acceptable for them to tell me who I can or can't socialize with.

That said;
If my spouse said to me "this relationship is a problem" I would take some serious time to sit with myself (not with either partner) over the topic.
Because my spice know me and if they think I'm head over heels for someone that isn't healthy for me-they may be right. They also may be wrong-but it's definitely worth serious consideration.

But-I don't do ultimatums in regards to my relationships. I love. We can negotiate time, we can negotiate location. We can not negotiate my heart.
 
I agree totally with frisky.

Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships. I definitely wouldn't suggest the childish "This is your problem not mine, NYAH!" approach. It's still possible to keep both relationship from this, but it will take a lighter hand. Outright refusal of your husband's demands will make him resist more or straight-out divorce you.

Sometimes the exertion of control helps a partner feel like they HAVE control. If your husband feels comfortable that he is your primary, you might notice this problem fix itself. Counseling might help a lot with that, it might not. Being resistant and forcing your husband on his ultimatum, that's definitely not going to help unless you want him to walk away.

Acquiescing to her husband's ultimatum will not fix the issue and is only likely to drive them even further apart. Run this scenario: she cuts all contact with boyfriend. She is sad. Maybe she can't hide her sadness. So he has what he thinks he wants, but still feels rejected. He becomes even more resentful. Say she can hide her sadness. Not being able to be honest, hiding feelings, the marriage becomes a total sham. She withdraws and becomes resentful.

It would be totally understandable if the husband stated that he had tried and could not do poly, so he was bowing out. But he will gain nothing by coercion.
 
Last edited:
You are doing what you can do. Could focus on this work:

I asked my husband to consider new options and while he does that i will prove i can balance more. Since monday (when he told me), i practise that. Also i am so happy that he is willing to go to couples counseling.

and not focus on "losing people" and paralyzing self. Can you list what unbalanced behavior you were doing that led to unhappy? Can you list what balanced behavior you will replace it with?

It will turn out how it does in the end. But if you are doing the work of bringing more balance to what was skewed now that he's made you aware, perhaps then husband can feel less poly hell about it if he was feeling those kinds of things.

It sounds like he's willing to work with you here on change -- he just doesn't want more of same where his needs were not being met. Can you articulate his needs back to him and he agrees that you "got it?"

What makes you feel "alive" and "passionate" with husband? Just cuz you are married doesn't mean those aspects are lost to you in that relationship. If you both have not been tending that, could do it now.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Acquiescing to her husband's ultimatum will not fix the issue and is only likely to drive them even further apart. Run this scenario: she cuts all contact with boyfriend. She is sad. Maybe she can't hide her sadness. So he has what he thinks he wants, but still feels rejected. He becomes even more resentful. Say she can hide her sadness. Not being able to be honest, hiding feelings, the marriage becomes a total sham. She withdraws and becomes resentful.

It would be totally understandable if the husband stated that he had tried and could not do poly, so he was bowing out. But he will gain nothing by coercion.

Absolutely, and that's where compromise comes into play.

Based on Hoyam's previous posts on other threads, I get a very clear sense that she was much more comfortable with being poly than her husband was. I understand the sentiment... my wife was apprehensive about becoming poly. Fortunately for us, we are in a mostly closed cohabitative triad, so we had no choice but to communicate. In a very short time, my wife and Freckles became as close to each other as I am to them. Just tonight I came home from work to find them snuggled up on the couch watching a movie together.

While I'm sure that we don't have the full story, based on what we have I see a husband that was remarkably tolerant to Hoyam's foray into polydom despite having misgivings. He gave it a six month go and decided he is no longer comfortable with it.

The following really sucks, but it IS the harsh reality...

In the case of a long time husband who was lukewarm about being poly to begin with, I would make that relationship the priority. He did something he wasn't comfortable with to make you happy, it didn't work out. If you are unable to find a middle ground and he IS willing to follow through on his threats, you will be crucified by your family and friends and his family and friends. Anyone who doesn't understand our lifestyle will see you as the woman who found a boyfriend and broke up her marriage and upended her kids lives for a new boytoy. Your husband will never be seen as anything but a victim.

In a perfect world, we can live our lives without caring what others think of us, but our world is far from perfect.

Would I be able to follow my own advice?

Jesus... the only thing I can hope is I never have to answer that. Curls and Freckles are my world. I can't see any scenario where things can go that bad, and I hope that I never do. However, I have been married to Curls for fifteen years and we have three daughters. If she told me tomorrow that I had to choose, I would choose her. It would be a horrific decision to make and I would never completely forgive her for putting me in such a position, but we have kids together and we have a very long history together whereas my history with Freckles is comparatively short. I recognize that as our relationship grows and matures, things will become more muddy in this respect, but for right now I would make the hard decision to switch things back to the way they were.

I'm so sorry you are in the position, and I hope that you can pull things through.
 
Husband has had enough. Simple. Make your choice.
 
Is the boyfriend a "boy toy"? I've only been with Sam for 6 weeks but he's no boy toy to me. Hes someone I love who doesn't deserve to be dumped on my husband's whim.
 
Maybe not. But when you open a relationship and someone isn't happy, they can absolutely ask for their relationship to return to how it was or terminate. OP starting a relationship when her existing partner isn't fully on board was her mistake. Consequently, she has to deal with this fallout.
 
Is the boyfriend a "boy toy"? I've only been with Sam for 6 weeks but he's no boy toy to me. Hes someone I love who doesn't deserve to be dumped on my husband's whim.

Wow...

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this perspective - but, in my personal timeline, 6 weeks is...well, a blink of the eye. At the six week mark, I would barely consider myself to have truly "met" someone - let alone be in a relationship.:D Whenever Dude would be befuddled about not understanding some aspect of me, I would respond with..."Of course you don't know me that well yet, we have only been together for a minute." Just last week I admitted that we had been together for longer than "a minute" (it will be three years in April - and he has been living with us full time for most of that).

To be fair - I am really VERY guarded with my emotions. I was practically living with MrS (sleeping with him and spending the majority of my time and nights with him) for 6 months before I finally admitted that he was my "boyfriend" (took me 18 mos to finally tell him that I "loved" him). (Dude cut those times about in half, after all I've had twice as much practice:eek:)

That being said - NO ONE deserved to have their heart yanked about on someone's "whim"...

JaneQ

PS. My timeframe is definitely skewed - since, for me, the "real" relationship doesn't even start until the NRE has worn off...before that it is just a "crush" (or infatuation)...
 
Last edited:
Thanks for all the opinions. There seems to be people who just don't accept the forcing of chosing and people who understand.
Me, i understand his opinion. He tried, didn't succeed, loves me as i was before and wants that back. And, as some people write: he was there before, i share a life, family, children, finances, everything with him. From a distance i would advice myself to stop while my husband is still there and make the best of it. If this was about somebody else my answer would be easy.
But... It is about me, my feelings, my heart, my life. And i have given that advice to myself before but it is too painful. Losing my new found life, the sweet new boyfriend, the woman i am when i am with that other man, even the new wife i have became with my husband. It is like a picture where u have to search for something and u don't find it. After a while, when you see it, you cannot not-see-it anymore. Once you see it it is just there. This is the same for me. I cannot go back as if i don't have these feelings. As somebody wrote before: even if i would stop seeing my boyfriend, my feelings for him and the fact that i cannot have that would be in between my husband and i.

Somebody asked what was out of balance and what i try to do different now: it has mostly to do with focus. Texting with boyfriend while husband was there, having too much evenings with the boyfriend instead of him, spending much money on the other (other continent, so phonecalls instead of waiting for him to come to skype etc). My husband wants to feel i am realy with him.

Somebody talked about stopping with the boyfriend and opening the mariage for sex. Well, that is not what i want. I want this boyfriend cause i love him deeply. It is more than sex, much more. So, i have no clue if my husband would be willing to open the mariage for sex with others, but since that is not my need, i have no need to discus this with him.

Anyhow, my husband says he wants counseling, but he is clear he doesn't want to give me false hope. He says poly is not his thing, right now.
In the mean time my boyfriend (who doesn't want to be the cause of a divorce) says he is keeping distance. And me, i am so frustrated, hurt and angry that everybody seems to decide for me, instead of with me. Yes, i have tried this poly thing, yes it was mostly because it involved my feelings (they are both mono). That might sound selfish. But one thing, i was always honest. And honesty is not always the most easy path. Honesty is diffecult sometimes, but i never was weak, always i was honest. And the fact that first my husband comes to me with the announcement: i wanted to tell u i decided a while ago i want a divorce, but i want to give you the opportunity to chose. And almost a week later my boyfriend announces: i don't want to cause a divorce, so without telling you i have made plans to take my distance from you.
I am so upset that i lost control, everybody is doing their own thing instead of together. I feel like: who am i kidding? Every relationship, mono or poly, needs honesty and i feel like at this moment i don't get it from both of them. Yes i understand that this is such a diffecult time for them. I understand cause it is just as diffecult for me!

Wauw, poly is not as easy as it sounds for an outsider!
 
They're both being honest, you're simply resentful because it doesn't suit you. It's both understandable and reasonable that this poly experience has shown you that polyamory makes you happier and monogamy makes your husband happier. That might be the case even when you rectify your mistakes. That isn't anyone's fault.
 
Tnx london, maybe you are right. Maybe it is honest but it is just not what i want to hear from them. And that frustrates me a lot.

What i find diffecult is that ofcourse both have right to make choices. But i feel like it is not as much a choice they are telling me, but a way to force me into a certain direction.
Also, both of them made promisses that are gone by these choices. So even though it is not their intention, it does feel a little unfair, as a lie.
For example my husband promised me i could build on both our relationship as the relationship with my boyfriend. I told him often not to let me go this far with my emotions if he didn't intent on letting me build with the boyfriend too. He said i could do that, even go to be with him for a week. Now, after, i feel like he had hope that i would come back, convinced i should be with only him. He said always he would never put me in the point of forcing to chose. But he does.

For example my boyfriend: he said that he thinks of this situation as a boat. If one of us falls out or is in diffeculties the other 2 should give their hands to help the other one. Now, we are in diffeculties, his solution is to go away. I believe he does still love me, so i don't understand why he thinks stepping out of the boat is the best solution. That was not as he promised before.

And know, there are never garantees in life. And that frustrates me the most. I just wish i could be a loving mother and wife in my family and am able to enjoy the love i get and give to another sweet beautiful kind of love with my new found love.
 
Wow...

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this perspective - but, in my personal timeline, 6 weeks is...well, a blink of the eye. At the six week mark, I would barely consider myself to have truly "met" someone - let alone be in a relationship.:D Whenever Dude would be befuddled about not understanding some aspect of me, I would respond with..."Of course you don't know me that well yet, we have only been together for a minute." Just last week I admitted that we had been together for longer than "a minute" (it will be three years in April - and he has been living with us full time for most of that).

To be fair - I am really VERY guarded with my emotions. I was practically living with MrS (sleeping with him and spending the majority of my time and nights with him) for 6 months before I finally admitted that he was my "boyfriend" (took me 18 mos to finally tell him that I "loved" him). (Dude cut those times about in half, after all I've had twice as much practice:eek:)

That being said - NO ONE deserved to have their heart yanked about on someone's "whim"...

JaneQ

PS. My timeframe is definitely skewed - since, for me, the "real" relationship doesn't even start until the NRE has worn off...before that it is just a "crush" (or infatuation)...

Well I've known him for a couple years and our 6 weeks together has been very close and intense. We've spent every long weekend to together this whole time while nate was away in a medical study. So to me it feels more like several months
 
Back
Top