Successful Quads?

Lemondrop

New member
Is there anyone from a successful quad who wants to share a blog or tips for what works for them? I'd be sincerely grateful. My poor partner has been searching the internet and only finding blogs of quads who broke up. It's hard on her, and me too. I'd like to see some happiness.
 
I don't know much about quads. I did look up some stuff for triads. The general lore is that they tend to be less stable than vees. I think it has something to do with people changing in relationships. Vees are more flexible than triads. So I think a successful triad is one in which people try to maintain flexibility in their relationship. Let the love and relationship grow stronger or weaker as it is needed.

So my guess is that a quad may be similar. I think if the people can be flexible, it has a greater chance of success.
 
Semi-successful Quad

We've been at it for about 2 years now. It's been a lot of work. Not sure we are a great example...most of us have rather severe mental health issues that would destabilize any relationship, but we are still managing things. I often chat with another quad who has been together about 5 years, they are much more stable.

my blog is private, but if you add me to your myspace page you can view it:

http://www.myspace.com/lovequad
 
Jet,

I see here that you're showing signs of interest in the topic of polyamory, unlike some of the spammers mentioned here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=5530&postcount=3

Welcome to the forum. Please change your "signature" so that it does not advertise commercial web sites.

We are in the process of changing Site Guidelines in order to make explicit which kinds of links are not to be allowed, as it appears that the Guidelines only mention which kinds of site links are allowed.

It is necessary to disallow commercial site links unrelated to polyamory because otherwise our forum would be peppered with "stealth spam" posts, which are not true participation in the forum but only really a form of commercial advertising.

During my tenure here as a moderator of this forum, I've had to zap hundreds and hundreds of spam posts. These disrupt the forum and litter it with virtual trash. I held back in your case because you may simply not be aware of the problem -- and also because our Site Guildelines are inadequate to deal with "stealth spam".

Welcome aboard!
 
JR-Look again, he only copy pasted what Quath wrote.
 
ZYZ...,

Indeed he did! I missed that. Somehow.

This spammer will be immediately banned and his posts erased.

Thanks for the heads up!
 
Even if a thing has never existed in the past, does not mean it can not exist or does not need to exist.

Even if there were a thousand examples of failed quads and were still waiting for the first successful one, it would still be worthwhile to strive to be that first successful one.

That said, there are lots of examples of long term stable partnering of larger groups. Best of luck in finding more of them to exchange anecdotes and advice with.
 
Even if a thing has never existed in the past, does not mean it can not exist or does not need to exist.

Even if there were a thousand examples of failed quads and were still waiting for the first successful one, it would still be worthwhile to strive to be that first successful one.

I completely agree. But I do know that when I'm struggling it can be nice to see that SOMEONE somewhere has succeeded, and it's especially helpful sometimes to see what they did right and what they did wrong.

I don't know, perhaps it increases a sense of fatalism if I know that no one has ever succeeded? (Which is just an example--I've found at least a couple of quads that have lasted a few years) That's an interesting point.
 
But I do know that when I'm struggling it can be nice to see that SOMEONE somewhere has succeeded, and it's especially helpful sometimes to see what they did right and what they did wrong.

I don't know, perhaps it increases a sense of fatalism if I know that no one has ever succeeded? (Which is just an example--I've found at least a couple of quads that have lasted a few years) That's an interesting point.

Here's my question...what defines success in a poly relationship of any dynamic?
 
Here's my question...what defines success in a poly relationship of any dynamic?

Would that answer be different than what defines success in a mono relationship of any dynamic?

I think it's the dynamic that set's the parameter of success, not so much whether it's mono or poly, because within both of those models there are a huge variety of relationship dynamics that can exist.
 
I think it's the dynamic that set's the parameter of success, not so much whether it's mono or poly, because within both of those models there are a huge variety of relationship dynamics that can exist.

You misunderstood my intention, Ceoli. Sorry if I was unclear. This question has nothing to do with mono relationships. I guess you could look at mono relationships simplistically and say a measure of success is happy longetivity.

You are right though..because poly relationships have different dynamics and various goals from lifelong commitments to "casual" friends with benefits it is a very individual thing that defines success.
 
Lemondrop, unfortunately I have no experience or advice to add here regarding quads. I am in a relationship where we are only initially dabbling in a potential V. We've actually commented a few times that "in a perfect world" the man who fell in love with my wife would also be involved so that I would have a companion when they are spending time together. (I struggle with "alone time".) Obviously another person in the relationship would complicate things exponentially, and things are never simply. But also keep in mind that you are apparent living proof that it is possible so far. :)


Here's my question...what defines success in a poly relationship of any dynamic?

Mono, when I read this it reminded me of a conversation the three of us in our currently relationship had this past weekend when we were struggling and communicating and working through a rough patch. Every day/week/month we succeed to keep our relationship working, together and healthy IS SUCCESS. I think there are so many marriages that last 10, 25, 50 years that we are conditioned to base a successful poly relationship in similar terms. But (in my humble opinion) every day that the relationship lasts is a success. Maybe that's a simplistic, rosey view, but that's how I'm choosing to see it at this time.
 
You misunderstood my intention, Ceoli. Sorry if I was unclear. This question has nothing to do with mono relationships. I guess you could look at mono relationships simplistically and say a measure of success is happy longetivity.

You are right though..because poly relationships have different dynamics and various goals from lifelong commitments to "casual" friends with benefits it is a very individual thing that defines success.

Actually, I don't see that much of a difference between mono and poly relationships. I've seen many mono relationships that were not based on longevity, but on a limited time frame. Or monogamous friends with benefits that move on from that when finding another partnership. There is a whole spectrum that goes from casual to committed and everything in between for mono *and* poly relationships.

For me a relationship is successful if I've learned something from it and have somehow come out a better person. And even better if friendships can be maintained.
 
Successful? Well, I guess that includes a few things for me...happiness and not necessarily happy that I have a loving relationship. Am I happy in how we are dealing with things, whether they be good or bad? Am I growing in the journey I'm traveling with someone?

Now, my goal is longevity, I can not say that it isn't. But did I give the relationship everything I had to offer? If I can say yes to that then I think I was successful whether the relationship makes it or not.

Vol
 
I am in a trio that is still young but it works. I have a friend i(a second cousin actually) in British Columbia who lives in a group of five that works well. Her group contains three women, two men and five children. They are all happy but they do not advertise. Perhaps we only hear about the ones that do not work.
 
Tech said:
But (in my humble opinion) every day that the relationship lasts is a success. Maybe that's a simplistic, rosey view, but that's how I'm choosing to see it at this time.

Ceoli said:
For me a relationship is successful if I've learned something from it and have somehow come out a better person. And even better if friendships can be maintained.

ourquad said:
But did I give the relationship everything I had to offer? If I can say yes to that then I think I was successful whether the relationship makes it or not.

And there you have it. :)
 
My hubby and I were in a working quad with another couple for roughly 18 months until I broke up with my boyfriend :( Yes, a very sad few months after that as hubby and his girl worked through it and are continuing to do so, and a happy moment when I introduced a new love into my life. Im now, obviously in a happy MMF V and hubby is in a MFF V.. It seems to be working for us, though I do miss the fact that we had dreams of all living together or near to eachother (they live an hour away) but that wont happen now.

Granted, thats like any relationship that ends now, isnt it?
 
mono's changed?

poly relationships have different dynamics and various goals from lifelong commitments to "casual" friends with benefits it is a very individual thing that defines success.

reading through some old posts, was very surprised to find you saying this mono, and makes me wonder when you changed your mind about what constitutes a poly relationship?

x
 
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