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Old 02-17-2010, 08:31 PM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Red face Marriage in the Poly Context... Sharing and Seeking Advice

Preface: I'm new to the forum, and minimally internet-proficient. I looked at the other threads with 'marriage' tagged, and didn't find quite what I was looking for. If there's other threads around here on this topic, please by all means refer me. Thanks! ALSO, I'm wordy as hell, because there's a lot of context to explain why I'm asking... I hope that's not too much of a bother.

Here's my big question: If it's applicable to your relationship situation, I'm curious how a legal marriage impacts the larger 'formation'. Is there anything you're doing, big or small, that keeps that dynamic functional?

My context: My partner K and I (our relationship has always been a poly one) were just getting engaged a year ago when Z and I began dating. It quickly became clear to us all that we made sense as a V relationship, and so that's how we're functioning... and K and I are still planning to become legally married this coming fall.

For K & I, getting married makes a lot of legal and emotional sense. Before Z came into the picture, I always pictured K & I as a hub that others could join onto, into whatever 'formation' made good sense. We're also keenly aware of the legal benefits marriage provides, and we plan on using them to bolster our defenses against outside issues. (For example, I don't think any of our parents would ever contest custody of the children we'd like to have, but in the U.S. it's apparently not a risk to ignore.)

Z has known about all of this since before we started dating. He hadn't ever considered trying poly before getting involved with me, so this is new emotional territory for him. There have been bumpy patches, but we're all committed to working through them.

In our little vee, we've already found some answers that work for us. At the wedding, Z will be the best man, and he's having a collar custom-made to match my wedding dress! Z and I are also talking about having our own (non-legal, sadly) wedding in a couple of years, at which point we'll tie down a lawyer until we can afford Z as many marriage protections as we possibly can. (In Massachusetts, we should do pretty well.) We've also tentatively agreed that Z will have biological paternity, at least of our first child.

... Anyone else tackling this sort of thing?

"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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