Pretty sure I'm poly...

Courious

New member
Hello! So here's the long story short.

I am a very loving person. I often find I have way more love and attention to give to others than they can handle. I've been interested in poly for at least a couple years, but I don't think my hubby is into it.

I've tried to talk to him about it a couple times, but not really seriously. I'm wondering if he is saying he's not into it because he thinks it'd mean me stepping out more than him or something. TBH, he probably wouldn't find someone else, at least not right away, and I kinda already have someone in mind (he's up for being with me, knowing I'll stay with my hubby).

So my first question is, how do I have this talk with him ~ I need real, serious advice on this one. He's usually in a better mood when he's drinking/stoned, is that a legitimate time to bring it up. Because honestly, I think it'd be best that way...

My second question is about myself. The thought of someone I love sleeping with someone else kinda makes me feel a little icky. But I think maybe it's a self-confidence thing, like if I had more faith in myself and how awesome I am, I wouldn't mind it, because I'd know in my heart of heart that no one can love someone else the way they love me.

So how do you get past those feelings?

Thanks in advance :)
 
First, I don't think bringing it up when he's drunk is such a good idea. You need a serious talk and he'll need to be on an even playing field with you, if you bring it up when he's "diminished", it's like you're giving yourself an unfair advantage in this discussion.

Secondly, the fact that the person you're interested in already knows you're intentions before you brought it up with your husband... is not so good. Now, it's great that you haven't cheated on him, but from his point of view, maybe you already have: you went behind his back to arrange things with another guy, rather than discussing things with him when you started having feelings, he could feel very betrayed.
So I think after you bring it up you might have to earn his trust, and you could have to say goodbye to your plan of getting together with that specific guy, and do it when your husband is actually involved in the decision before the fact, which might make him more secure about it, and not feel like it's already decided and if he says no he's losing you, so he has no choice.

About the feelings of "ickiness", I guess you need to really think about what you think might cause them. Insecurity is indeed a big thing for a lot of people, and if you're not a very confident person that could be it. You could be scared of comparison, or just feel like you're losing a "possession" by "sharing" someone.
Either way, you'll need to come to terms with it first, just like your husband will have to come to term with his own hangups, if he does want to work on them, of course.

But if you want him to actually have a voice, and be part of the decision, I don't think cornering him into the discussion is likely to make him feel appreciated. I know it's a difficult discussion to have, and it's hard to bring it up, because I was in your shoes once, but you risk hurting him if you don't go into it thinking about him as much as you can, and putting aside for a moment your fantasies about your ideal relationships. Most partners need time to be willing to get into it, when I brought it up it took over a year before anything happened, you need to talk it through, talk a lot, and be clear that you love him and want to stay with him no matter what.
Or, if you think poly is such a part of you that you can't live without it, then be prepared to leave him if he's not fine with it. And I would advise against letting him go with it "so he doesn't lose you". It's a very toxic way of thinking, if he goes into it thinking that, it's probably best that you do break up because I can't see a lot of good coming out of it.

...A bit more of a rant than I originally planned. Either way, let us know how things went after you have the talk.
 
Yeah, I realize I shouldn't have talked to the other guy first. It just kind of happened one night when we were hanging out. Just a couple nights ago. I've been feeling poly for a couple of years,so it's not like I want to open our relationship so I can sleep with this one guy.

And thank you for your reply!
 
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I didn't mean this was the only reason :) I can see how when there is nobody you have in mind, it can seem pointless to bring it up, it just seems easier for the partners because they don't have the fear that what you want is leave them for the other person.

I just wanted to point out how your husband might feel about it, I do realise you didn't plan it all or tried to go behind his back, but it's quite possible that he'll feel that way, so it's good to be ready in case he does :)
 
I didn't mean this was the only reason :) I can see how when there is nobody you have in mind, it can seem pointless to bring it up, it just seems easier for the partners because they don't have the fear that what you want is leave them for the other person.

I just wanted to point out how your husband might feel about it, I do realise you didn't plan it all or tried to go behind his back, but it's quite possible that he'll feel that way, so it's good to be ready in case he does :)

Thanks for that. I've been thinking about your 1st reply all evening, and I am planning to talk to him gently, and soon. And, I will do it when we are most relaxed and comfortable together, which will probably be after a couple of drinks ;)

And after bringing it up that way, I'm sure we'll additional, more sober conversations about it. I guess I just feel like the 'breaking the news' convo might go better if he's as relaxed as possible, ykwim?
 
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I'd spit it out.

"How do you feel about poly? Do you see that for us in any kind of way? What would be your dealbreakers? Is it not even on the map? Talk to me."

Then see if he's open to deeper talk on it or not.

GG
 
Thanks for that. I've been thinking about your 1st reply all evening, and I am planning to talk to him gently, and soon. And, I will do it when we are most relaxed and comfortable together, which will probably be after a couple of drinks ;)

And after bringing it up that way, I'm sure we'll additional, more sober conversations about it. I guess I just feel like the 'breaking the news' convo might go better if he's as relaxed as possible, ykwim?

I think that is a good idea. You can float out the idea again while he is relaxed and gage his reaction. You can then have a longer talk about it when you can both really focus.
 
I think that is a good idea. You can float out the idea again while he is relaxed and gage his reaction. You can then have a longer talk about it when you can both really focus.

I am hoping to talk to him this evening.... wish me luck and send me good vibes!
 
I am in your husbands shoes right now in my marriage. Just FYI I went ahead and let my husband go for it even when I didn't want to. I beleive that just one person can make the other happy if they are truelly meant for one another I guess my question is this if you didn't have kids would u just go have extra marital relationship and tell ur husband to take a leap if he didn't like it or chose to just be with him? I know kids complicate it all. And why do u need more than one person? I'm trying to understand my husband and I just hit a mental wall.
Also is it just physical attraction to this other guy that has u curious? my husband mentioned sex getting old between two people an I can agree with that and additional sex partners for fun while together I can agree with but the need to become emotionally involved with someone else it's bound to ruin ur marriage some how I would think. I hope u and ur husband find a common ground but if he is thinking like me it's gonna be a hard road ahead
 
I am in your husbands shoes right now in my marriage. Just FYI I went ahead and let my husband go for it even when I didn't want to. I beleive that just one person can make the other happy if they are truelly meant for one another I guess my question is this if you didn't have kids would u just go have extra marital relationship and tell ur husband to take a leap if he didn't like it or chose to just be with him? I know kids complicate it all. And why do u need more than one person? I'm trying to understand my husband and I just hit a mental wall.
Also is it just physical attraction to this other guy that has u curious? my husband mentioned sex getting old between two people an I can agree with that and additional sex partners for fun while together I can agree with but the need to become emotionally involved with someone else it's bound to ruin ur marriage some how I would think. I hope u and ur husband find a common ground but if he is thinking like me it's gonna be a hard road ahead

I can love more than one person at a time. And I don't want to have to hide that from my husband. I am grieving right now, I feel as though I'll have to choose and I so don't want to do that.

I didn't choose to be like this, and if I could make myself just be in love with my husband and forget about other people, I would. It's so hard.
 
so what ur saying is that u love ur husband but ur not in love anymore? Im new to all this so is that where the poly comes in? that everyone wants that new in love feeling and their marriage is good just bland? if that is so shouldn't u be straight with ur husband? I have tried to get mine to be straight with me the distrust is almost worse than the actual gf thing. He swears he loves me now more than ever and that he is in love with me but I just don't know because of how everything transpired. (emotions were not part of our original agreement and i found them telling eachother "I love u" can't imagine life without u" in text messages. I had a mini breakdown after that it wasn't pretty. My suggestion for u is to give ur husband the gods honest truth and let him decide the worst he can do is say no and probably not trust u but if ur grieving for the person u want to be then be who u want but live with the consequences. it's crazy how we are on opposite sides but almost feel the same way. Like our life isn't what we want for ourselves. I sacrificed my happiness for my husband to be happy and it's about done me in. I hope u and ur husband find that happy medium for the sake of ur family
 
so what ur saying is that u love ur husband but ur not in love anymore? Im new to all this so is that where the poly comes in? that everyone wants that new in love feeling and their marriage is good just bland? if that is so shouldn't u be straight with ur husband? I have tried to get mine to be straight with me the distrust is almost worse than the actual gf thing. He swears he loves me now more than ever and that he is in love with me but I just don't know because of how everything transpired. (emotions were not part of our original agreement and i found them telling eachother "I love u" can't imagine life without u" in text messages. I had a mini breakdown after that it wasn't pretty. My suggestion for u is to give ur husband the gods honest truth and let him decide the worst he can do is say no and probably not trust u but if ur grieving for the person u want to be then be who u want but live with the consequences. it's crazy how we are on opposite sides but almost feel the same way. Like our life isn't what we want for ourselves. I sacrificed my happiness for my husband to be happy and it's about done me in. I hope u and ur husband find that happy medium for the sake of ur family

I am in love with my husband. I just don't feel like he meets all my needs and wants, and I only have one life. I want it to be as full of love, understanding, and fun as possible. And for a lot of reasons, some being our life situation, some being his personality, I can't get all of it from him.
 
I beleive that just one person can make the other happy if they are truelly meant for one another [...] And why do u need more than one person? I'm trying to understand my husband and I just hit a mental wall.
What you are saying here isn't that unusual. We often talk about folks' "mental wiring". there are some that tend to be wireds more towards a monogamous way of thinking, and others that are wired towards a polamorous way.

A so-called "mono" person believes that the only reason that someone may love more than one person is because of some flaw or defect in them. This isn't the way a poly person thinks at all. Everybody has flaws, for one thing - but even if they didn't, even if there were some mythical "perfect" person out there, a poly person would still be capable of loving them and others.

The idea that someone can be "everything" to another person also doesn't compute for poly folk. We are all individuals and can enjoy the differences between us. The love that we feel for each person isn't some sort of substitute for the love we feel for another. Poly folks talk about the capacity for infinite love - just because they love someone else doesn't mean that they love you less - the amount of love that we have isn't a piece of pie that gets divided between those interested. In fact, for me, I love my partner even more because I have other partners (and I am very much "in love" with both of my partners).

This so-called mono/poly" relationship has been discussed often on here and in other places - a tag search may give you more information, if you are curious.
 
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