NRE monstrosities
So, it appears I have turned into an NRE monster.
The weekend was spent fighting, mostly. First Cookie and Vanilla had a massive two-hour fight, and I had a panic attack. I've come to realize I shy away from conflicts, which isn't necessarily the best pattern to have when you're poly. They slept in separate beds and I literally felt torn apart, having to choose with whom to sleep. I even contemplated getting the one-person camp bed out to circumvent the whole issue.
It was a good fight, though, although Vanilla is still really hurt and kinda pissed off that Cookie hasn't apologized even though she said she was hurt by what he said. They agreed to be metamours from now on. Metamours who cuddle and occasionally sleep together, that is. So we're in a tree now, I guess. Or a vead. Not a triad but not exactly a vee either.
Vanilla was upset because although in theory, she was supposed to be Cookie's gf too, all the affection and the attention from him was flowing solely in my direction. When they talked about it previously, Cookie said that he wanted to be partners, not metamours. Turns out he was only saying that because he thought that if he only dated me, that would create a drift between me and Vanilla.
So, after the catastrophic Friday night, things were quickly looking up for our polycircle. We went to a house party together all three of us. After the party we were supposed to go with Vanilla to another party downtown. After we came home from party number one, Vanilla confessed she would like to sleep with Cookie. It didn't happen, thanks to the beers Cookie had consumed earlier that night, but I sort of was left with the impression that Vanilla wanted to continue hanging out with him too. What I did was locate my desire to continue hanging out with him in Vanilla, to make it okay for him to come to the party number two with us. So when he invited himself to the party number two, I was more than happy to oblige.
So, to the party we went, and I had a lovely time with Cookie. We had been in the club for about an hour when I started wondering why Vanilla was taking so long outside having her cigarette. I looked for her in the club in vain, and then asked her friend if she had seen Vanilla. "She went home". WHAT?!?
An angry text/phone fight ensued. I resent people pulling histrionics instead of coming up front to tell what's eating at them. Vanilla maintains she's happy that she did it, since it was the only way to get my attention, because according to her, I spent the entire night lost in Cookie's throat anyway. I guess she was right, although I did try to involve her. I've talked before how she should signal the exact moment when she feels neglected, so I can learn what I'm doing wrong and start paying more attention to her in tangible ways she can see and appreciate. She thinks she shouldn't have to beg for my attention if we are supposed to be together anyway.
Vanilla left the party because she was feeling physically sick because of all the jealousy and neglect, and my shouting didn't improve matters
. She feels that throughout this month, she's constantly been asking us to slow things down, for me to pay attention to her, for us to have more time alone, for Cookie not to start moving into our place, and none of the talking has had any effect one my behaviour. I act really impulsively and move things along fast on the best of days, and especially so when I'm falling for someone. So I'm an NRE demon, and can't handle it.
I've suggested before we stop seeing Cookie together and I only hang out with him when Vanilla's unavailable. She doesn't want that because she holds Cookie dear and enjoys time spent among the three of us. However, their connection is not strong enough for her to want date time with him alone. She feels it's unfair that because I can't stop being an arse and neglecting her, nobody gets to have threesome time (not in the way of sex but in general hanging-out-together way).
We've tried to hatch a game plan for us to move along from this point.
1. We calm things down for now, which means no time between the three of us at least until we come back from a holiday we've been waiting for a really long time.
2. Both get to have two dates per week with their guys: one night a week I go to Cookie's and Pistachio comes over at our place, the second night Cookie comes over and Vanilla sleeps at Chio's. One night a week (during the weekend, most likely) Cookie comes over to our place and we hang out all together.
3. We make specific agreements over which functions we shall attend all three together and which are just for Vanilla and me. Vanilla's said I don't keep to these agreements and I think I either simply forget or maybe want to forget what was agreed to before. So I hope these will be really specific in the future.
4. I also hope Vanilla will start pointing out to me when I'm out of line. She feels this is unfair for her, but I hope she would be willing to do it for as long as I get out of this crazy NRE muddle.