Wide Awake

Sounds like you showing up did your spouse some good. And because of you doing that, it did your marriage in turn some good. Even you just being there and showing up to be counted. PRESENT for roll call even if you mind struggles to stay present where it finds things yucky. You do not enjoy being vulnerable and dealing in "feeelings" and yet you are still there doing it for you, him, and marriage.

Look at where it seemed to lead to next?

And what you write most recently:


You remind me of the quote in "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett.

"It might, or might not, have helped Anathema get a clear view of things if she'd been allowed to spot the very obvious reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It was for the same reason that people in Trafalgar Square can't see England."


Your marriage (and its needs) is bigger than you (and your needs.) You are in the marriage. But the marriage is bigger than you.

Can't always be looking at if from "tree level" tree by tree. Gotta move up to the balcony view sometimes and learn see if from the "forest" angle.

Maybe thinking about that perspective could help you when you are feeling ugh or down?

Galagirl

I am glad it did him some good. It did me no good. It might have done wonders for my marriage, but if I am just showing up and not even mentally there, it makes me wonder how much good is actually being done?

My mind did not just struggle. It was not there at no point. For two hours, I checked out. I was thinking about what needed to be done at work, how much I did not want to be there, and just how irritated the whole thing was making me. When questions were asked, I barely answered. I nodded to show that I heard what was being said, but I did not actually listen to what was being said. When I am that distracted, I am no good to anyone around me. It is like repeatedly saying, "Huh" or "What," when someone asks a question multiple times.

My marriage is bigger than me and my needs, and yesterday, its needs faded into obscurity and blackness. I cannot say today is much better. I needed not to be there yesterday, but I showed up to be accounted for. I think I would have done better playing with my phone, filing my nails, or just leaving after attendance had been taken. That is about how useful I felt. Seriously, it was bad.

The quote is very true. It might help to think about things from that perspective. Thank you for that. :)
 
con·di·tion·ing (kn-dsh-nng)
n. Psychology
A process of behavior modification by which a subject comes to associate a desired behavior with a previously unrelated stimulus.


I'd say you are very much in the conditioning phase at the moment. Expect to be sore and feel like quitting. As you become stronger, so will you become better able to resist fatigue. Breathe well. Take breaks. Stay hydrated. Hang in there, Ry.

Thank you. I just feel like quitting, and though we are still in the discussion process of whether to continue or take a break for our search efforts, mentally, I have already quit counselling. I have officially checked out. Yesterday was proof of that. I am trying to hang in there, but there is a reason why I have never trained for marathons or anything of the sort. My stamina and conditioning are never up to par, and that is precisely how I feel right now.

The good news is we are checking out new therapists the first week of June, so we will be winging it for the next month. I hope we do not do any more damage, if we decide to take a break for awhile. He is more than welcome to continue. I will not be there, though.
 
Check-In

Today was a MUCH better day than every other day this week. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to stay down and out.

My hubby and I have a tradition that dates back to the first week that I met him. Since we have known each other, he has sent me flowers every week. Today was the lucky day, and I must say that they could not have come at a better time. They made me smile and put me into excellent spirits.

I got off work fairly early today. 10-4 is a lovely schedule. Too bad every day is not like that. When I got home, Matt was already there. He greeted me a hug and a kiss. I am not even big on hugging, but it was exactly what I needed. I needed that physical touch, and I appreciated it more than ever. Our children were still out with their nanny. We talked while I was in the shower. After I got out, we watched this show. The name has escaped me, but it was nice to just cuddle, talk, and enjoy being around one another. He even asked me out tonight. Yesterday's date was kind of clouded by my sadness, so I felt like we needed a re-do. He beat me to the punch, but that is okay. It was nice to have that alone time.

Our children and their nanny came in minutes before 6. We spent time listening to my daughter talk about her day, what they did, and playing with our son. I love when he snuggles up against me and plays with his feet. It takes very little to make him happy.

I had a cup of tea with her while Matt was playing with our children. Her sense of humour is the best. She has become a dear friend, which is why she is coming with me and my best friend to see Beyonce tomorrow night. :D I love that my children get on with her with ease. She is a wonderful woman, and I love her to pieces. She is an angel in our lives, and I am so grateful that she is moving with us.

We left them downstairs playing, so we could dressed. It actually did not take me that long. Surprisingly. We left a bit before 7:30 in order to make it to the show we were going to see. After the show, we went to this restaurant. We like no frills. I hate those overpriced, bourgeois restaurants with foods that are just disgusting. I will take a burger and fries any day over duck foie gras and other nastiness. The restaurant was a soul food themed place. (We went to the Superbowl, and the food in New Orleans was unlike anything we have ever tasted. I fell in love with the food.) The place that we went to had fried catfish, fried chicken, and gumbo. I was a happy woman. :D

After dinner, we left to go home since the second half of our evening was not slated to begin until after midnight. The actual show starts at 1. We made it back around 10:30, and we did our nightly routine with our children. It did not take them long to go to sleep.

They are sleeping peacefully, and I am getting dressed. Matt is downstairs with two of our mutual friends. They are joining us for a wee hour venture at the The Box. The last time I went it was...:eek: There is a reason why cameras are not allowed!

My best friend is flying in tomorrow, so I am in super happy spirits for the weekend. I am working for a few hours tomorrow morning and Sunday morning. Tomorrow night will be ladies night at the Beyonce concert. Matt will be off at a stag do. Sunday is reserved for family.

I am much better today than I was yesterday. I was down and out for sure. I actually was the first half of the day. I found myself blinking away tears a couple of times. I bounced back and kept it together. I am not sure what was wrong, but I guess everyone is entitled to days of sadness.

Here is to a great weekend with lots of love, relaxation, family time, laughter, memories, and good times! :D

I hope everyone who reads this has an excellent weekend, too.


Ry
 
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Just checking in to wish you well and let you know I am still following your story. :)
 
Just checking in to wish you well and let you know I am still following your story. :)

Thank you, Kevin. Your support is truly appreciated. I hope all is well your way. :)
 
Same as Kevin - glad to see some positives amongst the gloomy stuff lately. :)

Thank you. The positives are welcome for sure and were definitely needed!
 
Morning, morning, morning!

Today is a wonderful day. Well, the whole weekend has been wonderful. It started yesterday. I worked the first few hours of the morning. My best friend, her husband, and their two children arrived an hour earlier than expected, but it worked out because of the traffic. We invited them over for brunch, and it was nice. Our husbands left, and our respective days started. We agreed to meet at 6 for a pre-concert dinner.

Brit and I did some shopping, had lunch, and high tea. It felt good to talk about everything, and I always appreciate her perspective. We had a chocolate themed high tea before dinner, which is ideal for a chocolate lover.

I headed home to get dressed for dinner. Dinner was great for many different reasons. Our children were there and making everyone laugh. The food was excellent. All seven courses!

After dinner, we said our good-byes for the time being. They had a stag party to attend. Our children stayed with my sister. My nephews asked for them to come over, and I agreed. Si, Brit, N.J. (our nanny), and I left for the concert. We arrived as Beyonce's opening act was on the stage. I have to say that Beyonce is amazing live. We were close enough to smell her perfume. I can appreciate and respect hard work. She gave 150%. I enjoyed the entire 2.5 hour experience.

The concert ended a little around 11. We called to check on our children. I was texting Matt all night. I found myself missing him. We ended up going out for drinks and dancing. I am not big on alcohol, but I do love dancing. It is something about dancing close and feeling the heat of people around you. That connection is always interesting.

We all retired around 2:45. I got home around 3ish. Matt was already at home, and our children were sleeping. He hugged me when I walked in. The kiss we shared was the kind of kiss that told me he still wanted me. It was different. More passionate and intense. I hated to break from it, but I wanted to take a shower because I had been around so many people. We took a shower together. Water, steam, and passion lead to the start of the most beautiful morning. What started in the shower did not end there. I think I took the desire for that connection with him for granted. I was reminded why I loved it so. It was the soft kisses placed on my inner thighs and the way he trailed his fingertips down the plane of abdomen. Something familiar felt brand new. I appreciate the time taken to drive me to distraction, too. Bringing me to the edge and then stopping. It was like beautiful frustration. After, I was exhausted. My body was taken to new heights. I curled up against him and went to sleep. I slept peacefully.

When I woke up a few hours ago, he was awake and still holding me. Another session ensued. I was in control. He could look but could not touch. I like being in control. ;)

We took a shower together and got dressed. Our children were up. We ate breakfast with them. There was lots of flirting. When we walked into the kitchen, he was kissing my neck and whispering in my ear. It did not stop when I answered Brit's call. He reminded me that it was not over just yet. Such a tease.

Now, we are out with our friends and children. I was so shocked when he reached to hold my hand. I am loving the PDA. I left him to get some boba like right down the street. I was waiting on my order, so I pulled out my phablet and decided to update.

I know taking a break from counselling is likely not advised, but I think it might help us. We have to learn how to face our problems, but we are also not trying to fix all of them on our own. We are communicating better and more effectively. Mistakes are expected, but we are learning from them and growing. I love that he is talking to me about how he feels little by little. Baby steps, right?

Things with Si are going well. We talk every day. She was at the concert with us last night and even joined us for drinks/dancing. I am happy that we are working on our friendship and growing from our experiences, too. Admittedly, we both made mistakes, but as long as we are learning from them and trying to do better, I believe it will be okay. Brit asked if we were going to get back together. For the time being, healing our friendship is taking precedence over the relationship. I am still in love with her, and if this meant to be, it will work out.

I am not pushing for Matt to accept Si as anything. That is his call to make. I will support him in whatever he decides. He has agreed to meet with her on Thursday. Our children are the only thing that are not up for discussion. I know there is bad blood between them, but I do think they need to get everything out in the open. He agreed to this with a few stipulations. She agreed as well. I am not expecting a miracle, but I do hope they each feel better after talking. I do not expect them to hug or be anything more than civil. He has boundaries. Just like her.

I am back with the group, so I am off again. Enjoy your Sunday and relax before getting back to work tomorrow!

Ry

*Excuse any typos. Autocorrect is not my friend.
 
Glad to hear things are going well. :)
 
Nightly Check-In

Today was great. After this morning's post, Brit and I had some more bonding time. We ended up spending three hours in men's sections in various stores with our husbands. I still have no idea what they were looking for. If I never see another section of menswear, it would not be too soon. Matt said, "There are no grown men clothes to be found." The things he says can only be classified as Matt-isms.

We grabbed lunch at Nobu with Brit, her husband, and their children before we took them to Stansted. It was nice to just talk and laugh with old friends. I enjoyed our one night extravaganza, and I look forward to seeing them again next weekend, when they stop over in London, before they head back home next Sunday. I hope they enjoy their holiday.

Matt and I talked the entire drive back into London. It was an hour's drive. When we got back into London, we headed to Waitrose with our children. Grocery shopping is never an in and out trip when our children are with us. I tend to like to go by myself, so I can stay within budget. When Matt and our children join, the budget doubles. I should have known that. I am glad we did it today instead of another day, though.

We put the groceries up together and talked while we did. I love our random chats now more than ever before. We also worked on dinner together. There was a lot of flirting, neck kissing, and touching going on. I like the light-hearted side of our marriage, and I have missed that terribly. Dinner was great, and dessert was already taken care of. We had picked up a strawberry and champagne cake earlier in the day. We shared a piece and some ice cream while we cuddled and watched a movie with our children.

After the movie, it was bath and bed time for the little duckies. I stayed in her room until she went to sleep. I walked into my son's nursery, and Matt was rocking him to sleep after he finished his bottle. We ended up singing him to sleep. I love our random little songs that end up making perfect sense because we play off of each other. Those moments remind me why I love being a mum so much.

Once he was sleep, we headed downstairs to work on the laundry. I dislike laundry because it never seems to end. We just finished a short while ago. He is in his office, and I am conditioning my hair before I do my blowout. I am watching some mini doc called, "A Girl's Guide to 21st Century Sex." The things that come on the telly.

I am feeling considerably better and more at ease. I woke up Friday morning determined to take a mental break from all of the constant anguish in our lives. I feel like we are back to living and not just going through the motions of life. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know that the past three days have been a vast improvement over the past nine weeks.

I texted Si at various points during the day. We video chatted before she went to bed. Our friendship is improving and getting better. We have a tentative lunch date scheduled for some point this week. I have no idea how the exchange with Matt is going to go, but she seems hopeful that it may help to resolve some of the tension between them. I have no idea how she feels towards him or towards his ill feelings against her. It is not something that has been discussed in great detail. I did not want to push it, but I am here to listen whenever she decides to open up and talk to me about it.

I am off to finish my blowout and get ready for work in the morning. Monday's are never slow! Good night and enjoy the rest of your Sunday's or the start of your Monday's.


Ry
 
When Matt and our children join, the budget doubles.

:D That used to be us, but my husband is getting better and the kids now beg to let them stay in the car with their video games. Sending him to the big warehouse store by himself was never a good idea. I think he actually thought our freezer was really a tardis. He will still come home with too much junk food or frozen stuff, while I splurge on a better bottle of wine or such.
 
:D That used to be us, but my husband is getting better and the kids now beg to let them stay in the car with their video games. Sending him to the big warehouse store by himself was never a good idea. I think he actually thought our freezer was really a tardis. He will still come home with too much junk food or frozen stuff, while I splurge on a better bottle of wine or such.

I can go in the store and stick to the list of five things. When they are with me, it suddenly becomes, "We need this, this, oh and this, too." I do not keep close tabs on what is at home unless I am looking for it and realise we do not have it. I am taking their word and trusting that. Bad idea every time.

I never send Matt to the store. I used to, and he would come back with everything BUT what I asked for. I just have to look at him, laugh, and roll my eyes.
 
I have had some interesting thoughts the past few days. I guess it would help to start with how I came to be non-mono and how I came to the realisation that pansexual fit better than run of the mill bisexuality.

First, I always identified as a lesbian. Matt was and to date is the only male I have ever been with. When my school mates were talking about the cutest boys in our class and all this and that. I was looking at our female classmates. It stirred something within me. I can remember experimenting with two of my close friends. One who lived right down from my house, and the other lived one street over. We were in the same year, and my neighbour was one year lower than us. This was around age 10. We used to touch each other and stuff. It felt right. I thought it was a phase, but when I started dating five years later at 15, I only dated other girls. I was friends with males, but I was not attracted to them at all. I had no problem with being around them. Some of my best friends today are males.

I knew that being exclusive to one person was not my cup of tisane. I was always honest with people. It felt right to be ethically non-monogamous. At that point, poly was not what I called it. Non-monogamous still fits better today.

I met Matt right before I turned 19. I met him by chance encounter. He was a family friend of some of my paternal relatives (namely cousins), but at that point, I had no contact with them, so I had no knowledge of him. We locked eyes as I was walking in. We were flirting the entire night. I remember dancing, and he was standing by the door watching me. I passed by him in the hall, and the chemistry was explosive.

At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers. We were supposed to go out and continue the celebrations, but we ended up talking on the phone the entire night. I was immediately drawn to his personality and charm. I knew we would be great friends. I was sexually attracted to him, but that was a foreign concept because I had only been involved with females. I was not listening to my hormones.

We spent 11 months building our friendship and feelings progressed naturally. I fell in love with him, and it was a welcome experience. I am so grateful that we took our time and did not rush. I was courted like a lady. I was shown that chivalry was not dead. When I would excuse myself from the table, he actually stood up. Arriving at a restaurant? Opened car doors. He helped me step over puddles if there was one, pulled out chairs, kissed my hand, sent me flowers every week, wrote the most beautiful letters, etc. I had my friends buzzing in my ear. "Men like that are from a dying breed. When some men do those things, they want something." He did not. That was just how he was raised. We established a bond that still defies all logic. He broke down who I was pretending to be and showed me who I really was. As cliché as it sounds, he did contribute to me being a better person. He raised the bar and made me want to up the ante.

I found out about pansexuality awhile later, and it was like, "That is ME." Bisexuality just never fit perfectly. It implied that I was intentionally playing for both teams, when I had met this person with no intention of anything romantic happening. Once it did, I could not explain it. I never care about Matt's gender. I fell in love with everything about him and who he was as a person.

I saw Si for the first time in March of 2000 at a party. We exchanged "hello's." I officially and formally met her in May. I was properly introduced by a mutual friend. I remembered her because I was instantly drawn to her. I am sure it would never be advised, but I started two relationships in a short time frame. I was attracted to her, and I wanted to know more. By this point, Matt already knew I was non-monogamous. It was sort of like the transition from theory to practise. He always knew I was, but for almost a full year, it had been just the two of us. I think he probably got used to that. Being in NRE with me probably blinded him to anything outside of that love bubble.

Matt and I became a couple on 11th May 2000. We are celebrating this weekend. Si and I became a couple on 24th June 2000. Matt proposed in 2001. We got married in 2002. The rest is history.

Si actually believes in non-monogamy, too. When I met her, she had ended one of two relationships that she was in. The other ended a few months after we got together. (It was none of my doing.) I am good friends with that ex, and we see each other all the time. For her own personal reasons, she opted not to have another primary or serious partner outside of me. She did have tertiary partners over the first few years, who I knew and had met. She ended all of those, and I never asked why. The option for her to have another primary was there until she asked me in 2006 if we could close with the option to discuss if feelings changed in the future. That did not change until 2012 when she became romantically involved with Matt. To this day outside of time reasons, I do not know why she wanted to close our polyship. I respected it, though.

At times, I feel like I am not cut of the same non-monogamous cloth. I look at some people like how in the hell do you have time to be a parent to younger children, balance a quad, balance a triad with your spouse, and have other relationships, too?

These thoughts came about when I realised how hard it was to integrate the way my life used to be with the way it is now and with Matt's life. Matt took up hobbies and what-nots to fill the time when I was off with Si. When my relationship with her ended, I found myself with a shit load of extra time. It actually saddened me on those nights when I was sitting at home with just our children, and he was out continuing with those activities. Before, I had date nights, so we were both doing something. The shoe was on the other foot, and it made me sad. I realised just how much I was gone and why he said what he did during the first session or two. He said something to the effect of only getting 20, 30, or x % of me and my time and the other 70-80% went elsewhere like my career, our children, my own hobbies, and my relationship with Si. I was looking through rose coloured lenses, so I did not see what he meant at first. Then, I thought about my schedule. I wake up around 5:30 and leave home around 7:45 AM, and I return anywhere from 5-9. Sometimes later. Imagine if I had a date scheduled for 7:30 on an 6 PM night. The time at home had to be divided between my children and my husband. There was no guarantee he would be awake when I got home either.

This is partially why I felt so selfish in the beginning. I realised just how lonely I felt when he was gone, and I would imagine he might have felt the same way. I felt a void. The one person I wanted to be around was out doing what he wanted, while I was sitting at home sometimes alone. To some, meeting with friends or having another relationship would be enough to fill that void. For me, that was not the answer. I wanted to be around my husband, and there was no one else I even wanted to be around more than him during some times. Those people would have been place holders.

Once we talked about it, and he knew my feelings, he changed his schedule, so that we are at home together more. He still has his hobbies. He still gets to go to the gym for two hours. He still gets to go have a beer with his friends. He just checks in with me to make sure I am feeling okay with it that night and always asks if he needs to reschedule if I need some time with him. We make a special point to eat dinner as a family every night. After that, he is free to leave to do whatever he wants. I just ask that he text me to let me know that he is okay and a rough estimate of what time he will be home. He usually tells me, and sometimes I even stay up so we can talk before bed or watch the telly. I like to cuddle with him, have a glass of wine, or just unwind before we head up to bed.

Thursday's are now "our" days to do whatever we want. Going to the cinema, spending the day with our children at the aquarium, romantic lunch for two, spending a day at the park and having a picnic, etc. Whatever we desire. It used to be counselling day, but since we are taking a break, we have tweaked it a bit. We are also setting time aside to just talk and address any issues before resentment builds. Things are much more balanced and slowly levelling out.

I am happy with the progress we have made. We have been utilising the communication skills learned in counselling. We talk to and not at each other. To make sure I am listening and heard the right things, I repeat it back and/or form a question based upon the information just given. It has helped. I hope we can continue to move forward. He seems to be softening towards certain things. I think Matt just really needed to be heard and shown that he is important to me. He is much more relaxed and kind of going with the flow now.
 
Up until this point, our daughter was unaware that Si was not moving. We did not want to tell her that, yet. Why make a bad situation worse? The time was just never right. We finally told her this morning, and she did not take it well at all. In fact, our nanny said that she was in her bedroom with her door closed most of the day. She checked on her to make sure she was okay, but at this age, it is normal to want some degree of privacy. She had to convince her to eat lunch and to leave the house this afternoon.

She wanted to know why. I tried to explain it, but she is in the "why, how, what" stage. Her response, "But she is part of our family." That just made it even worse. I asked her, "What does family mean to you?" Her response was, "People who love you." She went on to list people like me, her father, her little brother, grandparents, our nanny, and yes, Si.

Si is coming over later this week to talk to Matt. They managed to come to an agreement of terms and stipulations, so it is going on. While she is visiting, she said that she does not mind talking to her. I think the three of us need to talk to her. I am going to run this idea by Matt when he gets home. I hope he does not shut it down like other things. Our child's happiness should be important to him. Especially since he saw how upset she was this morning.

I underestimated how upset she was going to be. I was thinking more along the lines of, "Oh, children are resilient, and she will bounce back." I believe this is why I was initially in full support of LDP or long-distance parenting. I wanted to allow them to still have contact. I was more than willing to let Si be involved in every aspect from the teacher's name to video chats to sending birthday cards to letting them talk every day. Unfortunately, my hubby was not quite okay with this idea, so it is not going to happen unless he changes his mind in the near future.

I have to finish cooking dinner. Maybe I can get her to open up and tell me what all is bothering her. I hate to see her blue.
 
I. Told. You. So.
 
Sorry to hear she did not take the news well. I didn't realize she hadn't been told. I still have hope that she'll be okay eventually, but she needs time to process this blow.
 
Sorry to hear she did not take the news well. I didn't realize she hadn't been told. I still have hope that she'll be okay eventually, but she needs time to process this blow.

The time never seemed right. With everything that was going on, I wanted to hold off until everything had settled down. I know she will be okay in time, but right now she is not happy and wants answers. The conversation I had with her just made her ask more questions. She thinks Si is not moving because of something she said or did or because she no longer likes or loves her. She is taking it personally and blaming herself. That was not what I had mentally prepared myself for. We have to figure out how to handle this.
 
There was no way around a bad reaction when she found out someone close to her wasn't going too. My dad was Air Force, I remember 2 moves before he got out and then when a neighborhood girlfriend moved. It was heart wrenching each time, but it is a fact of life. Good luck.
 
Will you tell her more of the situation, do you think? Otherwise it may be hard to reassure her that she's not at fault here. :(
 
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