Good times

rant

*rant*

How can you tell it's night time & the mods all live in North America so are asleep?????

You sign on to a FULL page of spam!

Any way, needed to vent my frustration about that, lol.

Yes, I realize mods need sleep. This isn't about that. It's about the spammers out there who, for some warped reason, think I (any of us really) want yet another dating site, drugs, porn, pay for visiting sites, etc.

Some of us are very happy with the way our lives are, we don't need to make those kind of changes.

*sigh*

*/rant*
 
There's a conversation going on in one of the other threads about commitment to a plan. Plan of action, plan of what to have for supper, what movie to see, when to get together......

That's the one MAJOR thing that drives me bonkers about Possibility and his family! I try to make plans for things like get togethers so we're not doing things on the fly and unprepared. I know that I'm dealing with learning disabilities, ADD & ADHD with his family but when they can't answer a simple message on face book? I can't depend on him to pass on the message since his short term memory is nearly non-existent. I try to communicate with the wife, whom I do like, but she only says something when she knows he's having a bad day & needs a friend to vent to *sigh*.

I've been trying to get an idea of when we can have another family get together. We've got a stat holiday coming up on 21 February which seems like the perfect time to do it since I'll have the time to do some preparation, cooking, planning, etc. & all but Breathes will have the day off. My attempts at communication are falling on deaf ears/blind eyes :('. I'll send a message with Breathes tomorrow night, if there's still no response I'll just write it off.

Possibility has been uncentered & out of focus for the last little while. We haven't been able to get much alone time together due to my teens over the holidays and Breathes staying home from his second job two weeks running. We FINALLY got some time on Tuesday night. He got the caning, and catharsis, he's been needing so badly. In his post Wednesday he said he felt ALIVE again! His thought processes, energy, creativity were all back up where they should be. I'm so glad! I don't know how to deal with him when he's slumping. It's a learning process and I'm definitely learning, lol.

We just need to figure out a way to give him that endorphin rush on a lower level. He needs something slow releasing and long term to help keep himself focused on what he needs to focus on. He IS on Adderal which does help, just not to the extent I need it to, lol. As if it's all about me.....He wants to find a way to keep himself on a more even keel as well so we'll just keep searching. Eventually we'll find something that works to the satisfaction of all involved.

Breathes is just as attentive and loving as always although he's needing some alone time badly so I'm thinking I'll do something Sunday so he can do whatever it is he does (probably sleep) to re-center and come out of his own rut.

I think today's coffee meet with new people helped. It was supposed to be for ME to make new friends, unfortunately they're RPG geeks so I ended up sitting there totally out of my element & bored nearly to tears because I SO am not a gamer. Why is it that when I meet new people they're the people who most fit with Breathes?

I'm a geek in my own right but about totally different things. Talk to me about books, my forums, trivia, I'm all ears & can follow along with the conversation. Start talking gaming & my eyes glaze over & I lose all concentration and interest in what's going on around me. I just want to escape into the stratosphere so I can hopefully meet people that I have something in common with *sigh*.

At least these people actually showed for the date AND communicated with me when I asked if it was still on.

I've set up two dates, with the same person, over the last six weeks & she didn't show for either one. She emailed me about getting together & I let her know which nights I wasn't available. Which night did she choose? One of the two I can't. I'm sorry but my kids come first & Wednesday night is OUR night together to catch up with each other, get home work help, talk, spend time together. This was two weeks ago. She still hasn't come back to me with another time.

Several months ago I was supposed to get together with a couple from this forum, at least I assume their still members. We had a date, time and place set but one of them got sick. These things happen so we emailed back and forth and had a location but no date & time. I haven't heard back from them so that didn't happen either.

My track record with meet & greets rather sucks, lol.

I'll keep plugging away but it really would be nice if once, just once, I could meet someone who's reliable AND has something in common with me AND will include me in the conversation if Breathes is along.

Maybe next time I should just make it a one on one date. While I do do one on one first dates I'm much more comfortable having someone else along. My first impressions, especially over something as unreliable & hard to gauge as the written word, aren't always any where near the actuality.
 
Every single person in our family is ADD except for Mimi. If we didn't schedule, plan and use a calendar-we'd never get anything done.
 
Every single person in our family is ADD except for Mimi. If we didn't schedule, plan and use a calendar-we'd never get anything done.

YES! I've been using Google calendar forever! Breathes can't be bothered as he just tells people to contact the keeper of the chaos--me, lol.

I'm trying, rather unsuccessfully, to get Possibility's family using one for something other than doctor appointments I know his memory sucks, as do his priorities! His partners can't respond to an email, grrrrrrrrrr. Apparently our get together isn't going to happen either :(. Some how I think it's because of lack of communication, memory failure and NO FREAKING CALENDAR!

I was chatting with Possibility on my way home from work yesterday (I AM going to drown my phone btw!) and apparently his male partner got his nose bent out of joint because he was here Monday for a couple of hours in the morning. I had the day off & asked if he would like to get together. Apparently he asked male partner if he minded being alone with the kids for a couple of hours & was told that was fine.

Possibility was going to come here any way because he doesn't want to give in to partner's being a 'whiny bitch'. I nixed that, told him primary relationships ALWAYS come first, to go home & see what was really going on (I used other wording, lol. "See who shit in his cornflakes" is a phrase that comes to mind)

It was a long, painful conversation but needed to happen. I feel he's taking his partners for granted, they do too judging by some of what I"ve been getting via chat. I finally ended up telling him that he needs to have a date night with EACH of his partners, not just me. He's not accepting all the blame, I'm not sure that he should. He told me it's not JUST him, they're not doing anything about it either. Money's tight for them but, he doesn't know it yet, I bought him a Cineplex/Odeon gift certificate for his birthday. I'm hoping he'll use it to take one, or both, of them for a date!

They each have their own computers in different rooms so rarely, other than meal times, spend time in the same room together.

I have half jokingly told him that he spends more quality time with me, for a couple of hours a week, than he does with them and he LIVES with them!

I offered, again (they never took me up on this last time) to babysit so they could all go out together! It sounds like he's got something in the works now *crossing fingers* because he asked me if I could babysit on the 20th.

I was a little surprised as that is the date we've asked for a 'family' get together. I tried to clarify but my phone died! grrrrrrrrrrrrr by the time I got to my computer, about ten minutes later, he was already off on another tangent *sigh*. I did email him and tell him the restrictions for that day though--it's a work night and, since I depend on transit, I would either need a ride home or have to be out of there by 5:30 so I can get home.

Off to work. IT seems I've got another rant building up so I might be able to get to it tonight or in the morning.
 
OK, so not quite as soon as I'd hoped......

After I finished texting with Possibility I got to thinking (dangerous, I know ;) ). Male partner left this morning and will be gone for a few days so he was most certainly not happy about having to leave. Apparently he apologized to Possibility when he got home that night. I guess he had realized just how he really sounded? (MP will be the male partner as it's too confusing to keep typing he, not to mention redundant) .

I know money's tight for them so they are going to have to use their imaginations to find/do things which are inexpensive or free! They are most definitely not the athletic/sporty types so sledding/tobogganing are definitely OUT of the question, lol.

I finally, FINALLY, managed to get my point across about a family get together for the 20th so Possibility changed the babysitting date to the 27th. For some reason it took me getting totally upset to get it into Possibility's brain what I was really asking! grrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm thinking that this time, when we're all together on the 20th, we'll set a tentative date for the next time. Our next holiday is Easter so maybe that weekend.

Yes, we most definitely need to work on our communication skills! I've gotten so used to how Breathes & I communicate that I'm having to learn new communication skills in order to get my point across to those who don't 'talk' in the same way that we do. It's tough though as most of the communication between Possibility & myself is done via IM/text. You'd think that would make it easier though, wouldn't you? Not so, at least not in this case. His short term memory is random at best. His mind is going a 1000 miles a minute and can rarely stay on one topic for more than a couple of minutes.

My thoughts are generally rather organized so that I know the next step in the process. Learning how to communicate with someone who's thoughts are all random and jumping all over the place is certainly an exercise in patience! In most circumstances I'm fairly patient. It seems I'm learning how to be patient in the face of ?futility? ?randomness? I'm not sure what the word I'm really looking for is. It's something I can't control no matter how much I want to, not matter how frustrated or upset I get with him. There are certain instances where I can slow his thought process & accompanying hyperactivity down to a level where I can cope. (He's submissive so doing certain things to his person will slow those processes to a speed I can handle.)

Hmmmmmmmmmm, for those of you who live with, or date, a person with ADHD how do you cope? What mechanisms have you devised for yourself in order to be able to stay in the same space with them even though their fidgeting gets on your nerves? I've got the constant reminders, especially when it's something new being added to the routine, repeating myself many times (I HATE repeating myself in ordinary circumstances), asking to make sure I've understood him correctly, repeating back the phrase I'm replying to if it isn't the one he has just uttered, tunnel vision on something other than the fidgeting. I do all of this with some degree of success but I'm looking to add more mechanisms for variety and maybe more success or maybe something which works better than what I'm already doing.

Enough for now. I think my brain has finally wound down now, lol.
 
Good food, good friends, good movie.

Does anyone need more?

We had our get together yesterday!

I didn't think I'd be able to go :(. I had a debilitating headache which just wouldn't let up or quit. It seems it finally ran its course & left the building some time yesterday afternoon :). I heavily medicated myself and went about business as usual knowing that when I get busy I tend to forget about the headache for a while which gives me the break I need from it.

We went, we talked and teased, watched Cutthroat Island, we ate....all that was really asked was that we be gone by 9 as Possibility had something he wanted/needed to do then. We left about 8:30.

Breathes and I each had some alone downtime before coming back together around 10:00 to watch True Blood.

Some cuddle/tickle/play time with Breathes afterward led to some wonderful sex! (Twice in 24 hours! I may faint!)

Woke up headache free! YAY!!!
 
Originally by redpepper:
It doesn't take long on this forum to find threads where I have struggled with casual sex since then. Do a tag search on the topic and you will see in about two seconds my fight with it... I damaged myself by believing that the sex was just fun and meaningless when really I subconsciously took it very seriously. My body took it seriously.

It was Mono that brought this change about when we first met (my now live in boyfriend). I did the work, and continue to, but he pointed something out to me in myself that I had not known for a long time. This was something that PN (husband) was not aware of and had not noticed or was not telling me... that is that I am worth more to others when I am me first and not a body to fuck.

I gave myself away to men that did not respect me. They used my body as a place to stick their cock and didn't even know the beauty I am inside as a person... they got off and took a bit of my soul every time... until I gave myself away freely and didn't really care that much as long as I got attention and felt falsely beautiful until they orgasmed

I brought this over here because it rings SO true to who I was in my late teens and twenties! I was having sex with just about anyone who would have me. I thought it was because sex was fun. Sex WAS fun, BUT that was only a by-product. The real reason was because I was desperately unhappy with myself, my life, where I was in my life and who I was.

My self esteem was at an all time low (it has since found even lower lows but I'm recovered now). I was married to a man who was mentally ill although I didn't see it at the time. Only time and distance have allowed me to see just HOW ill he really was. He was in jail & I was renting a room. I was fresh out of high school and still friends with some of the people from school.

I pretty much had a revolving door policy :(

It's not a time of my life I like to remember very much :(.

At that time sex, for me, was tied in to how I felt about myself. It didn't matter what others thought as long as I was feeling good *sigh*.

It has been very long, hard road to get where I am today. I proud of myself though. I did the work, still am really, to feel better about myself. I let the inner me shine through because it's who I REALLY am, not that silly girl who felt so bad about herself that she would let others do to it what they wanted as long as it made her feel good.

Time for work.
 
Some days I just want to bitch slap someone!

Possibility has had a problem with being depressed for the last several months :(. He would bounce back for a few days and then be right back into the funk again. Yesterday I finally told him it was time to see the doctor about it. I didn't know it at the time but he's got a doc appointment on Monday some time to get started on dealing with this.

I didn't tell him my reasoning behind WHY I thought he needed the help though. I'm getting to the point where HIS depression is affecting my mood, even through chat. I enjoy being there for people but this has gotten beyond the place where just talking about it makes you feel better. It's gotten to the point where he's very nearly physically ill just THINKING about going in to work the next day, he's extremely moody with the moods rarely being happy. In short he's not a very nice person to be around right now.

*sigh* I guess I miss him. I just hope he can get things back on a more even keel sooner rather than later.

Even the D/s has been put on the back burner for now. I enjoy playing with him as much as he enjoys it but with his moods leaning more and more to the dark side it's just not a good idea until he can get this dealt with by a professional. About all we do together now is watch TV and movies :(, not much cuddling, no sex (not that there has ever been a lot any way), very little talking/chatting, hugs and kisses are nearly non-existent *sigh*

Breathes, on the other hand, is just as attentive as ever. He WAS pissed with me the other night (for reason) and it's taking him a few days to get past it so I'm missing him a little bit too :(.

Breathes had coffee with a potential secondary last Saturday but it didn't pan out :(. It took some coaxing from me to even get him to email her but once he did he got excited about meeting her even though he had butterflies.

Last Saturday we volunteered in the dungeon at Sexapalooza! FUN! Lots of different people wandered through, some with a bewildered look wondering just what in the world they were doing in such a deviant place! lol Some were really surprised at what household items could be turned into, lol :D. There was needle play, floggings, rope tying oh my! It was fun & I look forward to the next one!
 
That's the worst. I hate realizing that someone has reason to be upset with me.:eek:

Agreed *sigh*

He seems to be doing good though. Sex three times this week! WOOT!

Now if our adored friend would just get here so we can go out to eat.....I'm hungry and it's WAY past my supper time!
 
Originally posted by LR on her blog at http://lovingradiance.wordpress.com/


He’s not even asking her directly what intimacies she’s shared with Ludwig in his absence! He’s being sneaky and manipulative to get the information. Information that is A) none of his business B) he has specifically requested she not share with him C) is only going to exacerbate his own issues.
He’s being dishonest with himself and with Heidi. In doing so, he is being destructive to the cohesiveness of their relationship. His actions are a step down the road that leads to breaking up, because his actions are in direct conflict with the honesty and openness that are absolutely necessary for a healthy, happy, functional relationship! His choice to use covertcy¹ in their relationship to identify details of her other relationship will be the demise of their relationship; likely if it goes that far he will blame her other relationship, but the truth of the matter is that it is his own actions which are destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi.
This isn’t a POLY issue, this is a personal issue that Leo needs to deal with. This is an issue that would arise even if he were in a monogamous relationship with Heidi because Heidi would still have contact with people outside of her relationship with Leo. Those relationships would still have activities that he wasn’t always a participant in and they would be right back at his insecurity (about not being ENOUGH for her) kicking into high gear and him asking covert questions about her friends in order to assess the depth of her relationship with them. This would STILL be lying, manipulative and underhanded of him. It would still be disrespectful of Heidi. It would still be leading down the road to a break up because it would still be destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi!
It’s imperative in our relationships that we take time to :
A) Consider what we are REALLY looking for in the relationship. Only if we truly assess (HONESTLY) ,with ourselves, what it is that we are looking for in a relationship can we honestly address how to get that from the relationship.
B) Tell our partner what we want from the relationship. Only if we are honest and forthright in telling our partner what we are looking for in a relationship can they honestly tell us if THEY are going to be able to have a relationship with us that meets our specifications. (Thus, if we say that what we need is cuddle time and they say they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will give us cuddle time. If we tell them we don’t want to know details of their other relationships and they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will not share that information AND that we should not be searching for that information either.)
C) Hold ourselves accountable to behaving in a manner that reinforces what we (and they) agreed to as the terms of the relationship based on A & B. i.e. if we agreed to not discuss intimate activities with other lovers, we are responsible for not trying to glean that information by subterfuge or covertcy¹!
When we succumb to using secrecy, manipulation and lies in order to create our own sense of security, we are systematically destroying the relationships which we claim to trying to secure! This is self-destructive at best. It’s dysfunctional and can be dangerous as well.


Wow, once again you have hit the nail on the head LR :).

This takes me back to my last marriage, the control issues, the insecurities, the putting each other down in order to make ourselves feel better...I saw this stuff at the time but didn't really acknowledge it.

He tried to control me..where I went, when, with whom, who I talked on the phone to, how often I saw my family, what I said to whom & what they said to me......yeah.

I've never really gotten into that here. I don't know what I saw in him way back then but I saw something, something which made me think I could change him. It didn't take me long to see the error in my thinking but it did take me nine years to get out of that marriage :(. A lot of damage was done to my self esteem and other relationships along the way.

We get along better now because we're not together.

It's taken me six years to get where I am. It's been a really long road to self acceptance but it's been really well worth it.

I now feel better about myself than I can ever remember feeling. A lot of my progress has been due to *gasp* polyamory! I've had to do a lot of introspection and work on myself in order to deal with insecurities (still working on it,really) which has led me to be a better me. I'm hoping this road to self improvement will continue.

On a down side: I've got to go back to night shift tomorrow night :(. They've laid off back 15 years :(. Technically the job I last did on nights is not available since they've shut it down for night shift so they, if they want to go by the book, should send me to my next previous posting/job which was on afternoons. Unfortunately the plant manager can't find the paperwork saying I have a post on afternoon's. He's been there less than a year so he doesn't just KNOW this stuff, he has to have proof that what we say is true so it doesn't look like we are just trying to get our own way. I'm not happy about it but there's not much recourse this time. I bought some fish oil pills and melatonin pills yesterday, hoping the melatonin will help me to sleep when my body/mind is saying otherwise, & the fish oil will help counteract the effects the lack of sunlight will have on me.
 
Uggggggg, what a month!

I've got a five day weekend so I'm hoping to be able to catch up on all my lost sleep, emails, forums (yeah, i can barely find the mental energy to do the email let alone moderator duties)!

It was supposed to be a three day weekend which I turned into a four day weekend with a vacation day. They are shutting down Monday and Tuesday (I had Monday for vacation) & since I have a couple of vacation days left they let me have Tuesday for vacation time.

Work is slow, no question, but a good deal of that goes back to the powers that be, at work, not doing their jobs right/correctly/at all. They've ignored us when we tell them something is wrong. Ignored CLIENTS when they were told there was a problem with the product....not good. They used to have a very high end quality control, now I wouldn't even qualify it as low end which is really very sad.

As long as the client keeps buying the product the company won't do anything about the complaint. As long as the company isn't losing production time due to a problem they don't do anything about it. Does anyone see a theme here? As long as there are no repercussions for the company they don't give a damn!

Sorry, had to get that out of my system. I'm not very happy with work since a good deal of the joblessness we have could have been PREVENTED by quality control and upper management doing their jobs in the first place!

Breathes and I have been in a rut lately. Just drifting through life, not really talking or doing much of anything else :(. We're trying to get out of it without a lot of success lately.

Possibility....yeah, Possibility. Large time depression lately. He's waiting for the doctor to call him with an appointment for a mental health professional which has really left us kind of in limbo :(. I love him and want to spend time with him but two hours a week is really not giving me that feeling of.......security? being loved? It's a little hard to define but I'm just not happy with the way things are going there.

We sometimes don't even get that two hours a week *sigh*. Trying to find an alternative time to get together is nearly impossible because we both have other commitments and with his depression any possible time is dependant upon his feeling up to it. grrrrrrrrr

I'm revamping my resume and tentatively looking into going back to school to either update my legal secretarial skills or for something totally new. I can't decide what I want to do and since I'm still working I don't feel there is a hurry to make a decision in that vein right now.
 
Urggggggg

Breathes is trying to drive me totally bonkers!

Wednesday night he was supposed to talk to former fwb about sex/lack of/testing/platy, etc. I've been hearing, & having, this conversation for MONTHS! The conversation with her hasn't happened YET! He worried himself sick over what her reaction would be to the conversation so ended up not having it *sigh*. He was supposed to tell her that there would be nothing further along those lines any more. Anyone in his life would have to be someone who either liked/wanted to be with both of us or someone I could at least like and get along with.

I love him to death but some days I just want to smack him with the clue-by-four!

Train of thought is all over the pace. This working night shift sucks in so many way!
 
Back on days! WOOT!

We just had a very filling all you can eat inner for my sons birthdays! They will be 16 tomorrow! All that food has made me lethargic :(.

Possibility seems to be doing better. A big change in meds and a mental health professional later.....He's wanting to start playing together again but I won't until he can prove this is a long term change, not just a short term thing. He's not happy about that but does understand.

Breathes.....worked way too many hours this past week. That's a good thing AND a bad thing. Good because it gives him a chance to work out his frustrations with his main job which means I don't have to listen to them when I finally get home and the extra money is wonderful. Bad because I don't get to see him very much :(. He got off early Tuesday, had Wednesday off & then gaming was called off Friday night so he got some much needed wind down time, the rest of the days he worked!

Why the heck am I up so early? I'm up early through the week, there's absolutely NO reason to be up this early on the weekend! :(
 
I posted this elsewhere on the site and thought I would bring it over here:


The hardest part of escaping is finding that self esteem which the abuser has been beating out of you (whether it's physically, emotionally, mentally, a combination or something else altogether) for what seems like forever and then some! It doesn't take a lot of self esteem to get out but it does take just a little bit. Most of us have to dig under years of baggage and shit to find even a half gram of it to fuel us in the right direction.

What it took for me was an online friend who simply talked to me, helped me acknowledge what I already knew, listened when I was having a hard time. He didn't judge, didn't berate, didn't do anything to coerce me into leaving. The decision was all mine. I just needed a friendly voice and a shoulder to cry on, someone to treat me like a human being rather than a door mat to wipe his feet on when he thought I was worthy of such treatment (which was all the time). We parted ways several years ago but I will ALWAYS be grateful to him for the HUGE part he played in my reemergence into the world of humanity!
I think it's about time I talked about my marriage (still married to the moron due more to lack of funds than anything else).

I lived with him for TEN years! Ten years I can't get back, no matter how hard I try. Good things came out of those years but for the most part the bad out weighed the good by a long shot.

He hit me once and ONLY once. The police were called and he still, nearly 15 years later, holds a grudge against me for it. The man (term used loosely as the only thing defining him as a man is that thing between his legs) never, NEVER forgives a wrong whether it's actually been perpetrated or was imagined--on purpose or accidentally.

He can't forgive the fact I was sexually abused as a child. He can't forgive the fact the police were called for domestic violence so he now has a criminal record. He can't forgive the fact that I finally came into my own and left him!

I was in such bad mental/emotional shape that I left the kids with him! They had a roof over their heads, their daily schedule stayed basically the same, they stayed in the same school and kept the same friends. They are 16 now and are doing fine. They know how to deal with their dad and have an escape if things get to the point where they can't deal with it.

He never had a kind word for me, only four times ever told me he loved me, did everything in his power to strip what self esteem and self love I had for myself from me so that I would forever be in his grasp to do with as he pleased. All my friends, the few I had, fell by the wayside because they could see what I couldn't acknowledge to that point.

Mental abuse is harder to get over. There are still things I need to work through, probably always will be but I am so much healthier now than I ever was while I was with him!

I joke that I lost 300 pounds when I left him but it isn't really a joke. My self esteem slowly started coming back, I started getting healthier, my headaches became a once a month thing rather than a daily ordeal. I became happier soon after I left and got over the shock

I love myself again, I've lost a little bit of weight (my own, not his), my kids are here as often as they're there. I will always be a work in progress but that's okay. As long as I'm always working toward a better met I'll be ok.
 
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:p;)

We went to the fall fair with some new friends last night and had a really good time. At least I did until I started feeling the effects of riding carnival rides and being stupid enough to NOT wear shoes with orthotics when I KNOW I'm going to be doing a ton of walking!

The new friends are from Israel and have recently moved here to work for Google. Last night was a time of firsts, lol. I think it was their first fair and she had her first bite of fudge :). Lots of money spent, lots of walking and talking and some went on lots of rides.

i went on TWO rides, the ferris wheel and something else, and now have mild whiplash :(. I want a NEW BODY! I love, LOVE carnival rides but my body won't let me ride them any more *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*. Scrambler, roller coasters, drop zone, you name it and I would ride it. No more :(. My back and neck just can't handle it any more :(.

Kids up and distracting me. Hopefully more later.
 
Rambling, random thoughts. Trying to figure things out.

This lack of communication with Possibility is driving me absolutely and totally bonkers!

I've been feeling kind of emotionally numb and uncentered for a couple of weeks and I don't know why.:(

I've tried and tried to get his whole family involved in things, they enjoy themselves when my efforts are successful, we all do. For a while I would email/FB them a couple of weeks before a holiday weekend, wanting to know if they wanted to do anything together as a family. Never, not once, did I get a reply other than through the grapevine or if I physically went over there and talked to them face to face. I finally gave up trying to get us all together for anything planned. I don't deal well with frustration so I just decided that the frustration level wasn't worth it for me :(.

They haven't even noticed! Two or three holidays have gone by since I stopped trying, another one is about to go by, and NO ONE has even mentioned getting together! :cry

I don't get over there very often. The only time I have to do so is after work and it takes me 90 minutes to get there from work. By the time I get there I have about a half hour before I have to catch my bus home so I can eat supper and spend time with Breathes and my son before I head off to bed (possibly help son with his homework as well). I'm welcome there on gaming nights as well but I end up bored nearly to tears so, once again, it isn't worth it.

Possibility's communication sucks and I'm finding myself falling into that trap as well. I see the trap of non-communication, I know what it means for me, what can I do to avoid it?

I know I have to talk to him about it, let him know what this does for me but I'm scared to for some reason.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGG! Apparently my own family doesn't know how to communicate either! Brother just texted me asking me to text him if his step son needs anything/has any problems! 1. I didn't know he was even OUT OF TOWN until an hour ago! 2. I have no vehicle so can't get there quickly if I am needed. 3. Step son is 16! Never been on his own for more than a few hours before! They will be gone four or five days! isn't that too young to be on your own for nearly a whole week???!!!!

Blah, lost my train of thought, random or not.
 
First: Last weekend I learned that Possibility's male primary is not the most sexually vigilant partner, or metamour, I've ever encountered. If there's no possibility of pregnancy he will go bareback because he can't maintain an erection with a condom. This has caused me to have some mild concern for my own health, the health of any current partners, and any future partners. It's only a 'mild' concern because it has been more than six months, closer to a year, since Possibility and I did anything of a sexual nature.

Second: I've come to the conclusion (don't know WHY it took me so long to acknowledge this) that I MUST have working communication with all partners, and preferably with metamours as well. There can be mind blowing sex but without communication it just isn't worth it for me.

If communication with Possibility doesn't pick up and become what it needs to be the odds are greatly increased that we will revert to cuddle buddies and movie friends, nothing more. Actually, that's not a 100% true statement. I've decided already that I am ok being cuddle buddies and movie friends and would like it if things stayed at that level.

I was on the brink of sorting through this stuff when I was hit by the brick of knowledge last weekend which sent me into shock which required me to keep quiet and sort through things before I said or did something really stupid. The worst part is, now that I can look back on the conversation, that he said he didn't know if he should tell me or not! Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah, you should have told me this a fuck of a lot sooner!

I haven't had a chance to sit down with him and discuss things yet. I was supposed to see him on Tuesday but he had a family emergency which looks like it will be ongoing for at least the next couple of months :(. I just sent an email asking if there's some time soon when we can get together without the kids so we can talk.

Through this experience I have learned that while I do know how to, and can, communicate effectively, if I have a partner who can't I tend to fall into the trap of non-communication. A trap that has no exit, no bottom. It keeps going and going until I either get fed up and put an end to the relationship or I keep falling further and further into the trap.

I haven't discussed the full extent of things with Breathes yet. He knows what's going on and trusts my judgment enough to know that I will talk to him about these things before they blow up in a spectacular way. That talk will happen later today *sigh*.

Things will work out eventually.
 
Talk didn't happen :(. Apparently he's too busy to give me an hour to go for coffee and talk but NOT too busy to have friends over tonight, friends who, if he would ask, would gladly watch ankle biters for an hour! I guess I'm personna non grata these days :( He knows I want/need to talk, that he's not going to like what I have to say so he's avoiding the talk for all he's worth!

I can't even get a simple yes or no answer to an email I sent him yesterday! No, I'm not happy. Unfortunately there's not much I can do about it without making a scene. Yeah, bitch mode is ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be OK in the morning. Tired, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged and wanting to bitchslap somebody! NOT a good combination!

Off to do the grocery list.
 
Helluva two weeks! Glad they're over and done with!

After two weeks of being put off, feeling like I was the last thing on his mind (good reason for this but I won't go into it since it isn't my story to tell) and general bitchiness on my part....

At Breathes' suggestion and urging we went to Possibility's after work Friday so I could say what I needed to say and so Breathes could watch the kids while said talk happened. Turns out his wife was home? Still upset over that one as he KNEW I just wanted an hour where his wife was home so we could go out for coffee and talk.

It turns out that his communication is even suckier than I thought *sigh* and have complained about. His male primary does NOT have unprotected sex with anyone other than the core group, whew! The way he phrased it when he told me said totally other wise. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement!

We've decided to cut things back to friends right now so he can deal with the bad things in his life without feeling like he's ignoring me. We'll re-evaluate things when the badness is done with to see where things stand.
 
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