looking for a little help

roseyt

New member
A gentleman and I have been involved with each other for about five years now. He recently started to see a lady that has been in our lives a few years back and it all ended poorly on everyone's part.
He told me that he recently went and visited her in TN. He said she asked about me and if we saw each other. His response was that we had seen each other twice since I had come back from traveling for little but did not inform her that we are still very much involved in each others' lives. From talking to each other every day, sleeping with each other, he still has my car and one dog, I felt he should of informed her of all this and he didn't.

I told him I wanted to call this lady and see how she is and inform her myself of everything that is still going on in our "friendship". He got upset and told me I wasn't allowed to call her. Grant it this lady told both of us that she didn't want us in her life any more but alas here we are three years later.

Should I make him tell her where we are at with each other or should I make the connection via phone, email? I am currently in PA so I can't see this lady in person.

A little help/advice?
 
How are you actually feeling about him having this lady back in his life? What rules/boundaries do you have in place? Some people have rules that apply to ex's - I am just asking - we don't. People are generally "exes" for a reason - have any of those reasons changed?

Do you actually have the contact info for this woman? Or would you be dependent on him to provide this? Is there any provision in your relationship with HIM where he has the right to deny that you talk to anyone that you want to? If so, did you agree to this?

It would be helpful, if we are going to be of assistance, to know what transpired previously that caused things to "end poorly on everyone's part". (i.e. did the three of you try to make a "triad" that would have been better off as a "Vee"?)

To me, it sounds like he is feeding her "lies of omission" (technical truths which don't answer the spirit of the question) - which makes me suspect that he is not being entirely honest with you either.

While I do not insist on meeting my metamours, if they are uncomfortable, it is a "red flag" to me that he feels that he is in a position to "allow" you to deny you permission talk to whomever you want. (Do you have a d D/s dynamic that you haven't revealed?)

JaneQ
 
Something is rotten in Denmark ..
 
while I understand your need to "inform" her of just how important you are to him. But the way you word it feels more like a cat pissing all over its property to mark its territory and ward off other cats.
 
This gentleman and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend but have been very close intimate friends for sometime now. We had lived with each other for three out of the five years of being involved. Also have been financially, emotionally and physically dependent on each other for most of our time together.

I do have to admit when I found out that he had visit her my heart just dropped. I said anyone but her. There was a lot of drama caused by this attempt at a trio between work, home and friends. Nothing really felt secure during this time for me and I was in a huge depression to the point where I could not get out of bed and then was asked to be open to a trio when I was no where mentally or emotionally able to do.

I do have this lady's contact still and right now I am more curious on just how she is these days. In the past my guy friend wasn't being very upfront on many topics with both of us ladies and I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page this time around.

I have a feeling he isn't being entirely honest with me but I am just hoping he is.

I also just felt conflicted with the fact he told me I wasn't allowed to call her. He has no significant power over me yet I am afraid of jeopardizing our friendship of this.
 
This gentleman and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend but have been very close intimate friends for sometime now...
I have a feeling he isn't being entirely honest with me but I am just hoping he is.

I also just felt conflicted with the fact he told me I wasn't allowed to call her. He has no significant power over me yet I am afraid of jeopardizing our friendship of this.

There is a lot of confusion in what you are saying. I'm having difficulty actually figuring out where the root problem is - because there seems to be so much past drama and current lack of trust and respect.

You don't respect him and suspect he is lying to you and her
He doesn't trust her and doesn't think she can handle the truth
He doesn't want you to interfere in his life and probably doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth either
Who knows what is going on with her... I'll bet she doesn't trust either of you​

Seriously, it sounds like none of you have even an ounce of respect for the other. Have you considered just moving on from this relationship and maybe getting some therapy about your trust issues (if that's what it is, I honestly can't tell).
 
This gentleman and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend but have been very close intimate friends for sometime now. We had lived with each other for three out of the five years of being involved. Also have been financially, emotionally and physically dependent on each other for most of our time together.

This sounds very odd to me. You call him a gentleman, not a boyfriend, and yet you have been to all extents and purposes sharing each others lives?

This has a very strange vibe to it....
 
The bottom line in my opinion is this:

We as people only have the ability to change and/or control ourselves.

You can choose to deal with the situation or not.
But you can't make him do things your way and he can't make you do things his way.

Whether you call her or not-is your choice.
Whether he likes it or not-is his choice.

It LOOKS LIKE he is lying to AT LEAST one of you.

** as someone who lied, had an affair and totally fucked over my husband with my current boyfriend-and then managed to get my head out of my ass, clean up my act, force myself to be honest with myself-thus allowing me the ability to be honest with anyone else; chose to then be fully honest with my husband & boyfriend (and the rest of the world for that matter)**

I would say-walk away.

BECAUSE-someone who is lying (by omission or otherwise) to one of you-is lying first to themselves.

It doesn't really matter what the relationship between you is. Clearly-its bothering you.
 
Why do you want to call her? Simply so you can tell her how close you guys are? Why? To show off?

Think about this: if the guy you are seeing was worth your effort, if you are an important part of his life, shouldn't he of mentioned you to her? Isn't that the real issue? The fact that he is concealing your relationship? I've said elsewhere that it isn't, or shouldnt be, your job to ensure your partner's other relationships do not devalue or impede on your relationship with them. They should be capable of being ethical using their own initiative.
 
You could get clear on these points:

  • Is he asking you to participate in a "V" arrangement with him as the hinge and you and her as the "V arm" people?
    [*]If so, what KIND of "V" arrangement is he offering you and asking you to participate in?
    • One where he is asking you to help him to keep her in the dark about you?
    • Or one where all players are on the same page and are in full awareness before entering into polyshipping?

You have every right to review every offer/invite to polyship to make sure it is healthy for you and meets your own wants, needs, and limits.
If he's offering you a less than healthy sounding offer to you? You have every right to say "Nope. I am not willing to participate. Thanks but no thanks!"

I also just felt conflicted with the fact he told me I wasn't allowed to call her. He has no significant power over me yet I am afraid of jeopardizing our friendship of this.

How "friendly" is it of him to inspire a climate of fearfulness in your "friendship" with him? You are free to call whoever you wish. You could tell him you do not appreciate him trying to limit you freedom to talk to whoever you want to talk to.

Your desire to check in with your ex-meta to see if bygones are really bygones before attempting a new polyship with these players...

  • ADDS or TAKES AWAY from potential conflict and misunderstanding?
  • Is you looking out for your own well being? yes/no?
  • Is you looking out for the success/well-being of potential future polyship and the well-being other players? yes/no?

His desire to forbid you to talk to her...
  • ADDS or TAKES AWAY from potential conflict and misunderstanding?
  • Is him looking out for his own well being? yes/no?
  • Is him looking out for the success/well-being of potential future polyship and the well-being other players? yes/no?

Should I make him tell her where we are at with each other or should I make the connection via phone, email?

Could BOTH plan call her separately?

He could deal with the (Him + Her) tier of the polymath to try return to right relationship with her for the lie of omission and whatever else in the past.

You could deal with the (you + her) tier of the poly math to try return to right relationship with her from whatever in the past.

So that the potential new future polyship of (you + [him) + her] could begin and function well and in right relationship. (If this is something all 3 of you actually want to build together. Maybe you don't want to.)

If he's worried you talking to her would "out" him in a lie of omission? You could point out that he could ask you if you are willing to wait a few days and give him opportunity to own it and clear it up himself (since he created this) before YOU call her to ask your own questions and find out bygones are bygones with her before starting to talk about building a new polyship here with these players.

Taking responsibility for his own conduct tather than "forbidding" you to talk to a person you might be polyshipping with in future and preventing you from sorting past things out for yourself with her. Jeez!

Again...could be discerning and tread carefully. Could only accept healthy offers, and could begin as you mean to go on if you decide to begin at all.

You could always say "No!" to less than healthy sounding offers to polyship.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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