Redpepper's journey

You just saw It's a Wonderful Life for the first time? Gosh, I've seen that movie at least a dozen times and I cry every time.

That little kid, Zuzu: "Daddy, teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Waahhh! So cute.

Why didn't I think to name one of my kids Zuzu?
 
You just saw It's a Wonderful Life for the first time? Gosh, I've seen that movie at least a dozen times and I cry every time.

That little kid, Zuzu: "Daddy, teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings." Waahhh! So cute.

Why didn't I think to name one of my kids Zuzu?
Yeah, I never have. It's not a British thing I think and I was raised British. I don't know a ton of Canadians that have watched it over and over... maybe once.

Good movie, but I guess it has a different effect when it's tradition.

Still working back and forth on boundaries and clarifying where we are, but the intensity is over. We are back to regular dates, essentially where we were before. I hope that our group friendship will be the same. Who knows, maybe it will be a deeper friendship, even.
 
As I like to explain thing visually, I am just about done with a visual depiction of how I see this cycle of ups and downs working. I'll add it to my relationship imagery album. I can be such a geek sometimes. LOL :eek:
 
I see it as like the movie "It's a wonderful life." I watched it for the first time the night after I saw Leo. I feel like the man in the movie. I have everything but I was meant to be a great explorer. The world is out there and although I have something wonderful, every now and then I push to break out of it, just for a bit, to explore.


:)

Hahahahahaha! It's A Wonderful Life is a Christmas tradition in my world. My cousin calls me George Bailey all the time! 2Rings and I have been watching old movies, the classics. Philadelphia Story is next. He has either never watched them or not all the way through. I will throw out these movie lines and he looks at me quizzically. So we are watching them.

I had never seen Night of the Living Dead, so we did that after we visited a filming location. Then we watched Casablanca and To Kill a Mockingbird. Anyway, I am off subject. Shaking it up a little every so often is good for the soul. Keep your adventurous nature! Who else is going to lasso the moon, except us dreamers? :D
 
I have been talking to Leo back and forth and have come to the conclusion that it will be easy for me to keep a non-sexual agreement because he identifies as a swinger. It seems to me that his wife is the center of his sexual and emotionally-connected world and that anything else is sport and casualness. No love is allowed in the equation except where she is concerned.

I don't seem to be able or willing to engage with anything that is not a loving connected sexual relationship. So, that is all great and it means that I will not be involved, even if there were the opportunity. Bingo! I feel as if I have solved the confusion.

I had a really good talk with a well-known and experienced slave and master last night. It was so good to be able to talk to people that are like-minded in this way, as I don't have the opportunity often. I don't involve Mono and myself in the local scene, as I find it gossipy, filled with drama and showy. I don't get the sense, in the 10 years of going to events, that anyone who is out in the community at events is practicing with the same level of commitment and vulnerability as Mono and I do when we get a chance. The scene is mostly newbies and the more casual. Just not my taste, ya know? That being said, he and I have a lot more work to do to really get to the depth of connected sub/dom relationship that we could. It's frustrating. We just don't have the time or space.

It caused me some envy, listening to them talk of their playroom and the equipment they have, where I only have the local events to go and play with such depth and they don't allow any open sexuality. I have been contemplating the idea of becoming a member just so we can have the opportunity to play as we do at home, but using the equipment the community provides at events. It would mean public nudity and open sexuality on Mono's part, so the choice is in his hands. I am not the type of mistress that pushes in terms of saying "You will do this regardless of your apprehension." It just isn't my mode of operation.

My discussion with this couple lead to some interesting places, as they are also swingers. They take the vulnerability of BDSM very seriously, yet don't see swinging with the same respect. I found that interesting and somewhat validating, as this was what my experience with swinging was like. The surface level of interaction didn't suit me. I find bodies interacting to be very vulnerable and emotional.

The couple and I talked about that a bit and I also told them about my concern with the amount of alcohol swinger drink. They confirmed for me that there are a lot of scenes that don't involve safe sex and push people in a direction that could very well lead them to be in situations that perhaps they don't want to be in, because they are too drunk or not self-aware enough to look after themselves.

I suggested that perhaps there be more consideration on their part, more respect and empathy for those they engage with. I think it fell on deaf ears, for the most part, although there was a glimmer of recognition in the master's eyes that he had not considered what I was talking about before now.
 
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So, more discussion with Leo. He seems to be really concerned that he doesn't understand how I could have sex with people I love only. It's not like I can help it. I just am that way. I have sex, I feel love. I feel love, I have sex. Why is that so hard to understand? He asked me if I would have sex with someone I just met and don't know if there was a notion to. What is that supposed to mean, his asking that? I asked him why. Now I wait. The answer, btw, was no, due to my circumstances. But I met Mono that way, so it's not beyond my realm of conception, I guess.

I wonder what all this matters anyway, this talking about it thing. There seems to be some reason, yet I don't know what it is. I don't judge him. I don't want him to be like me. I don't want him to know anything other than it could be a course of struggle in the future if he and the wife take up swinging again in a sexual way, rather than in a "going to the events" way.

I found a really cool article on PolySwingers though. They seem to fit the bill entirely. I sent it to him, and await a response. This is the link http://schooloftantra.net/worldpolyamoryassociation/articles/PolySwingers.html

In other news, Derby is in Alberta with family. I am sure she is having a great time and I look forward to hearing about what thoughts and discussions came out of her drive.

I also look forward to New Years. Apparently Leo and wife are invited. I will be shocked if they come. Derby and I get to kiss this year. :D It's a bit of an anniversary, as our smooching last year is how we ended up being together.

Mono and PN painted PN's room all day today, as LB was away all weekend. It looks great and PN is glad to have it done. I missed hanging out with Mono today, though. Not one moment of private time. I went to see Narnia with PN tonight and that topped off a great weekend. I think most of it was spent in bed ;) I am such a bed person. Nothing feels better than spending a day in bed. That doesn't happen often.

Onwards to a busy week of packing at work, and prep for Christmas. We got all the presents wrapped, all the food bought, all the extras done. Now we wait and prep food. I am really looking forward to it all this year, with my wonderful family.
 
It's been a week since the small glitch in an otherwise happy road. The men are watching Transformer movies. They are off this week and have time and I am sitting here writing to Leo while his wife is out with a friend.

What a busy week, one of learning.
 
My stress level is beyond these days. I'm getting up in the night to worry about work stuff in terms of organizing, and our move, dealing with unhappy co-workers who have been glazed over in denial about moving and now are suddenly anxious, stressed and fucking crazy. I'm doing a lot of physical work that is making me achy and tired beyond my usual. Not a good mix with sleepless nights. I've been snapping at my family, unable to participate in the Christmas merriment of their holiday time, haven't kept up with friends and family beyond our house. Shall I go on?

My lovely J (ex wife) came over last night, having come home from her schooling in the States. We all hung out and chatted, drank eggnog and rum, had some strange tea she brought back. We all sleepily snuggled on the couch, laughing and catching up. Mono fell asleep on my shoulder. I was so content to just be... a small island of joy this week that I was so grateful for.

I was so pleased that they were happy. J really can see that we are all okay. I was so glad that she was there to be part of that loving feeling.

The two guys are home this week and I have clocked out of house stuff/parenting (other than fun stuff), Christmas prep activities. I just have to get them to greet me at the door with a "rusty nail," my slippers, offer of a comfy chair and the promise that they will take care of everything and everything would be complete. *hint* *hint*

One day left. Christmas Eve. Here's hoping... we would be later for family dinner. But as long as they roll me into the car after my drink, I would be fine with that. :eek::rolleyes:
 
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I just took stock of myself while waiting for Mono with my two clients. (I treated them to coffee. Poor dears, it's hard for them too.) Dirty jeans that are three days old, dirty coat due to moving boxes, outside plants and lawn furniture, no makeup, crazy red hair all over the place because of the wind, complete with matts and grease, bags under my eyes. I look really awesome right now. *sigh* :( Goes with my mood, at least.
 
I just took stock of myself while waiting for Mono with my two clients (treating them to coffee, poor dears, its hard for them too); dirty jeans that are three days old, dirty coat due to moving boxes, out side plants and lawn furnature, no make up, crazy red hair all over the place because of the wind, complete with mats and grease, bags under my eyes, I look really awesome right now. *sigh* :( goes with my mood at least.

You're still beautiful, no matter what.
 
Thanks, LR and Derby. :) *hugs* Feeling much better now.

My co-workers and I bonded like never before this week. We went through a huge life-altering moment this week, moving our office. It isn't really related to here or anything that I can really pinpoint, but I am changed and love them all the more now. I am so fortunate to be blessed to work with a team that is so incredible. Even our clients came, and we did it together.

Christmas has really been good this year. Dinner at PN's mum's last night went really well. PN's brother was there and met Mono for the first time. They were polite and chatted with him. There was some confusion I sensed from them, but I gave each man attention as I normally would and we all acted like ourselves. They couldn't deny that things seem really humming along well between us both.

I really like PN's brother and his Korean wife. I have known them both since they were teens and the wife was a student living with PN's mum and his brother for awhile. They have a wonderful way about them and a sense of humour that is similar to ours. The brother designs video games for a company in a nearby city. LB listened to him talk about his work with wide eyes after they played together on their DS's. LB LOVED it! He is connecting more and more with his uncle each time they hang out, even if it is just once or twice a year.

PN's mum is staying dry this season and was really struggling last night. I don't think I have even experienced her being sober for any occasion. I was really impressed and noticed a huge improvement to everyone's comfort and enjoyment of the evening, besides her. She was embarrassed that I said something, as she feels she doesn't live up to my mum and her sister. Total bullshit, and I told her so. If you read back on our story you will see how much love and support she gave us where they could not. She said she never has understood, but as she cheated on PN's dad and left him for PN's best friends dad (now his stepdad), she didn't think she should judge, as we aren't hurting anyone and we are all benefitting. I gave her big hugs, told her how proud she should feel and how I admired her. I told her I love her and wish her success. Then I told her I would leave her alone, as she was obviously done with my attention. :D heh I do like to lavish support, sometimes.

Today I texted everyone in my address book and enjoyed getting responses from people I haven't talked to in an age.

We got up and hung out admiring the footprints Santa left and drank coffee with Bailey's. LB looked at the science books he got last night. No interest in more presents. He prefers the magic of it all. He is so much like me. I never ate Halloween candy or wanted to open presents. I just liked the magic of it all, the story behind it all.

We eventually got to opening gifts. I got a lovely three-heart pendant from Mono and martini fixin's from PN, among other wonderful things. LB got a watch, a wallet, and TONS of Lego Atlantis. Funny, Santa got him double of one. Oops. I guess that will have to be a gift for one of his friends.

After some pancakes PN made, we went for a walk. We got someone to take a picture of us at a local park on the ocean that I walk to as much as I can. I found a note from Mono stuck in a rock crevice that we have been using as a note spot for two years now. I have a huge box of notes now, all expressing his love. I was pleased to get one today. It seemed so poignant, somehow. I looked out for a moment over the water to the mountains beyond and felt right in the world.

A few errands and relaxing, and a lot of eggnog and martinis, *hick* we now await dinner. PN and Mono have done everything. I so appreciate all the efforts they have made to be organized and Christmassy when I was unable to this week. We pulled it off together. Even managing to avoid the embarrassment of missing a gift to PN's brother! I bought it quickly on the way home from work.

I am so happy. I talked to all my loves today, Derby included. Leo as well, albeit in texts, and now sit here, buzzed and content after a shit week. Nothing like going through shit, to come out of it feeling grateful and enjoying life more. This is what it's about.

I think of Brene Brown from a few pages back, when I posted about her writing, and realize that I have not one single relationship that is numbed down. I live with everything I can muster and it means that moments like this are absolutely perfection, or at least as close to it as possible.

Maybe it's the eggnog talking. :D ;)
 
Or maybe it's the 'less stress' Christmas????

I had one of those & it was awesome!
 
... and TONS of lego atlantis. Funny, santa got him double of one... opps. I guess that will have to be a gift for one of his friends.
The funny thing about LEGO, is that doubles still just means more parts, so unlike some gifts, you can get as many as you like as they're all still useful.

Merry Xmas RP
 
The funny thing about LEGO, is that doubles still just means more parts, so unlike some gifts, you can get as many as you like as they're all still useful.

Merry Xmas RP
Very true II, although I know a boy that likes lego too ;) I think I will give it to him this summer for his birthday.

merry christmas to you too. :)
 
I wanted to put this somewhere, as I like what I said about LB.

Little buddy (LB) is an absolute joy. He is the one I want to hang out with when my life is hard and I need solace. I went and sat with him tonight as he did some craft project that I didn't understand. I cut something when he asked, held things that were gluing. He fed my soul and made me realize that when life sucks, it's important to remember it's as simple as doing a craft that is tough to do without adult help. He reminds me every day of the simple joy of life. Money can't buy that, extra time can't buy that, grownups don't do that like a child does. To me, LB is the spirit of life in our house.

Children are a little piece of heaven and a little piece of hell. Anyone who can parent well deserves a medal for having to deal with that huge continuum between the two. It really is a lifetime achievement. It's taking life by the horns and living it. It's a right of passage for some that defines the stage of life they are in. To me it has become the glue of my entire childless family, especially at this time of year!

I really don't think people need to parent kids. I just think that they should include them in their lives and do their best to be there for kids. It really does create a healthy balance.

Once kids start school or you watch them with a group of other kids, it isn't hard to tell which ones don't have any siblings (even if they have been in daycare). I think once they are adults, things tend to even out. It really doesn't matter as long as the parents are invested (may mean regular play dates and living in a neighborhood with other young children).
Exactly. We are raising an only child. None of our sibs have kids. LB is the only one in an aging family of almost 40 year olds. I make sure he spends a lot of time with other kids at school because of this. I bend over backwards to create interesting play dates for him and his friends so he might have one-on-one time with them. He doesn't like kids coming to the house. He prefers his down time over hanging out with other kids. But it's all been done before and I am not worried.

He is always smiling, self motivated and very popular at school. He is confident and makes sure we know what his preference is and what his needs are. I am very proud of how he is being raised, even moreso now that he has an extra grownup buddy that loves him and cares for his well being.

Mono is on our will as being his guardian if we both die. Mono gets the house and LB gets our money. Mono could have tenants to pay the mortgage and we have really good life insurance. I feel very comfortable with our arrangement and the life we have set up for LB.
 
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