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Old 02-13-2013, 05:38 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 2,008

Wow. This situation seems so complicated to me (as in, I would run away screaming from all of the potential drama if I were in this).

Roommate issues: 1.) get another TV (this has never been a problem for me - at one point we owned 5 TVs and never bought a single one - all our friends "upgrade" continuously - try the pennysaver) 2.) your husband's desires and your boyfriend's desires are diametrically opposed - this is a problem. Any way to "divide" the space? (like RedPepper - an apt within a house type situation?) 3.) boundaries - everyone gets "couple time" and "alone time" (for those that want it) - schedule it. 4.) Hire a cleaning person if this is an issue (lots of people looking for "under the table" income in this economy). 5.) Do roommates really give a shit who their roommate is sleeping with? I never did. I might have an opinion if you asked me but it is seriously none of my business unless I am sleeping with them too.

Virginity issues: this is foreign to me...WHY is being E's first important to you? (I was someone's "first" once - it was awful, this colors my perceptions. I, personally, have a "no virgins" rule - I am not willing to ruin sex for anyone else, let them have their awkward fumbles elsewhere, crush on someone else as their "first love", get back to me when they know what they really want from me.) BUT, sex and love for me have always been separate things. Nice when then coincide, but not required, I can enjoy either or both. Too much expectation can lead to too much disappointment.

NRE: Is this still in play? How long has this situation been going on?

I think you have to look at WHY you want the things you want. And whether the outcomes are likely to be what you envision. Do you think that by being E's "first" that is somehow going to "fix" something in your relationship? That he will be more driven (than he already is) to stay in a situation that has it's drawbacks? WHY do you continue to pursue this in the face of Y saying that he will never be OK with sexual relations with anyone outside of your marriage?

As an outsider looking in: to pursue what you think you want/need with E you need to break the "no sex outside of marriage" boundary your Y has drawn, if you don't break that boundary and maintain the expectation with E that you are to be his "first" you are condemning him to a sexless life = this sucks on so many levels for all of you, no one gets what they want and everyone is vying for attention.

You could decide to - "free" E to go find sexual expression wherever he sees fit, and come home and share his experience with you (compersion happening there), thereby removing a "hurdle" to your happiness (taking his virginity "off the table"); commit to some number of hours a day/week of E-free time with Y - no talking about E-issues, no discussed your E-angst, get E out of the house (classes, dates, exercise, barhopping, whatever) AND commit to getting you and E out of the house for some Y-alone time x number of hours a day/week (volunteer somewhere, go on a platonic date, etc)

Everyone deserves to have their basic needs met to thrive. (I, personally, need an hour each morning for coffee/cigs/internet/books and an hour when I get home for beer/cigs/internet/books - with NO TALKING, 10 hours of work, 7 hours of sleep - this leaves 6 hours a day for boy interaction; they can divvy it up however they like - together with three, together with two, alone, sex, talking, whatever.) What do you need? What do each of them need? Are those needs compatible in any way?


PS. Sorry if I sound harsh and unsympathetic...I don't mean to be. It just looks like you have yourself between a rock and a hard place...which is where it looks you will stay unless something changes. You can't count on THEM changing, so you have to look at yourself - the only person you have any control over.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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