Probably not the typical question

Vintersorg

New member
This really isn't a case of polyamory, but I just really need some advice from somebody who might know what he or she is talking about, and google led me here. Apologies if this isn't a good place to ask.

A little background: I'm a pretty average "1 partner" guy going to college in Eastern WA. I've never really been interested in expanding beyond that in any way (don't see anything wrong with polyamory, but it just isn't for me I guess), but I've come to a pretty interesting situation.

So come this next fall my fiancee and I will be living across the state from each other (she changed schools, and I am currently unable to). Normally I'm not into the whole "more than two people" thing, but she recently told me that she wants me to get a "buddy". Not a real relationship (which is good, since I'm pretty much a one-woman dude, emotionally at least), but just somebody to get off with while we're apart. She also said that she isn't interested in the same (which is good too I guess, since I'm a jealous bastard), but I dunno, you know? While I'm not exactly comfortable with the idea, I'm not incredibly repulsed either, since it'd be very clear that me and my fiancee are the real deal, and that it'd be cut off at her word (which I think is a good thing. I really don't want her to ever be uncomfortable about it). I'd also make it plenty clear to any potential buddy that it's just physical, and find somebody who would accept that.

It just seems kind of weird. Do you know anybody in a similarish situation? I suppose it's pretty different since it will just be about sex (and living in a college town, it shouldn't be too tough to find somebody, guy or gal.), but any similar stories could help. I just want to weigh the pros and cons of this and not jump into anything I'm not fully ready for.

Also, is it terrible that I would not want the same situation over there? I guess I have some jealousy issues, though they bite both ways. I mean, the only reason I've even considered this is because she wants me to. Any advice is very welcome. Even if it's just "Vintersorg, you suck. Don't do this, you are too lame. Also you smell bad and suck at the guitar." it's still something. Thanks in advance.
 
You may want to look into a local swing scene. This would avoid emotional ties (in most cases) and give you the freedom to 'get your thing' in any number of ways.

Good luck!

Oh, and you might want to ensure she's saying this as a reflection of what she really feels and not a reflection of what she thinks you need/want.
 
Well said, Ember. There seems to be something missing here. I'd definitely confirm her thoughts and don't get caught up in the apparently unbelievable offer she has made.

"Just having sex" may have implications that may only surface after the fact. Then it's too late to take it back. Even though she is suggesting this and isn't saying she wants the same freedom, try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine if she "just had sex".

Communicate very openly.
Take care
 
Thanks for the quick response.
You may want to look into a local swing scene. This would avoid emotional ties (in most cases) and give you the freedom to 'get your thing' in any number of ways.

Good luck!
This sounds like a pretty great idea, but given that I'm just an undergrad living on campus, I don't really know of any local scene. I'll do some research though, because the idea of somebody getting clingy if I decide to go through with this makes me nervous.

Oh, and you might want to ensure she's saying this as a reflection of what she really feels and not a reflection of what she thinks you need/want.
That's what I've been thinking, and I brought this up almost immediately. She pretty much just brought up the fact that I have a MUCH bigger sex drive than her, and she thinks it wouldn't be right for me to be cooped up at a college surrounded by young and horny students, and stay celibate.

I'm not sure I really follow her reasoning all the way through, but I'll keep it in mind for sure. It's just such a new idea to me (for the record, my fiancee is the only woman I have ever had sex with, or even dated for more than a month, largely thanks to a certain obsession of mine.), and I have the jitters.
 
My husband took a while to warm up to the swing lifestyle because he was a ... how do you phrase... only serious relationships warrant sex, kind of guy. He had limited partners due to this outlook. There are 'hookup/dating' boards for these kind of things and usually they can point you to a local club or 'scene'.

If you'd like a web site feel free to message me and I'll shoot you a link. :)
 
Oh hey, another post while I was replying, cool.

"Just having sex" may have implications that may only surface after the fact. Then it's too late to take it back. Even though she is suggesting this and isn't saying she wants the same freedom, try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine if she "just had sex".

This is my biggest worry. Whenever I try and put myself into her shoes it really weirds me out, because the idea of her with another guy just rips at some real root feeling in me. It's not at all rational, but it's too strong to ignore. If she feels the same she sure isn't telling me.

Anyways, the very earliest this could even be a possibility would be next fall, so we have all of summer to talk it over, and even in fall I won't be jumping into anything.

Ya'll are pretty helpful here.

If you'd like a web site feel free to message me and I'll shoot you a link. :)

Message'd!
 
Rational and emotional have little to do with each other LOL! Trust me, I could go on about that all day :) And for what it is worth, that ripping feeling is normal in a lot of cases. I'm not there now, but have been there. Don't let anyone tell you it is irrational, possessive or anything else. It just is.
Glad you have time to deliberate and talk.
 
"only serious relationships warrant sex, kind of guy"

I know someone else with a similar view LOL! Poor Redpepper..she is soo hard done by!
 
I have been in a similar situation twice. One time it was because my girlfriend was becoming more emotionally distant from me. So she hoped I would find someone else, so she could feel better about leaving me.

The other time, it was because I was working out of state for a few months and my girlfriend thought it would be good if I still had regular sex. However, when I did find someone, she became very jealous and wanted me to stop. She wasn't as ready for it as she thought she was. I think some of her wanting me to be with someone else was because she cheated on me and wanted me to do something to call it "even." (I didn't guess at this until much later when I figured out a few things.)

Not sure if that helps.
 
COMMUNICATION!! Ember said it best. Make sure this is what you both really want and not something she thinks you want. My wife and I had a similar start in this lifestyle. ;)
 
I think it is unhelpful toward one's emotional and spiritual / psychological health to have "just sex" with people--that is, sex without bonding and openning into intimacy and tender feelings and all that. Sex is inherently bonding. It is intrinsic to sex that it is so. So my advice is to avoid having "just sex" without bringing your heart along for the ride. If you're not going to be making love with another, I recommend making love with yourself--either with your right or your left hand. It will avoid all of that messy emotional entanglements -- no worries!
 
I think it is unhelpful toward one's emotional and spiritual / psychological health to have "just sex" with people--that is, sex without bonding and openning into intimacy and tender feelings and all that. Sex is inherently bonding. It is intrinsic to sex that it is so. So my advice is to avoid having "just sex" without bringing your heart along for the ride. If you're not going to be making love with another, I recommend making love with yourself--either with your right or your left hand. It will avoid all of that messy emotional entanglements -- no worries!

I agree, but is it easier for men to have "just sex"?? Don't get me wrong, sex with people that you love and care for is SOOOOO much more fulfilling, but as young guy, I was able to just fool around to get my jollies off. I guess it was more about the physical need. When I'm hungry a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will fill me up even though that steak is really what I want. Make sense?

I don't want to suggest that just satisfying your need for sex is the right way to go, but was just putting it out there. :) I agree with JRiver that keeping to yourself would probably help the potential for the "messy emotional entanglements" :)
 
Danny,

I felt a little uncomfortable when saying what I really felt in my above response to this thread. I felt "old fashioned" and prudish a little bit--or that I may be taken that way. The truth is, these questions are tricky, and maybe no one has the right answer. But the perspective I offered, I think, deserves consideration for any merit it may have.

I've had beautiful and nurturing/nourishing brief sexual encounters on a few occasions--brief as a night. I was disappointed each time when it turned out that my partner of the moment wasn't interested even so much as talking with me in the morning or sharing coffee.... Once time I was with this delightful man with whom I had a profound energetic/psychic sort of connection verging into mystical stuff. We both felt our heart chakras open to one another, and even talked about it, comparing notes. We both felt the same thing! The next morning he was gone, though we slept arm in arm. He hadn't left the scene--a large, mostly outdoors, social gathering of queer men lasting days--, but he wouldn't come near me. I moved through it gracefully, but the truth is it did hurt ..., and this sort of thing has happened to me a number of times; much more than I would have liked.

A lot of gay/queer men (but it is true of many heteros, too) don't heartfully honor the power of sex -- which is a power of union and bonding, of tenderness and love and spiritual openning. There appear to me to be many risks in failing to acknowldge this power in sex, and one of them is that we can severely hinder or restrict that magic by mistreating it. We mistreat that magic when we fail to look very closely at what sex really is. We fail to look, often, because we think we know what it is. That is, we fail to recognize the mystery dimention in sexuality. A mystery is something we cannot fully understand in concepts: it's bigger than all of our conceptual categories. Sex is a mystery if ever there was one, and therefore needs to be treated as sacred.

That is, all sex is sacred sex, whether the pratitioners realize this at the moment or not.

I'm talking this way now because these points were driven home strongly for me recently (beginning a year ago). I fell in love with one of my best friends, who subsequently abandoned our friendship. We had been sharing a lot of kisses. He's an eleven on a chart of 1-10 as a kisser! We had a little sex. We held hands, talked intimately, literally slept together, etc. It was great! But, for him, this wasn't all half as much a bonding experience as it was for me. Then his boyfriend found out about what had been going on between "R" and myself. My boyfriend was fine with it, but R's boyfriend was very, very upset. (I figured those two were breaking up, or I wouldn't have gotten involved without his boyfriend's knowledge, but I don't want to go into all that in detail in this already long post.)

Anyway, losing both R's intimate friendship and our loverly friendship all at once was devastating for me, emotionally. (I'd have been okay to lose the sexy intimacy if the friendship had continued.) It was also a great emotional and spiritual challenge for me. And out of that challenge I have learnd a lot--, largely because it catalyzed a deep inquiry into freindship, love, sex, bonding, relationships... and all that sort of thing.

Among the things I have realized is that good kisses (and other sexual contact) are pure emotion. People thinking otherwise just don't know how to examine the question! You cannot get naked with someone and rub body parts and not be intimate in a profound way!, and that's an emotional intimacy--whether we realize that and recognize it or not. The amazing thing is that so many don't realize it! --in fact, very many seem to have their hearts severed from their genitals (and other errogenous zones), so to speak. Well, nothing can sever a person in such a hideous way unless it is traumatic. So, hidden away in a LOT of "casual sex" is an emotional/spiritual trauma -- and an emotional/spiritual opportunity. Sacred.

All relationship is sacred. Holy.

Failure to honor and recognize the mystery of this is a sort of abuse and misuse which may lead to further trauma and more wounding of the soul.
 
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That is, all sex is sacred sex, whether the pratitioners realize this at the moment or not.

If I had of read this statement a year ago I would have completely disagreed. Now that I have connected with myself and explored my sexual nature (which was not anything like I thought it would be) I completely agree with you.

The only caveat would be in that I accept that it might not be "sacred" for other people as we see it. There is no right or wrong in my opinion, just acceptance that people work differently and that is what makes this world interesting and a little tricky to navigate.

Thank you for opening up on this post, JRM.
I am touched by your honesty and willingness to share to the benefit of others.
 
JRM, I will agree with Mono and thank you for opening up. I'm not sure that I completely understand your perspective, but I'm always open to listen and learn. :)
 
Thank you JRM!! Don't know you but you're AWESOME! :)
 
:)Thanks!
 
JRM....that was an awesome post......it's amazing how many people don't "get it" when it comes to the passion and the emotion of sex and the connections that we forge with kissing or other bodily touches.....I've watched people give their spouse a hug without ever really even touching! How is that possible? I could go on and on, but again thanks for opening up and stating so well what so many of us feel.
 
has your fiance had experience in this before I wonder? It sounds like she has given it a lot of thought and has rationalized how it would benefit you and her. Maybe she really thinks this is a good idea? It certainly may lead to a poly lifestyle along the lines.. how would you feel about that?

In my experience with swinging there is a rule that men are not allowed on there own to such events... women are, but not men, they must come with a female partner. I don't know if that is the same in your area, but it might be a heads up.

Being poly I found it difficult not to care about the people I met and met a couple again after the night we met at a swinging party. I found it more comfortable to be with people I know rather better rather than someone I had just talked about the weather with for a half hour.

The lack of communication in the swinging community was difficult for me and it made talking about safe sex difficult too.

Being such a good communicator I prefer the poly option. You sound like a good communicator vintersorg and I wonder what your experience would be to be on your own in such a possibly highly overwhelming environment. Who knows, you may just love it too!!!
 
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