Sex with no feelings or emotions involved

Magdlyn

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Staff member
Seems to me there are a lot of people coming here who have formerly IDed as swingers, but found themselves falling in love with a partner, which then causes jealousy in their primary.

There must be swingers out there who are able to keep emotions out of sex, for extended periods of time. I guess we wouldn't see them here, though. Maybe it is easier for men, who are trained to ignore their emotions almost from birth.

But it seems biology is against those that attempt swinging, FWBs, NSAs, and even unicorn type arrangements. It's well known that having sex with someone causes a release of oxytocin, which is the primary hormone involved in mammal bonding. How can we fight nature?
 
It's more likely that one can convince oneself that one is falling in love with a sex partner when the sex is really good. It is probably the same neurochemical pathway as NRE (dopamine and/or oxytocin) that does this. This would explain why many people think they are "in love" until the "NRE" wears off. It's important to acknowledge that having great sex can sometimes fool us into thinking we are "in love" even if we are absolutely incompatible with someone in other ways that are necessary when it comes to sustaining a long-term intimate partnership.
 
Maybe it is easier for men, who are trained to ignore their emotions almost from birth.

Fucking doesn't require any emotions. It only requires some bit of lust. There's nothing to keep separate many times because there are no emotions present, and we certainly don't have to ignore what isn't present.
 
To me banging some body parts together doesn't require talent or emotion. It's not sexy or life changing. It doesn't offer anything at all any more to me.... I would rather have a good nights sleep than fuck someone I have no emotions for. At least that doesn't cause me to have any unwanted emotions.

I don't get why anyone would want to force themselves to suppress emotions or even find sex without emotion appealing. I used to. It was exciting and made me feel special and exciting to others. I loved the attention and the fact that I was desired, but it was all falsely presented and a lie. I feel lied to that there was no emotion. The trust is gone because of that.

I have been reading about the effect the porn industry is having on sexuality these days... on third wave feminists and where slut culture has come into play.... seems suppressing emotion is alive and well. ;)
 
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There are never blueprints in a relationship.

You can only be yourself. If you go into a relationship thinking you are going to fall in love then you haven't experience life. I have met someone thinking it was love and after 2 years found out that it was lust. Society says you can only love one person at a time but i have been with a person who compliments me in some ways and another person who compliments me but differently with both of them they make you whole. As long as you are true to yourself and open on what you want and handle you have the tools to be open to anything.
 
Fucking doesn't require any emotions. It only requires some bit of lust. There's nothing to keep separate many times because there are no emotions present, and we certainly don't have to ignore what isn't present.

Well, I think you're missing my point. I've had sex with guys who left me cold emotionally. There was no real frisson of excitement, no NRE. I'm not talking here about the difference between NRE and love, I'm talking about the absence of any positive feelings other than an orgasm or 3.

Once the sex is over, the person needs to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation and make me laugh. Doing the dishes after i make him dinner or breakfast is a big plus too. :p

My impetus in starting this thread was to attract former swingers who had the mindset of sex with NO emotions, who then found emotions (love, infatuation, NRE, something intense and exciting) when they'd rather just bump genitalia and go home... but found they were irresistably drawn to a certain person, the whole person, wanting more and more time with them, cuddles, one on one time with no other partners involved.
 
But it seems biology is against those that attempt swinging, FWBs, NSAs, and even unicorn type arrangements. It's well known that having sex with someone causes a release of oxytocin, which is the primary hormone involved in mammal bonding. How can we fight nature?

Care to elaborate on the unicorn type-arrangement? Are there like primarily sex-motivated unicorn arrangements out there :eek:?

Fucking doesn't require any emotions. It only requires some bit of lust.

I sadly pretty much don't come at all if I don't feel passionate about my partner :(. Which would make a worthless swinger. However, even when there is no passion, there can be giving and tenderness which motivates me enough to have sex with someone - for the sake of bonding, sharing, and yes, sometimes just to alleaviate a physical need the other person has. But lust is not my primary motivation those times and I would never do that for just someone, because what I get out of it are precisely those oxytocins and warm fuzzy feelings.

I think there are quite a few folks out in the New to Poly sections with 'OMG, we tried an open relationship/swinging and then shit hit the fan and love feelings happened' :eek::eek::( -experiences. I personally prefer to stay out of 'we can never have an actual relationship, but let's have lots of HAWT sex instead'-arrangements, because frankly, then the sex isn't so HAWT for me anymore.
 
I'm more like Black Unicorn-- if I don't have some type of real connection/passion for a partner the sex isn't satisfying AT ALL and I no longer even go there because I felt rather icky afterward (not because I had casual sex with somebody, but because it seemed "forced"-- like I was trying to make something work that wasn't going to.) Just left a really bad "aftertaste" on the situation.

Doesn't mean I have to LOVE someone-- but I do have to have some type of good feelings for them as a person-- separate from the lusty feelings-- or it just doesn't work for me.
 
Care to elaborate on the unicorn type-arrangement? Are there like primarily sex-motivated unicorn arrangements out there :eek:?

Well, actually, when my ex and I first tried poly, we tried for a unicorn arrgt. This woman we knew, H, was part of a large loose circle of friends we had that we used to meet at jam band music festivals. She was single, and nice. So, she was a friend first, and I fantasized a casual FWB thing, getting to see her at our festivals, or other get-togethers we had with the Deadheads, like maybe share a tent or a room once every few months or something. But H and my ex fell in love, and she turned out to be not interested in me sexually, so it snowballed into something much more important for them, and uncomfortable for me. It felt like it was threatening the fabric of our marriage.

But I do think lots of people look for a "hot bi babe" just to add spice to their relationship, not wanting or expecting emotions to be involved, just a hawt sexual 3way...
 
Sex can be recreational and fun. Although the kind of sex that you mention (the complete absence of feelings) usually happened when I was seriously inebriated...

Hubby and I used to swing. We have had an open type relationship. We have engaged in 3somes and moresomes. It was fun. Just like swimming or skiing or dancing can be fun. But when done - everyone goes home and either there's a personal connection or there's not - but we're all heading back to our lives.

Sex can also be incredibly emotional and connective. I have experienced that "want to crawl up inside you and be part of you" sex with one person - my hubby.

I don't know if there's something inherently WRONG in my brain chemistry - but I don't need love to have and enjoy sex. The two are not intrinsically connected for me. Sex is a phyiscal act that is fun and satisfying.

But what happens between my hubby and I... is much more.
 
That's interesting because my hubs and I did have the occasional threesome, but it was always with people we already KNEW, so there was a connection. With one friend it worked out well because she was a super cool person anyway and she was in tune with both of us. Very fun, but still, like three friends that decided to do something different that day.

One of the others-- not so much. She turned out to be not so interested in me sexually, but pretended to be-- or probably more accurately, was one of those "I kiss other girls to make the guys hot" ladies. The sex was uneven and I got really uncomfortable because of that. Now, had she just been more forthcoming, we could have just tag-teamed hubs and I would have been fine. But it was the "feeling snubbed" part that hurt, and in the middle of a sexual encounter, that doesn't go over so well.

We never really did swinging, though we did go to a swing club once for New Year's Eve. Hubs liked the open atmosphere, however he didn't really want strangers coming up to me, so we learned quickly that wasn't going to be something we could do. We didn't really meet anybody we were compatible with (i.e. would hang out anywhere else) either, so that's probably a big part.

Still... I have to at least LIKE the person, and to do that I have to know them on some level.
 
Seems to me there are a lot of people coming here who have formerly IDed as swingers, but found themselves falling in love with a partner, which then causes jealousy in their primary.

There must be swingers out there who are able to keep emotions out of sex, for extended periods of time. I guess we wouldn't see them here, though. Maybe it is easier for men, who are trained to ignore their emotions almost from birth.

But it seems biology is against those that attempt swinging, FWBs, NSAs, and even unicorn type arrangements. It's well known that having sex with someone causes a release of oxytocin, which is the primary hormone involved in mammal bonding. How can we fight nature?

we have been swining for 4 years. neither of us have fallen for any of our playmates. so im guessing we are that fluke you are looking for. we keep swining recreational and know that we are the ones that we come home to. so far jellous free the whole way.

i believe the reason y you cant find swingers that keep emotions out of it in a POLY FORUM is becuas of just that fact that your in a poly forum. people that end up seeking out this type of forum probably couldnt keep emotions out of the way.
 
people that end up seeking out this type of forum probably couldnt keep emotions out of the way.
Um, sorry, but you seem to be seeing this a bit squewed and are coming off a bit cocky and pompous to me.

Wow, do you think swinging is in some way superior...? HA! :D

You have some nerve saying that here if you believe that to be true! :p

You know you are on a poly forum right? not a swinging one...?

Some people here hold no value to swinging at all, and/or have never done it because there is no appeal to them to participate in sport sex... so to be told that they are in some way a failure because they have emotions when they have sex, is well, just plain rude and disrespectful no? It's like saying someone is inferior because they don't enjoy hockey! :p
 
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Um, I didn't see this post as rude at all. He's just making an observation and pretty much saying the same thing Mags is:

There must be swingers out there who are able to keep emotions out of sex, for extended periods of time. I guess we wouldn't see them here, though.

i believe the reason y you cant find swingers that keep emotions out of it in a POLY FORUM is becuas of just that fact that your in a poly forum. people that end up seeking out this type of forum probably couldnt keep emotions out of the way.
 
hm, maybe your right... It was the "couldn't" that threw me... :rolleyes: In the context of what mags says though it takes on a different meaning... thanks for pointing that out. :)
 
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RP seems to be on the defensive.

@swingers: Thanks for your input, interesting point. It almost seems you are implying it takes work for swingers to keep emotions at bay with their sexual partners. Feelings would arise naturally and precautions must be made to keep the act purely physical and not (naturally, hormonally) emotional.

I found this to be the case with a swinger (T) my gf and I had sex with earlier this year. She was my gf's ex, and they used to swing a bit 10 years ago. T came out and told us that she purposely doesn't kiss other swingers while fucking, because kissing makes her feel those unwanted fond feelings. Oddly, she then proceeded to enthusiastically kiss me, my gf and my other lover that joined us that night. Maybe because she knew we were poly and she wanted to try that on for size. :confused:
 
Um, I didn't see this post as rude at all. He's just making an observation and pretty much saying the same thing Mags is:

thank you Nycindie ;) was just trying to show you the idea from another (open minded) prosepctive.

and no, i wasnt trying to say that swining was supirior. just stating that it takes a special kind of person to be sucessful in it, just as it taks a special type of person to understand and expierence the poly life as well. this world takes all kinds, and none of us are any better than the other. we are all equal... so share the love :)
 
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