Walking a new path...

I hate this. I hate the fucking up and down emotional roller coaster.

I had plans for tonight. I had a great chat with Pengrah about her and her relationship with Wellington and so as I was getting ready to leave I texted her with "Are you available if he needs you?"

I was ok. I was comfortable in knowing that he had somewhere to turn if he needed to.

And on the way home I'm full of tears. I had fun where I was - but it was like having cookies. They taste good - but are not very nourishing.

I wanted poly because I needed/wanted more.

Now - my dh has someone he's crushing on - and while he's with me - he's WITH me - but I have less - because how much of his time is spent thinking about her, looking forward to being with her... yanno, all that wonderful NRE stuff? But I don't have it.

And then there's the issue that left me feeling so horrible on Sunday night/Monday morning. That issue continues to leave me feeling stigmatized and less than. I don't know how to move past it.

For 3 days now - I"ve had nothing but heavy, intense conversations. Very little fun, light, friendly conversations and I watch everyone around me having those.

So to sum it up, right now....

1. I feel stigmatized. Don't know how to get past that.
2. I am slightly lonely - because not only do I not have another partner, I don't have my husbands full attention either.
3. I need fun. And from those who matter to me most - I'm not getting it.

UGH.
 
It'll get better, MBG!
 
Feeling "off" today.

I had an amazing experience with dh and our play date last night - then we all tumbled into bed and I misunderstood something - there was a lack of communication and I felt once again left out.

Woke up this morning, had a conversation with him about it - and we cleared it up, sorta. His perceptions are different than my perceptions so... BLAH.

Realized today that 13 years ago, I met him - he was with his c/l wife of 12-ish years at that time.

We got together in Feb of 1998 - and 2 weeks after we got together he left his common law wife of 13 years for the woman he was sleeping with.... ME.

Now - he's 12 1/2 years into a relationship with me (married 11 tomorrow!!) and I wonder... does the TIMING off all this have anything to do with my inability to handle this well?

Ah well - I'm not losing my mind today - and I've managed to express my discomfort with something in a healthy way - although he took it defensively... *sigh* gotta love texting as a way of communication :cool:

Tonight is girls night out - tomorrow is my anniversary :D My mom is coming to hang out with us, and my daughter will be there on Sunday. Sunday night I'm supposed to go see Terri Clark in concert. Overall, a REALLY great weekend starting in 10 minutes when my friend picks me up for lunch :p
 
Today is our 11th anniversary.

I woke up from a horrific dream where my husband and I had travelled along distance with our children to visit his family and long time friends. I thought everything was going great, when they all went into a meeting.

When they came out, hubby took me aside and said "this is what's wrong with you. Please change this. I love you and will help you change"

I broke down in tears - crying that I hated this place, I wanted to go home. He stroked my head and held me and said VERY lovingly "I know you do hun. Just make the changes and you'll be happy again"

NOT a good dream.

We had a HUGE fight last night - although by the end of it realized that the fights are shorter, and resolved quicker. If nothing else good happens out of this journey - our communication skills are becoming phenomenal and that will only serve to strengthen us and our marriage.

Get the fight done, we're both ok at the end of it. I go out and get rather drunk. (it was a planned night out with a friend -including the getting drunk part LOL) I get home and we have some REALLY good conversation.

He tells me that the girl we play with casually - he doesn't want to do anything beyond BDSM play with her. I'm in agreeance - now we just have to find a way to tell her -it really has nothing to do with her - but we'd like to still be friends - we enjoy her company.

I asked for a couple things with regards to his relationship that he's going on. Probably not the best timing to ask - but it was on my mind and I needed to get it out. We'll discuss it further as my questions were more of a generality and I need to get some specifics nailed down. But not today :) And I'm pretty freaking ok with that :D Normally I would be pushing for conversation NOW because its swirling around in my head. But I'm good with that :)

We have a full day planned. Shopping, farmers market and my mom will be here later. I want to take the boys "somewhere" for fun hiking/climbing stuff - but as I just watched dh take his pain meds (he has Tramacet he has for when his pain days are REALLY bad) if I want to spend the day with dh, I will have to forgo that. We'll find something fun to do at home I think... :)

Everything is good. Its great. I feel incredibly connected to my husband - and am just really happy today :D
 
Oh wow MBG, I am so glad you are making some progress with W! For some reason I thought you were going camping w Ari and Repepper et al!

I'm glad you and he had some time for sharing playtime with your friend, and had energy and clarity enough to have some good talks as well.
 
I was invited to camping, and if it were just about any other weekend but this one - we probably would have gone.

Sometime in the next couple of days - we are going to have a conversation about what poly means to us, how we want it to look and find the boundaries that we're comfortable with.

I am in a weird sort of space. I think about dating and I wonder how I'll have the energy. Or time. And really... why....? I'd have to get used to someone else's quirks, personality....

Its a really good day for me. I put myself out there on OK Cupid last night - I'll see if I make any connections. If I do, I'll see where they lead - but if I don't... for now, today, I'm ok with that :)
 
I meant to relate a story of something that happened on Thursday night.

I was catching a ride from work to home with a friend so my usual ride left without me. She was running late - so I arranged to meet Ari for a drink before she got there.

I get my co-workers to drive me over.

We pull in - and they ask me who I'm meeting - I tell them and they jokingly say "ohhhhh stepping out on your husband eh?"

I say "No, actually my husband is sleeping with his wife"

WHAT??!?!?!?

I clarify - "Well actually they're not sleeping together yet - but they are seeing each other"

OMG.... I laughed SO hard when I got out of the car... it was FUN :D

There's a saying "Don't scare the vanilla's" Well, I couldn't help but scare them, just a little ;)
 
"Comfort the disturbed
Disturb the comfortable"

That's my motto!
 
Karma and I get great pleasure from taking people out their box. It's a favored past time of ours. I love watching faces as they put the pieces together.
 
"Comfort the disturbed
Disturb the comfortable"

I love that. Who said it? Can I use it?

I didnt know who said it, and had to look it up. It was the title of a 1997 book. A version first appeared 100 yrs ago, in a newspaper article, as, "comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable."

I guess it's up for grabs! Go for it.
 
My dog escaped our yard last night sometime between 1am and 6.30am.

We had put him out for his evening - and then he went after a skunk. Skunk vs dog - skunk wins every time.

It was late, so the decision was made to leave him out for the evening.

I got a phone call at 6.30am by my neighbour - he had escaped.

W went and got him and came back MAD. That's it, he's DONE with the damn dog escaping and doing stuff (that dogs do) and seriously contemplating re-homing him.

And that's when I realized where a major source of my stress comes from.

I told him I needed him to NOT threaten to get rid of the dog every time the dog does something annoyingly dog-like. The dog can't help it. He is just behaving the way he is supposed to. He can't control his instincts.

For a long time in our marriage, we were really volatile. The word divorce was yelled by both parties - the very real threat of ending it because the other was pissed off and didn't want to deal with the behaviour, attitude, fighting, whathaveyou anymore. It stopped 2 years ago when he broke me.

We had been building an amazing wonderful D/s relationship and he threw that word at me again. I had opened myself up to him in ways that I didn't realize I could - and then he threatened to leave me once again.

At that point I told him that if the word was thrown out there - he/I had better be prepared for it - because *I* would make it happen. End of story. My children are not going to grow up wondering if their parents are going to work through shit or if they're going to seperate or what.

We have done a lot of work on our relationship and ourselves in the past 2 years. Regardless of the volatility of our relationship - we always came back together and closer each time. We both brought baggage and issues to our marriage - but the last two years have been awesome/amazing.

Since W started seeing Pengrah, I have lost my mind. I don't know how to handle these emotions (although I'm getting much better) and there have been a LOT of drama/stress filled days and aside from this weekend - not much contentment and peace.

I have been getting amazing support from people on here, from other sites, and from W. But I can't help but freak out... what if I piss him off enough with dealing with this that he's *done* and wants to get rid of the problem?

I realized, with that - that I had been doing the same to him - more than a few times I'd asked him... what if I can't handle it and I ask you to end it? He kept re-assuring me that he would - but I realized that its not what *I* want. I enjoy (when I'm not totally insane about it) the smiles and giggles and great energy he gets from talking to Pengrah. I enjoy his connection with her - because the energy spills over to me. We've had a PHENOMENAL connection when I'm not fucking it up and losing my mind. But my emotions have been out of control because I feel like no one will ever want me.

Everyone I have met recently that I have been interested in has either been NOT interested in me - or interested in my husband only.

I work full time. I put priority on family time. I have other things that I need/want to do as well... when the fuck am I going to have time to date?

So I, in my own insecurity about me and my abilities to attract a potential partner - have threatened his blossoming relationship - and that's not fair to him OR her.

Some very good things have come out of the past weekend. We're both on board that we don't want casual relationships - friendships, yes, but for both of us, we're the long term sort, and sex is kinda tied up in that.

Its been said on these boards a number of times - go at the pace of the person having the most difficulty. So with great trepidation - I made some requests that will slow things down on their end. I feel *somewhat* bad about it - but really - I know my husband would end it if I asked - and if Pengrah isn't ok with the slow down - that tells me that she wouldn't respect our relationship (and as an aside - I totally think she'll be on board with it - she's a very lovely woman) but I need things to slow down. I need there to be some boundaries and *rules* until *I* am comfortable - they need to be there. I don't want/can't have a repeat of last week. I need the rollercoaster to stop.

Its getting better. Made it through the weekend with minimal stress. Most of it manifests itself in panick attacks and upset tummy - but that's been going away quickly.

Its an interesting journey - and one I am still glad I'm on - I just hate the rollercoaster... :rolleyes:
 
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Thanks for posting all of this. I think that you are very brave for doing so. I can understand your trepidation regarding my being "done" with the dog and how that might translate to you. I will work on making my venting a little less spontaneous and a whole lot more thoughtful. I'll try, lol. Darn red headedness anyways :) I am here for you always, my love. I will keep reminding you of that everyday of my life. I am sorry that you are having so much difficulty, I love you and I will keep reminding you of that everyday of my life as well. I am not going anywhere. Sorry, Babygirl, you're stuck with me ;)
 
Karma and I went through a very recent bout of, "what if you get sick of waiting and leave?" It was honestly what helped me finaly say, okay we can start moving forward again. He's been so understanding and supportive. Even when I had no clue why I was upset. I still don't know why. But I realized as I looked back at the last 8 yrs, he could have had a much easier go at life had he left, and he didn't. So why would he leave when I am trying to give him what he wants and needs?

I'd suggest taking a deep breath, try hard not to dwell (I drove myself into a nasty depression doing that), Keep talking. I'm I sounded like a broken record to Karma, but I kept trying to say the same thing a different way until he got it.

And (not saying he doesn't,not saying he does) there comes a time when you have to leave it for your spouse to prove. Karma doing what he said he was going to do, made a HUGE difference in how I responded to things and how quickly I came around. I dwell on things for years. But having the trust in knowing he heard me, acknowledged my needs and is now doing what I asked made all the difference.

Good luck, and maybe the dog ran away for a "reason". I love finding those things placed in our path that gives us that "Ah ha" moment.
 
Yanno when you lance a boil... and everything that comes out is disgusting and toxic and awful? But then its able to heal?

That's how it feels every time I have one of my *moments* All the toxicity, all the poison, is able to come out - the protective cover that allows it to fester has been removed - and then I'm able to heal.

I am so very grateful that he supports me in that - but I am so very sorry about what it costs him. :(

We are heading in a good direction - I just need to heal more.
 
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