Advice on Sex parties and boundaries

I never ever ever said I was an expert on HIV. Someone said HIV was comparable to herpes and I disagreed with that. Her writing came off as downplaying HIV (tho maybe read it wrong) and that worried me.

You didn't read the entire post. I do believe that someone who has never been married, nor in a serious relationship (at age forty) and spends much time going to rock concerts and sex parties is living a youthful (immature) lifestyle. I do believe that having serious, committed long term relationships (and working on creating them) is a way to mature.

Is that too critical? The person mentioned is nice, kind, loving etc. But I can't connect a life of partying to maturity! Sorry.
 
You didn't read the entire post. I do believe that someone who has never been married, nor in a serious relationship (at age forty) and spends much time going to rock concerts and sex parties is living a youthful (immature) lifestyle. I do believe that having serious, committed long term relationships (and working on creating them) is a way to mature.

Is that too critical? The person mentioned is nice, kind, loving etc. But I can't connect a life of partying to maturity! Sorry.


Is that too critical? To many people yes. This is where it gets real. You say you are open minded, part of that is understanding that the yard stick you use to measure your life isn't the only one out there.

I've met some amazing people that I could talk to, were incredibly mature and intelligent and I enjoyed their company immensely! However, they loved going to munches, sex parties, partner swapping, group sex, even had a website based on 'shedonism' and pictures of each other! It didn't make me think less of them if anything it made me feel sorry that I couldn't be that brave. I had to realize that it was NOT a failing in me that I couldn't live that way. It just didn't work for me. It worked for them and they were happy! They didn't feel I was any less for not living that way, (though some comments about being happy to help me explore it came up!), we accepted each other as different and yet both lifestyles valid.

Until you get past this whole thing about people being different makes them less or wrong, open minded is just not a phrase I would use.

This isn't a reprimand, it's something to work on, or not. To accept in yourself, or change. Believe me, one thing you will find on these forums is people getting called out for old and new issues. For things they may not see in themselves. It's pretty much impossible to NOT do some self reflection and work on your own issues in this lifestyle. At least not and do it well. For me, and I'm saying only for me, THAT is real maturity. Being able to take your ego out of it and see what other people are saying. Discover what small or large hang ups you may have and figure out why and how to deal with them or change them. The constant movement forward to being a self aware person.
 
Is that too critical? The person mentioned is nice, kind, loving etc. But I can't connect a life of partying to maturity! Sorry.

I judge someone's maturity by how they take care of themselves (eat nutritious foods, pay their bills, etc.) and how they treat others (nurture their pets and/or children (if they have them), be there for friends when they need help, don't steal & lie, etc). Once those areas are covered, what they do with their own money or in their spare time has nothing to do with their level of "maturity". Are you sure you're not envious that she has arranged her life in such a way to leave more time open for recreation, whereas you may have arranged your life in such a way that leaves you with less time to use for recreation?

You already said she's "nice kind and loving". Is she also responsible? Does she pay her own way, or does she mooch off of others? If the answer is "pays her own way", I suggest you let go of this "immature" perception of her.
 
Last edited:
Finish the articulation, please. It's hard to advise when I do not know what it is you want or what the goal is. Green is mine.

My husband doesn't not plan things for me. (And you would like more of _______? Less of _____?)


He is the kind of person who says I have to work on Saturday (on Friday night). (And you would like more of _______? Less of _____?)


He doesn't pick up after himself. (And you would like more of _______? Less of _____?)


He forgets events ECT. Somehow, however he plans his dates with GF a week in advance. He is extremely respectful of her schedule. This makes in LIVID. (And you would like more of _______? Less of _____?)

It may seem trite or obvious, but part of clear communication is getting to the place of clear articulation of wants, needs, and limits.

So far it's just helping you to articulate the wants into clear executable behavior that you could request he do in deference to you.

He may choose to honor the request. He may not. But before moving to THAT square you could try to better articulate it here to yourself to practice. Then to him. Along with a natural consequence. Not judgemental, not mean. Just plain. Something like --

I would like you to pick up after yourself so that I can sweep without having to worry about trashing things that are important to you. If you do not pick up and your things are on the floor, I will assume they are trash and not important since they are on the floor. Then I don't have to worry then when I sweep.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Before I write, I just want to say many of these things I have asked concretely for. Some have been resolved through his own agency. Other's resolved by him moving into his own room. Other by me being less controlling.


My husband doesn't not plan things for me. (And you would like more of him to actively plan things to do with both my son and I together or separately. Less him waiting for me to plan, suggest things and make sure they are carried out.

He is the kind of person who says I have to work on Saturday (on Friday night). (And you would like more of having th4e full details of what is going on three-five days in advance if the event includes me taking over his work (cooking dinner and keeping our son at night. Less of no knowing two days before an event what time it is, where it is, and whether he can take our child- or will.


He doesn't pick up after himself. (And you would like more of cleaning as he cooks so every dish isn't in the sink and papers all over the counter which he leaves when he is done. Less of _____?)


He forgets events ECT. Somehow, however he plans his dates with GF a week in advance. He is extremely respectful of her schedule. This makes in LIVID. (And you would like more of being attended to his/mine/own calendar. Being proactive. I work at home so I can do most the housework, but it would be great to have someone to say "O that door in stuck, let me fix it!" Or o the lightbulb is out, let me fix it.
 
I would like you to pick up after yourself so that I can sweep without having to worry about trashing things that are important to you. If you do not pick up and your things are on the floor, I will assume they are trash and not important since they are on the floor. Then I don't have to worry then when I sweep.

LOL this reminds me of a story:

My Spouse had a recent hobby (from which they have since moved on) of making camping stoves out of beer cans. The kitchen ccounter was often littered with thin strips of metal, partially-finished or abandoned units, and other miscellaneous debris. I gave Spouse a couple of baskets to use, and every once in a while, I would empty the one with debris, being careful to pick out anything that looked remotely like a work-in-progress. One day, Spouse asked me if I'd seen the basket of beer-can stoves, and I said "I threw out one of them last week, but it looked like it was all trash." Spouse quizzed me more, and I expressed doubt that it had anything "good" in it, but that something "good" might have blended in with the trash and gotten inadvertently discarded. Spouse insisted that it was a basket full of "good" stoves. I said, "well, it wasn't the stuff I threw out; it was definitely full of trash." Spouse kept asking me about the content that "might not have been trash". LOng story short, Spouse believed that I was being disingenuous and that I threw out the "good" stoves out of spite, and was pretending that it was an accident. About a month later, I found the basket of "good" stoves and presented them to Spouse (I had put them somewhere where they would be "safe" and forgot - there were so many piles of that friggin' stuff in a different place every time i looked around, I lost track of how many there were and which ones were which). Spouse became very sheepish, thanked me, and apologized for thinking and acting as if I'd thrown them away deliberately and denied doing so. I said "Don't ever doubt me about something like this again." Every once in a while, I remind Spouse about the "stove incident" when we can't find something and think the other put it somewhere. The end.

I suppose this story is not entirely relevant to the thread, but it is not entirely irrelevant, either. It has nothing to do with poly or non-monogamy, but it does show how two people who fundaamentally get alonng can have each a very different perception of the same situation.
 
Maturity!

Yes. That is fair and cool. I guess I'm not as open-minded as I thought! I do judge people by their responsibility/burdens. I think I should step back and be more accepting. I do think I have a right tho to chose whether to include people in my life.

So, perhaps I need to examine the fact that I think my path is more mature than others. That my qualifications for maturity are not others! I do admit to being very judgmental. I think this comes from a life of being so incredibly judged. I have a very present obvious physical disability - so I have constantly been judged in not getting employment, not being a sexual person, people being surprised I have a child, people calling me retard and so on.

But this is no excuse. What is a way that I could stop judging others (or being jealous of their ease in life ) and still maintain my own qualifications for the people I want to be around (don't feel I have much of a choice b/c my DH picks his own friends, of course!)

I wonder if I can get past judging when I have been so incredible judged my entire life in every possible aspect of my life: Work, sexuality. intelligence, mothering, physical capability and so on..
 
There has t be a middle point. I think asking someone not to judge sex parties is setting the bar pretty high! LOL .. But there has to be, I have to learn the balance between I don't judge/care what others do...but I want my life full of other kinds of people.

Being on here is helping me stretch my boudaries. I AM very sexually conservative. Although poly, I do somehow believe that sex (for me!!) is very intimate. My thing is that I believe you can have that intimacy with more than one person at a time. I regard my intense platonic relationships as equal to my relationship with my husband.

I would actually like to be more accepting of the sex parties. I am still unable to divide between the gay meth scene and "innocent" sex parties where everyone is friends. I would be curious to know others experience with this. I
 
Yes. That is fair and cool. I guess I'm not as open-minded as I thought! I do judge people by their responsibility/burdens. I think I should step back and be more accepting. I do think I have a right tho to chose whether to include people in my life.

We have a winner! :) I really thought you would not be receptive to my post about this, which is what I assume you are referring to. I thought you would say you were being "attacked" again.

So, perhaps I need to examine the fact that I think my path is more mature than others. That my qualifications for maturity are not others! I do admit to being very judgmental. I think this comes from a life of being so incredibly judged. I have a very present obvious physical disability - so I have constantly been judged in not getting employment, not being a sexual person, people being surprised I have a child, people calling me retard and so on.

Do you have CP?

But this is no excuse. What is a way that I could stop judging others (or being jealous of their ease in life ) and still maintain my own qualifications for the people I want to be around (don't feel I have much of a choice b/c my DH picks his own friends, of course!)

You absolutely do have the right to choose who you want to be around, and you are correct when you say you don't have much of a choice when it comes to your husband's friends. HE has a choice, and you have the right to express your concern about someone you feel is a bad influence on him. But you need to be able to put your finger on exactly what he is doing that makes you think his friend(s) is/are a bad influence.

I wonder if I can get past judging when I have been so incredible judged my entire life in every possible aspect of my life: Work, sexuality. intelligence, mothering, physical capability and so on..

You have to WANT to be a better person, and you have to WORK on areas needing improvement. Sometimes, understanding what your issues are is 90-100% of the work. Sometimes, it requires additional help from other sources, such as counseling or therapy.
 
So, perhaps I need to examine the fact that I think my path is more mature than others . . . What is a way that I could stop judging others (or being jealous of their ease in life ) and still maintain my own qualifications for the people I want to be around

The first step is really becoming aware of how often and how harshly you judge others. Not an overall scan that tells you, "I can be very judgmental" but really NOTICING each and every time you do it. We can't "stop" a habit until we look at it and acknowledge it. And often just the seeing of our own habits, without judging ourselves for doing these things, is enough to stop doing it or for it to naturally start going away and not having such a tight hold on how we interact with life. So the best way to start making changes is to develop awareness of our thought process and to be on the lookout, so to speak, for all the instances where we do something.

So, as an example, give yourself three days -- no, make it one full day because 24 hours is probably enough! -- and do this as a game or an exercise: just notice every time you complain about something, either in your head or out loud. That's all, just notice it and see how often you do it. So, when someone says something and you think to yourself some complaint about them, like, "that was stupid," or you're on line at the bank or somewhere and you heave a heavy sigh because it's moving too slowly, know that your thoughts and heavy sighs are complaints, which means you are judging and fighting against how things are going in your life at the time. Complaining about life and judging others can be an addiction! And when you are addicted to that kind of habitual judging and complaining, you're less able to see clearly the reality of a situation, nor to be able to respond appropriately to what life presents to you. So, simply becoming aware is key to getting free of that.
 
Last edited:
Boringguy - Yes. I have CP - do you? : )

Fortunately, I do not. But I recognized the characteristics you described.
 
I personally don't see my CP as unfortunate. It has been a great learning living experience. And I am very happy with my body - despite the fact that I can't roller skate and get tired. I subscribe to 'disability pride." I do think the misconceptions about disability (and prejudices) are very unfortunate. Yes, I have a closed mind! But I see many many people have a closed mind about disability and my anger / judgement is really a reaction to that.

Let on OK cupid, I've had people turn me down or stop writing when they understand I have a minor disability. My attitudes used to be, I'm not hot or good enough. My attitude now is NEXT!

I want to THANK EVERYONE HERE for putting up with my ramblings going in all different directions. It has been enlightening and helpful. I have had an opportunity to really look at myself and opinions.
 
This may be highly controversial but to me saying "fortunately, I don't have CP" is the same as saying "fortunately, I am not a woman, man, Asian, gay' Whatever. The bodily difference isn't the hassle. The hassle is that people judge it.
 
This may be highly controversial but to me saying "fortunately, I don't have CP" is the same as saying "fortunately, I am not a woman, man, Asian, gay' Whatever. The bodily difference isn't the hassle. The hassle is that people judge it.



I suspected that you might take it that way, but i said it anyway because i dd not mean it that way. I feel that i am very lucky to have full use of my arms and legs, and my brain, and that i AM able to roller skate. Funny you should mention that of all things. I happen to be involved with roller derby, as are several other members of this forum. At this time, i am functioning primarily as a NSO (non-skating official - a type of referee), but i do love to skate. I recall one time, at a public session, someone approached me and asked if they could introduce me to this young lady in a wheelchair. Turns out, the person was a PCA and the young lady had CP. They asked if one of the derby people would take Young Lady (yes she had a name - "J") - take J for a spin around the rink because J liked roller derby and the PCA wasn't a strong skater and J wanted to go fast. I said i would be happy to do it myself, and for a few minutes i skated at a moderate pace and talked with J about what it was like to be a referee. Then i said "ok ready to go fast now?" and J nodded, so i started skating as hard as i could, and it was very good exercise for muscle groups that don't ordinarily get used in normal skating motion. After about half a dozen laps, i became worn out, and i brought J back to the PCA only to notice that she had vomited. The PCA cleaned her up and didn't seem to think it was a big deal, but i was MORTIFIED. I didn't notice when it happened, and i didn't know how long i had been pushing J around the rink like that, and whether anyone else had noticed.

Anyway. I still consider myself fortunate to be healthy and fully functional. I do not consider having CP or similar physical conditions the same thing as being a particular race or gender. I realize that any moment something out of my control could happen to incapacitate me fully or partially, and i am fortunate that i make it through every day with my faculties, the ones i was born with, intact. Not likely i will wake up as a person of another race, though. So you see, when i said that i fortunately don't have CP, i was coming from a place of appreciating MY reality as i experience it, not from a place of circumscribing YOUR reality as YOU experience it. Sort of like your attitude regarding sex parties. Does that make sense?
 
Last edited:
Fortunately revisited

One more thing - i use the word "fortunate(ly)" to mean "something that i have no control over". I had no control over being born the way i am, which happens to be without CP or any myriad of other physical or mental conditions that are labeled by society and the medical establishment.

By the same token, you "fortunately" were born with this condition known as CP. it is what it is.
 
I am still not understanding. While you might not mean it, I find your comments ableist. I am healthy too! I have full 'faculties" of my body too. It is just that they are DIFFERENT from yours.

I don't see ableism as comparable to "just one's experience." It means noting that able people are not better or more privileged that disabled people. Your using the words fortunately and healthy are words that mainstream society uses. If you are not ableist why did you say it.

No, people to do wake up gay or black,. The comparison is that people still privedgle being abled over disabled. To me Disability is a social construction. Period. It is hard to use a wheelchair because places aren't accessible. It is hard (not for me!) but for some to get a date because people want a normative body. Yes, it is difficult being disabled, there are all kinds of physical problems that go with that. But, seriously the way society is constructed - to privilege the abled (on of my favorite terms b/c I'm sick of hearing the gays, the disabled, the blacks! How about the whites/the abled) is the real issue.

I may misunderstand but using words like healthy? What does that mean? I am unhealthy because I have CP? uhhhh no.
 
Sperm cannot carry HIV.

HUH? This must be a grammar mistake. I don't understand what you are saying! HIV is carried/transmitted through sperm, vaginal fluid, and blood. How do you think it is transmitted???? I am confused. What I said was I was unsure a pos male could father a neg child (a mother CAN). What do you mean?

I said exactly what I meant. OK. Sex Ed 101. HIV is spread through semen. Semen is not sperm. Semen contains sperm. Sperm cells themselves do not contain the HIV virus.

Sperm washing is a technique that removes the sperm from HIV+ semen and uses them for fertilization.

I judge someone's maturity by how they take care of themselves (eat nutritious foods, pay their bills, etc.) and how they treat others (nurture their pets and/or children (if they have them), be there for friends when they need help, don't steal & lie, etc). Once those areas are covered, what they do with their own money or in their spare time has nothing to do with their level of "maturity". Are you sure you're not envious that she has arranged her life in such a way to leave more time open for recreation, whereas you may have arranged your life in such a way that leaves you with less time to use for recreation?

You already said she's "nice kind and loving". Is she also responsible? Does she pay her own way, or does she mooch off of others? If the answer is "pays her own way", I suggest you let go of this "immature" perception of her.

Well said.
 
I said exactly what I meant. OK. Sex Ed 101. HIV is spread through semen. Semen is not sperm. Semen contains sperm. Sperm cells themselves do not contain the HIV virus.

Yes. I know LOL. I realize that's what you meant last night. Sorry! Duh on my part! I knew it was a language thing. I was stupidly meaning actual sperm to mean the whole thing.
 
Just read the whole thread.

Might I make a comparison?
When you take umbrage to the 'healthy' vs 'unhealthy' -I understand. I would identify myself as 'healthy' albeit I have ADD and SAD and a metal plate at my C6-C7 disk that limits mobility. However-by medical definition these are health issues.

Likewise-I take umbrage with your use of the term 'immature'.
My sister is 36 years old. She lives alone. She had pets, but they have passed on. She has a boyfriend, he lives with his wife and children.

By your definition, she's immature.

Hiwever, your definition doesn't take into account the fact that at 16, when I got pregnant in highschool, she took it upon herself to be a second mother to my daughter. Together we raised our now 21 year old daughter, who definitely experiences both of us as mothers.
My sister did at least half of all Dr. Appointments, bedtime routine, school work, parent teacher conferences, dental appts etc. she paid half of the expenses and continues, as I do, to support our daughter emotionally in her adult life. We were both there at her side when her first child was born.

You see-my sister CANNOT have children. Her opportunity to pursue a 'serious' relationship was deferred, so that she could devote her life to mothering a child not born to her. THEN-to the subsequent children. She has worked full time since 15 years old, raised children, enjoyed pets, enjoyed grandchildren and been in love. She's watched friends die, she helped raise 3 younger siblings...
She has taken time to learn about hersellf, including her disabilities and as the ONLY person in our whole extended family who is not ADD, she has learned how to support us with our Issues as well.
She is anything if not mature. She is fact one of the most spiritually mature, intellectually mature, socially mature people I know.

There is MUCH to be learned crom thise who are unlike us. I would urge you to seek out further understanding of how your words are marginalizing those people who are different than you-just as I am certain(based upon your post) you would appreciate others learning how their words marginalize you.

;)
 
Back
Top